i have so many people i love...for different things, for special things each...people make me happy. but there must be something wrong with me. when am i on the receiving end of this compliment? i'm not a sparkling conversationalist, i don't even tease well or have dashing wit. always outshone, never in the spotlight. never singled out for anything...but what's the point? i know it's not everything. bt it's something i wish i had...even for a little bit. no, if i try to bring attention to myself i get shot down, or i interrupt something and am ignored (my own fault, i know) or i just start talking nonsense that no one cares to listen to. sometimes i feel like i shouldn't talk at all. i can't compete...why should i bother?

i know davis doesn't feel pathetic or lonely about boys, and this is very good. I am proud of you davis....keep it up. unfortunately i feel VERY pathetic and VERY lonely about boys, and i think it's the root of most of my social issues. I don't know...I have wonderful friends, but as is human nature I am greedy and I want more. It is very difficult to watch your roomate be her wonderful and very charming person (both reasons why i love her) around someone you wish could be yours...and know that you just can't compare, that's it obvious there's nothing left over for you. Jealousy is a feeling I truly despise having...and yet I seem to be so practiced at it. Why must I be so possessive about people? Is it because I crave attention so badly? I don't need to compete...it just makes things worse. but i do anyway. Tonight was a battle for control...of my own will. The part of me that just wanted to give up and cry it out later won. Which is a good thing in at least one way: I didn't make a fool of myself or further demolish my connection to either roomate or boy. but now I'm just fed up. I crave love, attention, total involvement. Everything. And as I know that I can't have it (oh, you can't hurry love, no, you just have to wait) unless am patient and undemanding....well, I guess I'll just have to get over it. Self-pity...my mom always warned me about it. She wouldn't take any of it. Maybe she had a point.