My mission: to overcome feelings of jealousy and learn to let people be their own people.

I'm getting better at this, but there are still some people...it's just hard for me to think that they can, not quite ignore me, but at least expand upon other friendships and such when I want to be the closest to them. Hans told me once (and many thanks to him for it) that he thought I was a jealous friend...and the more I thought about it, the more I saw he was right. So slowly, I'm learning, but I've reached a road block with Ryan. So here's what I'm thinking: B and I show up to see his band, and they are not on yet, so we sit and talk to him for a while, he's talking to a friend as well. And somehow I feel that in the time that I haven't seen him, this girl has somehow taken my place. Not just in becoming his friend, but in becoming the sort of friend that I am to him, in my mind. "In my mind" is the key here, I'm at the same time feeling like a total psychobitch for thinking these crazy thoughts. But they are there, and only invalid if i can work around them. But anyway, she flirts with him just the same as I do, he pays attention to her, and yet it's one of those messed up Ryan-leading-people-astray sort of things. You can kind of tell she's got something for him. So now I'm jealous, mad at myself for being psycho, and furious with Ryan for messing with someone else's emotions the same way he did with mine, all at the same time.
So, after they played, what's going through my head? "Get out of here as soon as possible or everything's going to go to hell..." Waited only as long as they could tear down their set, and grabbed Ryan, thanked him for inviting me, and posed the question on my mind: "So, are you still superbusy or do you want to hang out some time?" Answer is, yes. So he says, "call me" and I give him my best don't-pull-that-shit-on-me look. But he says, "Well, I just called you..." and I'm thinking, "what a complete boy. He's just a frustrating, stupid boy.." at the same time as "why the hell I am so weak around this character?" but instead I say, "alright, I'll call you." And hightail it out of there. There might have been a trail of smoke behind me, I don't know because I didn't stop to look. And poor B, having to listen to me analyze every last drop of my psyche devoted to relationship-self-esteem, probably just wanted to shoot me and remind me that she's heard it ten million times before (which would not be an exaggeration).

Ok, here's my deal: All I really want is just to hang out with him, because I miss it. We can be friends or lovers, it doesn't matter. Everyone has at least a handful of people that are absolutely essential to their existence, and he is one of mine. In fact he may very well be near the top of the list. What kills me is that I don't think this sort of existential soul-mate crap is mutual. Or if it is, he's fighting it for some reason, and this "i'm busy" charade is just a way of escaping...something. I've got to have it be all or nothing; I can't spend two months not talking to him and then talk to him, because then I'll never break free of this situation. I don't want to give him up completely because then there would be a huge hole. I suppose it would scab over in time, but never really heal. But my solution is obviously not his solution.

what the hell am i supposed to do?