i'm bumming

I don't feel like doing much of anything today, although it's not like I have that much to do anyway. I should do laundry, and clean my room. But I'm clinging to the little bits of Jerry's presence that are still there: the marks on the carpet where his suitcase was, the smell of his shampoo on the pillow, the memory of being held while watching tv. I could practice. I need to exercise. There are plans on the table to hang with Natalie tonight. So far all I've been able to do is curl up and read Pam Ribon's book, Why Girls Are Weird, which is very good and I had a hard time pulling myself away to write this entry. It's a Catch-22, you want to keep reading, but the book inspires you to do your own web journalling.

I've long since realized the folly of wishing I had done things differently this year. Although I could techically go back to Madison, what I really want is to never have left at all. Of course that's impossible. Right now I'm wishing like that again though. Because the time I spend with Jerry is so happy, so carefree...and then it ends? That's not the way...nonono. I hate seeing him on a timeline, I wish that we could live in different apartments in the same town and see each other lots and often, but send each other home when we were annoyed or tired. A week's visit makes me feel like I have to always enjoy myself. Not to say that we are often annoyed-it happens quite seldom in our mutual company-but the small moments where it does happen make me sad beyond belief because I can cure them with private time. I'm worried about the worst-when (what if I don't?) will I see him again? Will we always be happy together like this?

I don't want anyone to be worried about me, by now I've got this kind of depression down to a pat science. I deal. I just have to be careful about wishful thinking.

On a non-related side note, and to proove that I'm not totally curled up in a mental fetal position stuffing Ho-hos into my mouth and mumbling about cat people, can anyone think of a reason why my microwave burrito tastes and smells like it's been soaked in champagne?