bah!

I'm awfully lonely.

I should know better than to do any of the following things:

-Look at my blog archives
-Peruse photo albums
-Attempt to call old friends
-Think

Looking back on this year it seems to me like it was a complete and utter waste of time. I know there are those of you out there getting all geared up to comment with "No, nothing is ever a waste of time, think about the stuff you did that was fun, educational, or profitable..." Before you do, understand that when things are a complete waste of time for me, it all boils down to one thing:

I don't have enough time with friends.

What's the point in reading lots of books if you don't have anyone to share it with? What's the point of money if you can't go out and buy drinks for people? What's the point of fun if most of it was had watching entertaining TV programming or spent reading humorous blogs on the internet?

Okay, I won't be so utterly pessimistic. Here are some of the things that stood out from the academic year 2003-2004:

-Youngblood at Winston's
-Googaloo rehearsals
-Madison in October
-Bela Fleck
-Jerry's visit
-Audition Tour 2004
-Having time to cook
-Conversations with Natalie
-Hillcrest 101

At work Wednesday I had a short conversation with Linda, the director of the swim lessons program, about my plans for the fall and if she wants me to continue teaching all the way until I move. She's a great lady; she was so excited for me and promised to give me her son's contact information. He's a tuba player in Houston, apparently. Anyway, she said one thing that stuck out in my mind, meant as a reason for me to consider joining the Masters swim program (which I am, anyway). Basically it was framed around "well, I know you might not make many friends around here so..." I think it might have been part compliment, part slur on the other employees. I'm not sure. But she's right to one extent; these are all extremely nice people I work with but the combination of our busy teaching schedules and our disparate ages makes it hard to becoming chummy. Nick is fun, but he's so young and it's more like a Strelow friendship (ah, Madison references). Dana is great- but we have different worlds I think.

But whatever. What's my point in mourning this year if it's almost over, anyhow? I've made my decision to kickstart a career, and I'm making plans to implement it (although I'd better get started planning a trip to do interviews, STAT). I should be excited and that excitement should be enough to get me to August, right? The truth is, I go between lots of emotions about Texas, most of them positive (a few of them include anxious, shit-my-pants-scared, and apathetic), but I'm having a hard time looking forward and closing the door on the past. I get this feeling of vertigo when I think about my memories, of college, when I look at my pictures and remember the stories behind them. It's like I can look at the pictures and see the people and then in an instant also see where they are now, and where they are going, and how it gets farther and farther apart from me, from the direction I'm going. Jerry's the most obvious example. Bethany and Emily are another. Not only are they on with their own lives apart from mine, they're leaving each other as well.

All this also fuels my relationship with Davis, because I get the feeling we're thinking about the same things and fearing the same outcomes. We both left Madison behind, and we're both vaguely unhappy. What will everyone else feel when they leave it? What's in store for them?

Adam's leaving for Boston in a month, to start over. Megan's moving to Albuquerque. Marisa might be engaged soon. Lots of people ARE engaged. Or married already. I need life to slow down, NOW.

And me, I'm going to Texas. I have no idea what to expect. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed I'd end up there. Texas. In the midst of this growing apart of the people I have loved, I get to reconnect with Chris and possibly Jason, and that makes me happier than words can say.

Oh man, you could totally make a Brat Pack movie out of this post. I call Molly Ringwald.