i don't really want to talk about this, but maybe i should

those of you wondering what was up with my Nov 16th post will now have your answer.

Despite my ill-advised efforts to keep up a long distance relationship with Jerry, things backfired on Sunday and we had a long and terrible phone conversation in which I pretty much freaked out and said I didn't want to talk for a long long time. That if it was going to be "over" in the sense that we weren't lovers anymore, then I needed some time to recover before I could be friends again.

Monday was miserable and I ended up doing an also ill-advised tearful "why can't we think of something better" phone call. I got schooled by Jerry, who didn't want to hear it. I don't blame him, although I did want some sensitivity.

I called back again, later, and asked if I moved back to Madison we'd be "together." No promises. I said I was planning on moving back. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'm standing here, at a crossroads, and I can't do anything but cry. Every decision I consider feels terribly wrong. I think about life without Jerry as my partner and things get fuzzy around the edges and look terribly dim. I think about moving back to Madison and I feel it would be foolish, because what new tortures would I be subjecting myself to? When I'm perfectly familiar with the tortures out here? When I think about staying here until I go to grad school, I want to shoot myself from the hours and months of boredom I foresee. I wish I hadn't ever taken this year off, but let's not dwell in the past. What good can I get out of this?

Well for one, it's time to face facts: Jerry and I had a great relationship. It's not going to work anymore, because our futures are going in different directions. If I move back then we have to do this again. I don't think I can do that. I accept the friendship he is offering. Sometimes you can love a person so much--but it just won't ever work out. Fate? Whatever. I'm afraid of a lot of silly things-how can I do better than Jerry? Afraid of being alone. Of never having that mental connection be so strong. Oh man. Laughter. Spooning. Smiles.
Regardless of my fears, I have to get past this. I learned a lot. I'm not proud of the person love and desperation have made me in the last couple of months. I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for things I've said and thought.

The hardest part is I feel like I have no one to lean on. All I really want is a hug, and a shoulder to cry on until I can get rid of all this pain and guilt and start new. I want someone to tell me that I'm strong, that I can get through this, that there are amazing things ahead. I can think this all to myself, but it's easier to doubt it. What if what if what now, what then, why not, how so, who?

Of course I don't need to define myself with a relationship. I can do better than that. I'm afraid. I'm confused. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being miles and miles away from of all of my friends. I'm tired of time passing and hopes and dreams.

I may not be here for a few days. This was difficult to write and I'm not sure if it's good thing to post your personal despair on a public site. *sigh* I'm plugging through. I'll make it. Hopefully.