Tuesday, September 04, 2001

of everything i accomplish, the most important would be inner strength, character. but today i realize that i am the weakest of the weak. there is no strength in me that is capable of dealing with what needs to be done...and there is not strength even to run away and find something else. no, i am as weak as i could be: never moving forward or backward but only standing trembling in one place, unable to understand or reconcile anything. in the real world i will only be trampled and forgotten, all my endeavors will come to nothing and i shall only be ignored. my luck has run out.

what is it i love? what is it i do best? today i don't know anymore. music has offered me little solution. there is so much to learn, it's overwhelming. i'm so far behind, it's like looking up at the top of a mountain and having to climb it, even with a broken leg and a head cold. It could be worse...but it's pretty bad as it is. such a prize is waiting at the top! but i only sink deeper into the mud. only a few get up, and i'm not one of them. victim of ridiculously high standards? i guess so. but i don't know what else i can do. the day you realize the rest of your life is at stake and there's only two choices open to you (run away, or keep climbing) is pain, hurt...the day you'll make the decision seems impossible and eternally far away. you're just too wrapped up in suffering to figure it out. what do i do? where do i turn? i have answers, but nothing seems to fit (or perhaps i just don't want to hear it). it's only one day...and how huge it seems to loom when you don't perceive how much other time is waiting behind it in which you have to heal, to recover and to step forward healthy and conquering.

it hurts to hear that you're not good enough....but it hurts even more to know it's true.