Thursday, April 03, 2008

bringing myself back to reality

It seems like, after a time of those low-down, screaming, anguish filled blues, the upswing is a height dizzying and astonishing. It's a feeling that's a relief after the days of tears and pillows flung at walls, but it's tinged with the sadness it ascended from.

It's nice to know I can bounce back from something so devastating. Having spent six months being the friend of one of the most amazing people I've ever met, having been patient and having that patience rewarded with a real, tender, beautiful relationship, having all of that taken away too soon and suddenly, I find myself surprisingly calm. I'm not healed- I'm not even close to acceptance- but at least I can carry on without feeling like I"ll never smile again.

I am waiting for one more sign to let me know which way to let my heart go. Just one. It is not something I am counting on, but it is something I am wishing for. I think it is a reasonable thing to ask.

Whoever ends up with me for the long haul has to be a patient and understanding person. The career I've chosen doesn't lend toward keeping me in one place for very long- at least not at the start of things. And it requires long hours to myself, and long days on the road, and hard work at every turn. It might not be so reasonable to turn down a long-distance relationship when it might not always be reasonable for me to stay in one place for a long time. I want to- I'm ready to live some place for a good while. To make a home. But I don't know if I can hold that dream too close to me for some time to come- there are too many variables in a musician's life. But I know what I do want. I want someone to fight for me. I want compromise and flexibility in our life's path. I want someone with the courage to examine their feelings for me and make the right decision for everyone concerned. I want the journey to be extraordinary, and fresh, and exhilarating.

Is that too much to ask?