Friday, November 23, 2007

okay, let me clarify

The last post was obviously one of those heartbreak-ridden moments where whatever you're saying, it's so true, so deep, so in-the-moment, that you don't think you'll ever get over yourself.

What happened was, for this forum, basically a simple case of two people who wanted different things. The details and emotions involved are not appropriate to put up on the web, of course. Shit happens. It's hard to get other people to want what you want sometimes, it's hard to get people together in general, it seems.

In the inbetween time I found myself struggling with this idea that it wasn't so much the failure of this particular relationship to get to me, but rather the way in which I felt like it was my fault. My lack. My baggage.

Fuck that shit.

(see, now I'm angry. The conversation I had with M made me feel the above- like I had failed to listen properly or note the signs of incompatibility- a valuable lesson, in part, because it made me more aware of what I wanted. But talking with L had the benefit of making me see what WASN'T my fault, what was in fact a critical lack of what I needed on the part of the other person.)

I am this open, free, understanding and generally awesome person because I have chosen to be. I have some fears, but they don't deal with intimacy, relationships, or emotional attachment. I can balance my needs and my wants with my disappointments and my failures.

I think I deserve someone who is the same way.

(You will forgive me for assigning blame. I'm looking for resolution, for the strength to move forward and be my own person again. I've worked hard to be who I am, and while I may not always be so clear about what I want, I'm not afraid of it. I go in for self-examination so that I can be better in the long run, for myself and for others. I have experiences that are unique both to me and to my age. I am tired of fooling around with people who have not made it to the same place as me.)

And that, I think, is the long and the short of it. Negotiations with people are always tricky. I watched Lost in Translation last night because it has some of the emotions in it that I am feeling- that no one will ever understand you quite the way you want them to, that feeling lost is a part of growing up no matter how old you are, that sometimes, it's just not the right time, or it is, and you can never tell until the end of it.