Wednesday, November 21, 2007

untitled, unhappy

TIme for a little honesty.

I want someone who will look me in the eyes and know, without doubt, how I make them feel and how they feel about me. I want to know again what it's like to dive in, open-hearted and open-minded, into whatever adventure someone has agreed to go on with me. I want to be with someone whose love makes me stronger, faster, better, clearer, and smarter. I want to listen carefully to what they are telling me, to read between the lines and find happiness, to take time to understand what is in front of me. I want to be touched, and held, and loved. I want to feel every ounce of me matched for every ounce of my opposite, and not found wanting.

I don't want to play games, or play the fool, or cry uncontrollably in my car because I feel like everything romantic I've ever tried to do has been, in some way, a complete disaster. I don't ever (EVER) want to hear the words 'it just doesn't feel right' applied to me again. EVER. I don't want to be teased, or toyed with, or jerked around. I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to cause fear. I don't want to be friends. I don't want to be consoled.

I won't.

I am tired of false starts and uncertainty. I am tired of dreaming, of losing sleep, of signifying nothing. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of going to bed alone.

Until then, I will be heartsore, I will be angry, I will be proud and wounded. Until then, whenever that may be.