in/significance

here it is, this blank blogger page for me to full with words.

the thing is, i feel my head is just as muddled and uncertain as my life is, and i can't seem to find a place to start.

i'm not settling. i can't decide what i want to be when i grow up. if it were biologically possibly, i would be a tree, my aspiration at age 3.

being a tree would be fun. being an ent would be fucken rad. hroom hrroom!

the fact is, i can't be a tree. i have no inclination to be a doctor, lawyer, veterinarian, actor, scientist, or politician. a degree in music performance, trombone emphasis, suggests that maybe i should be a musician.

hm.

yeah i'm not so sure about that one, guys. kinda bumming on the whole musician thing.

i haven't practiced since i got back from canada. and i'm not missing it at all. if i had other source of income, i might not be going to coach at all. i'm a musical liability.

but what else would i do?

i can't get excited about any of the options america offers to me as a means of gainful employment.

but maybe i wouldn't mind being a lifeguard forever.

yeah, i could do that. maybe i'd graduate to head guard, and then aquatics supervisor.

everyone needs lifeguards. and hey, i'm good at it.

maybe better at it than anything else i do.

the broken sentences are coming at you fast and hard because i can't seem to keep a thought flowing in my head long enough to sponsor another one that deserves to be in the same sentence. i feel broken thoughts, thus, broken sentences.

i'm feeling down because it's the american dream, hammered into my head since childhood saying ambitions, horatio alger, 2.5 children, pursuit of happiness, that i can't accept. that i don't want the american dream. no kids or a house in the suburbs for me. i don't need loads and loads of money that i would feel compelled to give away. it's ambition i don't have. i'm not striving for anything.

except...

no, i do want happiness. contentment. peace.

what would be the consequences of me becoming a buddhist nun? i think i would enjoy it. much like being a tree, it suggests quietude, calmness, quiessence.

it's true, there are things i want to do. i experienced a bit of nostalgia for the music world today when thinking about pit orchestras (maybe not everyone's favorite memory), but i can't find it now.

it's a mood, it'll pass. all the good stuff, all the dreams and desires are buried under the doubts and anxieties. and the dullness most of all. it all comes from how sluggish, uninspired, and lonely i feel. not the "go-getter" i was, rather, my go's on the get. Just floatin' getting by. waiting for the stream to pick me up again and take me down the rapids. no excitement here. move along, folks.