i did call. left a message. usually he's pretty good about calling back, we'll see.

i'm starting to get that sensation in my tummy, the one that tells me that, oh, yeah...this whole relationship thing (meaning, the concept) is just way out of my control. i mean, i don't know what to think. i'm not talking about ryan really, just generally. i can't keep a grip on what i think is the right path and what the rest of me really wants to do because of desire/personalhappiness/wantingtodowhatwillmakeothersfeelgood...etc. i don't understand why i must make things awkward-in my head. it's all in my head, dammit! what the hell am i talking about? see what i mean? i go insane every time i have to think about potential relationships. fuck fuck fuck.