I am so so so lonely. I'm trying hard to reach out to people I know here, but it's difficult, everyone's got a life and there's no room for me to barge in, lay out all my loneliness, and expect friendship. I miss everyone in Madison and I'm longing for the day when miraculously Jerry and I can have a phone conversation that lasts longer than 10 minutes, and without awkward pauses. Life is going on without me and I'm stuck here, no progress, no love, no nothing. I thought maybe by this week I would have a job and be teaching, but neither happened, and I don't want to bother Sean again, I know he's busy, and he can't be responsible for setting up my musical life.
I keep telling myself that this is just a transition, next year it will be go go go and I'll have people and work and life will take me with it. But it's so hard, because I've spent so long being a social person and needing people to share moments with...Jerry tells me he wants me to be happy. All I want is a friend to share some conversation with in person, someone who'll take me out of the house and wake me up and shake the cobwebs off of me. And it's not like I'm not going out myself, and looking for people. I just feel really...lost. I can practice and exercise all I want, but that doesn't add up to companionship. And I have this cell phone, I prostituted myself to the cell phone industry, but why? No one ever calls it. It's not like I need it to keep track of my busy social life. My parents have a phone line, and that'd be free for me to use. What's my deal? It's become the symbol of my loneliness. Cell phone, sitting silently. It looks at me like I'm crazy. It just wants to be used. Talked to. It wants to be busy. Kind of like me, too.