fighting vainly the old ennui

i'm bored-ish. no real desire to look up exciting/infuriating news on the internet, can't stand to play my trombone another minute, can't finish packing until i've done laundry, have the irrepressible urge to type in lower case. i've cruised through a couple of old bs entries (a journey into the wayback machine...the stew is almost three years old! and how far we've come since that long post where i sang sean odenwalder's traffic lights song. sigh. it's such a beautiful thing). in the spirit of 510 n henry street, madison, wi 53703 (home of corporal zulu and hairgel eating) i give you a taste of the old stew, in all its glory.

the other night i had a dream about ryan. hahahahaha! i laugh. ryan. how silly that whole thing was, and yet how essential to the development of my character today. i don't recall the specifics of the dream. it just got me to thinking. what's ryan "i'm afraid of girls but i think i'm really cool" smith up to these days? is he still in new york, writing bing-bang-zoom-whoosh music? is that smile still infectious? if he randomly called me one day, would he call me the nickname he gave me?

mostly i'm feeling pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. i have forgiven my prior self for being girlie and crazy and maybe even a little psychotic. this is past. i still regret the loss of a very good friend, the first person i truly felt comfortable around at college. but, it's past. gone-o-roo-la.

in response to davis' questions about grad school and alex, i initiated a rant that i had a hard time getting out of. but in the end, it made a ton of sense (at least, to myself). all that time i spent moaning and bitching about ryan i was blaming him for something i brought on myself. i'm not totally freeing him of responsibility, because he certainly didn't do anything to rectify the situation...in fact i believe his reaction was to run away and never speak to me again...but. but but but. i was amiss in thinking he was responsible for my happiness. no. only i am responsible for my happiness. other people merely help the process. ryan was in no way required to date me, fuck me, or otherwise employ my emotions just because i liked him. nay, was infatuated with him. i can ask that of no one. attraction must be mutual...to be attraction. any bitchin', moanin' or whinin' i did was my own choice, and i was not grown up or self-realized enough to stop these things and move on for a long time. true, everyone recovers from unrequited or requited or whatever crazy donkey love at their own pace, but i'd like to give myself much more credit that i actually did. i'm grateful that i can look back the experience with new tools of analysis and perspective. yay, girl power. women rule. boys drool. or something like that.

i'm growing up. and i like it. moon goddess strong woman radical feminist riot grrl riding valkyrie reigning fire down from valhalla. weeee, muthafucka, weeeeeeee.

"you must be girls. let's date."
"i'm totally crushing!" --teen girl squad