blergh

I was pretty much the queen of all fools last night, and in the morning (oh, shit...afternoon) light it's all too shamefully apparent.

It's blatantly goddamn obvious that this person I like doesn't return the feeling. I've known this for a good two weeks or so, and yet I'm still hung up on the whole thing. I'm pretty sick of myself ruining mine and everyone else's evening by going out with the intention of having a good time and then about half way through freaking out and spending the rest of the time moping and whining and looking for pity.

And then last night I added being spiteful and vindictive to that list, and I am not proud.

Convinced as I was that I needed some distraction, the first spiteful act was to call a friend of the party in question, also quite attractive but much more friendly, and make sure they were coming. The intent was to have him show up so I could flirt with him and thereby feel better about myself. That worked well enough for awhile, except that I kept telling other people about my plight with the first guy and mostly negating any positive effects.

When I noticed that the first party was interested in a friend of mine who is in a relationship, I pulled her aside and told her I liked the guy knowing full well she'd support me in that and curb her own flirtations. And it was pretty much a sure fire way of making him feeling shitty, and I'm not going to say that that didn't feel good.

That leads me to the point at which I started to feel badly about all of this and in the midst of a friendly game of gin rummy with the second guy, I blurted out that I liked his friend and inquired to whether or not I was wasting my time. I know the answer to that, no matter what he told me (which was basically 'go for it' but I definitely left some details out of that exchange), so why did I do that? I could be interested in this other guy, but I pretty much blew that. Sheesh.

I spent the rest of the evening sitting forlornly on a couch on the back patio of the party, moaning my stupidity and feeling generally sorry for myself. Ben was kind enough to put up with it and for that I am grateful. An arm around the shoulder can do wonders.

All this and the lesson I've learned? No angst under the influence. I want to go back to the Lorn that was fun and spontaneous at parties, not the nervous, sad sack wreck I've become. This is bloody ridiculous.