my dad got fired from his job at jackinthebox today. for no good reason, other than that his bosses didn't like him. hurray for california and employment at will. it's weird. i'm not worried but it didn't seem like something that would ever happen. i was more worried back in sixth grade when the e. coli scare was happening. it seems that i get less worried about things the older i am. that doesn't make sense to me, because the more you know about something, the more you understand the consequences. then again, maybe it does make sense, because you know that there are more options and it doesn't seem so much like the end of the world. i dunno. i've stopped worrying about stuff that isn't small enough. :) i'll still be able to go to school and all that. maybe i'll pay more of the rent. that's not so bad. i have two jobs, and for both of them i get a raise this coming semester because the university is cool like that. i don't worry about money. i can live without things. it's just surreal. then it gets me wondering. i think i should understand all this stuff. all this how to make it in the real world stuff. i can't forsee myself being terribly rich and famous; my trombone skills aren't good enough for that, but then again i just want to be happy somewhere. i had an idea the other day. for a radio station that plays a greater mix of "classical" (and i would come up with a new term for that) music, not just the stuff everyone knows or is the most relaxing. i think that would be fun. maybe i can be a professor. i like music history...what am i going to go to grad school for? who knows. it's hard to believe that i can make it as a performer in anything but Podunk Symphony Orchestra, with all the competition out there. I want to be in a brass quintet, most of all. But I wouldn't mind doing whatever, as long as it was with music. as long as i could be a part of the family...that's what i love best about music, it ties everyone who does it together. look at all my friends at school! only one or two aren't in music school.

i guess the thought here is, i don't really see myself being successful, but successful in the sense that i have a lot of money and respect or whatever. money and security and tax forms and health insurance...i will do all these things, but i won't worry about them. it is of no importance to me. now i'm remembering the essay i wrote for my UC applications, way back when...all about "the path least travelled" and how "i'll never do anything if it doesn't make me happy." i still believe it. it's been a bit buried lately, but i still believe it. and now i have a definition of happiness...yeah, i think i can figure this life thing out, it just takes a little time and a lot of patience. no worries, i've got both.