here i go again

back in ye olde san diego. bummer. shit sandwich. fartnuggets.

no, it's okay I think. I am feeling refreshed from my trip and hopefully the happiness will carry me a little longer this time. I've decided to go ahead and do all my grad school stuff, get that out of the way, and concentrate on life. I'm thinking maybe that a move back to Madison is in my future, in January perhaps. In this way (here comes the justification) I may more easily travel to my upcoming auditions in the midwest. This is a rather weak justification. Actually I am questioning my needing to justify it at all. Let's just put it this way: I want to be with Jerry. In being with Jerry I find that I can stop focusing on how I am not with Jerry and focus on how I want my life to be. It's like a reprieve, a retreat from the stark hysterical nights I spend trying to decide the nature and strength of love. In other words, putting myself back into a comfortable situation will help me to make a more complete decision about what happens next. Does this make sense? No one think I'm ducking out here? Or giving up? Well it's possible it won't happen. I know I can do it without Jerry, already I know that the months ahead are not going to be as hard as the past two. Hard nevertheless, but still I have an understanding of what reserves they will take.

I am also coming to understand that it is entirely unreasonable of me to require Jerry to make any decisions concerning the future. I remember what it's like; college seems so protected and distant that it's easy to push off decisions until the last possible instant. Also it is not my life to control. Any and all directions that he may choose to go in are under his command, and his only. I may feel sometimes like I deserve a little effort from him, but I have to remember that this is the part of me that wants a little payback for giving up my summer to spend with him at Blue Lake. The selfish part of me. The part of me that ignores the fact that I made that decision and was not in any way coerced or guilted into going. Except by myself, of course.

Basically it comes to this: I'm deciding on the molecular level right now that I want to reinvent my life. To chance focus. So I become insecure about the things that I've set myself up to do: performance, trombone, music etc. What I am left with is my relationship with Jerry being the only real true understood thing. I need to start from that point and go outward. I need to re-evaluate and take things as they come. For now I should not push the relationship envelope, because that it what weakens it. I need to use the strength that comes from it, and the power that it has, as a safe haven. All things will come from here. This too shall pass.