dear ani difranco

I don't know what jerk broke your heart or what the circumstances were, but regardless, the music you make on Dilate just sends me spiraling back into what may not be a similar situation, but feels like it. From the beginning, from Untouchable Face, there is anger, mixed with sadness and acceptance that feels so familar. Ahem:

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

and then, Superhero, desperation:

if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me
if i was naked and screaming
on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming, there's the asshole
who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down

But, you know these lyrics, you wrote them. It's for me that I repeat them, because it shocks me how much they resonate... It's Dilate that shakes me to the core, that speaks volumes about my own experience:

and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate

That chord, that you hit on "dilate." Damn, woman, that's where I start crying. Every time. What unholy goddess gave you the power to have some much control over my emotions? And how did you know? Isn't it hell? And although it's been years, although I've recovered, and I can't even say it was that big a deal, in the long run, in the grand scheme of things, and that I've moved on and become a better person for it, I remember this:

and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

I don't have any excuse to go through all of this in my head again. It's been rationalized, justified, and most of all, forgiven. I do it now because I can't complain about anything else. I have nothing better to do; my inner drama queen wants the pain and the heartbreak back. So, I listen to the things that remind me of the times, partly to feel something again, partly to get past it once and for all. Because somehow you understand this, you made Joyful Girl the last track...

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to

Through the fire we go, in each of our relationships, with all of the intensity and pain and hurt that we inflict on each other in the world. Like flint, we come out the other side harder, and more useful. Sharpened, and stronger. What does it matter what we've lost, when we've gained so much? What is a happy life, without the darkness inherent in living, to contrast it? I'm thankful for heartache, sometimes. It sounds silly to say, but I wouldn't have learned anything about the second time if I hadn't done it once before.

I love you, Ms Ani. I hope I see you in DC this weekend.
All my best,
Lorn