Sunday, January 28, 2007

renewals, revivals, and angst in other people's names

You ever have those times, every now again, where you feel generally unattractive and low- for no particular reason other than maybe you're just lonely and sometimes it's hard to get someone to like you in the way you'd like to be liked at just that moment?

I have been feeling that way for a while. It's nothing serious, just a sort of general slump that's a mixture of not having met anyone new that I'm interested in and of watching other people get to hook up and enjoy new company. I think maybe I'm kind of into a few people, but I'm not sure and I'm too apathetic about it to really chase any of them down and see what happens. It's been nice not to be obsessive or neurotic or even just lonely for someone in particular. It's like a little vacation from angst.

Which is why I've sort of let it go and just tried to enjoy myself when I'm out. I'm finding, as I think said earlier, that my wider crowd of people this year is helping me to be more of a social butterfly in some ways. I get to talk to different kinds of people and have all kind of conversations, and that in itself is practice for the next new conversation, and so on and so forth. In any case I know how to be by myself emotionally and I'm not stressing out about it as I might have five years ago. Maturity is a nice thing!

I've definitely been feeling the angst for other people though. People I care about and people I watch curiously from a distance. Living vicariously, I guess you could call it. Maybe that's not as interesting as my own personal dramatics, but oh well. Healthier this way, maybe.

And there's a little bit of pleasure in the thought that maybe something big is around the corner, that maybe I'll get a spark of something new soon after this dry spell- whether it be a spark of inspiration (which I could use, the closer I get to my recital), or a spark of interest, or a spark of intelligence. Something new and something exciting.

That, or Team Impact turns out to be everything I've ever hoped and I give up everything for a life devoted to Jesus kitsch and body builders.