Friday, October 20, 2006

and so it begins

Man, sometimes I really suck at being alone.

It's like this: I'm really busy. Really really busy. I could fill just about every available hour of my day with some productive item of business, whether it be practicing trombone, catching up on school work, or taking care of various and sundry homeownership related things.

And then Friday night rolls around and I don't want to do any of those things. I'd like to be with people, or just a person, or anything really as long as it involved some personal attention.

Instead of actually doing anything about this I spend the time moping and feeling sorry for myself because no one ever calls me (this is my own personal slap on the wrist. Bad passive-aggressive Lorn, bad!). I contemplate the ceiling and consider just going to bed so I can wake up and feel like being a real person again. Just anything, to get this evening over with so that life can go on as normal.

This is pretty much impossible, though, when I've got loneliness on the brain.

I started out this semester with all kinds of fire and drive. I thought of myself and what I needed to do, and I relished in being free to do it. That I've gotten this far into the year before losing the drive is perhaps some sort of a record for me, but it's frustrating nonetheless.

Mentally, intellectually, and spiritually, everything's good. What I hate is that emotionally, I'm kind of a wreck, and that's making the balance of the other three tilt and go out of whack. I also don't like that I let other people indirectly control how I feel if their actions don't line up with what I'm hoping for or what I'd like to happen.

And hey, I'm single. Relationships are no good if you're so busy sometimes you can't even remember what day it is because it seems like one day has lasted for three. And if I had a relationship, would it be with someone outside of the music world? Because that's the only way I see things actually working out for me and some hypothetical person. Meaning: I've got goals. I've got a future. Hypothetical Person has goals and a future as well, and HP, if a musician, goes where the future lies. Tie the two of us together and it's another recipe for saying goodbye to the love of your life to move halfway across the country alone and spend the year in Mom and Dad's house feeling like life just put a cigarette out on your arm and then punched you full on in the jaw.

So for now, I'm lonely. I'm lonely because even if I could be with someone I'd have to choose not to be. And if I did choose to be in spite of all this, it'd be half-assed and strained.

Gah. I'm going to bed.