Well, hello.

Ben warned me about the email he had sent me today regarding my blog, so I looked forward all today to getting it and reading it (I also had a few qualms about what exactly he would say), and I did indeed enjoy it. So my topic upon which I will expound today is: life. most importantly what I have come to understand about it. Disclaimer: nothing I can actually put in writing will explain even basically how my brain is working. My brain travels in different orbits from everything else. When I speak of brain I mean that part of my mind devoted to figuring those deep thoughtful things out and processing the information so I can live life better. Unfortunately it takes light years for it all to get to the right planet. Ben, thank you much for your congratulations on being a human being and understanding my experiences. And I'm glad that I've instilled a sense of hope in you for thinking in similar circles. The whole Ryan situation is at a point where I'm starting to separate myself from emotion (it's still there) and look at it from a highly logical and probably overanalyzed perspective. Underneath is that layer of emotion that gets in the way and mucks everything up, yet to give it up would completely destroy everything I fight for. See, most of my growing up has been done by me. Sounds like a pretty obvious statement, huh? Well, what I mean is, a lot of people have someone or some people they can go to and talk about everything. And in high school (which i consider the place that really "made" me...college is making me grow up, but my stream of consciousness is born in high school, when I figured out how to think for myself and solve my own problems) I always felt a little separated from even my good friends because I couldn't always articulate my thoughts. I'm not saying that I could go talk to anyone, I'm saying that something held me back. If I have a serious problem, chances are I've probably already figured it out for myself before I got talk to someone about it. I'm also just realizing right now that this probably doesn't make me any different from anyone else but still, I've always felt different in that any serious conclusion I come to I already know. I have a theory: we already know everything we need to know, but it's just hidden from us. I tried this metaphor out on Bethany once (but I'm not sure she fell for it): growing up (perhaps I should define: meaning attaining levels of realization, or just becoming your own person, i guess) is like having the curtains opened in a dark room. It doesn't happen all at once; light creeps in, you learn a little more, some more comes in, until someday (and far away at that) you're enlightened. Poof!! Does this make any sense? Basically what I'm saying is that my life up to this point and continuing past it is just one big opening of curtains. It's a step process. Perhaps that isn't the best metaphor. Maybe I can come up with a better one later, but now I have to go. Thanks Ben, for inspiring me to try to explain myself.

Upon reflection, I think I'd make a damn fine Buddhist. Well, maybe next life. :)