Friday, December 17, 2004

the hell? and other reactions to recent blogs

So maybe some of you are asking yourselves, "why in the world would someone have the gonads to post something like the entry below but not to actually say it in person or privately?"

Yeah, I'm asking myself that too.

So the person in question asked me last night if it bothered me at all to post personal material on a public forum such as my blog. I responded that most of what gets put up here is only half the story, or even coded in some way as to make it not a lie, exactly, but not the whole truth. The feelings and conclusions are the same as the ones in my head, however.

And I would like to add to that the fact that I often use this space as a way of working out these feelings and conclusions. I guess I don't feel like it could be an invasion of my personal space because I believe that most people go through these kinds of things. It's an effort for me to put into words not only for myself, but for others as well.

Most of you that read this are my close friends, anyhow, and even if I only know you through the blogosphere, experience has taught me that bloggers are, for the most part, good peoples. This space evolves into whatever I'm feeling at the moment- political, emotional, impulsive (you guess which one I posted under last night) and I refuse to categorize it. Some blogs are strictly political, others personal, I like to think of Buddha Stew as Story Time. This funny thing happened to me while I was doing my laundry, let's all laugh about it. Human experience is pretty varied, but I have a hunch, a strong one, that a lot of what I go through my friends are going through at the same time. Allow me to be so bold as to think I can articulate certain things for you. That's right, I'm just that good.

But, Lorn, answer us why you put someone in such a tough spot? Isn't it akin to forcing a response and thus, slightly evil and manipulative?

I'm kinda feeling that way right now, by the way.

But I think I did it for this reason: years of blogging have made me into a passive-aggressive exhibitionist.

Whenever I decide I want to post something here, which is often, I look at it from the standpoint, "will it be funny? or will it be touching or nostalgic? will people want to comment on it because it made them think somehow?" And sometimes I do it just to shock or bring things to light. This is my place and it has been for some time- so I guess I feel that if I can say it all, I might as well do it here.

This isn't making much sense to me, either.

As a matter of fact, I'm only making this into a big deal because it's something I do so seldom. Act impulsively, I mean. Aside from up and moving to Texas in July. The reality of it is that I have a genuine respect for someone I've only known for a few days, if you add it all together, and I can see something lasting despite the nature of the relationship. I'm making no demands. I'm quoting Ani Difranco- "now you don't have to ask, because you know how I feel." I'm opening my mouth now because down the line I don't want it to get me in trouble.

At this point many of you might be scratching your heads and wondering just exactly what I'm making such a big deal about, which you have every right to do. I don't like drama, but for some reason I still end up making mountains out of molehills. If you are clueless, ask me.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the pair of jeans and the t-shirt that are currently my only articles of clothing so I can smell somewhat fresh tomorrow. The rest of my apparel is taking a short vacation without me in the Los Angeles airport.