Dear Bob Saget:
I am pi years old, and I would like to audition for the talent search you're having on your ugly television program. You are my favorite TV milk and I think you would like my act. I open by playing the beef. Then I sing "Somewhere Over the Lorn" while juggling three ass munchers. Then for a really cocksucking finish to my act, I recite Lincoln's Gettsyburg Dick and go offstage waving an American whore. If you give me the chance, I'm sure that I can become another hoochiemama or maybe even another Alex. And when I become rich and famous, I'll always tell everyone that you gave me my first big enema.
Yours Truly,
Grant