in which i am feeling very conflicted

hello all. I am in Madison and happy to be so! It's fall and I love it. Hats and mittens, hurrah! It is wonderful to see everyone so far. Haven't done too much but I think that's fine, just the fact of being here is making me feel calmer and happier. Went to Mikey's Hallowe'en party last night as Rosie the Riveter, and was very surprised that people got it right away! It was the cheapest and easiest costume ever, and the most successful. A lesson learned. Today I walked around, bought two candles at the Farmer's Market, and browsed through A Room of One's Own, Exclusive Company, any stores that I miss, etc. I stopped in the Humanities bldg to pee and talked to Dan Henkel for a few minutes. Otherwise the bldg was pretty deserted. Ha-rumph. I would like to make the best of my time by hanging out with folks, but I'll take what I get. Tomorrow I will see Katie and Cara's recitals, and maybe go to the SAI meeting. Monday I have my lesson with James Campbell, so I need to practice for that.

In respect to my title, I am feeling conflicted because I know I am happy here, and that I am unhappy in San Diego. I want to move back. But should I give up on some of the seeds I've sown in Ca to start all over here? Is it too late? Would people think me strange or weak? Can I even afford it-would I get a job? Am I doing it for Jerry or for myself (well, I can answer that one, it would be for myself because I need to have Jerry around, selfishly)? Anyway, lots of people mention my desire to leave that I expressed often last spring and ask me if I would regret coming back here because I would feel trapped again. I don't think so. What I regret is leaving. But now I have to decide if I consider this "giving up" and going back to a comfortable situation, or if I consider it doing what is best for my mental and emotional health. Also, I argue that moving back here would not be entirely comfortable, as I would have to reestablish myself, find job, apt, furniture, etc. I dunno. I might come back in the summer if it turns out my grad school is out here.
I would also like to talk to Jerry about how we see each other in the future. I don't feel like I would be compromising any of my goals or dreams to make room for him in my future. I just think it's something to consider-when you find someone you love, isn't it silly to give it up? We have a few options and I would like to discuss them.

Well, I'm going to practice a bit and then hit the town for dinner. Yum yum, Himal Chuli :)