I made a conscious decision tonight not to go to Russian Orch. I was standing in front of Van Hise, looking forlornly at the 14th floor, and alternatively looking longingly at the lake and the mist that was setting over the grass by Liz Waters. So I went and I sat at the scenic point instead of going to rehearsal. Everything was so sublime and it was just cold enough to keep me aware of every last detail of the scene. In many ways it reminded me of the day spent at Lake Geneva, just walking in the drizzle by myself and trying to regenerate some sense of control. I think in my quest to become a more outwardly expressive individual I've lost a lot of the qualities of the introvert I truly am. I think it's bad thing. It's necessary for me to escape once and a while and not talk to anyone just so I can recooperate. Except today, it didn't really work. I still have that choke in my throat and I still feel like I can't express the emotion that currently grips me. I thought of a metaphor today, while practicing: I feel like my role in the social situations around me is falling behind. It's like when you're trying to practice with a metronome, and you're slowing down, and it seems to your ears that the metronome is getting faster. No one else is really speeding up, you're just behind. And it's almost a hopeless feeling. I wish I could snap out of this foul mood. But in some part of my brain, the darker, more thoughtful part, I question the desire to be happy. What's to be so happy about? people are stupid, society is messed up...But this is not right either. Where's the middle way? Too many jealous and petty thoughts came to mind today. I read too deep into just about everything and I teared up once or twice about nothing in particular. What's wrong?

Hey, Megan...I miss you!