BUDDHA STEW

2009-02-04T11:17:00.006-07:00

normalcy/complacency/efficiency

There's something about being back in the Midwest that has me totally uninspired. It might be this long cold winter that feels so devoid of adventure and emotion, or it might be the settled, head-down and move-forward approach to life that the residents here embrace after long generations of let's-just-get-through-it-eh?

It's gotten to me enough that I'm not actually homesick, just sort of half-assedly nostalgic for last winter's magic. I can remember the feeling of running freely across the desert, jumping rocks, I can remember the thrill of summiting Cabezon and laughing uncontrollably at our insanity and our success, I can remember how even the air in New Mexico seemed to inspire creativity and adventure. And I think I miss it, I feel like I yearn for it, but through a cloud of denial and complacency I never thought I'd have after coming so alive in those fleeting months last year.

The Midwest is comfortable and familiar. It's settled and paved. You could go find some Wild but a dozen people would already be there with beer and friendly smiles. It's too obvious in this city where to go to have a good time, and anyone can tell you their favorite spots. Is there anything to discover for oneself? Is there any place where, like in the Sandias, someone set aside some land and said, hey, all of this is pretty cool, be nice to it, play at your own risk, and have fun?

I feel trapped.

Is that why, even in a city where my music career could grow by leaps and bounds and make me successful, I resist getting established? Is that why I feel like some dreams have faded and left no replacements? Once the mountains claim you, can you ever be happy anywhere else?

Or maybe it's just the winter. Maybe with the breath of spring that spark will come back and the path under my bike tires will shake some life into me. Maybe a good long weekend in a tent will help bring me back to my reality.

Whatever the reason, I need some reminder that I promised myself never to settle, to always take the path less traveled by. I need to break this physical and emotional hibernation and find my stride.

Most of all I just want to breathe some desert air again.

2008-06-26T17:03:00.002-06:00

summer naps: you might never wake up the same

So, it's hot and you've been working hard at stressful stuff, and you're sitting on the couch reading tweets when all of the sudden 'BAM' you're asleep and having f-ed up dreams that you can't seem to escape.

My subconscious knows how to tell me I shouldn't be asleep, It sends me into dreams where I can't see very well, where my vision is faltering or inaccurate in some way, and this fact is keeping me from either a) knowing what's going on in the dream, for real, or b) from staying safe from harm.

I just had this dream where I forgot I was supposed to fly to Connecticut, and ended up enacting some old, discarded plan from long before I'd booked a flight. I was driving through New Mexico, looking at some crazy landscape reminiscent of North America's rowdy volcanic years, when I stopped at a B&B to reserve a room, not just for me, but for the whole quintet.

And as I looked at their room rates, my eyes started to squiggle, and readjust, and squiggle, until all I could make out were numbers and they didn't have any bearing on the information I was looking for. I know you're not really supposed to be able to read in dreams (or did I make that up?), so it seems that once I'd tried to read, everything else went haywire. I couldn't see were the road was leading, it seemed to leap up and away at every turn. And the sky was turning ash black and patches of maps I'd seen of completely different places began to superimpose themselves over my actual vision. And then like that I realized, 'I'm not supposed to be doing this! I've got a plane to catch!'

And I woke up.

No more summer naps for me until...well, probably tomorrow.

2008-06-21T16:23:00.006-06:00

to the power of literature

It's been a rough couple of months. In between bursts of adventure, fun, and general relaxtion have been periods of disatisfaction and unease, a general ill-feeling compounded by the amount of stress that moving and making plans for a summer away bring with them.

It's been difficult for me to come to terms with my move away from New Mexico, in part because I will have only been there a year at the time of my official departure, and in part because life there has been sweet and fascinating in all respects. I've been trying to take the high road and simply feel blessed for having had the experience of living there, but it's a bit like breaking up with someone before you're ready (something else I have experience in tandem): the scope of what's left to explore and experience seems overwhelming, and there's a great loss attached.

I lied to myself about this for a little while, trying to make myself ready to move and to justify it over and over again in whatever what I could think, but in the end I had to accept that I didn't want to go. And that, career-wise, I really had no choice but to go.

That was the first step.

The second was examining my place and my relationship in the quintet, and making sure it was what I wanted, that it was worth moving across the country again for this ensemble. It took a while, things got ragged when we weren't rehearsing or gigging, and it became hard to remember what enthusiasm had driven me there in the first place. But I had to remember that it's difficult with a member of the group out of town, in a place where there's no work, and that soon...in a week, now...all this will change and it will change permanently. With plenty of playing to do this summer and plenty of work waiting for us in Minnesota, we'll have an entirely new set of problems but none of them will seem as deep and upsetting as they do now.

But even with these two realizations under my belt, I still felt like I was missing something. I felt like the poetry had gone out of my life, like I could look at something beautiful and feel little, like I could be a part of an amazing night and remain cold and distant. I have never felt this detachment in my life and it was frustrating and disturbing.

And then I picked up a book.

It's not that I've lost my sense of adventure. It's that it's changed in a way I hadn't anticipated. I read through Steinbecks's Travels with Charley with dogged interest until I got to the end, and he spoke of his journey 'having left' and deserted him, that his adventure was over long before the travel has, and home lay before him on the long stretches of road, beckoning.

I understood, but it wasn't identification. I've felt that way before, but what opened up for me in this instant was the realization that my journey has left me, too, and it is waiting for me somewhere else. It's changed from a restless traveller to a bit of a homebody, of a spirit seeking a permanent destination. It's not that I no longer want to travel, or see the vast stretches of beauty left in the world, it's that I want to have a home base that I know, intimately. It's that I want work and family, and friends, to come together and build a foundation that I can use to explore around me in more detail. I need a home, I need a place. The endless moving across country, the yearly trade of friends and faces in my life, that needs to slow dramatically. The space around me needs to be familiar and beloved.

I could easily do this in Minneapolis. I have little strength to move again, so I'm going to have to, anyway. Once I get there I plan to take steps to mold me life into the environment and in turn structure a place where I'll only be lonely if I want to be, where my dreams can find footholds, where things will blossom and bear fruit. The only problem is, I have to wait. I have two months of festival, and then more waiting and traveling, and then the usual transition period once I finally arrive. But I'm getting good at that; in Albuquerque it only took me a month to find a solid friendship and an orbit of others around that. I know the kinds of things I want to see and do, and what places I would like to eat or drink at. I know that there's beauty around every corner and that around one of those, maybe soon, there'll be someone who wants to hold my hand and experience them with me.

Until then, I'll be patient.

2008-05-07T17:32:00.003-06:00

here i go again

It has come to pass that the quintet is packing up, leaving New Mexico, and heading to far more inhabited and financially supportive climes. I am, of course, going with, since this is my baby and my dream. We're returning (for four of us, a new adventure for one) to the great upper Midwest, that land of trees and berries and big, clear, inviting lakes, and, more specifically, to the metropolitan area known affectionately as the Twin Cities.

I have no fears that life in Minneapolis will be enjoyable and contented. I have often wished someday my path would lead me back to lands close to Wisconsin, I just never expected it to be so soon after having found myself loving every minute of my desert home.

Since the first time I visited New Mexico, I knew I wanted to live here someday. And so I have, but it is with a heavy heart that I leave it barely a year after I came, and even harder is the sadness I feel when I look out at my mountain view and find myself counting the days I have left of appreciating it. In a short while, so much has happened. It's gone too fast, it's been too sweet, it's left its mark.

The simple things: the sunshine, the mild climate, the big, expansive sky, the joy of scrambling over rocks and conquering hills, the stories inherent in the landscape, the lack of mosquitos, the striking plant life, the abundance of strange and wonderful surprises, the culture of space and mountain and Route 66 memorabilia, the people with their strong boots and easy smiles.

The more complex, that stem from these simple things: living in a place similar to my childhood home with reminders in the color of the sky, the boulders, the vegetation, finding strength in my physical body to make molehills out of mountains and to stand at the top in awe of my accomplishments, the painful process of learning to both love myself and others again, and one in particular, who both taught me his own wisdom and a new way of seeing that hard, ever-present obstacle of losing that which I love, to climb the mountains both real and imagined, to see again, literally and figuratively, what lies before me, to jump without fear of the risk and to enjoy the fall and be confident of the landing.

These are not things I will lose easily, but in my inner being I know I'm not done learning from this amazing place. I have two months left of New Mexico, of myself in my heart's home, to make the most of the lessons that are here. I'm not ready to move again soon after this, and it will be a long time before I can return and an even longer time to regain those things that make me proudest of my accomplishments here: my high altitude endurance, my ability to go uphill with pleasure and alacrity, my calm but purposeful manner learned from an underpopulated and secluded place.

It didn't take long for NM to turn Denton, Texas's little social party girl into a wilderness geek with almost as much time and money invested in outdoor equipment as in musical instruments, from one whose face was welcome in any bar to one whose enjoyment of raucous debauchery dwindled to the random beer on a special occasion. It might not be a permanent change, but it's one that feels right for the time being. To be more confident of myself, of my body, of my own enduring capabilities, this is more pleasing than to wake up unhappy and dehydrated. The day is too short to accomplish all that I want to, and the best hikes are had in the mornings when the city is still sleeping.

I'm hoping in time to find some peace with this decision to move, knowing full well all the benefits on the other end of it. In the meantime, this is my lovesong to Albuquerque, to Cabezon Peak, to the hot springs of Truth or Consequences, to the dusty washes east of Socorro and the mysterious caves to its west, to the Jemez and their watermelon-colored beauty, to El Malpais, the lava beds and the arch, the sandstone cliffs and the ice caves, to the Volcanos west of town undisturbed in their long slumber, to the big, scorched ponderosas of Los Alamos and the untouched ones of the San Mateo mountains, to the wind-wound oddities of Kasha-Katuwe, and to Sandia Peak, the view from my window, and the doorway to all my dreams.

2008-04-03T19:43:00.002-06:00

bringing myself back to reality

It seems like, after a time of those low-down, screaming, anguish filled blues, the upswing is a height dizzying and astonishing. It's a feeling that's a relief after the days of tears and pillows flung at walls, but it's tinged with the sadness it ascended from.

It's nice to know I can bounce back from something so devastating. Having spent six months being the friend of one of the most amazing people I've ever met, having been patient and having that patience rewarded with a real, tender, beautiful relationship, having all of that taken away too soon and suddenly, I find myself surprisingly calm. I'm not healed- I'm not even close to acceptance- but at least I can carry on without feeling like I"ll never smile again.

I am waiting for one more sign to let me know which way to let my heart go. Just one. It is not something I am counting on, but it is something I am wishing for. I think it is a reasonable thing to ask.

Whoever ends up with me for the long haul has to be a patient and understanding person. The career I've chosen doesn't lend toward keeping me in one place for very long- at least not at the start of things. And it requires long hours to myself, and long days on the road, and hard work at every turn. It might not be so reasonable to turn down a long-distance relationship when it might not always be reasonable for me to stay in one place for a long time. I want to- I'm ready to live some place for a good while. To make a home. But I don't know if I can hold that dream too close to me for some time to come- there are too many variables in a musician's life. But I know what I do want. I want someone to fight for me. I want compromise and flexibility in our life's path. I want someone with the courage to examine their feelings for me and make the right decision for everyone concerned. I want the journey to be extraordinary, and fresh, and exhilarating.

Is that too much to ask?

2008-03-22T21:54:00.001-06:00

one more

Ani always says it better.

i know so many white people
i mean, where do i start?
the trouble with white people
is you can't tell them apart
i'm so bad with names and dates and times
but i'm big on faces
that is, except for mine

i believe you when you tell me
we've met before
this time you've got my interest
this time you've got the floor
why don't you go and tell me something
i don't already know
give me something to remember you by
when i go

i eat too much
i laugh too long
maybe i'll like too much of you
when i'm gone

let's go over to the window
and sit in the neon light
let's go out walking
you know, it's garbage night
let's go down to the east river
and throw something in
something we can't live without
and then let's start again

the more you talk
the more i get
the sense of something
that hasn't happened yet
the more you talk
the more i want to know
the way i'll remember you
when i go

i eat too much
i laugh too long
maybe i'll like too much of you
when i'm gone

i am so many white people
i mean where do i start
i've got lots of personalities
i just can't tell them apart
and i never remember anything
except for those things
which i never forget you know
there's no in between

i'm big on your face
yeah it's big in my mind
you're like the rest of the human race
you're one of a kind

2008-03-22T21:14:00.002-06:00

thank yous and goodbyes

More than anything else, I am trying to look forward. To silly dates, like April 10th, when new episodes of the Office air again; to more important ones, like June 29th, the day we start our six-week stay in CT for a prestigious chamber music festival that is the promise of all our hopes and aspirations. To summer weather, to fall colors. To visits with friends. To birthdays and holidays. To new houses and new experiences.

Because I'm afraid of the present, of the alarming reality of my impending loneliness, made all the more dark by the realizations I have been making everyday about you. About who you are to me. And about how little I can do to change anything in my favor.

In your presence I feel so calm, and so capable. I feel like I can take on any challenge without hardly breaking a sweat. I won't lose this; you have given me this for keeps. I know what I want- I want you- but I'm afraid there's no one like you anywhere else. If there is even someone remotely similar, what are the chances I'll ever meet them? That this kind of thing will happen again?

I may be foolish. Maybe my readiness to find someone to love again has allowed me to overlook flaws in the fabric, or miss out on misperceptions in the reality. Maybe I misunderstood the nature of this brief relationship. Maybe I am unable to accept that it just wasn't good timing, or meant to be, or whatever shit they fling at you in times like these, ostensibly to help you put things in perspective.

But here's the truth of it: if you could have stayed, if this could have lasted, do you know the heights we could have reached? Do you know the accomplishments we would have mastered? Do you know the greatness therein?

I think I do. Things I never wanted...never even spent more than a passing though on...took on a shimmering fullness and richness I'd never granted them before. Futures blossomed, matured, faded gracefully. The present waved proudly as a banner. Everything was new again.

(Did I ever mention that I am a hopeless romantic, under all my pragmatic musings?)

The distance...I can't get around it. Here is where we built our friendship, and in each other's company we kept it up and beautiful. Not there. Not there AND here. Here. I can't hold you- I can't ask anyone that- you are destined for great things and I will be so proud of you when you do them. I will always be proud of you. I will always relive the memories of our time together and feel special and blessed. The truth is I couldn't afford to give so much of myself to someone who wasn't staying near me, literally and figuratively, and yet I did. I couldn't help it. If I hadn't, what would I have miss out on? How less rich would my life have been without the sweetness of these short months?

I will see you again. It's never goodbye, only, 'til then' and a smile. I will always be here for you, if you need me. If there is a future for us I can only dream of it, never wish it. May I always call you friend, and may you always know that there is someone out there who loves you, and who wishes you well.

2008-01-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

nina simone, big pink blankets, and OMG this tea smells awful

It's wintertime again, even though it never really wasn't except for briefly when we had a few of those taunting, 45 degree days with a breeze that smells just...ever...so...slightly of spring, and then it snowed and got cold again so that I'm back tripping out to my car maneuvering icy steps and trying not to drop the only warm thing in my house, a mug of tea, in the 19 degree morning. It's February now, sure, and it should still be cold, but I've frankly had enough of the frosty temperatures INSIDE my house and the slow, steady pleading voices that are my flip-flops and skirts begging to be worn again that I'm ready for a warm breeze and some green leafy things starting to grow. Not that we'll get too many of those here in the Burque, but maybe just a few. For posterity.

OMG this tea TASTES awful.

In the meantime I'm dealing with my cold house during those times I'm not at work by either leaving again and going out (no longer an option now that I have run out of money and am also trying not to get sick, and need to stay near my trombone even if I'm not going to play it for the sake of musical osmosis) or cuddling up in the awesomest, ugliest quilt you ever did see. Apparently my grandmother made it, and it's BRIGHT PINK on the underside and this odd, seventies-esque LSD inspired pattern of pink, purple, and green on the other side. My mom would use it as the comforter on the pull out couch whenever we had guests, or she'd let me pull it out and cuddle up under it when I was sick. I used to play a game in the mornings, in that time between waking up and getting up, where I would put myself inside the quilt's pattern, imagining each square as a maze to be navigated in order to escape the pink fluffy monster (actually one of those pom-pom things) that inhabited the fabric. It's also the perfect blanket to snuggle under with someone special, but for now that's just my cats (I could turn this into a long rant about how lonely I am and blah blah blah, but you've heard it, and you're sick of it, so I'll just be a cat lady for the time being).

The tea is better with honey. Just slightly.

Jazz is great wintertime music. I've been reviving my love for the classics- the Louis Armstrong, the Count Basie, the Ella....and yes, the glorious, naughty, incomparable Nina Simone, as well as running a few new ideas into the mix in the way of Wayne Shorter and Chris Potter. It's a good time, inspired in part by my homesickness for good Denton jazz at the Greenhouse. I see folks on Facebook back there click on 'attending' for events such as 'One O'Clock Lab Band at the Syndicate' and 'Snarky Puppy at Haileys' and 'So-and-so quintet at Greenhouse' and man...I miss that. I really do. I think those Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings were some of the best times of my life so far.

You're asking why I keep drinking the tea. I need the tea. It's the only non-caffeinated thing I have left and I need to fight the shit in my throat back with herbal shit.

So, wintertime. This winter I've done some amazing things. I climbed Cabezon Peak. It was cold and amazing. I saw the Tent Rocks, and I went sledding. My brass quintet officially became a business. I'm getting the opportunity to teach my own music class and I'm so excited about it. It's going to be awesome.

Almost as much as how awesome it is I don't have to drink this tea anymore.

2008-01-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

steel and whiskey

I'm trying something new- inspired in part by my awesome, totally bad-ass writer friend Hans, who runs a smashing little critical review blog by the name of Hallucina- in which I review some of my favorite albums. It's a little exercise in music criticism that I hope will not only be fun, but also good for me. Like candy.

First up: Iron & Wine's The Shepherd's Dog, given to me by the wise and wonderful Ms Katie who in turn purchased the album after having heard a little of I&W on my 2006 holiday mix. Full circles are fun!

Iron & Wine is actually one dude named Sam Beam, and he has a beard. We all know that by now (QC did a joke that the band consisted of Sam and his beard once). Beards are great. Hurray for beards! They make you into an awesome musical force.

(Steel and Whiskey is a joke my friend Chris made about Iron & Wine. Oddly enough, it reminded me of being on swim team in middle school when the movie 'Iron Will' came out, and my swim coach, wanting to spin off a Disney movie's inherently optimistic and inspiring message, decided our season's motto was 'Steal Desire'. Coincidence? Yeah, sure.)

Anyway, I&W makes the kind of music I never knew I thought existed but once I hear fits neatly into a little place in my musical soul. It's a little bit how I felt about The Decemberists and their kooky blend of seafaring themed, pre WWII era British indie rock. The Decemberists never fail to make me think I'm listening to Charles Dickens' awesome garage band with Mary Poppins on lead guitar. I&W, on the other hand, has this folky, Southern style that is like being a road trip with John Steinbeck, Jack Kerouac, and Dave Eggers. It's all romantic and pretty, but with this literacy and undercurrent of religion which weaves the whole musical product into something else entirely. I find it impossible to describe, but nevertheless, I shall try. Here are a few of the things I like about The Shepherd's Dog:

-Sam's melodies are really simple. The change in inflection and ornamentation is never too great, yet they handily manage to sweep prettily across the complex underlying accompaniment. There's a lot more of that in this from, say, The Creek Drank the Cradle, and it's nice. Very sassy.

-His lyrics are...I...wow. I dunno. I mean, you get stuff like this:

Love was a promise made of smoke
In a frozen copse of trees
A bone cold and older than our bodies
Slowly floating in the sea

and then this:

Dreaming again that its freezing and my mother’s in her flowerbed
(Long dead rows of daffodils and marigolds)
Changing her face like a shadow on the gravel, this is what she said,
(Blood on my chin, still chewing on a red rose)
“No one lives forever and the devil never sleeps alone”
Everybody bitching, “There’s nothing on the radio”

Talk about a talent for words.

-God. Whatever the meaning behind I&W's lyrics with Christian references (I haven't taken the time to really examine them, at this point I'm too caught up in all the subtle beauty), he paints this portrait of God as a more mythical, ancient creature. I like the line from "Boy With A Coin" best:

Girl with a bird she found in the snow
that flew up her gown, and that's how she knows
that God made her eyes for crying at birth
then left the ground to circle the earth

It speaks to me of a religious upbringing conducted in little country churches, rough wooden pews and pane-less windows, leaving after service to a green, open world full of magic. Yet layered on top of this is a veneer of bitterness that twists the spirituality, just so, and that little country church is just another run-down building next to a repair garage in a muddy, brown town. You don't forget the wholesomeness of the other image, but you can't ever quite reach it again.

-The way his women characters play into his stories fulfills a kind of fantasy I have always had, that there are men out there writing songs for the mysterious goddesses among them, and yet maintaining a strong belief in their own independence and strength. The fantasy of course continues that someday this kind of person will encounter me in a field underneath a tree and find me so terribly enchanting he writes a song about honeybees.

"The Shepherd's Dog" is by far one of the best albums of 2007. On top of that, it makes me smile just to listen to it. It's. So. Good. So good. So painfully, amazingly good I've been listening to it for days on end and I still haven't managed to find one thing to get sick of. I may be completely wrong about all of my hypotheses into Sam's obviously complex psyche, but then again, like I said, I haven't done my research. The music is good enough for me.

I'll leave you with this:

"Innocent Bones"

Cain got a milk-eyed mule from the auction
Abel got a telephone
And even the last of the blue-eyed babies know
That the burning man is the color of the end of day
And how every tongue that gets bit always has another word to say

Cain bought a blade from some witch at the window
Abel bought a bag of weed
And the even the last of the brown-eyed babies see
That the cartoon king has a tattoo of a bleeding heart
There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain or the scab, but they all want the scar
How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love
And how it ain't one dog who's good at fucking and denying who he's thinking of

Cain had the captive boy leap off the rooftop
Abel had his papa pray
And even the last of the black-eyed babies say
That every saint has a chair you can borrow in a church to sit on
That the wind blows cold across the back of a master and the kitchen help
There's a big ball of innocent bones still holding up the garden wall
And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all
How God knows if Christ came back he'd find us in a poker game
After finding out the drinks were all free but they won't let you out the door again

2008-01-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

on being productive

It has been a busy week and a half since I returned from CA and we got started on our CSBQ marathon of rehearsals and recording. We've made tremendous progress in both our group and our individual playing and I think we sound great. We've got a ways to go to reach the goal we all want (for me, it's reaching a level of musicianship such as Center City or Meridian Arts Ensemble), but we are well on our way. Sean's been great for the group in so many ways and it's just...exciting to be a part of it all again. We have pictures, but since I'm making a half-assed effort to be somewhat professionally anonymous on this blog, you'll have to go see them on Facebook or ask me nicely. Music should be going up on MySpace and our own page soon. How great is that??!?!

In the meantime, I still put in my share of hours at work, which really doesn't amount to much mental stress but does take up a good chunk of the business day. This means things I need to get done- buy cat food, do laundry, and get my Nuevo license plates- have been high on the list of priorities but low on the list of availability.

Nevertheless, I managed. I took Friday and today off of work entirely to focus on recording, etc, and since we're only doing one large chunk of recording each day, that leaves me a large part of the time to get things down. Friday and Saturday I cleaned like a fiend. Yesterday I went for the hike I've been pining after for ages and even got to make dinner and watch a movie. Today all those things on my priority list got done- and oh so painlessly, too! I am now the proud owner of New Mexico plates as well as happy, well-fed kittens (who incidentally also got a new toy to make up for all the time I've spent rushing in and out of the house lately), not to mention a load of fresh clothes will come out of the washer any minute now. Sure, it's raining, so I have to hang them to dry in the bathroom, but oh well. At least I'll have underwear for the rest of the week. :)

All of this has been so much easier to accomplish on proper sleep and sufficient water pressure in the shower, which lowers significantly both my stress and my crabbiness levels. The frozen pipes leading to my shower preventing sufficient water flow was seriously cramping my style. I like my showers like I like my men, hot and hard. Tee hee.

So Sean leaves tomorrow and things return to a normal routine. I will miss the constant rehearsals and hangs that come with a BQ Marathon, but we've got plenty to do in the next couple of weeks before our Feb 6th recital that will keep us occupied. I just need to keep my chops where they are now- nice and strong and flexible- and everything will be great.

Here's to that, and here's to finding my favorite tea ever at the grocery store. Mmm, french vanilla.

2008-01-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

friday random ten: the late night, sad sack edition

Turn on your music player, hit random, record the first ten songs that play, yada yada.

This is a good exercise for me because it forces me to listen to stuff I've never really taken the time to listen to before because I'd rather not hear something I don't know at that moment in time. Was that a run on sentence? I dunno. I just watched a Woody Allen movie, I have no concept of reality anymore.

1. John Lennon- It's So Hard
2. Torben Floor- Do I Even Know I Care?
3. The Beatles- Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey
4 Rufus Wainwright- Not Ready to Love
5. The Postal Service- Nothing Better
6. Mingo Fishtrap- Superman
7. Youngblood Brass Band feat. Talib Kweli- Y'all Stay Up
8. Maazel/Cleveland Phil- Prokofiev Romeo and Juliet Scene 4 Dance of the Knights (mm, bass trombone goodness)
9. Eklipse Soul- Psicose
10. Louis Armstrong- Dinah

Bonus!

Since it popped up a few weeks ago on my random, Nina Simone's version of 'I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl' has been my theme song. Ugh. I'm going crazy here.

I want a little sugar
in my bowl
I want a little sweetness
down in my soul
I could stand some lovin'
Oh so bad
I feel so funny and I feel so sad

I want a little steam
on my clothes
Maybe I can fix things up
so they'll go
Whatsa matter Daddy
Come on, save my soul
I need some sugar in my bowl
I ain't foolin'
I want some sugar in my bowl

You been acting different
I've been told
Soothe me
I want some sugar in my bowl
I want some steam
on my clothes
Maybe I can fix things up so they'll go
Whatsa matter Daddy
Come on save my soul
I want some sugar in my bowl
I ain't foolin'
I want some - yeah - in my bowl.

2007-12-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

i am still alive!

Apologies for my blogging absence. In the past month, the following has happened:

1. I started my new, full-time, un-corporate job.
2. I solved my roommate crisis and moved my friend Dan into my extra room.
3. I've buried myself in quintet stuff, including practicing and business research.
4. I drove home to San Diego, which is where I am currently (I leave tomorrow. I miss my snowy mountains!).
5. I discovered how snobby even only 6 months of MacBook usage will make you about PCs.

So, the job is good. Yeah, it's a lot of time, and when there are kids there it can be stressful. On the other hand, I leave early in the afternoon and don't have to go back, I seldom have too many tasks to complete, and I get an hour for lunch during which I can a)practice trombone in the gym b)go for a hike on the nearby south trailhead of the Crest Trail or c)take a nap in my car. My coworkers are not, perhaps, the brightest of bulbs, but they are sweet and overflowing with common sense. The kids I work with struggle with discipline issues but they are solid mountain community kids without those pesky inner-city attitude problems.

My trip home this year is short but still it's been fun. I spent the obligatory evening with Katie, Jon, and Eugene, and as always it was a ton of fun. I'd forgotten just how smart we are all, us RB kids. Sure, we picked up most of our street smarts from our subsequent college careers, but those book smarts- dang. We sure are well-read and well-educated. And we know how to keep secrets. A trip to Chicago is in the works for the four of us in February.

I have some posts in the works, I promise. For now, there is your confirmation that I am alive and well, even I'm suffocating what with all the oxygen and moisture in the air here in San Diego. Back to my pretty, snowy, friendly mountains tomorrow.

2007-11-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

occupation, lack of it, living alone, cats, tv, capes made from blankets, grilled cheese

(A list of things, not so random, that have taken up space in my brain lately)

I've had the week off from most everything, being literally in between jobs. My new one starts tomorrow, a fact for which I am quite grateful. Not only am I flat broke, I'm also flat bored and flat unambitious.

Don't get me wrong, it was nice to take some time to sit on my biscuit and waste time. But that also means that my motivation for doing things that need to get done, i.e. researching, quintet stuff, practicing trombone, etc., is woefully slim. On top of that, living alone has made me into the world's worst housekeeper, and the piles of things that need attending to reached some interesting proportions this week. That rotting smell in my house? Emanated from a bag of trash I left by the back door and never bothered to actually take out to the bin. Those piles of clothes in my room? Span from laundry I never hung up two weeks ago to things I put on, decided I didn't want to wear, and put on the table instead of hanging back up. And that cat litter issue? Let's...not go there.

I need a roommate. I really need to save the money, regardless of the luxury of walking around half naked, leaving dishes in the sink for days, and having my personal effects scattered wherever I felt the need to drop them. I hope I can adjust should the heavens smile and grant me someone with $500/mo and utilities to spare.

Cats. Other people's cats, meh. My cats? Awesome. The only complaint? I think my back is self-destructing because of the effort of sleeping around two cats who insist on moving toward the middle of the bed gradually as the night progresses. I walk up contorted, sideways on the bed, and cold because the majority of the extra blanket falls under the surface area of two very greedy, very long and stretchy, felines.

But they're nice to curl up with, especially when all the factors for Extreme Laziness are in play and I've just received two discs of season 4 of the Gilmore Girls and have all afternoon to kill watching them. Kitty 1 takes the place by my back, and Kitty 2 wraps around the laptop looking sweet and edible. They swap places occasionally.

Of course, 7 solid hours of Gilmore Girls means I'll stumble out of that coma like a drunk stumbles out of an alleyway, a blanket draped over me like a cloak. The words spilling out of my mouth will make little sense but I will find them hilarious nevertheless. I will call a friend and babble. I am not insane. Yet.

And no matter how much other, more reasonably healthy and perishable food I have in the kitchen, I will make sure to grill at least two cheese sandwiches and then spill tea all over myself, because I am amazing.

So amazing.

2007-11-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

okay, let me clarify

The last post was obviously one of those heartbreak-ridden moments where whatever you're saying, it's so true, so deep, so in-the-moment, that you don't think you'll ever get over yourself.

What happened was, for this forum, basically a simple case of two people who wanted different things. The details and emotions involved are not appropriate to put up on the web, of course. Shit happens. It's hard to get other people to want what you want sometimes, it's hard to get people together in general, it seems.

In the inbetween time I found myself struggling with this idea that it wasn't so much the failure of this particular relationship to get to me, but rather the way in which I felt like it was my fault. My lack. My baggage.

Fuck that shit.

(see, now I'm angry. The conversation I had with M made me feel the above- like I had failed to listen properly or note the signs of incompatibility- a valuable lesson, in part, because it made me more aware of what I wanted. But talking with L had the benefit of making me see what WASN'T my fault, what was in fact a critical lack of what I needed on the part of the other person.)

I am this open, free, understanding and generally awesome person because I have chosen to be. I have some fears, but they don't deal with intimacy, relationships, or emotional attachment. I can balance my needs and my wants with my disappointments and my failures.

I think I deserve someone who is the same way.

(You will forgive me for assigning blame. I'm looking for resolution, for the strength to move forward and be my own person again. I've worked hard to be who I am, and while I may not always be so clear about what I want, I'm not afraid of it. I go in for self-examination so that I can be better in the long run, for myself and for others. I have experiences that are unique both to me and to my age. I am tired of fooling around with people who have not made it to the same place as me.)

And that, I think, is the long and the short of it. Negotiations with people are always tricky. I watched Lost in Translation last night because it has some of the emotions in it that I am feeling- that no one will ever understand you quite the way you want them to, that feeling lost is a part of growing up no matter how old you are, that sometimes, it's just not the right time, or it is, and you can never tell until the end of it.

2007-11-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

untitled, unhappy

TIme for a little honesty.

I want someone who will look me in the eyes and know, without doubt, how I make them feel and how they feel about me. I want to know again what it's like to dive in, open-hearted and open-minded, into whatever adventure someone has agreed to go on with me. I want to be with someone whose love makes me stronger, faster, better, clearer, and smarter. I want to listen carefully to what they are telling me, to read between the lines and find happiness, to take time to understand what is in front of me. I want to be touched, and held, and loved. I want to feel every ounce of me matched for every ounce of my opposite, and not found wanting.

I don't want to play games, or play the fool, or cry uncontrollably in my car because I feel like everything romantic I've ever tried to do has been, in some way, a complete disaster. I don't ever (EVER) want to hear the words 'it just doesn't feel right' applied to me again. EVER. I don't want to be teased, or toyed with, or jerked around. I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to cause fear. I don't want to be friends. I don't want to be consoled.

I won't.

I am tired of false starts and uncertainty. I am tired of dreaming, of losing sleep, of signifying nothing. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of going to bed alone.

Until then, I will be heartsore, I will be angry, I will be proud and wounded. Until then, whenever that may be.

2007-11-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

and just like that, the clouds parted

Lessee...let's review the anxieties of the last few weeks.

There's the quintet issues, which are moving forward. We have a tuba player lined up, all that remains is getting said person moved out here and rollin'.

There's the job, which I'm now officially cleared to start. My first day is next Monday.

There's Red Circle, at which my last day was Saturday.

There's money issues, which are being slightly relieved by a few well-timed gigs.

And there's the mountain, which I have climbed.

2007-11-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

friday random ten

Open you MP3 player, select random, blah blah blah.

The "I won't cheat while I'm eating breakfast and skip the classical tracks" Edition

1. Mahler Symphony No 2: Mvt 2: Energisch bewegt- Leonard Bernstein and NYP
2. The Chimbley Sweep - The Decembrists (sheesh, that transition scared the crap out of me)
3. Meyer Concert Duo: Mvt 4 - Josh Bell and Edgar Meyer
4. Basketcase - Green Day
5. Kamikaze - PJ Harvey
6. Fight Test - The Flaming Lips
7. Cigarette - Ben Folds Five
8. I Want A Little Sugar In My Bowl - Nina Simone (timely, Nina, thanks so much)
9. Laura Laurent - Bright Eyes
10. Prokofiev, Cantata for Alexander Nevsky: Alexander's Entry Into Pskov - Leonard Slatkin and STL

Rounding it out with the Leonards, Nice!

As long as we're on the subject of mixes, my annual holiday mix is in the works, and if you're not on Facebook giving me your particular info so you can receive one, please leave a comment with your desires so notated.

2007-11-12T21:13:00.001-07:00

do you have any idea

How badly I want to do this?

I <3 Top Gear.

2007-11-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

overachiever

One of the things I dislike the least about working at Red Circle (although let's be completely honest, it isn't that bad of a job. It pays well and they are respectful of the hours I need to work, not to mention the fact that I'm kind of a whiny asshole sometimes) was the ever-important Speed Score. Those of you who've worked in retail probably know what I mean. You log into your register, you start checking someone out, and meanwhile the computer keeps a timer. At the end of the transaction it tells you if you did G or R (no one has been satisfactorily able to explain to me what R stands for. This enigma throws into serious doubt the true meaning of G, as well. In fact, I wonder if has anything to do with the fact that my gas tank, instead of an E for empty, has a R for...Refill? Replenish? Risky driving on so little gas? When the tank is full it says 1/1. This never fails to make me laugh). Over time, the computer keeps tabs of all your scores and gives you a percentage of how well you are doing. So, get 3 Gs and an R and your overall speed score will be a 75%. I won't go into the general unfairness of the computer's continuing to time you after you have scanned the customer's items and pressed 'total'. Some people just take for friggin' ever to pay and I don't see why I have to suffer for it.

At any rate, the powers that be like to keep tabs of your Speed Score and record it down, thus creating a log of your overall performance. So once a week or so a manager will come up to 'discuss' my SS, which basically means I'm told my averages for the week and the month. Since anyone with half a wit could do this job, my averages are generally very high, well into the 90s. When I started working there, I tended to think of cashiering under a timer as a sort of boring-ass, incredibly easy video game. Since they've begun updating me on my weekly and monthly averages, it's become more and more like high school. I'm reminded of all the classes I took that didn't resemble my upper-middle class white upbringing, like Typing and Health. Whereas I had to mildly work hard to get As in AP Bio and Calculus, in those non-college rated courses I could guarantee doing the least amount of work in order to fluff up my GPA.

Of course, that never stopped me from having hurt pride when I discovered that I'd gotten a B in Economics. A B!! In Economics! WTF? It's the same pride that smarts when the computer issues me an R and drops my score into the 80s. Not to mention that Red Circle wants your average score at any time to be an 88 or above. Wow! In the real world, you have to be Above Average!

I'm not applying any of this pride to my distinctly abysmal Credit Score. I have gotten all of two credit applications while working in my two months there, and one of them, today, was handed to me in the form of the customer just up and asking to apply. There's a mild incentive in the way of $50 if you manage to get lucky enough to ask a Secret Shopper if he or she wants to apply, but I've yet to thing those odds are good enough for me to be extracting energy from my already dwindling moral compass to sacrifice myself to the gods of credit. I know, I could be out stealing car batteries instead, but ethically we're looking at about the same amount of bad karma.

Thinking about this today got me wondering about my decision to become a professional musician, a career that requires a certain amount of achievement to be successful. Am I truly destined for this path in music or am I attracted to it because, unlike most other things in life, I actually have to work my ass off for it? I mean, I could just as easily do something else I enjoy but also have to work hard to be successful in, like writing, you know? I just get the feeling that I wouldn't be as happy working as something that offers me easy recognition and general skill but isn't nearly as challenging. It's the same difficulty in being satisfied with a cashiering job where I mastered all the speed tricks and made up a few of my own in the first week of work. It was entertaining for that week, but after that...

I guess that means it's time to go practice.

2007-11-12T19:45:00.001-07:00

adding another web application is just as good as making a new friend, right?

Here's my Twitter page. Because I want all 6 of you to know what I'm doing even when you don't really give a shit.

2007-11-10T14:33:00.001-07:00

meh

It's hard to be sad on a day when Wisconsin football gives Michigan an enema on Badger home turf. This much is true. It is a little shining light in this otherwise no-good, rotten, all around bad day.

I guess I'll just take what I can get at this point.

2007-11-10T04:15:00.001-07:00

last november

Last November was the month Ben and I became friends. This November we find ourselves thousands of miles apart, just when I need someone to lean on the most. I miss you, Ben. I miss sitting on the couch with my head on your shoulder and your friendly comfort keeping me upbeat. I miss getting you drunk and bitching with you about everything and anything. I miss being a part of a friendship that everyone recognized as unstoppable and unshakable.

Last November I was getting to know Leah as well (Happy birthday lady). This November we're far apart too, just when I need someone to take me out and make me shake my booty for whomever- even if it's just for myself. I miss the random hysterical moments and the long serious chats. I miss how you taught me not to take myself so seriously and how you talked sense into me regardless of how shitty things were.

I miss the both of you, the three of us together, because I've never been in a friendship group so amazing as ours. It had its issues, sure. It had its jealousies and insecurities just like anything else. But for the most part- could anything change the way we took on Denton and made it our own? What couldn't we do? We had everything at our fingertips and more just by the very virtue of being there for each other.

Sometimes I can't imagine how I ever lived without the two of you, although I know I did just fine. Trouble is, now I'm having a hard time. Now. Living in the now without being able to call one or both of you up and arrange a meeting at the Greenhouse or a trip for lunch somewhere, or just have you over for a movie...Now. Is not working.

I guess I'm okay. No, I'm just fine. But I miss you. Is that clear? Heh, I didn't think I'd said it enough. Everything's fine. Everything's always
Just.
Fine.

2007-11-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

all these things that i've done

Hello B'Stewers.

Here's the news from the Burque as it stands:

1. I have been offered not one, but two jobs working for the county! I chose the one that is full-time and has benefits, even though it was not my favorite actual job of the two choices. But I need money, and health care, and these things are good. I will be basically helping to develop and run recreational programs at a community center in a little foothills town east of here. I am very excited! I don't know when I start yet because they have to do all the background check stuff. I put in my two weeks at Red Circle and my last day will be Nov 17th. Hurray for that! No Black Friday, regular days of work, and a non-corporate job!

2. I spent a ton of money at REI today... but! New hiking boots, and cheap outdoor gear, these things are good. Emily is visiting this weekend so I will get to break in the new shoes.

3. Yay! Emily!

4. I have Leopard on my Mac now. It is awesome.

5. Translate the following from the original boy: 'Yes, I like you too.' (short pause) 'I really need to go to bed now.'

6. Speaking of that, RAWR. Lorn horny. Lorn lonely. Lorn like boy. Lorn like boy an awful lot. Lorn lack patience and calm.

7. Cats are funny about bags and boxes. This shit could entertain me for hours.

2007-11-02T15:33:00.000-06:00

friday random ten: the 'holy fuck, my house is freezing!!' edition

Haven't done one of these in ages, but you know the drill: Fire up your music player, hit random, and list the first ten songs that come up.

1. New Year's Prayer - Jeff Buckley
2. Satan is My Motor - Cake
3. Karma Police- Radiohead
4. Gone for Good - The Shins
5. Never There - Cake
6. Alason, Crooked River - Sufjan Stevens
7. Two Little Girls- Ani Difranco
8. Untitled - The Nields
9. Georgia, Georgia - Elliot Smith
10. I Didn't Know About You - Theolonius Monk

And because Friday is also traditionally Catblog day, here is a timely picture of Nikolai channelling his inner demons and accosting my friend's pumpkin.

2007-10-30T12:18:00.000-06:00

the oracle that is your iPod on shuffle

I know that most songs out there are about love, or someone else, or wanting. But sometimes, your random button just knows the right songs to play.

I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything
I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am
When I go to sleep for good will I be forgiven?
If you want roses you can go buy a bouquet.
If that just won't cut it well then what can I say?
You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone wrong
Strength in my bones, put the words in my head
When they pour out to paper it's all for you, because that's what you do
I want to know your fear from your feet to the back of your ears
When they raise the landing gear will your heart stay here?
If you could forgive me for being so brash, you could hit me or whip me,
I'd savor each lash
No more fighting, this is only a waste of our time, because soon we'll be leaving
Will this strength still be mine?
I'll look out for you until I die, until I rot.

Can't Hide Love by Earth Wind and Fire
You want my love and you can't deny
you know it's true, but you try to hide, yeah
You turn down love like it's really bad, ow
You can't give what you never had, yeah
Well bless your soul, you can fool a few, ha ha
Ah, I know the truth now so do you, how how

(You can't hide, I betcha, hoo,)
Betcha
(Betcha)
Can’t hide love, can’t hide love, well I betcha
(girl, I betcha)
I can’t hide, yeah
(feel inside)

You can't pretend there's nothing there
Girl, I look in your eyes, I see you care
So why not stop trying to run and hide
You won't find out, if you never try,

(You want my love, I betcha,)
Ooooo, yeah, whoa oh whoa
(Hoo, Betcha)

You want my love, well I betcha
(girl, I betcha)
Whoa oh whoa, I’ve a feeling inside
(feel inside)

Love has found the time for kissing, yeah
can you find the time to listen
Life’s found the time to want you, yeah
can you find the time for blissing, yeah, how, how.

2007-10-30T11:17:00.000-06:00

carpe something-or-other. just don't sit on your ass and feel sorry for yourself

After a shitty and anxiety-ridden week, I have woken up today with some brighter and calmer spirits with which to shape upcoming days.

Let's just recap:
Monday and Tuesday was spent poring over internet sites, trying to get any news on San Diego, and Rancho Bernardo in particular, that would tell me that my friends and family were all okay and safe and still living in their houses.
Most of the week I was still stressin' about what seemed to be lately my complete lack of performance competence on trombone, and wishing I could shake the rash of bad shows and rehearsals and just...be my trombone self again.
Wed-Monday were spent worrying excessively about major changes in the quintet that had a huge bearing on what came next and how we approached it. I won't write about it here but I'l give you a quick run down in private if you're super curious.
Friday's faux pas on my part in relation to a certain person in whom I am quite interested had me reeling and unhappy, Saturday's progress (or lack thereof) had me convinced that there must be something terribly wrong with me, either that or I'd managed to fall in love with another person not of my sexual orientation. I didn't feel particularly equipped to deal with either of these revelations.

In short, by the end of Sunday night I was an anxiety-ridden and neurotic mess. I was making myself physically ill with all the stress I was putting on myself (having Aunt Flo come by didn't help, either), and I couldn't fall asleep despite being more tired than I think I've ever been in my life.

On Monday something broke in that pattern. During the second of our two kiddie concerts with Santa Fe, I was relaxed (partly due to being so friggen tired I couldn't even make myself think about any of it anymore, partly because it was the third time I'd played this show and it was cake to being with...), and feeling warm chop-wise, and I finally started playing like I know how. Confidently, that is. No holding back on the fun stuff, no worries about what's wrong, just moving forward and making good sounds.

Seems to me musicians aren't always mentally well unless they can really make things happen on their instruments. All of the sudden these problems listed above were surmountable again. The fires have passed, everyone I love is safe. Trombone is fun again, Quintet issues are being dealt with professionally and amicably. And as far as the boy goes- there should be no reason for me to be so anxious. Our time together has been awesome and for me to just simply say, "hey, I like you." without being so afraid of the results is not such a hard thing. If he says, 'thanks but no thanks,' I can move on without feeling like he was the last boy in the world worth my attentions, or that there's something so terribly hideous about me that led him to this decision. And if I'm right and all the signs are there and one of us just has to make the first move- what could be wrong with that?

Now, I've got some business to attend to. Namely, making it to the bank before my last transaction overdraws my account.

2007-10-29T17:37:00.000-06:00

resolution

I will be more demanding of what I want, more honest about my feelings, more confident in my trombone playing, and I will live the way I think I ought to, no regrets, no holds barred, no wishful thinking.

I will start immediately.

2007-10-23T09:23:00.000-06:00

history repeats itself worse

In case any of you were worried about my folks and friends at home in San Diego, this is just a quick update. My parents evacuated at noon yesterday and went downt to Qualcomm Stadium. They wanted to come back home later, but the freeway was closed. So last I heard, they were spending the night in their cars at the stadium because they didn't want to sleep on cots with 50,000 other people. Fair enough.

RB is hit badly. This is the website I've been going to for news briefs and a list of homes destroyed. Most of those streets are in Westwood, where I used to collect recycling to make money for band. My thoughts are with the Mortisons, the Lannis, the Avriettes, the Sarmientos, the Barrs, and everyone else that lived over there and is suffering from these terrible fires. I know of one old acquaintence whose family home is completely gone. Winds aren't expected to break until Wednesday, and last I check, the fire is one 1 percent contained. San Diego needs help.

2007-10-18T08:26:00.001-06:00

woman on the move

Think I rocked my interview yesterday...more details to follow about the specifics of the job and the news as it breaks.

Meanwhile, my inner ethnomusicologist is stirring up a post on Eastern philosophy's influence on funk and soul music. Hello, inner ethnomusicologist!

And I am a woman on the move. Look at me, movi...zzzzzz.

2007-10-15T17:39:00.000-06:00

letters, redux

Dear Right Eye o' mine,

I am hoping that this will all get better on its own. Are you thinking positively with me? Because I need some sign that you are healing. So many things are starting to go right that to have to go through surgery and recovery might completely change the way this year ends up. Have you seen how well Left Eye is doing? It sees almost at a level, and it's definitely much stronger now! If you get better, the two of you can work together and we can all have something resembling normal vision for the first time in our lives.

All my best,
Lorn

Dear Season Four of the Office,

You are really funny, but I have to say I'm looking forward to the episodes going back down to just a half hour. There seems to be a point in these longer episodes where shit just gets a little uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe that's your intention, if so, that's cool. It's just...I miss the concise comedy of the shorter episodes. Just sayin'.

Only a little stitious,
Lorn

Dear Job Interviews on Wednesday and Friday,

I am going to rock you. Prepare for rock.

Love,
Lorn

Dear Red Circle,

I hope that on Friday I can give you my two weeks notice. You see, I am a smart and driven woman, and working as a cashier for you is just not what I want to be doing with my time. I appreciate the hours and the money, to be sure, but I need some more freedom and a little more personality. Plus, I've never been great at working in retail because the whole society of consumerism just sickens the crap out of me.

I hope we can part on friendly terms,
Lorn

Dear 'Jesus Camp' (the movie),

Wow.

Stunned and disgusted with evangelical Christians,
Lorn

Dear Boy,

I am sending good vibes your way. I want you to know that I cannot make any sort of first move for many stupid and anxiety-ridden reasons. I hope you understand. Please don't let me be wrong about this one. I've been wrong so many times...I need a win. I am amazing, you are amazing, let us combine our powers and be amazing together.

Yours in daydreams,
Lorn

Dear Albuquerque,

I love you. Thank you for having me.

Always,
Lorn

2007-10-14T18:10:00.000-06:00

sunday's mixed bag

So, working for the big chain store with the red circle for a logo is not the worst deal ever. I get paid well enough, it's easy, and so far no one's been a tremendous asshole. We'll see how it works when I need to find time off to do a gig or have a rehearsal, but for now, it's money in the bank that I don't have to sweat for.

Today was interesting. I think I'm going to miss having the Balloon Fiesta in town because it's given me a chance to speak with a fair amount of out-of-towners, some from places I've lived or others with an interest in what's in town and how to get there. Today someone asked what the New Mexico sales tax was, and I, not knowing, told them I had just moved from Texas and wasn't sure. I was asked why I moved and I explained the Copper Street thing, getting the most positive and friendly response yet! The woman was a music teacher and she knew all about it. We talked for a little bit and it made me happy to have established a personality at work, which has so far been one of my struggles.

I almost called a guy a lucky bastard for buying a box of condoms. Curse my inability to get laid!

I think it was Hot Dad Day today. We had one of those every other week or so at the pool this summer, and if it's the same at Red Circle, I'll be mighty pleased.

There were a lot of people with puppies today. *shrug*

I must find something to do for the rest of the day that involves me keeping busy and not burning up my right eye. I guess a movie. I need to practice. We play for Empire Brass on Friday! Holy Shit!

Large, resounding, deep breaths.

2007-09-30T22:11:00.000-06:00

you'll ~~punish~~ thank me later

So the new Albuquerque Lorn is riding her bike wherever she can, because that's the responsible environmentalist thing to do (not to mention I'm trying not to be a big lazy-ass...oh and also, the cute boy that's really into biking...yeah...ahem) and it's about time I started saving some money on gas when I get to the bank, Blockbuster, the grocery store, the library, and a number of delicious eateries for free.

The first step, I'm finding, is making it up the hills. At this altitude. They aren't particularly big hills (except for maybe the one on Carlisle that nearly killed me today), but Albuquerque sits at about a mile high, just like our neighbor Denver to the north. While I'm for the most part used to this in terms of trombone playing and general day-to-day activity, I haven't broken in my exercise altitude tolerance yet, apparently.

The other option is that I'm just a wee bit out of shape, and I don't like to admit it to myself. Especially not when it comes to biking. For a girl that used to tear around Madison like a bad-ass, struggling to get three miles to Blockbuster and back is a bit of a let-down. As luck would have it, the Bb closer to me is closed for renovations, so I have to go to the one near UNM's campus. A nice dowhill ride...there. Today I compounded my ride with a trip in the opposite direction to drop off some books at the library, and while that's mostly flat, it almost wore me out before I'd even gotten to Carlisle and it'd dreaded incline.

I wonder if there's a point, for New Mexicans, when it all finally kicks in. When you've been working your ass off and feeling like shit for so long and then finally...it breaks, and it feels like flying again. I'm not optimistic that this day is anywhere near for me, but I'm determined to keep working. I want to do a trialthon, for crying out loud, and if I'm struggingly with the biking which for me takes up the least amount of energy (swimming is easy for me, sure, but it's draining, and running...well, that's a whole 'nother story)...I have some work to do.

Next up: I discover that I've also forgotten how to date, or at least be normal around people that might be interested in me. Chaos ensues.

2007-09-24T11:11:00.000-06:00

attack of the travel bug

Lately I've been completely smitten with the idea of travel. I'm talking big time, far-away travel. I wanna see shit.

I'm reading a Henry James novel, Portrait of a Lady, and while it's not exactly a travel novel, journeys both real and emotional are part of the central focus. It's got me jonesing to go to Italy. I want to see Rome like you would not believe.

Somehow I keep coming across these images of China- either an acquaintence is there or has recently been there, or I"ve just seen more of it lately. But the result of that is I want to go to China. And Japan. Okay all of friggen Asia.

I'm still dying for a trip to South America (notably, Brazil and Argentina), thanks to the last two history classes I took with Dr. I.

My vacation in Crested Butte was so good...so unbelievably god-damn good that I want to go up there again, and have a vacation without worries, with good friends I never get sick of, with my trombone and jazz and a minimum of inspirational and challenging personal growth activities (the one I did participate in not promising to be so until I was standing on the 20 ft high cliff overlooking a resevoir with 10 otherwise cocky and self-assured jazz guys chanting my name). Can I repeat it again? Best vacation I've ever had. I think I'd forgotten that that was what vacations were really like. You shouldn't mind going home, but you shouldn't particularly want to. The being there is good enough.

My friend Jon recently went to Australia. I want to there.

My friend Jeremy recently won the Vienna gig, because he's a bad-ass like that, so I want to go there.

Bethany and Phil are in Germany. Lesse, do I want to go there? Check.

Kristopher's going to Ireland and France over Christmas. Dammit!!

I've never been to NYC properly. I'd like to see Georgia. Camping in Utah is a must. There are eight million people I miss and want to see in Seattle. Colorado Colorado Colorado.

I keep thinking how much fun it would be to take the quintet on a tour of Europe, or Japan. Something along the lines of Crested Butte- a few performances in each city, a free day or two, the joy of being someplace and being appreciated as more than a tourist but as someone who is there to enrich that place in their own personal way and move on again, each side having gained something invaluable from the other.

My only complication to all these wondrous plans? All that silly debt. My lack of employment. I just got here.

Something will happen. Before I'm 30, I'm going to Asia. This is a promise.

2007-09-24T00:37:00.000-06:00

talking=good for you

Less negativity now. Yay! But don't get too excited, it'll probably find its way back sooner or later. Just part of the cycle of being Lorn.

Besides, something silly and fun happened, and it really means nothing but it made me feel good anyway. Isn't that nice?

And besides that, I practiced for a good hour today. Real, honest-to-goodness practicing, which I haven't done in months because of...many things. Moving, not being in school, lots of rehearsing wearing me out, etc. It feels good to nail some stuf down and hear my real sound come back, not this half-assed out of shape trombone playing I've been getting away with lately. Time to shine! Quintet recital in less than three weeks!

Check out the movie Year of the Dog. It's quite fantastic in its quirky little way.

I will leave you with a Professor Smith quote.

"I just want to stand up here and get a big paycheck and not have to sweat over your entrance."

I miss that man's infinite wisdom.

2007-09-22T11:14:00.000-06:00

mémege à trois

On generous loan from Day (who will be here in the Nuevo in about 2 weeks!).

Classical Music Meme
1. Name a recording that you just can't imagine living without.

Well, ironically my favorite recording I have been living without: CSO and Reiner doing Pines and Fountains of Rome. Following that, since you're just not supposed to pick only one of course, Vienna doing Mahler 5, Berlin/Ozawa doing Prokofiev 5, Center City Brass Quintet's Streetsong album.

2. Name a piece written in the last 20 years that you've heard on recording or in concert that you found particularly gratifying, moving and/or stimulating.

Carter Pann's Slalom is not only exhilirating, it's fun to play. It'll be on the UNT Wind Symphony CD this year. Also, my friend at UNT, Mark Scott, wrote an awesome trombone octet called 'spectives.

3. Name a piece that you know from a concert or recording that you are very fond of but that you think most people, even in the industry, wouldn't be all that familiar with.

The Suite for Unaccompanied Cello by Kodaly is pretty friggin awesome. And most definitely Astor Piazzolla's operetta/musical drama Maria de Buenos Aires. Ginastera's got some underappreciated works too, like the piano sonatas and the Variaciones concertantes (wow, I think Professor I. should pay me for saying that).

Tag! You're it.

2007-09-21T12:56:00.000-06:00

and falling back down

First off, a disclaimer: This isn't a post to make anyone feel sorry for me, or to get anyone to tell me how awesome I am or that I'm being too hard on myself. I kinda just need to write some of this down so I have a way of not thinking about it for a while. Of course I shall do this with Mahler's Symphony No. 2 as my soundtrack, because that's just what you do (and also because Mahler 2 will be associated forever with that one amazing concert that was followed by one incredibly ill-thought-out drunken evening: hurray for both inspiring and embarassing!) when you want some deep thought to pour out of you.

I'm caught up a bit in this cycle of negativity lately that I'm trying very hard to escape. The difference this time around, though, is that it's not affecting my whole outlook too terribly: in other words I think it but I'm not feeling it, most of the time. I'm able to see through it to a brighter side, or at least take the time to realize that it's just another part of moving and adjusting. Interesting how we can see ourselves get older and wiser sometimes, isn't it?

The general span of my negative thoughts is in most part a reaction (in that purely scientific sense) to the general attitude of a few people around here who seem to be made more happy discussing how unhappy things make them than they would actually taking steps to fix them. While I've never been of that particular mindset, the energy this creates takes its place in my mind as more self-directed and I start to find myself feeling pretty darn shitty about myself and my prospects.

For instance, I find myself thinking about what I would do in the event that this quintet self-destructs. Where does that leave me? What then is my musical path? I'd like to think that maybe I'd go back to UNT and study jazz, because other than the pure fun of it, I'd certainly be in higher demand as a performing musician wherever I chose to go than I am now. But how many more years of school is that? And is it reasonable? By the time I made myself useful in that department, would I be too old for the hip stuff and too young for the nostalgic? Why do I have such a bias against leaving my 20s? Am I succumbing to the national fear of obscurity and loss of youth?

And then of course my thoughts stray to love, because if I'm getting older, does that mean I have to keep up accordingly with those of my age who act grown up and serious about marriage and kids? Even if I know there are a lot of people who don't want that, aren't people looking more and more at what their prospective mates have accomplished? I'm just a kid still in that department. I have a master's degree and I've done two professional gigs that could be called a career path. I live in a house I can't presently afford and I'm struggling even to get some sort of nominal part time work, the kind of thing they generally hire 17 year old kids for. At least I don't live at home with my parents? What exactly am I offering? What do I care anyway, when all I want is to find someone pretty much similar to me? Why does it feel like those kinds of people are all 23? Am I that emotional age still?

None of this matters of course, since I'm afraid of making any sudden moves around anyone I'm interested in these days. Two bad experiences and I'm psychologically fucked. Somehow I'm too worried that rejection is inevitable, so I just don't risk it. Why does rejection scare me so much? It's not usually personal...in so much as it is, but you know what I mean. I'm tired of feeling that what I've worked to make myself is somehow odious to anyone who might consider any sort of intimacy with me. And that of course lends itself to all sorts of self-image issues. Hurray!

(Mahler 2 Interlude: Don't you just love those triumphant, joyous sections? So happily Mahler, so gracefully exuberant and celebratory. And then just as suddenly as they began, they turn dark and dancing...the original soundtrack for some Tim Burton film)

And what's with the way I take criticism? I don't mean musical criticism. I think I've attuned myself enough to that to understand how to make it constructive. Why do I feel like I should be so perfect in the way I deal with things while I'm so quick to fault other people for the way they react? Why do I like to see other people put down in the same breath that I am praised? That's not very nice! Sure, I think I handle things very well, so why shouldn't I want a little help in doing even better? But even in the short time I've been here I feel like I'm getting worse and worse at that, maybe not so much when it comes to business and professional issues, but things that affect me emotionally. I seem to be regressing, allowing things that mean nothing to make me angry and inconsolable. Nobody here is going to change for me; I either have to change myself or find people that fit.

I just think that maybe, if I could just feel for a little while that I've done well or been funny or pleased someone else in some way that makes a lasting impression, I could stop this viscious cycle and get back down to the busienss of being me.

And here it comes. Mahler's genius in bringing in the trombones just when they're needed the most. Extraordinary.

2007-09-16T21:42:00.000-06:00

stepping up

There are several things I know I'm good at, in the realm of leadership. I know I can be diplomatic, I know I can play devil's advocate and see the validity of any and all sides of a particular problem, I know I can talk at great length with some eloquence, I know I can see both long-term and short-term goals with clarity and how to approach both. It's for these reasons that I've never felt uncomfortable taking charge of a chamber group and helping to structure it both musically and professionally. In fact, I think it's because of these traits that I feel most comfortable in chamber groups: I have the luxury of input and control over my own show (as opposed to being in a symphony and having little say in the artistic direction), but I also have the quality ideas and energies of my fellow members, who diffuse some of the stress and spotlight of doing the music business alone. Of course, any chamber group is only as good as the relationship between its members, but I think with the right group of people it's the most rewarding experience I could ask for.

I've been holding back from taking too much of a leadership role in CSB since I moved to Albuquerque, mostly because I was feeling unsettled and unsure, and also because it seemed like there was an even distribution of leadership among us. I think that's true to a certain extent, but it seemed like we were all holding back from something. While either we were getting frustrated with each other or just focusing on our individual tasks, there wasn't much forward motion in the group. Last year, as I sat in a meeting with my old professor who had agreed to coach my trombone quartet, it was mentioned that, democratic as a chamber group may be, it needs someone to step up to the plate as unofficial leader in some way. Whether that leader simply delegate tasks to other members or have a large say in the direction of the group depended mostly on the personality and make up of the group in question, but either way a balance needed to be struck in order for the group to function effectively. I guess we Westerners are just helpless without our precious direction from someone else.

Long story short, after several conversations about various aspects of the group's frustrated forward progress, and after having delved into my new bible (The Musician's Business and Legal Guide), it all just came spilling out. This is the group and the musical direction I've wanted to take with my professional life since my first foray into chamber music. Why would I waste all the time and the money I've spent to get out here and get this started just because people were frustrated, when I knew I could fix it and make things move forward? I'm no stranger to leadership and I'm no stranger to stating my mind.

I can fix things. I am a fixer.

And a leader.

I feel good for doing this. I feel stronger and more competent and ten times more hopeful than I did yesterday, or last week, or even when I moved out here to start this crazy ride. This will work. This will be an experience I can use and hold near for the rest of my life. This is what I want to do.

Okay. Pep talk over. Let's quintet.

2007-09-13T17:44:00.000-06:00

how i made myself official

The Land of Enchantment having accepted me willingly within its boundaries, I've begun to make steps that will insure the path of my eventual transformation into a New Mexican. It's weird. Even in Wisconsin, I never really let go of those things that made me distinctly Californian; I kept my driver's license and my voter registration, I hung on desperately to certain kinds of clothes even though they were woefully inadequate for the harsher northern climate. Sure, in Texas I had a house, my house, but I still had a CA driver's license and a fierce loyalty to the Pacific Ocean.

But I think if I'm going to make it here, if I'm really going to take this opportunity to grow up and be on my own with a big-kids musical ensemble and a large amount of rent to pay, I need to settle down a little quicker.

As I mentioned, I already have a library card and a bank account. Today I got a New Mexico driver's license. The first time in 10 years I haven't held a California ID card, and surprisingly, I'm okay with it. My picture's even...acceptable.

Next step: NM plates for my car.

I've even gone so far as to set up an online personal ad, one that says something to the effect of 'Hi! Hi! Look at me! Cuteee! I need love in the location I am currently at!'. I feel like a puppy at the pound. I have to admit I was a little wary, not wishing to recreate the events of the last time I tried to meet people online (heartbreak, while it may heal emotionally, always leaves some little psychological mark on our brains). But it was late, I was a little delusional from watching so many episodes of The Office, and I had finding a Jim Halpert on my brain. Here goes nothing!

In other news, CSBQ has a gig this weekend. Two weekends in a row with a gig! I'm hot stuff!

2007-09-07T10:02:00.000-06:00

anyone still out there? hello? hello?

My apologies for my continued absence, even though I said previously that I was back. I was wrong.

So, I'm here. In New Mexico. Starting a brass quintet. Going broke. Kind of lonely and missing- of all things- UNT jazz and the people in it.

Other than that, things are pretty good. I have a nice house, a library card, and a reattached retina. I got to flirt at the bank the other day and I can ride my bike most places I need to go. The weather is perfect, the scenery is amazing, and I have high-speed internet at home. In other words, I'm on my way both to feeling like myself again and to inventing the New Mexico me, the person that will adapt to the people and places here and become some new evolution of my ongoing personal development.

This first picture is the view from my front porch. Hello, Sandia Peak! I have been up there yet because of eye-bubble related issues (changing altitude was a strict no-no), but now that's it's for the most part gone, I can go exploring. I checked out a 'Hiking New Mexico' book from the library (along with all the CDs I could hold...man I love having a perfectly functioning computer again) whih I intend to use extensively until I find my favorite trails and get my hike on properly.

The Diesel Sweeties comic is a fair indication of the conflict I feel in my personal life right now. Let's just leave it at: it's nice to be myself and have my time and do what I want...but...but...*sigh* Never mind, it's pointless.

Heh. Silly me. How easy is it to be happy and content when you've surrounded yourself (finally) with the kind of friends whose company you both enjoy and never get weary of, only to leave it and have to start over again? The first realization of that for me is the wave of physical and emotional loneliness, the one that says, 'just how long now has it been, seriously, since you even made out with someone?' Why does that have to be the first thing? Why can't it be, 'Oh man, these people don't get all the Eddie Izzard references I make in a day! I miss Ben.' No. It's gotta be the one thing that makes you feel the shittiest.

Thanks for that. Moving on.

I'm having a house-warming party tonight, and I'm making penne and salad and hopefully getting nice and drunk, although not terribly, since I have a gig tomorrow that I should be on the ball for. The trouble is, I don't know which grocery store to go to that will provide me with the proper cheese. The one closest has a poor selection (although they do have Manchego...hello, Kristopher!), the Trader Joe's is miles and miles away, and Whole Foods is expensive. What ever shall a girl do?

I will say this: it's nice living in a fair-sized city again. Sure, ABQ is lacking in some of my basic needs (a WaMu branch, Chipotle, free jazz on Monday and Thursday nights with $2 wells at the bar), but it's got other stuff. A nice downtown. Trader Joe's. Excellent Mexican food. Chama River Brewing Company. A relatively stress-free freeway system. Mountains. Hard to explain...but the feeling of being here is so different from Texas. It's a relief and yet it's weird. It's home and yet it doesn't have Thai Ocha. It's big...but still it's kinda smallish. But it has an airport (next to which I have taken up residence...the pros and cons of living near an international airport will be discussed in a later post). I dunno. I miss Denton...but I don't.

I'll leave that confusion for another day. It's time to go hunt for cheese and vegetables.

2007-07-21T09:30:00.000-06:00

welcome back birthday blog

Are you ready for this? Here comes Buddha Stew in all its original glory. Musings, reflections, angst, and humorous takes on everyday life all at your quick and easy perusal.

Okay, enough of that.

So, a summer spent lifeguarding at a water park. A summer that found North Texas drenched with rain for all of June and a good part of July. A summer where I learned the difference between the rumble of thunder and the rubbery sound of an overweight person sliding through the moist skin of a wet innertube. A summer where my colleagues, young and fresh-faced with the air of self-possesed 17-year olds, lived out their seasonal dramas in catch pools and lazy rivers. A summer spent giving swim lessons to little children, some of whom irrevocably and unequivocably fell in love with me and became my small cheering fan club as I sped screaming to what seemed like my inevitable demise on the yellow speed slide (a near straight drop of 300 feet). A summer where my innate ability to tan brown as a the proverbial berry became apparent to all my Texas friends, who were previously convinced I was just as inherently pasty white as the rest of them.

I finished my last academic obligation at UNT, but failed to get the necessary paperwork in on time, and so will not be graduating officially this August but instead in December. UNT wins again! Nevertheless I continue to play in the Jazz Repetory Ensemble, which kicks my ass and takes my name and yet promises to be a lot of fun on a week-long trip to the mountain paradise of Crested Butte, Colorado.

I'm writing this from my future home of Albuquerque, NM (now affectionally known to the people I will be joining here as Albukkake), where I've been for a day and am preparing to find a place to live when I eventually move (tenative date: August 20th). I've already managed to misplace my camera at one rental possibility and am kicking myself for doing so right before going to see the legendary Bobby Shew play his own particular, highly superior, liquidy jazz licks. On Monday the quintet (Copper Street Brass!) heads up to Denver for the Summit Brass Festival, in which we hope to not only rock out but inscribe our names on the list of up-and-coming promising brass players.

And all of this is, of course, centered around the main event of my 26th birthday, a feat I never hoped to actually acheive and yet here I am, entering with great grace into what Hedwig affectionally terms my 'early late twenties'. If 25 was something else entirely (and it was...possibly one of my favorite ages so far), then I hope 26 will be just as good. Never mind that I'm speeding toward 30...this is all just too much fun. I'll miss the crowd I've assembled at UNT (jazzers, trombonists, linguists, and like-minded drinkers) but this will be fun too. Already I feel at home and already I'm planning great things.

Now, I imagine I'll have to go and take Al's dog for a walk, or she'll simultaneously combust as she poops on the floor. Not something I want to have to explain.

2007-06-18T18:13:00.000-06:00

how not to deal

Well, guys, I am a mess.

I'm still contemplating my break from blogging, but I had to get this out there.

So I'm used to the whole diaspora of friends by now, right? I've made it through some big moves myself, as well as watching people move away from me, and I've made it. I haven't been too upset or distraught and I've managed to go about my daily life without too much sadness.

This isn't how I am right now.

I'm not really sure who I can talk to about it, or how to get through a day without tearing up, or how to even begin to think of this as the start of that new and exciting period in my life I'm getting ready to embark on when I feel a little aimless and lonely.

Anyway. Enough beating around the bush.

Hey, Ben, I miss you.

Too short, that's how I feel about the time Ben and I were friends in the same location. Yeah. We're still friends. But now we're friends with thousands of miles of distance between us, and I'm still stuck in Denton for another two months, trying to decide if the things I've loved doing so much for the past semester (The Loophole on Monday nights, random chats at Art Six, trashy gay flicks, The Flying Saucer, Eddie Izzard references, listening to jazz, back massages) aren't things I want to avoid in hopes that I can stop feeling like shit. I don't think I'd feel so badly if I knew that soon I'd get to be on my way as well, but it's not as soon as I would like it to be. Now with all this free time, and extra cash at that, one of the main people I've spent the last eight months or so with has moved out/up/on.

Dammit.

There are still people here I want to hang out with and have fun with. I love them all very much. But I feel like some of my balance is gone- whereas I might have hung out with someone for something, later that evening I would call up Ben and we'd hang out. Or I'd get invited to a party where I didn't know many people and Ben would come along for company. And on and on, same old sob story.

Greatest hits?

Thanksgiving- the epic all-night conversation. The first couple weeks of going out to the Loophole. The glorious movie Eating Out. Ben's birthday. The first time we all went down to Oaklawn, and the lesser known time before that...when it was just Ben, Jason and I. Ft Worth trips. Knowing I had a good friend from the very beginning.

Better come visit me soon, babe. Like I said a long time ago, I'm going to miss the shit out of you.

2007-06-11T09:31:00.000-06:00

it's not you, it's me

Guys, I'm taking a small break from blogging. If you couldn't tell already, posts have been getting fewer and father between. Frankly, I just don't have much time to write and not much to write about. In the fall, when big changes roll around, you can be sure I'll be back here, updating and keeping you posted. Heh.

Anyway, have a good summer, everyone!

2007-05-23T13:02:00.000-06:00

invisibility, changes, dreams, frustrations, and places with familiar smells
or
obligatory start-of-summer introspective post
or
the one where you realize, 'holy shit, this kid's got issues'

So, summer.

Monday evening I got back from a week long sojourn to beautiful Albuquerque in which I finally got to realize the dream that is my very own professional brass quintet, in which I hung out with good friends and drank beer and hiked and enjoyed every minute of it.

So why was I so relieved to be back home?

Why was it Monday night at the Loophole and I didn't want to be anywhere else except there, with my crew of good friends, in a loud, smokey, trashy little dive drinking Shiner Hefeweizen out of a plastic cup?

Changes are hard, even when they are exciting and promising. ABQ was fun, and it was exhilarating to think of everything that would be mine in the fall. But it was also extremely difficult to be there and not be moving in- to have to think about all these things before I've said goodbye to everything here.

I'm leaving Texas, something I've wanted to do since the minute I moved here. But I know I'll miss it like I've missed every place I've spent any good amount of time; I'll miss the familiarity of places and people, of routines and expectations. I'll miss knowing what comes next as well as all both the changes that I have welcomed and those that have taken me by surprise.

I can't help but have been changed by this place, by my experiences here. I arrived in Texas still struggling with so many things: my relationship (or lack of) with Jerry, my goals and hopes in regards to music, my self-image. Somewhere in the middle I learned a valuable lesson about love, I acquired two cats, I went back to school. I became the trombone player I wanted to be, I worked harder than I ever had before. I made friends with unexpected people and remembered what it was like to be silly and free. For the first time in four years I've let my hair grow out past my ears and I took up running.

But the one thing that's full-circle, in a sense? I'm still alone. I'm still all my own person. I can't claim ownership of anyone's time, no one can do the same to me. On this end of the Texas equation it's free of that gut-wrenching pain of not being with the person I loved, but it's filled with uncertainity, and let me be perfectly honest, terror.

We are all hypocrites, aren't we? Let's say one person is mad because someone they like is ignoring them, hoping they'll go away and get the picture. But then they turn around and do the same to someone who likes them. That someone, annoyed and angry, in turn shuns someone else because they are, to put it frankly, kind of a joke. But how terrible is that? Maybe everyone's a joke to someone, but a treasure to someone else. Maybe we all deserve a chance, or at least a little honesty.

What if one day a friend asks you about information regarding one of your friends, for a friend of theirs? But your friend, the one in question, recently stopped telling you anything because they decided they didn't trust you anymore and that made you cry for the first time in a year...so now all these people (because no, that's not the first time, nor will it be the last, that people will use you for this particular kind of information) who ask you these personal questions are doing you no favors, even though they mean well, they're just grinding in the hurtful fact that you don't have the information, that even if you did you would be hesitant to give it, even though that's what the original argument was all about in the first place. In some perverse way, this attention only serves to make you feel even more invisible than you do already.

Here's the crux of it: Those times when I think, 'gee, I'm great! Everyone should love me and bask in the joy of knowing me' are tempered with the moments that someone shuts me down, brings me low, and points out something that isn't so great. Those times don't last, because sometimes things I thought would hold steady forever fall apart without warning. Those times don't last because in the face of it, I hold myself aloof still from really trying with people, from digging in and letting myself go. I don't want that to hurt like I know it can- who does want that? And obviously things are changing for me and there's no real reason to go seeking out a situation I'll have to leave in three months.

But I want something. I want to meet someone knew, and feel the thrill of getting to know them. I want long, challenging conversations and I want the other person to feel as excited about me as I do about them. I want to feel like the friendships I've made here will stand the test of distance I'm about to submit them to. I want to get a thrill from someone's touch. I want to feel beautiful because of myself, but not just for myself. I want to let go of all my fears and actually do, whole-heartedly, intently, earnestly, what I've set myself up to do.

And I don't want to have to wait until I get to my next destination.

2007-05-08T21:15:00.000-06:00

um, argh?

I'm sitting here trying to be diligent and get at least half of an unedited version of my 20 page research paper detailing the effects of popular Brazilian samba on racial attitudes and culture in Rio de Janeiro (a work I have convincingly titled "The Colonization of Samba: Identity, racism, and radio in 20th century Rio de Janeiro"), but right here around the middle of page five I find myself extremely distracted and highly in need of sitting around a coffee shop shooting the shit with friends.

I feel this way about writing papers: I love doing the research. I love reading up on the topic, finding ideas that justify my own, learning new and useful information. I love sitting down to write and having it flow, I love getting up on my soapbox and proving the shit out of my salient points. But! I hate. I hate citing shit, making sure I credit everything, having to go back through texts to get the exact idea, writing up bibliographies and footnotes, and most of all and most hatefully, I hate editing.

As for setting goals, as in 'tonight I will get to page 10 and tomorrow I will round this sucker off and send it on its merry way,' for me and papers this doesn't usually work. I have to break it down into smaller, more manageable sections for my highly distractable brain. I should instead say, 'tonight I will write five pages or at least to a decent stopping point, edit them to flow smoothly with what I would like to say next, and tomorrow I will write five more pages or to a decent stopping point and edit them to flow smoothly with what I would like to say next.' Of course, the paper is due Friday, but I can't be doing any of it on Friday because of gigs and work, so that leaves ten pages and the general edit to do all on Thursday. Which means that I will be sitting here Thursday stressin'. I will not write my best work and I will be unhappy with the finished project, which is unfortunate being as I am incredibly geeked about my current field of study.

So what should I do? That chai latte will still be there tomorrow, right? Nose to the grindstone, right? I'll be happy I did it now, right?

Right?

Argh!

This is my second-to-last academic paper, barring the highly unlikely chance that someday someone asks me to actually use my secondary musicology degree. Sweet, sweet freedom is just around the corner.

2007-05-08T12:13:00.001-06:00

holy shit

I now know someone in the Vienna Philharmonic.

I gotta go practice.

2007-04-30T12:43:00.000-06:00

i could justify being an asshole, but i think i'll just ride my bike instead

Now that my orals are done, the remainder of my school obligations for the semester are the kinds of things one normally does at the end of a semester: perform juries and write papers. No sweat, right? (Sheesh, I do need to get started on that paper though)

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I've got a job, so I won't be completely bored and broke, and I've got some excited trips lined up. I'll be in Colorado for two weeks at the end of July- one week for Summit and the other for Crested Butte, which I'm attending as a member of the Jazz Repetory Ensemble. May 14th I'm headed out to ABQ for the first meeting of my quintet- I've been looking forward to this for months. Tim and Al and Megan and brass quintet and beer! What could go wrong?

I learned a lot about people this weekend, which I could muse about at length. However, the encroaching summer and the lessening of responsibilities has changed my attitude to one more about having fun and not worrying about these people. I won't be around them in the fall. The people I want to keep close will stay close because they feel the same way.

And I am now opening applications for a summer fling. Interested parties please apply in person by May 31st.

2007-04-24T17:06:00.000-06:00

four winds

It's that time again- the time of year when people start scattering and I find myself facing yet another group of friends that is migrating across both country and ocean to find new homes. This time I am one of the travellers, which makes it both exciting and terrifying.

Here is a short list of everyone I know who is leaving our currently flooded and very, very deluged city of Denton (I need an ark just to get to my car! I have two cats to donate to the flood survivors but they are both boys; at any rate their dangly bits have been removed and there's no future progeny eminent):

Ben is on his way to Cincinnati to attend CCM on a full assistantship in jazz.
Leah is winding her way north to Seattle with a full ride to UW.
Ross and Kristopher will find themselves in Pittsburg in the fall, where Kristopher will get his doctorate (also on a nice assistantship! I have such talented friends) and Ross will teach.
Chuck is going to Athens, OH to start his Master's trombone performance degree.
Jeremy is going to Holland to study with Ben Van Dyk at the Rotterdam Conservatory.

And of course there's me, but you already know where I am going, probably because I won't shut up about it. My plane ticket for my visit in May is booked, which means I will be absolutely incapable of getting any work done because I'll be too excited to do it.

"I have friends all over this country, friends in other countries too. I've got friends I haven't met yet, I've got friends I never knew. I've got lovers whose eyes I've only seen at a glance. I've got strangers for greatgrandchildren. I've got strangers for ancestors. I was a long time coming, I'll be a long time gone. You've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long." -Ani Difranco, "Willing to Fight"

2007-04-19T14:44:00.000-06:00

all that remains

The countdown to summer begins as I start to cross off major projects from my list and make plans for both summer employment and hopping states in the fall.

Here is what the remainder of this semester looks like:
Tonight, April 19th- Final Wind Symphony concert
Sunday, April 22nd- Center for Chamber Music Studies Showcase concert
(Edit 4/23: That went really bloody well. Phew!)
Friday, April 27th- Oral examination
Passed! Le Check!
Wednesday, May 2nd- Jury Done and done!
Thursday, May 3rd- Tune Jury Sheesh. I folded all over the minor harmonic scales. Oh well, it's over.
Wed, May 9th- Secondary project/recital for Music in Latin America class Done...
Friday, May 11th- 20 page research paper on the influence of radio and nationalism on Brazilian samba due...and done.

And then I can go to Albuquerque for a week, which can't come soon enough.

My summer job is again lifeguarding, this time with the City of Denton pools. They've also asked me to teach swim lessons, and are renewing my certification in that for free, which is more than excellent. I'll be making a large chunk of extra change that way.

I'm taking one class (Survey of Major Composers) in the summer, along with one session of summer lessons. I'm planning a few big trips if I can both fit them in and afford them: Wisconsin over July 4th for the family reunion extravanganza, The Summit Brass festival in Denver July 23-28th, and hopefully a trip to NYC in August(?) with Ben to visit Davis, Eugene, and anyone else I happen to find there. At some point in August too the great moving adventure will begin. The plan is tenatively to fly Allison out, fill up a truck with both my stuff and whatever I need from IKEA, and drive that and my car out to Albuquerque. Luckily it's only a day's drive but it sure does suck to go through the panhandle of Texas.

And from there on out it's anyone's guess, except for the part where we all become rockstars.

Wooot.

2007-04-12T10:33:00.000-06:00

just because

Kurt Vonnegut died last night.

Of all the shit that's been happening lately, this is the one thing that finally made me cry.

"Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the Universe." -KV Hocus Pocus

2007-04-10T11:17:00.000-06:00

i was going to hell long before you came around

I think it's pretty funny when uber religious people can't take a joke. Especially when it's not a joke even really about their religion, but really more of a mocking of some other social entity.

Before Easter a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell to give me a flyer about their upcoming services. The picture on the flyer was a representation of Jesus, bound and bleeding, with crosses and soldiers in the background. The text read "Who is the greatest man who ever lived? Why is it important to remember him?" followed by information regarding the church and dates, etc.

Chuck got a hold of the flyer, which I of course left for house perusal on the hallway table, and wrote underneath "Who is the..." "LEON BROWN". It was then stuck to the fridge and left for our enjoyment.

Leon Brown in this case is not a baseball player, but instead the first trombone professor at UNT. Every year in the spring we hold an annual Leon Brown Trombone Day in his honor, which basically serves as a recruitment day for new trombone blood in the studios here.

The joke is of course on trombone players. We're a little zealous, we have our idols and our gods, and we like to lionize. It's not really a joke on Christianity if you look at it closely.

At our totally awesome and rocking party on Friday night, someone left us a note. The irony that the note was written on my cheesy cute notepaper with the chubby, red-cheeked cats dancing around the edges is not lost on me. The note reads "UM, because of this poster I can assure 'you' are going to burn in hell".

The handwriting's terrible, though, so until Chuck translated it for me yesterday I thought it said "Um, because of this note I can assure 'you' are going to Bain IM Hall" which doesn't make much sense except that Bain Hall is where all the music TAs and TFs have their offices. So, I was trying to put the IM in context, maybe 'instrumental music'? And wondering at the same time if Leon Brown was holed up in Bain somewhere waiting for his loyal followers to come to him and unleash the glorious new future.

At any rate, the Skelton House has been condemned to hell. Because of a joke on trombone players. We weren't going to Christian hell before because of the drinking, smoking, extramarital sex, same-sex relationships, vandalism, theft, eating of shellfish, coveting, taking various lords' names in vain, and other various and sundry terrible sins we commit on a daily basis, but this joke really is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back.

I find that amusing.

2007-04-02T12:45:00.001-06:00

astoundingly accurate

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-03-30T17:29:00.000-06:00

loosely categorized musings on body image politics: an ill-formed treatise of all things self-esteem

I wrote some of this post today at the gym as I ran around the track. The irony is not lost on me.

So. I've started being more intense about my exercise. I've never been a complete blob- I'd swim occasionally and definitely preferred walking or biking if I could help it. But in January some kind of bug bit my lazy ass and I took up running. On top of that, I would swim or bike the days I didn't run, and do a short little jumping-jack, weight-lifting, sit-up session either at night or in the morning everyday. The result is that I feel a lot better, look trimmer and in general have less annoying back pain, which is my personal favorite of the indirect pluses associated with my workout routine.

There are various reasons for this increase in my physical activity. The most obvious is of course my desire to look better, lose a little weight, and feel stronger. However, I've conditioned myself over the years to fight the instincts to 'look good', especially in mainstream and socially accepted ways. This is not to say that I spend all my time doing my best to look my worst, but just that I try not to get down on myself for not looking like everyone else. The result of this is that I tend to justify my actions in different ways, rather than admit that I just want to look better and, thusly, be more attractive to people I would like to make out with.

So I've come up with the idea that someday I want to do a triathlon. This is true. I would very much like to participate in a triathlon and reap the benefits of said participation. I am trying to accept that justification as well as come to terms with the truth of wanting to look better and be more attractive, because there's nothing wrong with wanting that, is there?

Is there?

The more I work out, the more I start feel this enormous pressure on me to look even better, to go further, to do more. Part of it might be that at the gym I am surrounded by all the people that look amazing already, and the people that look like me (nice enough, really, but strikingly out of shape comparatively) are fewer and father between than they are outside in the real world. I'm also experiencing a shift in my social circle that involves more jazz musicians, and that means more cocky, self-assured men that like a certain kind of woman. Who is not me. And who I have no desire to be.

But it's frustrating. I'm tired of having to fight for the attention of the opposite sex because I don't look a certain way. I'm tired of having to keep telling myself that it just means I haven't met someone that really actually likes me yet and that I should be patient and flexible. Because I'm tired, I start to make compromises. I bought makeup, and I wear it. I never used to wear makeup. I thought it made me look silly and on top of that, suggested a whole realm of insecurities I had no business poking my nose into. I have more sexy 'going-out' shirts now than I did a few weeks ago, because the one I do have got me so many compliments at a jazz party I felt like a friggin princess (nevertheless a busty one). I like it when my closer friends tell me I look sexy on a regular basis, but I am concerned when it only happens when I've made a particular effort to do so. I've actually started talking about calories and eating healthy. I've always eating healthfully- it's one of the things I think goes along with being a vegetarian- and I've also always resented it when I have to sit and listen to people whine about diets and what they can and can't eat. I don't like to think about these things. I enjoy food and beer and I enjoy these things at their finest.

But after a night of eating something rich or drinking a few beers, the next day you'll find me at the gym and certainly the thing on my mind has to do with how much effort I have to put in to counteract the negative physical effects of said binges. I'm on a completely different ground here than I've ever been. I'm trying hard to find a balance between doing the things I love: running, biking, swimming, eating, and drinking beer, and the attitude and approach I take toward each of these things.

It's all very confusing. On one hand, there is the me that fights all the socially acceptable ways for women to be: beautiful, slender, insecure about appearance (often for the sake of garnering attention from men), well made up, well dressed, etc., and on the other hand there is the me that wants to be strong and sexy and respected and feels that part of this involves fitting into the socially acceptable womanly front. I'm a little weary of hearing myself think that if I just looked a little better or tried a little harder to be more 'woman', this stupid boy bullshit wouldn't happen. I know that's not true. I know that the most beautiful and amazing woman I know here didn't have that protection from being treated like shit by someone who was supposed to be in love with her. I know also that she'll have no end of guys to pick from who will treat her better and I know that my pool is smaller.

There's really no end to this debate for me. I go in circles about it everyday. And you? What do you think?

2007-03-30T17:22:00.000-06:00

done!

So, my recital went fabulously. Here is a picture of my awesome brass quintet- we rocked the house on the Arnold. It's true. Don't deny it. I would put a picture up of me playing, but my mom is silly and with my camera didn't manage to get a good picture. So I have to wait for them to get home and upload the pics from their camera.

Anyway, a brief rundown: The first piece was a little rough, and I had trouble settling into it as I was nervous and didn't know it quite as well as the rest of the program. It wasn't terrible, just chipped some stuff and played a few things out of tune in general. The second piece rocked- best I've ever played it. Everything after that was great. The last piece I did before the quintet went very well, but about halfway through I could hear the fatigue in my sound but couldn't feel it- felt like I was playing on cotton or something. Oh well. Shook it off and went on to finish on the proverbial and literal high note.

And then, beer!

I am so glad it's over, but I definitely had a good time doing it. I'd forgotten that recitals are fun because you don't get nervous really after the first few minutes. It's your stage and you own it. I knew that music backward and forward and I had no reason not to play the snot out of it. Looking forward to getting the recording back.

So yeah! Hurray! Onward to: my oral examinations, my resume and recording project, my 20 page research paper, my tune and excerpt juries, and everything else I've put off for the last month!

2007-03-28T09:30:00.000-06:00

today's the day!

Tonight at 8 pm in the UNT Concert Hall I will be giving my Master's degree recital. I am excited and nervous and excited again, but I think it is going to go great. I am only really worried about one little thing, and it's such a little thing!

Looking forward to it being over as well, so I can reap the benefits of my hard work- in other words, sit around drinking delicious beer while people tell me how awesome I am.

Here is my program:

Suite for trombone and piano by Axel Jorgensen
Concerto for trombone and piano by Ida Gotkovsky
Portal for trombone alone by Dajeong Choi (This piece was written for me! I love it)
Sonata for trombone and piano by John Stevens
Quintet by Malcolm Arnold

It's a tough blow but I know this shit. Time to rock out!

2007-03-25T13:38:00.000-06:00

blergh

I was pretty much the queen of all fools last night, and in the morning (oh, shit...afternoon) light it's all too shamefully apparent.

It's blatantly goddamn obvious that this person I like doesn't return the feeling. I've known this for a good two weeks or so, and yet I'm still hung up on the whole thing. I'm pretty sick of myself ruining mine and everyone else's evening by going out with the intention of having a good time and then about half way through freaking out and spending the rest of the time moping and whining and looking for pity.

And then last night I added being spiteful and vindictive to that list, and I am not proud.

Convinced as I was that I needed some distraction, the first spiteful act was to call a friend of the party in question, also quite attractive but much more friendly, and make sure they were coming. The intent was to have him show up so I could flirt with him and thereby feel better about myself. That worked well enough for awhile, except that I kept telling other people about my plight with the first guy and mostly negating any positive effects.

When I noticed that the first party was interested in a friend of mine who is in a relationship, I pulled her aside and told her I liked the guy knowing full well she'd support me in that and curb her own flirtations. And it was pretty much a sure fire way of making him feeling shitty, and I'm not going to say that that didn't feel good.

That leads me to the point at which I started to feel badly about all of this and in the midst of a friendly game of gin rummy with the second guy, I blurted out that I liked his friend and inquired to whether or not I was wasting my time. I know the answer to that, no matter what he told me (which was basically 'go for it' but I definitely left some details out of that exchange), so why did I do that? I could be interested in this other guy, but I pretty much blew that. Sheesh.

I spent the rest of the evening sitting forlornly on a couch on the back patio of the party, moaning my stupidity and feeling generally sorry for myself. Ben was kind enough to put up with it and for that I am grateful. An arm around the shoulder can do wonders.

All this and the lesson I've learned? No angst under the influence. I want to go back to the Lorn that was fun and spontaneous at parties, not the nervous, sad sack wreck I've become. This is bloody ridiculous.

2007-03-14T15:08:00.000-06:00

two weeks. and counting

Before I go into trombone hermit mode for spring break, I just want to say a few things.

1. Tomorrow is Buddha Stew's 6th anniversary. 6 years! That be crazy, yo. My friends have had blogs come and go, but I guess I'm just stubborn and resistant enough to change to keep one blog alive for six years. Happy Birthday, BS! You've been good to me.

2. Tomorrow is also what I estimate to be Nikolai's 2nd birthday. Isn't it weird that we assign birthdays to cats? I don't even know for sure because he was found feral at about six weeks old. Anyway, he's two-ish. Look at the young fluffy!

And the big fluffy!

You've come a long way, baby.

3. Albuquerque is so exciting it's becoming distracting.

4. Monday nights at the Loophole always end up with some craziness. Is there something in the beer? In the Monday night air? Whatever it is...I always seem to have a story to tell the next day. But I can't tel you this story. It's too out of control. Maybe when you're older.

5. My new keyboard is awesome.

6. I got to be one of the lucky folks to check out a trial run of computer lab iPod nanos. Right now I'm going for most random selection of songs: The Arcade Fire's new album and the Malcolm Arnold Brass Quintet No 1.

7. Wooo. Off to practice.

2007-03-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

either you don't have the balls or you don't feel the same

Let's make a comparision, shall we? Let's compare MEN to BOYS.

In my estimation, a MAN interested in someone (let's say for the purposes of this post that it is a WOMAN) does not beat around the bush. He is friendly and attentive and makes a point to find out when he will see her next.

A BOY will, in contrast, tend to ignore and/or lead on the WOMAN whether or not he is interested.

A MAN, if he is not interested but knows the WOMAN is, will make sure that she knows he doesn't feel the same, and that he still respects her.

A BOY, if not interested, will refuse to touch the issue and let the WOMAN deal with her own resulting insecurities and disappointments on her own.

A MAN does not play games or hard to get.

Neither does this WOMAN, and I am sick of it. I don't want to play games. I want this to be straightfoward. I like you, you like me, let's get together and iron out the details. If you haven't realized yet that I'm pretty much the cat's fucking proverbial pajamas, well then either open your eyes or get out of my way. I know what I want, I'm a big kid. I've been shaped and molded by my experiences up to this point, will continue to be so, and will also continue to act and think accordingly. I am doing everything I do for a reason. There is room for negotiation, but you need to be honest with me about what you want. Please honor me with this one simple thing.

2007-03-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

even with all the idiot in the air, it's still a good day

Something's wrong with everyone today. It's like everyone's just daydreaming and losing track of where they are and what they are doing.

This girl wouldn't cross the street, even though all approaching cars were stopping for her, until I waved her across. She had the right of way, too.

At a four way stop, on my turn another car coming across decided to play chicken with me.

Going into rehearsal, I had to walk impatiently behind a woodwind who was slowly moving toward his seat while noodling on his instrument, taking his sweet time. I was carrying a trombone, a bag of mutes, a waterbottle and a folder, and there was no way of getting around him.

One of the percussionists knocked a snare drum off its stand and didn't pick it up. It just sat on the ground, fallen stand nearby, for the rest of rehearsal.

But, cases of the stupids aside, something nice has happened. Yesterday I checked my bank account to find that I had a large sum of money more than I was supposed to, thanks to a retroactive grant given to me by the state of Texas. I was also given a small music school scholarship for my work in the Chamber Institute. It's a lot of money, for me, and it saves my ass. A large chunk of it went to a credit card, a smaller chunk of the rest of it is going toward purchasing an electric piano so I can practice more efficiently at home. Shopping for that will happen this weekend. Yet a smaller piece is going toward giving my cats their annual checkup and shots, since I've been that off due to lack of funds and general good health of said cats. The rest of it will be saved and used wisely.

I don't like to think that money can make me happy, but I do know that not having to worry about money makes me feel like life is pretty good. Things that were stressful (ie hoping that I wouldn't have to rehearse too much with my pianist for my recital, since she is expensive and the pieces are difficult) are now less troublesome. Hopefully I don't catch any of the douchebaggery in the air today and blow it all a booze-sodden adventure to Las Vegas.

2007-03-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

i am all smiles
or
mike i'll teach you how to swim, if you turn the bad in me into good again

I played in departmental on Wednesday. One movement was really good, the other was almost a complete disaster. I can give you any of three opinions on the performance.

1. It was good mostly because most people didn't know the piece and thought it was just crazy. Which it is, but not that crazy.
2. It was not bad for a hard piece, and my professor thought I did the best I could for a first performance. There's a reason no one records this piece.
3. Oh. My. God. Why is performance so hard for me? Why do I get on stage and forget how to count? Arrrgh!!!

Anyway, I took the afternoon off, and yesterday only played trombone when I had to. Last night was the One O'Clock spring concert, which I was too wiped to sit through as I hadn't eaten all day, but I did make it to the after party.

Things from there were pretty much awesome.

So the conundrum is: A boy is shy. He knows I like him. I think he likes me. So shy! So shy it makes me shy again, and that is a long way back for me. But I'm not going to let this opportunity slip by without trying for it, so watch me go.

Today I am playing great and feeling even better.

And...

Albuquerque is a yes. I have a brass quintet!

2007-02-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

hurray! my first internet weirdo!

Here is what I know about my dirty-minded little internet stalker:

He or she lives in Calgary, Alberta, visits my website in the wee hours of the morning by accessing it from Day's page, and has an email address of lucsim@sympatico.ca. Do your worst, friendly internet readers!

See those little buttons down at the bottom of my archives? The Haloscan and Site Tracker ones? They ain't just for fun. They allow me enough information to put together a good idea of who is reading, where they are, and how I can get in touch with them whether they happen to be long lost friends or sad insomniac creeps.

Okay, wait, maybe it is fun.

2007-02-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

he's the greek god of why don't you read a fucking book

That title doesn't have much to do with my post. It's just one of the many hilarious lines Mandy Patinkin delivers on my new favorite show, Dead Like Me. I have a tremendous love for that man. Tremendous.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of filling out forms for recital and degree plan stuff, and starting to realize that, as early in the semester as it still seems, all of this is coming to a close faster than I think. I mean...after my recital I just have to do orals and take one more class in the summer. Does that seem fair? I feel like I should have to do some more academic work, if only for the reason that it would give me more time to take lessons and get better at trombone. I don't know. I'm tried of academic work but I'm not tired of trombone. I'm excited about my recital- it's not ready yet but it's close and soon I'll be at the point where I'm gunning to do it, and soon.

I was thinking back to something a trombonist I took a lesson with once said (and I know I blogged this, way back, but I can't find it right now), about how you have to live your life the way you want to play. Meaning...get out there and do it, and then do it on your horn, too.

I think I need some more of that in my life. Lately I've been getting more comments about 'letting go' and 'putting it out there', etc, etc., and I'm just annoyed enough by them to really let something rip and scare the shit out of everyone. I'm always a little scared of myself when I let go. Jean Grey/Phoenix style.

Okay, not that bad.

Anyway, I'm being shy and insecure about some romantic interest stuff, and little by little I'm starting to realize that I needn't be. Not that the other party involved likes me- this I don't know yet. But just that it's time to forget about the things I think everyone notices and start just going after what I want. There's not much of a point in whining about it anymore. And if it doesn't work...c'est la vie!

I'm smart, you know that? I'm smarter than the average bear. I like that about me. Oh, and I'm fucking hilarious.

2007-02-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

argargahahgargh

I've been so touchy and angry lately. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm starting to get into odd little moods where I don't feel like anyone is taking me seriously, like they think I'm being bossy or controlling about something. I don't even know if that's true. I'm just reacting that way to small jokes and jests I should take lightheartedly in the way they were meant.

I'm frustrated with myself for slacking on so many things: recital stuff, important graduation forms and processes, keeping in touch with people, financial woes, etc, etc, etc.

I'm frustrated with myself for the whole Valentine's Day 'getting laid' joke, which was only half a joke, because it made me seem sort of desperate and stupid in front of people who might otherwise think I am interesting.

I'm frustrated that I'm so torn about what to do in the fall, mostly because I'm not getting good feedback on it both from the professionals in my life and from the people that have a stake in where I end up.

I'm frustrated I don't have any money because I want these t-shirts. And a new computer. And a trip to NYC. And the ability to pay my bills without freaking out about them.

I'm frustrated y'all don't comment. I know I should comment more on other's blogs. I will do that.

I'm frustrated.

Yarrrgh.

2007-02-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

here i go again on my own

Yesterday was a crappy day...one of those bad music days. You know the drill: you're playing poorly, you're getting called on it, and you're started to feel like you don't have the talent, work ethic, or ambition to get anywhere in the music world. The only cure is to put the horn down, have a few beers and laugh with some friends. This too shall pass.

Thankfully, today it feels like spring is here, and it's warm and sunny. I'm getting anxious to plant my garden. I opened up the windows of my house and went for a run, the first run I've ever gotten actually hot on instead of just less cold, and made myself some delicious breakfast.

I woke up with a song in my head, and I didn't understand why or how it got to be there. The only explanation I can think of is that somewhere last night in between all the spontaneous outbursts of Journey songs this one either popped in or was referenced in some way.

So I googled it, and here is what I got. I don't think I've had anything ever make me feel this good. My favorite part is a toss up between the girl doing the splits between the hoods of two cars, or the crazy open mouth driving kiss.

Rocking out to Whitesnake is just one part of my feel-better plan. I parked today next to the world's largest truck, which had done the world's second worst parking job (the title still goes to this guy), and it just sort made me a little mischievious. So I left him or her a note with the words "enormous", "truck", "learn", "park", and "asshat".

It felt good.

I'm playing tonight in quintet at our tuba player's recital. One of the things that got me down yesterday was playing this piece (the notorious Ewald 1) for chamber departmental and getting criticism the whole time, so much more so than the rest of the group that I began to feel pretty weak. It kept running through my head how silly it was that I was struggling with certain quintet things in the Ewald when what I want to do professionally is quintet. I felt a bit like a joke. I know this is not the way to feel, that you take advice and you make it better on the basis of said advice, and move on to the next struggle...but I don't know. It just got me down this time.

So I'm hoping...no, I'm counting on tonight to go well. I need it to. I need to feel like music is inspiring and good and worth-while. I need to focus and drive forward.

Otherwise I'll end up in a bar everynight jamming out to 80s hair bands.

2007-02-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

musings on being home alone

Both my esteemed roommates are away this weekend, having travelled to San Antonio for the Texas Music Educators Association conference. If you know me at all, you know that having a place to myself once in a while is a big fat smile on my face. Don't get me wrong: these two roommates have been the least stressful I've ever had, and I don't know if that's because they're boys, or we're older, or things are just a little more relaxed than they were when the Cats and I were struggling through our daily routines and trying not to get on each other's nerves about things like dishes and clutter in the living room.

But still: Being home alone is a particular magic I've cherished ever since I was old enough and responsible enough for my parents to leave me for a few hours. It means lounging around in pjs with no one to criticize you, eating crackers and peanut butter while watching whatever trashy movie you're ashamed to own, and peeing with the bathroom door cracked open. It means I can secretly practice Guitar Hero without JH giving me crap about how I give him crap for playing it. It means I can clean up the kitchen and have it stay clean for more than a day. I can practice trombone late into the night or go out and party and bring people home for raucous afterbars or have a dinner party and sit around drinking wine and playing board games.

It be a perfect time to bring someone home to make out with...but I guess I should stop bothering you all with that particular whim of me. C'est la vie!

2007-02-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

one more thing

I can't forget...

Yesterday was an anniversary!

Hurray for Pepito the Scion xA!

2007-02-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

mood swingin'

Man, have I been moody today. If I had to present a description of my various mental and emotional states, it would look something like a movement of a Mahler symphony.

Symphony No. 1 "Monday the Twelfth" by Lorn
I. Crabby-Antagonistic-Elated and proud
II. Mildly anxious-Sweepingly exhilirated
III. Harried and overworked
IV. Simultaneously lonely and horny (A la tango)

I don't know if it was the weather (rainy, dreary), or just the fact that I was tired and overslept a little, but this morning I couldn't shake the desire to be cranky and resistant in quartet rehearsal. In general, I was having a hard time putting up with one person in the group in a way that wasn't really his fault, but got on my nerves nevertheless. It all sort of washed away after a compliment directed toward me on the part of our coach, and steadily my mood bettered until after my very productive lesson. Running around at errands and last minute details after that got me through to lab band rehearsal, where the presence of one or two attractive people suddenly reminded me of how much I'd like a hug that means something. All this brings us up to now, the point at which I go to the pool and even all these jumping moods out with a good hard swim. It's my first real night off in a solid week and I'm looking forward to laundry and quality practice time. Maybe a good night's sleep will ensure that tomorrow (sure to be a long and busy day already) I won't find myself in a constant imbalance of proper emotions.

(And I absolutely forbid myself to go to the Loophole tonight...absolutely.)

2007-02-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

so anyway...

There're some goals you should set and some you just shouldn't.

For example:
I want to get all of my recital music in my ear and under my fingers, as it were, before the end of February so I can spend the month of March polishing.

This is a good goal. This is a goal that is reasonable and easy to accomplish if I am diligent and work hard. This is a goal I will most likely keep.

Another example:
I want to get laid before Valentines Day.

This is a bad goal. This is a goal with the expectation of someone else's mutual interest in you, which may or may not be the case. This is a goal set up along the timeline of a holiday that generally makes lonely people feel sad to begin with, and adding an extra qualification and the prospect of intense disappointment. This is a goal I will not likely keep.

Monday night as usual I went to the Loophole for dollar drafts night, with every intention of being responsible and intelligent about how much I drank, how late I was out, etc. However. A few new people showed up right about the time I was thinking of leaving and that group included a person in whom I was somewhat interested. Said person was already intoxicated and quite friendly, leading me to believe that maybe I could get the ball rolling on my ill-fated resolution. I had no intention of sleeping with Party A that evening (I've learned my lesson about drunk sex), but I thought being chummy couldn't hurt. So I drank another beer and took a proferred shot of Jager (mistake number seven, or so, but probably the worst) and pretty much just caught a second wind. Bar time rolls around and I find myself at a friend's house with Party A, passing whiskey around the table and eating Pop Tarts and fried eggs, talking out my ass about stuff I usually only tell my closer friends.

When the next morning I sleep through half an hour of work (Oh $3 I could have earned! Oh precious!) and stumble through the rest of the day feeling like at any moment I might collapse in a pile of either tears or vomit or both, a realization starts to form in my mind. It doesn't solidify right away, however, because it's all I can do to process basic motor functions.

The next day, a beautiful, sunny, warm and spring-like day (which turned out to be a cruel joke when yesterday it all turned to foggy mist and cold north winds), I was feeling much better and expontentially more clear-headed and reasonable. It was then the realization of the day before began to take a coherent form, which was basically this: drinking because you want to hang out with someone is not necessarily a bad thing, but drinking too much and ignoring your own instincts just because you want to hang out with someone is a recipe for disaster. Not a big difference there, maybe, but subtle enough to count.

And then I realized that I wasn't really interested in this person. That although I've met some new and interesting people lately, no one has really managed to catch my eye and keep it. The older and wiser I get the more romantic and physical interest in someone I have tends toward the mutual. I am tired of chasing after people, of going out of my way, of being in a position of instability. I would like someone to take my interest and return it. I would like to see someone at a bar that I feel like hanging out with and have them return the favor by paying attention and engaging me in conversation. I would like to feel that I am desirable and entertaining and charming.

It's not so much to ask, really.

2007-02-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

updatalicious

Here is what's new, briefly, because I haven't got much time before I need to warm up/practice for my lesson and then spend the rest of the day completely booked. Hurray for being busy!

1. Masters Recital March 28th, 2007, 8pm. UNT Concert Hall, also starring my fabulous brass quintet!
2. Until that point, I am not going to be the party girl I have apparently morphed into in the last semester or so. I will go out, have a beer, go home and practice and go to bed at a reasonable hour. This is every night, except that I give myself one day on the weekend to stay out late and enjoy myself, in moderation.
3. Mildy addicted to running. I'm liking it a lot and this is pleasantly surprising.
4. For a while I had some crushes, some desires and some goals as per these things. I think I'm over it. Le sigh.
5. Food is delicious and sleeping is a beautiful thing.

2007-01-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

fooled you!

I know spent four years in Wisconsin, so I should know better, but the Californian in me is still fooled by a sunny, blue-skied day into thinking it is warm and nice outside.

North Texas wins again.

So today I am freezing in a light jacket and a t-shirt while all the smarter people of the area put on their brisk weather coats and wear hats. At least I had the good sense to wear socks and shoes despite being tempted to just go out in flip-flops.

*#*&@$!~(*! Texas.

2007-01-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

renewals, revivals, and angst in other people's names

You ever have those times, every now again, where you feel generally unattractive and low- for no particular reason other than maybe you're just lonely and sometimes it's hard to get someone to like you in the way you'd like to be liked at just that moment?

I have been feeling that way for a while. It's nothing serious, just a sort of general slump that's a mixture of not having met anyone new that I'm interested in and of watching other people get to hook up and enjoy new company. I think maybe I'm kind of into a few people, but I'm not sure and I'm too apathetic about it to really chase any of them down and see what happens. It's been nice not to be obsessive or neurotic or even just lonely for someone in particular. It's like a little vacation from angst.

Which is why I've sort of let it go and just tried to enjoy myself when I'm out. I'm finding, as I think said earlier, that my wider crowd of people this year is helping me to be more of a social butterfly in some ways. I get to talk to different kinds of people and have all kind of conversations, and that in itself is practice for the next new conversation, and so on and so forth. In any case I know how to be by myself emotionally and I'm not stressing out about it as I might have five years ago. Maturity is a nice thing!

I've definitely been feeling the angst for other people though. People I care about and people I watch curiously from a distance. Living vicariously, I guess you could call it. Maybe that's not as interesting as my own personal dramatics, but oh well. Healthier this way, maybe.

And there's a little bit of pleasure in the thought that maybe something big is around the corner, that maybe I'll get a spark of something new soon after this dry spell- whether it be a spark of inspiration (which I could use, the closer I get to my recital), or a spark of interest, or a spark of intelligence. Something new and something exciting.

That, or Team Impact turns out to be everything I've ever hoped and I give up everything for a life devoted to Jesus kitsch and body builders.

2007-01-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

volution

1. My crowd of friends is changing, ever so slightly. It now includes more jazz folks and many fewer trombonists. It's also sprinkled with people I've met at work. I miss some of the kids that used to frequent our house more often, or run more reliably in the same circles, but now I get newer perspectives and more social contact with the 'outside world', which makes me feel more well-rounded and complete. I am liking it. More philosophical thoughts on this at a later date.

2. Maybe it's time to admit this outloud: Hello, world, I would like someone to love me. Soon.

evolution

Sometime about a month ago, some fashion decision was collectively made by the skinny legged, narrowed hipped girls of the world to start tucking their jeans into their boots. Number One: You look stupid. Number Two: I cannot even begin to think of imitating that or everyone will think that I am a pear in boots.

revolution

1. The desire for it to be spring hit me earlier this morning. It's time to be wearing light skirts and fighting the urge to frolic in the park instead of going to practice. It's time for long bike rides and flowers and barbeques.

2. To Albuquerque or not to Albuquerque? That is the question at hand.

2007-01-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

tim-ber!

Last night in a flurry of drunken text messages that tested the strength of his phone's T9 capabilities ("I am infacrisidated!" later: "i mean inebriated!"), my good friend Tim informed me that he was going to be in Dallas today and tomorrow.

Timberly!

Excitement all around. The Greek restaurant? Beer? Hurray!

Anyway, in the meantime I am biking around town enjoying this beautiful day, the first in about a week and a half. This is rare for North Texas, as I will say that we get more than our share of beautiful sunny days in this traditionally sunny-day offseason. A week of snow, ice, rain and hail made me think I was back in Wisconsin for the winter.

Maybe the sunny day will make me feel better about how little I give a shit about school right now. Here's hoping!

2007-01-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

snown'd!

Ah, winter in North Texas. No one knows exactly what is going on, except that it's pretty much the same as most of fall, until one day it gets icy and then two days later it snows.

And all hell breaks lose.

Seriously, there ehn't more than half a milimeter of snow on the ground and school is cancelled. The roads are wet, not snowy, and it stopped flaking about two hours ago.

And yet.

This doesn't make me any more ready to get my ass in gear for the spring semester, let me tell you. Instead I get a whole extra day of sitting around in my bathrobe, pestering my kitties for warmth, and feeling like vacation is the only mentality I'm in the mood for...for the rest of my life.

But I have a lesson at 5 and I need to practice, so maybe I'll shape up.

Still, this place is ridonkulous. I remember walking to school at UW in snow and ice and sleet (uphill, both ways, barefoot) and no one batting an eye. I used to ride my friggin bike in this shit.

Well, my neighbors are having fun, dragging their kid around on a sled attached to a dune buggy.

2007-01-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

this never gets any easier

Day one of the spring semester, and I'm already unhappy with most of it.

Also, it occurs to me that drinking may be bad for you. Who would have thought?

The hardest thing I'm going to write here is this: Little Sue, the kitten rescued from the gutter outside my house, got extremely sick, sick beyond the financial means of myself or the friend that ended up taking her in, and was put to sleep on Sunday night. It was either FIV or diabetes, and there wasn't much we could do but make her comfortable. I take comfort in that she had a warm home and someone to hug her instead of living a life outside and hungry, but I feel terrible. I wish there was more I could have done.

Sue, I miss you, and I hope you are happier now where you are. You helped me appreciate what I have with Nik and Gatsby, and I love them more everyday because of it. The comfort of a kitty...that is something difficult to deal without.

Stuff for the concert competition is not going so well. The top t-bone choir audition piece is difficult, but not impossible, but I'm having trouble getting my head wrapped around being back in the swing of things. I have a lesson tomorrow and I'm sort of afraid of getting my ass kicked for various stupid things I've done lately.

I did have my first Wind Symphony rehearsal today, and that was fun. It's nice to be back in a large ensemble, doing the good stuff.

I'm going to play in the 6 O'Clock band because the director is bad-ass and I can pick my part (3rd tenor or 4th bass). I guess that'll be cool. I need the tenor experience so that's what I'll probably end up doing.

Regarding what I said below about not having cried in a while...well, it might be nice too, actually. It would make me feel a little better for being a general dumbfuck and asshat. I just don't think I can do it.

Meh. That's about it. Meh.

2007-01-16T15:05:00.000-07:00

a meme-as requested by day

5 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Me (drumroll please)

1. I haven't cried about anything in about eight months or so, that I can remember. This includes some rough territory: breakups, fucked-up love affairs, a shitty fall semester, and death. I think it's not that I'm holding it back or that I'm not feeling as emotional about things as I used to, but instead that my penchant for angst and drama is lessening. It takes a fair amount to get me worked up and I'm in better balance overall.
2. I really like the smell of chlorine water, especially on myself if I've been swimming.
3. I have recently learned to love the avocado. A lot.
4. I want an old, small, crowded house with lots of trees surrounding it, in place that gets real live winter, and I want to be able to sit looking out a window with a cat on my lap and books and books waiting to be read.
5. Lately I have been very attracted to sort of rugged, intense guys, like Luke from Gilmore Girls. Which is weird mainly because I have a fierce opposition to the feel of stubble on my skin.

2007-01-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

rounding it up at the unt library

I've been on campus all this week working at the Murch, painting the rehearsal room and, as of this morning, participating in a fruitless attempt to move the seating element of the opera theatre to a different storage space. It's me, making money, and being happy that on top of making money I also received my financial aid deposit. So happy in fact that I resisted the urge to buy a new computer with it and instead paid off one of my credit cards. Now that does feel good.

So, I am still computerless, but I have goals for this semester. The first one is: Save up some money. To do this I am applying to work in the box office, and that gives me a raise and more hours. I am also planning on going through my possessions and selling whatever I can, including a old trombone, a flute, and various electronics. The second goal is: Use that money to get a computer and a plane ticket to see Day in New York.

A roundup of my semester as it stands looks like this:
M: Chamber Class 4:30?
T: Wind Symphony 1-4
W: Departmental 12, Lesson 4, Chamber 5:45?
R: WS 1-4
F: Sleep/Practice: All day

So, until I fill in work schedules and rehearsals, it's wide open for masters recital practice.

I'm not teaching, which shouldn't come as a surprise, unless I can get a fair amount of students at a school reasonably close by. I'm hoping to gig more and get some experience in organizing a chamber group- this will be my last semester to do so before I have to do it for real, and I need some experience with marketing and publicity. That's another goal for this semester.

I'm trying to get all of this in my head because, right now, I don't want to go back to school just yet. Last semester kicked my ass, and I'm not ready to put forth effort and be a hard worker again. I'm planning on doing the UNT concerto competition, but the prelims are next Thursday and I've barely kept in shape this break, although I do already know my concerto well enough to do fine. Still...it's the kind of thing I'd like to rock out on and I need my head to get wrapped around it sooner rather than later. There's some other competitions out there, TMTA for one, that I'd like to do, and maybe there'll be some more money in it for me.

This weekend, then, is going to be the time to get all the good, fun stuff out of the way. Ben got back into town on Tuesday and we promptly went out and had a hell of a time at the bars on the square followed by a short pilgrimage to Cool Beans on Fry Street, which has been served its eviction papers along with, *tear*, the Tomato. Goodbye unique campus street, hello commercialism and conformity. Tonight is celebrations for Chuck's birthday, tomorrow there's a trip to Dallas in the works (I noticed today that when a UNTer refers to 'going to Dallas', he or she is generally only referring to Oaklawn, the gayborhood, because that's the only place worth going in Dallas).

I'm tired and full of pancakes.

Peace out.

2007-01-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

picture this

There are some new pictures on the photoblog, favorites from the last three weeks. I hope you enjoy them!

2007-01-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

remember the alamo-dome

Kristopher and I made our first visit to San Antonio this weekend, to see what was up with this city down south. We had two free nights stay with a friend of his mother's, avoiding for the most part too much contact with her exceedingly annoying, officious boyfriend. In the dictionary, under 'tool', there is a picture of him.

At any rate, we saw the sights: the Riverwalk (which had no water in it on Friday but on Saturday miraculously was full again), the Alamo, the Botanical Gardens, the...uh, well, that's it really. All in all, it was quite fun. We got drunk in the afternoon off of a pitcher of margarita, ate pizza rowdily outside in the middle of nowhere near New Braunfels (which the Tool kept calling 'New Brunsfeld'), walked everywhere, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. On our way back to Denton we stopped in Austin, for lunch at the Cosmic Cafe, of course, and wandered around the capitol building. I give San Antonio a thumbs up in the way of cities, but Austin still wins my vote for best Texas town.

2007-01-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

and i'm back (BACK!), back on the streets again

Just a little T.O.P. to get your new year goin'.

And a little "back in the little-D" recap. P and A's wedding, very beautiful. Running: still going well. I ran two miles with Gabe on Sunday and today I am hoping for two and a half.

I'm still computerless so I'm at the library where the guy to my right keeps sighing and muttering about whatever he's reading, as if he really wants me to lean over and ask him what's so interesting/frustrating/fascinating. Ah, the library. Along with the fact that I have to poop again, some things never change.

New Years. Holy Shit. Started out the night at Gabe's, went out to Lucky Lou's with Jason and Chuck and Jon, acheived that rare state of intoxication in which I can say and do anything without the luxury of inhibitions, and ended up fast asleep in a sort of comprimising and highly embarrassing place with unique company. Clothes on. No suspect sexual activity. Just...sheesh. Pictures will be up...maybe. I might make up for my lack of shame and just be shy about them for the rest of my life.

Now, I have 15 days of freedom in which to do whatever I please. This weekend I will probably go down to San Antonio with Kristopher, I've never been there and I'd like to check it out. If you have any suggestions, let me know. Waiting patiently for Ben to get back so I can drag him around with me again and talk his ear off.

And...I'm off to the bathroom.

2006-12-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

goals, ambitions, crazy stunts...just in time for new years!

Okay, take a deep breath. I'm about to tell you something you're not going to believe. Are you sitting down? Here's a fan. Let me prop your feet up. Ready? Got your heart medication? An inhaler? No, seriously.

I went running tonight. On my own volition.

Crowd check. Is everyone still breathing? No pain in the arms or chest? Wait...this man has overgasped! Call a medic!

I have a little germ of an idea in the back of my head about someday participating in a triathlon. I'm a great swimmer, I like to bike, but the only problem is I just can't run. Or can't stand it. I don't know. What I'm figuring is, this can be my challenge this year. Overcome the fear of running, and get a great ass in the bargain! I know, I know, it's already great. Well, perfection can always use a little spit and polish, don't you think? (This is the point where I fiercely deny any allegations that I am doing this to be skinnier. That is just not a feminist notion and you just forget it!)

So what better night than the one that happens to unleash a typhoon upon north Texas to start? I couldn't come up with a good reason, either, other then that sometimes I get it in my head to do something and I don't go through the pros and cons first. Pro: I want to. Con: Too late, already doing it.

The plan in my head was to jog to K's house, water his plants, stretch a little, and head back. It's about 3/4 of a mile, maybe, each way.

I made it. Both trips. All the way.

I'm sure there were various nocturnal snails and slugs going faster than me, but that doesn't matter. Heart rate, up!

My hips hurt. And I'm not sure I should be running in shoes three years old and falling apart. I've got that weird shallow breathing thing going and I'm soaked through.

But I knew I was going to like it when I gave myself a goal on the way back: get to the end of this block, and walk the last block home - and then I disregarded it. That's about when I started laughing, and I'm pretty sure I went a little crazy.

Tomorrow could very well be a day of pain.

I'll take tips and tricks. And new shoes.

2006-12-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

as usual, i am behind on the times. can i still be tragically hip?

Because it is a season of giving, this is the only time of year that I manage to finagle new music for my collection. I spend all year pining after new releases and old favorites and make little lists in my head about what I will get when my parents give me some money to go out and buy stocking stuffers for the three of us.

Yes, I know everyone has an iPod now. Screw you. Us poor folks are still cool enough to hang on desperately to our rapidly outdating traditional media.

Anyway, A Review, by Lorn.

Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins: Rabbit Fur Coat

You must own this record in some form or another. Please. Do it for the kids. And the polar bears. And the ozone layer.

I like it when lyrics make me crack a smile and laugh a little, not because they are particularly hilarious, but because they are delightful. Jenny Lewis frequently does this to me, especially in her capacity as the kick-ass frontwoman for Rilo Kiley.

This one got me today:

If I run uphill I'm out of breath
If I spend all of my money I've got no money left
If I place all of my chips on only one bet
I'm all in

And it's a surefire bet I'm gonna die
So I'm taking up praying on Sunday nights
And it's not that I believe in your almighty
But I might as well as insurance or bail
-from The Charging Sky

Go get it. It'll make you feel introspective and silly and sexy and mysterious. It will make you walk down the aisles of Trader Joe's whistling the slow, silky tune of "Happy" and cause cute boys to stop and stare at the fascinating woman in their midst. And world peace. There will be world peace.

2006-12-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

friday random ten, 'my music is so eclectic' edition

Haven't been able to do this in a while, but since I've secretly stored up a fair amount of music on my parent's computer...

Fire up your mp3 player of choice
Hit random
Document the first ten songs

1. Sweet Jane - Cowboy Junkies
2. All Lifestyles - Beastie Boys
3. Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL - Sufjan Stevens
4. Minha Voz, Minha Vida - Caetano Veloso
5. Making a Killing - Phantom Planet
6. Dance of the Young Girls from Rite of Spring - Stravinksy/LSO
7. In the Garage - Weezer
8. The Happy Birthday Song - Andrew Bird
9. In diesem Wetter, in diesem Braus from Kindertotenlieder - Mahler/Berlin
10. Jackson Cannery - Ben Folds Five

2006-12-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

new and improved lorn!

Now with better vision and clean teeth!

Some observations, since I've been all Listy McBulletpoints lately:

-Having my teeth cleaned is the same kind of nice, in a strange and slightly creepy way, as having someone with long fingernails wash your hair. That's the one thing I miss about going to have my hair cut as opposed to doing it myself. Besides the professional, not fucked-up haircut, of course.
-I was worried to go to the dentist, since I've not been in a long time. I was worried to go to the optometrist because I haven't been in a long time. I get worried about going to hmm, let's say a lady-parts exam because I haven't been in a long time. The longer a time it gets to be, the less I want to go because I'm afraid of what they might say or might find. This is extremely silly and neurotic and I should really get that looked at. But it's been a long time, so...
-My optometrist is awesome because he is completely aware and sensitive to my weird left eye issues. And he cleared something up about why I have weird left eye issues, which is another post entirely.
-Did I mention that my optometrist looks like Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips and since I'm inexplicably and irreversibly attracted to Wayne, I am therefore a little crazy in love with my optometrist? Is that weird? That's weird.
-My teeth are perfect except for one small spot that needs sealant. See? I'm a bad-ass.
-They are so smooth now my tongue just slides right off of them. Shiny teeth! Clean!
-I'm hungry but I don't want to eat and spoil the clean. I guess that means it's time to do some holiday shopping.

2006-12-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

surprise, it's sunny!

Back home in SD for about ten days for the holidays. Today's already been a bust in terms of California appreciation, but that's my fault for staying up all night at C's work Christmas party, which started out annoying, was sort of frustrating in the middle, and ended up a fun learning experience.

For instance, a scenario: That cute boy or girl you like? In a relationship. Le sigh. But guess what? The SO is pretty much the raddest person on the planet and you can't resist the urge to gather both of them up in a bear hug and tell them you love them. With kisses.

San Diego is sharp and bright and clean, beautiful and unique. It makes Denton seem like the drabbest, shabbiest place on the planet, which it may very be.

The internet is fast here at home, but my parent's new LCD monitor is too big and makes my eyes water. Death by large text font!

The Daily Show. I can watch the Daily Show tonight.

Tomorrow I have a long-overdue optometrist appointment. Thursday I have a long-overdue dentist appointment.

Yes, I will play my trombone. I promise. Projected degree recital date: March 31st. Save the date!

2006-12-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

the thing about libraries

Remember when I used to live in Plano, and my douchebag roommate (not you of course, jChris, but that asshat you left me with) would randomly decide we didn't need the internet anymore? And so I'd walk to the library, a good two miles or so each way, listening to whatever sad indie music I'd found that month to lessen my all-encompassing loneliness (usually The Shins or Elliot Smith), and put up with the various sides of humanity that frequent a public library.

I'd forgotten. Using the internet at a public library is an exercise in patience.

Let's see. There's this lady with a baby, and the baby's alternating screaming and giggling with pounding loudly on the countertop. Oh christ, now he's doing both at the same time.

Also, in timely fashion as usual, my need to use the bathroom for twosies (thank you, Zach Braff...marry me) has asserted itself, a near unavoidable consequence of any visit of mine to a library or bookstore.

And there's the fact the each page just takes ever so slightly more time to load than you think it should, or it doesn't load at all until you refresh it three times.

The guy next to me is laughing at something. Uncontrollably.

OH MY GOD IT IS SO COLD IN HERE WHY THE HELL IS THE AC ON SO HIGH!!?!?

I'd love to continue with this line of thought...but I'm freezing and I have to poop.

2006-12-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

i guess i'd call that good timing...

I think my computer has finally shit the bed. Good ol' Speedy Gonzales, the computer I got for free from Jerry two years ago (although in no universe should you even begin to think it's only two years old at this point), has decided it will no longer turn on. Push the start button...zippo. Just sort of an "uhnnnnrrrrr....no" and then nothing, a black screen.

And after all the love and care I took updating it from Windows 98 to XP, increasing its memory, polishing its clunky 90s laptop curves?

But seriously, it put in a good fight, and thankfully it waited until after my two research papers were due to throw in the towel, as if sending me a last, "you go on without me...save yourself!" The problem is now the fact that, having no money, I have not the werewithal to acquire myself a replacement. I suppose it's never been entirely necessary that I have my own computer, seeing as how the UNT computer labs are fast and shiny AND have Finale software already installed, and I can do most of my work there and save it to disc or flash drive. But lately I've been having dreams of mp3 players and playlists and mixed CDs as holiday presents, and you can't very well do those things without a fast computer.

I guess I'll just have to wait. I know AKGPT* Day is coming, but I've sort of worn out my parents' gift-giving agenda this year already, what with...the new car and the inability to pay rent and, oh, the new glasses and contacts coming my way. I already feel badly enough as it is relying on my parents to save my ass in financial matters, and I sure as hell can't put anything else on my credit card.

So for now I must pine, and burn, and cherish the Macs that dance enticingly in my head, and instead truck my ass off to the library down the road whose web browser system makes my blog site look like complete crap and wonder...just how long will this go on?

*Atheist Kids Get Presents, Too

2006-12-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

it is sweet. swee-eet.

I am 7 pages away from packing up the semester for good. 7 measely pages.

In the meantime, here's an overview of what I learned this semester:

1. Single is good, and a lot more fun.
2. Sex is serious business and you shouldn't mess around with it unless you want to get burned.
3. Drinking is best done in stages and slowly.
4. Acting like a bad-ass because of bad-ass things that you've worked for have pulled through can often mean that bad-ass things will continue to happen. Because you are a bad-ass.
5. Watch your party's tip jar. Don't ever let it go.
6. Trombone is all about confidence.
7. Enjoy the moment. Embrace the future.

2006-12-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

the one in which i am a bad-ass

Let me just say, I am feeling like a rock star today. There are a couple of reasons, but let me get to them in order.

In the realm of trombone, I am a bad-ass for two reasons.
1. My jury was the best I've ever played for the faculty, and I've never felt so relaxed and confident playing with piano. It was a taste of what it must be like to be completely a professional player, and just do what you've trained to do instead of worrying about the little details.
2. I auditioned for and won a spot in the prestigious and world-renowned UNT Wind Symphony. Wooo! Prestigious and world-renowned!
I found about this yesterday, but I was pretty sure I got it on Wednesday when the director was extra friendly to me after I played for him. This led to two nights of celebrating...and tonight is our big party. Which leads me to...

In the realm of social activity, I am a bad-ass for a two-part reason.
1a. As a trombonist (well, hell- as a musician in general) I feel part of my training is in going out and living it up a little, or a lot, whichever is called for by the situation, and still managing to pull off all standing obligations with grace and responsibility. I am good at this.
1b. Confidence in my playing ability and general capability allows me to be more social and free-spirited, which makes for more fun and interesting situations.

In the realm of academics, I am a bad-ass for two reasons.
1. In my MUET class, I scored extra points for bringing up Foucault in the context of my paper presentation, and I managed to look completely knowledgable and intelligent on the subject of mbira music's role in the Zimbabwean revolutionary movement of the 1970s.
2. I aced my take-home test for my history class.

And I got the next issue of Y: The Last Man from the library, on top of being on a total "rock out to Radiohead" kick, on top of getting some long over-due money from students, on top of being excited to go home in a week and a half...

The semester, she has redeemed herself.

2006-12-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

let me make this clear to you- i am not a lush

Christ.

I don't know what this winter break is going to be like, but if the lessening of responsibilities and the greater concentration of free time that I have now is any indication, I may very well be in the running for a new liver. Probably gonna need some exercise as well.

Case in point: Last night I went to a coffee shop to study and read for class, and ended up at a bar selling $1 Shiner Bock and listening to live jazz. Nothing wrong with that in concept, of course...only that it was Monday night and I did have work to be doing.

Fueling my adventures of late has been the fun I have been having with a new friend, Ben, who's pretty much the coolest thing since sliced bread since he lets me get drunk and talk his ear off with stories that lead nowhere and teach nothing. I got pretty sappy on him last night, telling him he was the highlight of my semester. Well, that's true anyway.

On top of this, it's nice to be free of emotionally and psychological commitments to people who don't give a damn, and to not have anyone lined up in the queue for my affections (not that that line's ever very long to begin with). It's much better to just relax and be able to have fun with friends, rather than thinking about who you could be with all the damn time.

In the meantime, I'm winding down on work I have to do. Tomorrow is my jury, and I'm also auditioning for the top wind group here, but I'm not sweating that too much...I'm feeling confident about most of my playing and the parts I'm not so hot at...well, mostly it's just the high notes, and I've learned not to stress out about that.

And Friday, we party. If you are around, you must come. It will be THE EVENT OF THE CENTURY. I can say no more.

2006-11-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

the continuing adventures of "one thing at a time, dammit!" girl

It's so close to vacation, that blissful, two month-long, sweet jesus I love it vacation of winter break, that I've reverted into full on procrastination and poor time management mode.

And I used to be so good at keeping all my shit together all the time!

So, all weekend the idea was, 'finish Africa presentation for class on Tuesday.'

Big Fat Check off the list.

Now, it's 'practice ass off for rehearsal with pianist and lesson on Thursday', after which point it'll be 'read like crazy for Baroque Music History on Tuesday', after which it'll be 'don't fold in jury/cram for tune jury on Wednesday', after which it will be 'frantically write history paper' after which it'll be 'frantically study for history final' after which it'll be 'leisurely write Africa paper since most of the work was done for presentation' after which I will collapse in an alcohol haze on the kitchen floor of my house.

It's sort of like Tetris. You only get one block at a time, but you're all the way at the top of the screen and everything's coming faster and faster. Where's that long one gonna go? Oops! Coulda had a row there!

Christ Crackers. This has been one hell of a busy semester, and I'm friggen ready for it to be the sweet, sweet end.

2006-11-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

that's okay...it'll grow out, right?

For those of you who don't see me in person on a regular basis, you might not know that I cut my own hair. I started doing this while still dating C, and watching him cut his hair I often thought, 'I could totally do this.' The first time was very hard and I know I had to have him fix the back after I fucked it up (I may have quoted Fry from Futurama: "Fix it fix it fix it fix itfixitfixitfixit!!!").

Since then I've gotten varying degrees of better at cutting different parts of my hair, although each time something never seems to go just quite right. One time I'll do a great job on the back, but square off the sides so much I look like I should be one of the boys on the Cosby show, the next time I'll do an awesome job on my bangs but chop a healthy triangle out of my neckline. Regardless, my efforts to leave it somewhat longish and full usually fail because I end up having to overcorrect so much it gets shorter and shorter with each fix.

I've been lazy lately, and even though I needed a haircut rather badly, I put it off because I was toying with the idea of growing my hair out. Nevertheless, the little trailers in my ears and the encroaching threat of mullet prompted me to finally pull out the scissors and go to work this morning.

Being as growing short hair out entails allowing the hair on top to catch up in level with the hair on the bottom, I was trying to keep away from cutting too much of the floppy mess on the top of my head. Which meant that I sort of overcompensated with the sides and the neckline, leaving myself with both the aforementioned Cosby show hairtower and the choppy line on the nape of my neck. I also mananged to cut my bangs a little too short and straight, giving the overall effect of having put a bowl on my head and trimmed around it.

Yeah, it probably doesn't look that bad...and I'm used to the first two weeks or so post self-managling being a little awkward. After all, it's hair, and it grows, and it tends to correct itself if you've managed to doing anything atrocious to it. And anyway, I could be paying someone to give me a bad haircut, instead of giving myself one for free!

In the meantime, it's 'growing out' season, which means at some point I'll look like Prince Valiant again, and then you are more than welcome to mock me with reckless abandon.

2006-11-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

recipe meme

Inspired by Clara de Corno's delicious-looking eggplant recipes, and her call for more recipes to be posted, here is a little taste of what I ate this T-giving, plus a little extra.

Dad's Chili

This is my dad's excellent creation, and I think I managed to pull it off fairly admirably. Tip: Don't be stingy with the tomato soup. A lot of it boils off.

Ingredients:
1 onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped and then mashed
kidney beans (pre-cooked)
tomato soup (2-4 cans, depending on batch size)
curry powder
cumin
salt
black pepper
elbow macaroni

Directions:
Combine the soup, onion, and garlic in a big pot and heat. Slowly add spices until to your taste, and then add kidney beans and pasta. Simmer for 10-15 minutes until cooked, stirring frequently to avoid burn on the bottom of the pot. Serve with crackers and extra chili powder for the really bold!

Spanish Tortilla

I stole this from Kristopher and now I can't stop making it. It's easy and delicious and you can experiment with it easily.

Ingredients:
1 large onion, diced
3 large potatoes, or the equivalent (since I usually get organic potatoes and they are a little smaller, I have to use about 5 or 6), peeled and scalloped (see below)
3 eggs
cooking oil
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
The potatoes should be cut in half lengthwise and then into smaller pieces by holding the halves together and going along the length.
Heat in a large saucepan enough oil to cover the onion pieces entirely, add onion and simmer, then add potatoes, stir and cover. Cook until the potatoes are soft enough to pierce with fork, and then remove from heat and drain the oil.
Beat the eggs in a large mixing bowl and stir in onion and potato.
Pour back into saucepan and shape into circle, cook on both sides (the flipping is the hard part- be careful!) until brown, and serve with salt and pepper.

Cinnamon-Apple French Toast (vegan)

From the magazine Vegetarian Times...this is pretty much my favorite thing in the world right now.

Ingredients:
For the apple topping-
4 large tart, firm apples, peeled, cored and sliced (I prefer Granny Smith)
3 tbs sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp lemon juice

For the toast-
2 cups plain or vanilla soy milk
1/2 cup apple butter (any kind of jelly works as well)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
12 slices soft-crust French bread, sliced 1/2 inch thick

Directions:
Coat skillet with cooking spray or butter, heat. Saute apples until softened (5-7 mins), reduce heat to medium. Add sugar and cinnamon and cook 5-10 minutes until tender, add lemon juice and remove from heat.
Blend soymilk, apple butter, vanilla, cinnamon and salt by hand or in blender until smooth.
Cook toast by coating in batter and frying both sides until brown. Serve topped with apple topping.

Cinnamon-Cranberry-Orange Sauce

From Central Market. I picked this up yesterday next to the cranberries and couldn't resist. It's sex in sauce form.

Ingredients:
8 oz cranberries, fresh or frozen
1 orange: juiced, with the zest cut into strips (as far as I could tell, this means: cut off the zest, slice it, and then juice the orange. You just need the zest and the juice)
1/2 cup sugar
1 cinnamon stick

Directions:
Put everything in saucepan and heat on medium until cranberries burst and sauce thickens (15-20 minutes). Serve at room temp, or cool and refrigerate.

Mom's Pumpkin Raisin Bars

Oh man. My mom would make these in the fall and then ship them off to me at college, but I loved them so much I couldn't wait that long, so I got the recipe and now I make them myself. I'm still waiting for my package from mom, though...

Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup cooked, pureed pumpkin (fresh or canned)
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 cup golden raisins
1 cup chopped walnuts

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350. Cream butter and sugar until fluffy; add pumpkin, egg and vanilla and mix well. Combine flour, b. powder, b. soda, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg in a separate bowl, and stir gradually into butter mixture until well blended. Add nuts and raisins. I make these as bars in a cakepan, because I'm from the midwest and we're all about bars...but you can make them as cookies as well if you're so inclined. Cook from 14-15 minutes until golden. Good with or without frosting.

Yum! I'm hungry again.

2006-11-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

too much fun

It has been a pretty awesome, random week so far, and it only promises more entertainment in the future.

Saturday I went with a group of people to the last football game at UNT, and we tailgated. We never actually made it to the game, and instead wound up climbing on top of one of the practice buildings and throwing shit around. I lost hardcore at speed quarters later in the evening and wound up asleep on KC's couch.

Tuesday I worked at the One O'Clock Lab Band concert (featuring Wayne Bergeron...Christ Crackers!) and went to the reception afterward at which they were practically throwing beer at people. Not that you have to, at a jazzer party. Gabe and I stopped in at Sweetwater to say hello to our bosses and managed to stay for some more pitchers, all of which were paid for at the end of the evening by the big bosses. And then...the party, at which a very hammered Wayne totally checked out my breasts. Jason and I ended up leaving at about 5:30 in the morning after we'd cashed the alcohol, and since he drove me home and needed to drop me off at my car the next day before departmental, I woke up to his smiling face next to me in bed saying "hey baby, time to get up now."

And last night, C and I cooked up enough food for a small army, ate what we could, watched The Shining and then played Soul Caliber II. After a short adventure to some random party, I joined my friend BW back at my house and we drank and talked until 6:30 in the morning...so that logs in a good 14 hours of drinking for that round, making the total about 30 hours for the week. Man, if only I could get paid for that!

I think last night was my favorite. I haven't managed to stay up that late talking in a long time, and it's even more fun when it's a new friend you're just getting to know. It's the sort of thing I need more of in my life, and I'm thankful for it when it happens.

There's your t-day cheese from me! heh!

2006-11-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

hold on to your hats, people...it's a CUTE-OFF

Today in the Buddha Stew Stadium, Round 1 of the first annual Cute-off. Today's contestants: Lorn's The Gray Gatsby aka "The Love Warrior" aka "Mr Fat" aka "Hi, I'm Gatsby!" vs. Day's The Kitty!

Gatsby is totally going to win. This picture says "Cuddle me" all over it and we know you can't resist!

See Day's blog for the rebuttal!

2006-11-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

and then i make a vow not to get emotionally entangled in anything

Let me tell you, it is so much easier to focus on school and work and so on when you're not stressing out about how someone else feels or thinks about you. Now I remember why I like being single and intending to stay that way- because you're not out to impress anyone else but yourself. And you can just hang out and jill off if you want to.

So, I hereby promise myself that I will not actively look for someone else to crush on, be infatuated with, or otherwise donate emotional time and stress toward, until such point as I see fit to allow myself a little romantic playtime.

D'ya hear that, me? I mean it this time.

2006-11-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

in which i vow to be productive this thanksgiving break

Things are winding down for the semester, and especially winding down this week as everyone takes off to their various T-giving break destinations. I am not going anywhere, which is absolutely fine by me! Not going anywhere means I get to spend time in my house, cleaning, cooking, and just in general relaxing. I also have some papers to get started writing (one in particular I plan to have done by the end of the weekend) and lots of practicing to do. I am promising myself right now that I will not let the freedom of having no obligations lull me into a coma of beer and movies this weekend.

I will write that paper! I will clean my bathroom! I will polish my jury piece! I will finish learning my tunes for JK! I will still do all these things plus sleep in a lot!

Thursday Chuck and I are planning a gathering for those in town- food! And lots of it. So you are invited if you are in Denton.

Since I can count on one hand the number of things left to do this semester, I am geting a little antsy and lazy. I am hoping I can keep my shit together long enough to finish this semester at least as strong as I started it, and then take a well-deserved break from reality in sunny San Diego. I can do this. I can make it.

2006-11-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

bandwagon? what? i'm just sitting here all by myself on the roadside

You ever get the feeling that someone is about to or has in someway been a tremendous asshole to you, and when you find out in what particular way you don't feel any better for knowing you were right about that person?

What if that also makes you feel like giving up, for a little while, or at least until you can be someplace else or meet someone new, on trying to get close to or care about anyone?

What if it's hard to focus on anything else, what for the anger and the sadness that consumes you?

What if you just don't want to try anymore? What about a break from reality or a vacation from the everyday? What about rest?

2006-11-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

all dressed up...

Having recovered from my minor plague this week and feeling like going out, I find myself again alone in my house, wondering what to do. Last week when this happened no one called me back and I ended up going to bed (which was alright because I was just getting sick). I find myself in a weird state: I want to hang out, but not with anyone I can think of. I don't know. I miss the relaxed, silly, chill hangouts from Madison, where we'd either drink or not, it didn't matter, and maybe play some naughty Madlibs or Scattergories and laugh our asses off.

Seems like at UNT hanging out can be such an intense thing...spontaneous and fun, sure, but there's something about it that's just not chill. It's all about a goal: get drunk, and then see what happens.

On top of not feeling this vibe, I am so incredibly mad at someone I can't even stand it. I just want to yell and rage at them until I feel better and they feel worse. I am so tired of being treated like ass by this person that almost wish I could have nothing to do with them for a while, but that's impossible. So I deal, I guess.

Maybe I will just stay in and play my trombone and pet my kitties. I wish I could have one of those long, rambling conversations with someone. Yeah...that's what I really want.

2006-11-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

politics as usual

I like Democratic majorities, don't you?

Arizona surprised me, Wisconsin disappointed me, and South Dakota made a good decision. It seems it is a good year for women but not homosexuals. California voted down funds for alternative energy but Missouri is allowing stem cell research.

I guess it's just nice to have some balance back.

2006-11-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

medicine head

This afternoon I was just waiting around for death to come, but since it didn't, I got up to go and sub for a friend in 8 O'Clock Lab Band.

Meaning...I had such bad coughing fits today that I threw up what little has been in my stomach all day, and when I found some sudafed hiding in my bathroom drawer I was so excited I nearly yelled aloud. I'm feverish and achy and all around grumpy. My apologies to the folks who came over last night to watch V for Vendetta who likely breathed in my noxious sick vapors all evening...but it was still a good time, right?

(The thunderstorm was perfectly timed to some of the scenes in the movie and made the whole experience that much more effective! Plus, it was a good crowd. I think I miss having people over at my house more often)

Now I'm going back home to wait around for death some more, but I'm starting to think he's stood me up. Bah. You can't trust men.