thank yous and goodbyes

More than anything else, I am trying to look forward. To silly dates, like April 10th, when new episodes of the Office air again; to more important ones, like June 29th, the day we start our six-week stay in CT for a prestigious chamber music festival that is the promise of all our hopes and aspirations. To summer weather, to fall colors. To visits with friends. To birthdays and holidays. To new houses and new experiences.

Because I'm afraid of the present, of the alarming reality of my impending loneliness, made all the more dark by the realizations I have been making everyday about you. About who you are to me. And about how little I can do to change anything in my favor.

In your presence I feel so calm, and so capable. I feel like I can take on any challenge without hardly breaking a sweat. I won't lose this; you have given me this for keeps. I know what I want- I want you- but I'm afraid there's no one like you anywhere else. If there is even someone remotely similar, what are the chances I'll ever meet them? That this kind of thing will happen again?

I may be foolish. Maybe my readiness to find someone to love again has allowed me to overlook flaws in the fabric, or miss out on misperceptions in the reality. Maybe I misunderstood the nature of this brief relationship. Maybe I am unable to accept that it just wasn't good timing, or meant to be, or whatever shit they fling at you in times like these, ostensibly to help you put things in perspective.

But here's the truth of it: if you could have stayed, if this could have lasted, do you know the heights we could have reached? Do you know the accomplishments we would have mastered? Do you know the greatness therein?

I think I do. Things I never wanted...never even spent more than a passing though on...took on a shimmering fullness and richness I'd never granted them before. Futures blossomed, matured, faded gracefully. The present waved proudly as a banner. Everything was new again.

(Did I ever mention that I am a hopeless romantic, under all my pragmatic musings?)

The distance...I can't get around it. Here is where we built our friendship, and in each other's company we kept it up and beautiful. Not there. Not there AND here. Here. I can't hold you- I can't ask anyone that- you are destined for great things and I will be so proud of you when you do them. I will always be proud of you. I will always relive the memories of our time together and feel special and blessed. The truth is I couldn't afford to give so much of myself to someone who wasn't staying near me, literally and figuratively, and yet I did. I couldn't help it. If I hadn't, what would I have miss out on? How less rich would my life have been without the sweetness of these short months?

I will see you again. It's never goodbye, only, 'til then' and a smile. I will always be here for you, if you need me. If there is a future for us I can only dream of it, never wish it. May I always call you friend, and may you always know that there is someone out there who loves you, and who wishes you well.