Monday, October 16, 2006

in which i lace my blog with obscenities

Gee, let me tell you how happy I am that I woke up at 7am this morning, drove 50 miles through a friggen flood watch in ridiculously heavy traffic for an hour and a half, and arrived at school ready to teach (and receive checks from my students) only to find that there is NO. FUCKING. SCHOOL.

Add this to the fact that yesterday I put a fair-sized dent (let's say it's much, much bigger than a quarter) in my bell which is of course an easy fix at our awesome repair shop on campus...but still. To me a dented horn is like the feeling you get when you look at someone with a black eye or a broken arm. It's just...disturbing.

On top of all this, and perhaps the main reason I am setting my lazers to KILL today, is that this weekend I lost complete faith in the humanity of my fellow music students. I am sorely disappointed in how badly everyone here uses and abuses each other, talks hypocritically and acts even worse. There's a tremendous amount of sleeping around and backstabbing and just general doucebaggery and I am pissed off about it.

I don't have a problem with the sleeping around. Let's get this straight: sex is something that people do. They do it with lots of people and lots of people do it with them. I guess what I don't understand is how little people seem to care for the people they're sleeping around with. I don't mean love, or affection- I mean compassion. I mean, have a one-night stand, sure, but don't lose sight of the fact that the person you slept with is a human being. Take care of yourself and take care of that other person.


I guess most of my anger at this is coming out of my feeling that true connections here are nearly impossible to make. Everyone's busy, selfish, and out for themselves. I am the same way, and I'm not exactly knocking this kind of attitude. Being selfish this semester is helping me get ahead with my goals and figure out what I want. But knowing what I want means I also know what I want from other people, and that's compassion. If someone needs help I will help them and I hope for the same in return.

I'm trying to keep all of this in mind as I re-evaluate my own situation and emotions so that I can make some sort of emotionally balanced and intellectually sound decision about my place in this environment. I'm speaking specifically about things I can't discuss here and more broadly about the future and who's in it. Yes, who.

And I used to think relationships were hard. Huh! Try not having relationships!