Saturday, December 24, 2005

so quiet

I think i just figured out what it is that bugs me about Christmastime. For me, personally. Maybe some of you have very different holidays, but then, my family's small. We could be bigger but we live 2,000 miles away from the nearest relatives.

It's the quiet. It's the time of year I come home for a week to sit in front of my parent's computer obsessively making music lists and catching up blogs. Sometimes I read a blog all the way back to the beginning of time. Or a webcomic. Either way by the end of the visit all I want is some intelligent conversation and booze (maybe mutually exclusive?).

Sitting around in the place I grew up means I become terribly introspective and moony about whatever situation emotionally/personally/professionally I happen to be in. All this is made worse by the fact that on Christmas Eve and Day it is fairly off limits to call your friends or arrange for meet-ups because it is Sacred Holiday Family Time (TM). My parents and I just do the same thing we always do, which is: after our mandatory half-hour of together time spent either eating breakfast or opening presents or staring at our plates uncomfortably, my dad watches TV, my mom falls asleep watching TV (in a different room) and I stare at the computer for hours on end listening to music and playing 3-D Pinball. Meanwhile I imagine my friends with larger families are off engaged in loud vaguely ethnic conversations and eating large heafty meals, younger kids arguing over videogames, older kids staring sullenly at walls, people of my awkward adultish age either arguing over videogames or staring sullenly at walls, old people asleep in armchairs, people futzing around in the kitchen.

I tried to watch some TV today. Just to pass the time. Mind you, I haven't watched a year. Near exactly a year. I think I swore off the TV after the election results burned a hole in my retinas. I got kind of car sick, or motion sick, I think. I came back to the computer. I desperately wanted to talk to someone. I started thinking about people I haven't talked to in forever, and miss utterly. Davis, Emily, Bethany, Felicia, Beatriz, Mikey, Doug, even Ryan for chrissakes. I daydreamed about Madison for a good forty minutes. When I woke up I started crying. Mostly because I haven't done anything since I've gotten to San Diego, besides go out to the Gaslamp with Katie (which was quite fun) and take a walk around my neighborhood. And next two days are Sacred Holiday Family Time (TM) so I'm pooched in the entertainment department for another whole weekend's worth of boredom.

This little ode to my personal holiday is less about boredom, though, and more about self-contemplation. Since this vacation is pretty much the first time I've climbed out of my trombone since August, all the things I've been wanting to think about but haven't had time for because of overarching musical interests are now pouring into my consciousness full steam. Not fun, after you've had a one-track mind all semester. So I guess I just need to talk. I need a little hovel of friendship to make myself feel better. Too bad about that SHFT(TM), huh?

And since even the blogosphere is quiet, I felt even more need to fill up the emptiness with my own private bullshit. Consider it your early holiday of choice present.