hey, jealousy

Lately I've had a visitor, the green-eyed monster himself. Now, in my efforts at self-improvement I try at all times to push back feelings of jealousy, as I feel they are the most trivial and harmful of emotions. However, lately I have been unable to deny that I am, indeed, jealous.

Of what, you may ask? Well, to put it most bluntly, of friends' lives going on without me, of people having fun without me. Fear of being forgotten gets tossed in there too. Shake well and serve in a frosted glass. Add olive for extra color.

I've been struggling with jealousy, to be perfectly honest, since summer, where I was mostly jealous that Jerry was having a good time being sought after by all the "cool" people. Meanwhile I was in top form, struggling to make friends and ending up with some great girls to lean on (fo rizzle), but still feeling like I wanted more. This I hate the most, the "I want more" feeling. Another topic for self-improvement: learning to appreciate what I have been given.

I'm jealous today because at times I feel like I have to fight to keep my place in Jerry's heart. I know this is not true, but jealousy makes me think this way. I start to think of all the things that are happening in Madison that I don't know about it. All the living and playing I could be doing there, but I am no longer a piece of the puzzle. I chose to move on, but did I really? I'm just as stranded here as I ever thought I was in Madison. Which I wasn't. I know I'm not making anyone jealous living out here, working at JC Penney and going to Borders for entertainment. If I had a cat, then maybe someone would be jealous. But why would I want someone else to feel that way? I don't. That's what jealousy does. He's a tricky one, that beast. Works in many ways.

I'm not really out to make a point; sometimes writing something out makes it better. Everyday I still get that sinking feeling in my stomach that I've destroyed everything I loved by moving away. I still want to move back. It's hard to make anything I do out here feel like it has any meaning. It's just an empty shell. No friendships. No adventures. Nothing I've learned anything from.

That's not true. You can learn something from any experience. I just think I've exhausted the possibilities.