Tuesday, August 02, 2005

mild panic attack

My mom has developed the habit of sending me email forwards.

You remember how back in high school it was still cool, because we were young then, and so was in the internet, and gee! this is an awesome quiz?

And then you got into college and you were trying to finish your paper on Hadyn's 900,874th symphony (in G minor) while balancing your checkbook and stressing out about Greg from downstairs who gave you that weird look in elevator and OMG should I ask him out? And you were kinda tipsy from the cheapest liquor you could get your of age friend to buy for you? And suddenly those forwards about how Marilyn Manson used to be a nice kid that got hated on in middle school and now he's EEEEEVIL so love Jesus and be kind to strangers start getting awfully aggravating. So you send out the email: "Dear people I barely now, well at least I remember hanging out with you sometimes in band but you weren't really someone I wanted to keep in touch with after college, at least not after the preliminary first six months with the check-up phone call and the 'hey wassup' letter (I wasn't planning to reply to your response because I was going to be 'just too busy' with school), Stop sending me the forwards and the quizzes. You are overfollowing my mailbox with useless tripe that melts my brain a little more every time I see the subject line: FWD: RE: FWD: HOORRAY FOR UNICORNS! Please take me off your mass email list. Yours ungratefully, Lorn"

And you lose touch with some people, but so what? Occasionally you get the rogue forward, but you've learned patience and temperance, so you take a deep breath and move on. Life continues unabated.

But now...what to tell your mother? Your own dear, sweet, loveable, kind, nuturing mother? Should you say: "Dear Mom, Thanks for the picture of the enormous cat. Wow, it sure is huge! It's funny you sent that to me because I have cats too. What a coincidence! But one thing, and please don't be offended: I really don't ever read or look at these things. In fact they toy with my blood pressure. If you could so awesomely stop sending me them, I would be eternally thankful. By the way, did I mention that I am in your debt eternally for the millions of hours and dollars you have spent on my development as a human being? And how your love and parenting have made me who I am today? Thanks! Love, Lorn"

Or is it possible to do the eye roll through email? "OMG MOM, I can't believe you'd send me forwards. That is so 1998. Forwards are, like, what cat ladies and lonely aunts send out, not to mention 11 year olds that just got their first email account. Just, cut it the hell out, okay? Yours testily, Lorn"

Indeed, a most dire straight.