i was going along, minding my only business, happy as a clam, and then out of nowhere this really shitty mood descended and took over my whole day and made it one big fucked-up experience. It's all the fault of that damn Kopprasch exercise. Why can't I frigging do it? What the hell is wrong with me? I'll bet everyone other college trombonist in the world can do it. I bet they can do it without thinking about it. So why can't I? does it mean I suck? does it mean I shouldn't be playing trombone? What the hell!?!?!?! On top of this I found out that I'm playing nothing but second parts once again in Wind ensemble, and it makes me really not want to be there anymore. I can't stand it. I don't want to go. I'm tired and I'm sick of music. I don't want to deal with Smith. I don't want to sit in my chair and feel like I'm the least hardworking player in the school. I don't want to think about how I am or am not progressing. I don't know how I will handle this...

and all this suffering (ah, but a buddhist would say, "suffering is not innate") has left me wanting to do one thing, and one thing only: lie on a couch with jerry and not think about anything except being in someone's arms and being comfortable. no worries. and it is not to be!!! because of course he has a life and doesn't need me to feed him (even though sometimes i wonder about that) and will find his own dinner even though that was only an excuse to get to see him and to feel a little bit better. and i've lost my resolve to make anything to eat myself...
and i have to go to the library and read for renaissance. shit. i get to feeling sometimes that i'm going to be totally overwhelmed by all the stuff i have to do, even though it's totally doable and not hard, it just requires organization and perserverence, but all my head wants to do is let things slide, fuck 'em and take a nap. i am a slacker in a bad mood.

not a good combination.