fall cleaning

I took away some of my outdated links--if it was one of your pages and you plan to start up again soon let me know. I only deleted the ones that haven't been updated in more than a year. Yipes!

Well big news for today is that I have decided to abstain from AIM usage for a few days. I feel like I'm becoming dependent on it because I so desperately want to talk to people. Well if you want to talk to me you'll have to call me. End of story. Mostly I am feeling like one of those annoying people that jumps on you the minute you come online and wants to chat chat chat. And it just doesn't substitute. Also I get very frustrated with Jerry, who doesn't talk much anyway, because most of our conversations look like this:

Llama721: what up?
Skrtch4brkf: nothing
Llama721: nothing here either
Skrtch4brkf: cool
Llama721: yep
Skrtch4brkf: wooooooooo

and so on. There you go, a little taste of how the online distance non-relationship fucked up thingy works.

I'm just kind of angry and tired and crabby because I had a rough night last night---I was really feeling the distance and felt very hopeless. Lots of it turned into anger and trying to think about how I could blame Jerry for what I was feeling, but I can't and I definitely shouldn't. It's just frustrating because I feel we have nothing to say to each other, and that's more frustrating because I go on all sorts of tangents trying to understand what that means for us. It's so hard to go a day without thinking about how much I miss him. And I get angry again when he says "Be happy" because I can't, because he makes me happy, he completes the puzzle. Now this is not a concession to modern feminine ideology. I know I should make myself happy, but I learned a long time ago that what I need to do to make myself happy is surround myself with good friends and quality people. And although sometimes the faces have changed throughout the years, there are those that I would despair of if they drew away their friendship. For example--Megan. She's the dearest person in the world to me and I can always talk to her, no matter how long it's been.

In the time that I've been with Jerry, he's become my best friend, the one person that knows me, how silly and stupid I can be, without any of the controls I put on for use in other social situations. To not have that here, close to me, is making me shut up inside myself and present a different face to the world. It makes me feel like I'm dying inside. Rotting away.

The truth of it is, I have to live with what I consider the biggest mistake I've ever made. There are small consolations to having moved here- I rely on my trombone for company thus practicing a lot- but in the long run I should have thought about it. I should have known that there would be consequences. I am not, at the current moment, strong enough to deal with them.