Tuesday, May 30, 2006

miscellaneous misery

I had a good time playing water volleyball with Jason and some euphonium players yesterday- sore muscles and laughs. I needed to get out and socialize because of my current addiction to video games, namely Zelda, that is making me cranky and introverted.

I am glad I don't watch TV. I am glad most of my friends don't watch TV. It makes people so much easier to get along with, don't you think? I am subtly referring to the amount of sexist crap on TV, and not having to argue with people about why it isn't funny.

Even though I managed to get out and have good time yesterday, I am not having a very good summer so far. I'm worried about not having a job, about not getting enough students to justify teaching just to make some money, about being incompetent and crabby, about not having money- particularily not enough money to make it to Wisconsin in July, even though I so desperately need this trip I can't even bear to wait another month, about life in general and just not be satisfied, about secrets and lies, holding back and not giving enough.

So, here's a meme that's been going around teh intarwubs these days, and I'm feeling just passive-aggressive enough to share it with you:

10 things I'd like to say to 10 different people, but can't. Neither confirmation or otherwise will be given.

1. I'm a little nervous about the new arrangement. I really hope it works out, and I also hope it doesn't create any new tension or change the dynamic we have. I'm comfortable enough here now that it's the last place I'd like to change.
2. I'm sorry about what happened. I shouldn't have behaved the way I did, regardless of how drunk I was or what was given to me. I am constantly feeling guilty about it.
3. I need the anger and the complaining to abate for a little bit. I'm not saying it isn't true, or that you don't have a point, but I just don't want to hear it right now. If you could stop taking that anger out on innocents, that'd be nice too.
4. You're a really good friend right now. Do you have any idea how much I want to just spill everything out in front of you, and hope for the best? I need some relief and I don't know where to go, so you might be it.
5. I need some time, space, and room for thought. I feel squished up and a little trapped. It's a web of my own designing, sure, but I don't have the guts to cut myself free so I need your help.
6. I wish I could pick you up and shake you, hard, to make you understand that you shouldn't let people use you that way. It hurts me to think that you like it.
7.I miss you, and I miss the past. I wish I knew how you felt but you never seem to want to share. I think that's my fault, honestly. These days I feel like everything's my fault.
8. Seeing you again was awesome. I had forgotten how good you were at getting the truth out of me, and making me turn the looking glass on my own mind. I need that. I wish you weren't so far away, and we could talk more.
9. Why are you such an asshole? Your students hate you and your program isn't teaching anyone anything. You've lost the three best teachers you ever had, and I hope you suffer for it.
10. I wish I could ask you for help, but I hate the lectures and I hate the implications. I know you're really happy to help me out, but I promised myself I'd be self-sufficient from grad school on out. I'm just in a lot of trouble with finances right now, and I'm not sure who else to turn to.