Wednesday, October 27, 2004

i am so procrastinating

Which is lame, considering that I have nothing else to do. Logic, time restraints, and good sense require that I should be researching, downloading applications, and actively seeking recommendation letters for Audition Tour '05. However. I am not. I have disinterestedly looked at the SOM pages for the following schools: Indiana, Maryland, North Texas, and Minnesota. I think I will apply at all of them, even though it means drastically reducing my funds in a feat of cross-country manuevering the likes of which you have never seen. I mean, at least Audition Tour '04 kept me in similar areas, where travel by bus, auto, and train provided for cheap, if not slightly amusing, traveling adventures.

Still, I'm just having a hard time with the motivation. Defintely, I want to be in school this time next year. With activities and practice rooms and scheduled lessons and rehearsals, and also, friends. Audition deadlines are coming up. Why am I procrastinating so? Part of the problem is that, not having my own computer, I am limited in what I can download and how much time I can spend mucking around on it. There is a lead on a cheap computer in the works, and as much as I want a nice one, a shiny iBook, I just can't manage to afford it. Ever. The cost of an iBook is more than is currently contained in my checking account. Fuck you, Texas, you promised me a profitable income.

The other problem is, I'm just so lackluster about everything. It's really hard for me to care when I'm alone, for the most part, in my daily musings. It's like I need a solid foundation of friend(s) off of which to bounce ideas, anxieties, crazy manial plots in order to give them merit in my own mind. Without that, I just don't know what to do with myself. Will to acheive: zero.

Two song quotes that have struck me lately:
"I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full. I need some meaning I can memorize. The kind I have always seems to slip my mind." -Bright Eyes, Lover I Don't Have to Love (this gets Lorn's Best Song of 2004 award)

"I want my old friends, I want my old face, I want my old mind. Fuck this time and place" --Ani Difranco, Out of Habit