Tuesday, March 21, 2006

some sort of revelation?
changes in the air

I think I came back from Chicago a different person. Well- not really different, but adjusted, I guess. I didn't realize this until I rolled back into Denton, saw my house sitting in the sun, my kitties running up to see me, and a smile from Chuck. I went to lab band and felt relieved and happy to be there. I played with more enthusiasm. I felt comfortable.

It's not that I didn't have a good time in the midwest, or that I wasn't happy to see old friends (Bethany, and Mike! And randomly Miah!), but that I realized I can finally close a few chapters in my life without looking back too regretfully. Yes, I still miss the good times had in Madison, and I miss the people. But when I decided to stop resisting and play the game here at UNT, I also found the niche I needed to be happy. I'm not saying that I'm submitting- hell, it's still Texas- but I guess I am tired of being unsatisfied with my surroundings- and the stress that creates for me.

And things can be better here- so I want to help change them. Still, I'm proud of this place and how I've made it my own, and I'm proud to be at UNT. I'm studying with the teacher I've always needed to have, and I'm making great leaps forward toward my goals. I have amazing friends, great roommates, and someone who cares about me. I'm paying my own way and still getting by. I'm succeeding in my ventures and making a name for myself.

I won't be here forever. Texas is still not the place that I can completely call home- there's too many battles to fight and I just don't love it enough to care. But UNT is something else entirely, I think. It's quirky and a beaucratic nightmare, but it's not hopeless. And most of what I need to remember is that when I move again- for my doctorate, or for a job- it will be hard at first, and I imagine I'll miss Denton. But it'll come full circle again, like it did here, like it did in Madison, like it did even in that brief year in San Diego (however annoying it was that just as I started to make friends and have fun, I moved to Texas and was miserable).

Yeah, life is what you make of it. I know the cheese and the corn is dripping from your screen, but I had to share. I think things will be good, and I'm glad I stopped fighting long enough to see that things really are going well. And all of this came from my relief to be back home from Chicago- to see the people I spend each day with and appreciate their company and private jokes and the understanding we have of each other's silliness.

That, and it's always nice to sleep in your own bed again.