Tuesday, June 29, 2004

foul mood

I'm tired, crabby, enraged, depressed, and the last thing I want to do is blog. I've been feeling like this for several days now, so I might not be around much. My inspiration is low and right now I feel like the most boring, least original, worst blogger on the planet.

I also feel increasingly out of touch (and sad) with all y'all that read here- especially my UW friends. Seems awfully quiet.

Also, I have so little energy to care. I'm sorry. Give books to Pamie. See you in a week or two.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

the heat's rising

Just wanted to say that I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 yesterday, at a 11:45am matinee show that was packed. Jerry does a good job of summing up my sentiments. I can't say that it didn't tell me much that I didn't already know, but it put it all together in a fashion that had me crying at the end.

And you should go listen to Ani's poem Self-Evident (under So Much Shouting/So Much Laughter) if you want even more perspective and righteous anger at the man who would be president.

One more thing: Check out this comic by Lalo Alcatraz. It's quickly becoming one of my favorite reads of the day.

The final quote from the movie:
There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on [long pause]-- shame on you. Fool me- [even longer pause, you can see the smoke coming out of his ears as the wheels turn faster]-- you can't get fooled again.
—George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Friday, June 25, 2004

a thinking woman's meme

A week or two ago Roxanne at Rox Populi posted an Open Thread on Feminism that I've been meaning to respond to (Ms Lauren and Kate reminded me). Here it be, finally.

1. Define "feminism"
Feminism is a way of making sense of the world and its inequalities, not just those dealing with women but those of other cultures, ethnic backgrounds, and class. Honestly, I think feminist thought drives a majority of the change in the world, even if it isn't distinctly defined as feminist.

On a basic level, feminists say that women are the intellectual equals of men and deserve to be treated as such. Feminism is an effort to change the factors of our social environment that keep the woman down, so to speak.

2. Was you mother a feminist?
I don't think she would use the term (a long time listener of Rush "Feminazis Want to Eat My Brain and Have Satanic Rites" Limbaugh) but I know she subscribes to the basic tenets of feminism: women are equals, women should not shoulder the burden of housework, etc. I was raised to be very independent and street smart; it wasn't until I hit puberty that she set in with the standard notions of gender roles (copies of The Rules, invocation of Dr Laura style chastisement) which I fought hard against.

3. Are you a feminist?
Yes. I give you all collective permission to stare at my chest.

4. When did you come to that conclusion (#3) and what factors entered into your decision?
A confession I have to make: Years of secondhand listening to Rush in high school (I hated him, but my impressionable mind still picked up some of his verbal diarrhea) and witnessing my father's own feminist-bashing caused me to be one of those "I'm not a feminist, but..." girls. Tenacious and competitive, I knew I was just as good as the boys and I hated gender injustice. In swimming, band (how can you be a girl trombonist and not be a feminist, even a closet one?), and academics, I overacheived. I was raised to be that way, of course, but I often took it as a personal cause to prove my gender's capabilities.
Only in college, after maybe two days of Women's Studies 102, did I actually apply the term to myself.

5. What are the top five women's issues that require immediate attention?
AIDS and family planning in third world countries (ditch the Global Gag rule and reinstate US aid to UNFPA); rescinding of laws that restrict abortion in the US; proper sex education and the elimination of the sexual double standard; regulation of global trade and companies with sweatshops- most of those workers are women and children; insuring that, whatever the hell we are doing in Iraq, we make it a safe place for women to walk the streets again.

san diego libraries need you!

Pamela Ribon, author of the incredibly hilarious Why Girls Are Weird, screenwriter, comedian, blogger extraordinaire, urges you to help out the San Diego County Public Libraries with a book drive. Many libraries have Amazon wishlists, and especially need children's books. Last year she did the same book drive with the Oakland Library system, to tremendous success.

You can also give donations to the San Diego Public Library Foundation. From the The Library Journal:
A proposed FY 05 $37.7 million budget for the San Diego Public Library, tentatively approved City Council, would be $204,642 less than last year, which means the system would close seven library branches on Sundays, cut materials, and reduce hours elsewhere. According to the San Diego Union-Tribune, the budget for salaries and benefits has increased $2.15 million, so the library will eliminate 20 positions from the budget. One councilman proposed private donations to keep the branches open. The city is trying to balance the budget by cutting $26.9 million in funding for parks, recreation centers, libraries, community centers, police storefronts and a child care program. The council must approve the budget by June 28.

Pamie's entry can be found here. She's holding a contest this year:
And this year I'll throw in a prize. Three donors will receive one signed copy of my book sent to their home. Contest runs until July 25th, one month from today. I'll have stee draw three names at random from every donor to the San Diego County Public Library System through their wishlists. I'll post the three winners names here on pamie.com on July 25th. Good luck!

This is close to home, and the libraries here are dear to me- especially Rancho Bernardo, which has helped me get through this year with plenty of reading and listening material. I'll be taking the time before I leave for Dallas to go through my book collection and see if there isn't anything on a wishlist, or if there is a book dear to me that I feel someone else would benefit from as well. Take the time to read Pam's entry, and think about it- you can get cheap used/new/resale books through Amazon.com for oftentimes under $10.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

musings on billy joel

Listening to my newly acquired Billy Joel album brings back some dusty memories. Step into the wayback machine with me, if you will. Picture Lorn, aged 13, rocking out to the copy of Stormfront her crazy-but-cool uncle Paul gave her during her last visit to Wisconsin.

Now, that's some quality music for a 13 year old (admittedly I was a Billy Joel fan long before that, without knowing it). The delightfully overplayed "We Didn't Start the Fire," the hauntingly sad story of overfished waters in "The Downeaster, 'Alexa'," the rock apology "I Go to Extremes," the touching tribute to international relations "Leningrad," the slow tempo "And So It Goes," the tempestuous title track, and the song that is the inspiration for this post, "Shameless."

The album I bought today, The Stranger, is young Billy ca 1977, and his voice, while recognizable, doesn't have the fully matured vocal quality of 1989's Stormfront. Occasionally I'd hear a lilt that reminded me of a feeling I've long forgotten: the feeling I used to get listening to Billy sing "Shameless" at age 13. It was my first experience with sensuality, with arousal.

I had the biggest crush on Billy Joel. I had no idea what he looked like (this is long before the internet, remember, and I had a bootleg copy of the album), or what his other albums sounded like, or even his life story or personal behavior. None of this mattered, because when he sang "Shameless" I was just that- I'd be bouncing around on my bed singing at the top of my lungs to "I Go To Extremes" but when it was over I'd lie down on the floor and let his voice wash over me (no naughty thoughts now- masturbation was a dirty word to me back then). It was like waves of heat, or cold, but you never know which. It left me weak and satisfied. A musical orgasm, if you will. I haven't listened to the song before writing this post, but I don't need to because I can still hear the way his voice cracks when he says "I'm shameless baby/I don't have a prayer/anytime I see you standing there/I go down upon my knees" and it makes me shudder still. I've gone on to have my little love affairs with other people's vocal tics, sure, but you never forget your first love.

In high school my section leader, Aaron, turned out to be a walking encyclopedia of Billy knowledge, including having the talent to play a majority of the repetoire on piano. He had (has? recently I heard he's playing open mics in town) a nice voice and we used to sneak into a practice room at Palomar college during lulls in rehearsals with the youth orchestra and he'd take requests. I'd ask for "Lullaby," or "Blonde over Blue." I was wise enough to not request "Shameless," knowing not only that no one could do it better, but also that I couldn't afford to love anyone who could sing to my heart like that. Yet.

I haven't turned out to be a Joelhead, or whatever, the only albums I own are Stormfront, River of Dreams (for which I did wait diligently to arrive in stores), and now, The Stranger. These days I have to be in the mood and a little nostalgic to listen; he seems a little dated. Not to say some of his songs aren't timeless, but maybe just that I feel I'm not that innocent anymore. Rock is different now, a little dirtier. Billy stays in that young part of my head, singing to that tweenager just learning what love feels like.

What about you? Who did you fall in love with at age 13?

ooh, she's thrifty, she's just my type

Having cancelled my swim lessons for the afternoon (I have completely lost my voice, which always happens to me when I get colds- although I fought the cold, teaching swim lessons in a loud environment ripped up my already weak vocal chords), I wandered over the Poway SA store to do a little thrifting. I didn't find anything in the clothes section that appealed to me (I've never been one for thrift store clothes anyway). There was a blue velour couch that rocked my world- shame there's no way I can get it to Texas.

I made out like a bandit in the LPs section. You know, LP shopping is give and take- you have to look out for scratches, ripped or damaged covers, the right record in the folder. There were some gems there I wanted to take home (mostly classical, some Elton John) but the actual records were MIA. I did get:

Herb Alpert and the TJ Brass, Going Places
Billy Joel, The Stranger
Chopin, Nocturnes, etc...
Brahms, Piano Concerto No 2
Grieg, Piano Concerto in A minor, Peer Gynt Suite

I salvaged some books too:

Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch
Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegon Summer 1956
EM Forster, A Room with a View

All these for under $8, which totally justifies my butchering of Beastie Boys lyrics.

Reviews forthcoming. I'm currently rereading Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. I read it when I was young, maybe 15, and I hated it. I think it was partly the vernacular speech she uses. That kind of thing no longer bothers me, so I'd like to give it another shot and see if I can appreciate it to the full extent it deserves.

laughter, my anti-drug

A poster in the Feminist community on Livejournal linked to Jacky Fleming, a British feminist cartoonist. Who says feminists don't have a sense of humor?

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

do your good deed for the day

Schwarzenegger is taking a poll on same-sex marriage. To participate, you can call the governor's office at:

916 445 2841.

Select 5 to get to "Hot Issues", 1 for same-sex marriage, and 1 again to support it. Doesn't seem to be any restriction on what state you live in, but if you're in California, definitely do it.

Quick, easy activism you can do sitting down! :)

Sunday, June 20, 2004

sharing the love

If you're a Youngblood fan, don't miss their appearance on NPR:

YBBB live

Listen to how baffled Michele Norris is when Nat starts talking about multiphonics. Man, I can't believe he's leaving the band.

They always sound so tight. What I wouldn't give to be in this group.

Hi Joe Hulbert!

oh, brother

Before Adam left for Boston he gave me his copy of Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America by Dan Savage, of Savage Love fame.

Here's what Dan has to say about the very place I am moving to in less than two months:
Plano is the ugliest place I visited while working on this book. Hell, Plano is the ugliest place I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot of ugly places, from mud-brick villages in southern Egypt, to crumbling, Stalinist apartment blocks on the edges of Moscow, to Gary, Indiana.

Worse than Gary, Indiana? Okay, I been to neither Moscow nor Egypt, but I have been through Gary and I can say safely that Plano has more charm that that. I understand the sentiment, though, because I hand-picked my apartment complex for the bike trail and creek behind it knowing I'd be desperate for a nature getaway in the middle of Square Grid Suburbia, USA.

Planning on spending Halloween in Austin, and next year's ITA Convention in New Orleans.

Oh, and most importantly, I will be in New York next Labor Day for a wedding. Congratulations, Marisa and Dennis! EEEEEE!

and the winner is...

In the category of Best Search Engine Entry to Find Buddha Stew, the award goes to:

"futurama sex fiction amy leela fry gay fuck"

entered by a Polish cartoon enthusiast using Internet Explorer 6.0. S/he was directed to my archives for March 2004. Thanks for stopping by, brief as your stay was!

Friday, June 18, 2004

morning meme-osa

Act your age? (vingt-deux) I think I act too old for my age.
Born on what day of the week? "Tuesday's child is full of grace" heh. There's a laugh.
Chore you hate? I don't really hate any chores. I'm not a big fan of trash collection, I guess.
Dad’s name? Edward Charles
Essential makeup item? not essential, but I like to have concealer on hand.
Favorite actor? Tim Robbins
Gold or silver? Silver
Hometown? San Diego, CA (born: Racine, WI)
Instruments you play? tenor and bass trombone, mandolin
Job title? Lifeguard/swim instructor
Kids? About ten, for a half an hour a week. ;)
Living arrangements? with the parental units. in less than two months to have my own awesome apartment with the awesomest of awesome roomates Chris McGann.
Mom’s name? Kathleen Ann
Need? a full body massage. also hot erotic affairs.
Overnight hospital stays? not that I can remember.
Phobias? used to: those creepy big eyed aliens on Unsolved Mysteries, and Price Clubs (something about large enclosed spaces with large boxes on wobbly shelving units).
Quote you like? "When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all." God, from Futurama
Religious affiliation? does the title of my site answer this question?
Siblings? only the invisible ones I used to make up as a kid.
Time you wake up? 9ish
Unique talent? my near-perfect Wicked Witch of the West impression. Also I can do Steve Urkel.
Vegetable you refuse to eat? peas. ew.
Worst habit? picking at scabs and things. I'm just so fascinated by the healing process that I have to interfere (how very human of me).
X-rays you’ve had? Teeth
Yummy food you make? I think my Pad Thai is quite scrumptious.
Zodiac Sign? A Cancer/Leo cusper. Mostly Cancer, but the older I get the more Leo I become.

Thanks for the time waster go to Erica

Thursday, June 17, 2004

good news should come in threes. what's next?

Chris and I were approved for the totally rockin' apartment in Plano. I can't wait- I plan on painting the walls and I just bought two big Ani D posters for decoration. There will be a kitty, possibly named Sergei (Prokofiev) or Begemot (after the Cat in The Master and Margarita).

Despite my bitching about work, I got a fifty cent raise today. While this is all well and good (and particularly nice), I still feel like there's too much need to ass-kiss. I'm just doing my job, don't make me feel like a twelve year old.

Something else good ought to happen, to round it out to three.

As Davis always does, here is my countdown to major events:
4 days til payday
23 days til Marisa comes to visit
33 days til my birthday (hint)
40 days til the big move
150ish days til the possibility of visiting Jerry in New York arises (Thanksgiving)

testing testing one-two-three

Audblog is now unlimited and free to Blogger users. If they keep offering me cool stuff like picture hosting and audioblogging, I'll never leave. Ally (Blue Laker extraordinaire and one of my favorite campers :) has agreed to design me a special, personalized template, which has got my panties all in knots from excitement.

this is an audio post - click to play

I wonder, do I always slip unnoticed into english accents like that? A coworker told me she always has to imitate the way I say things because she thinks they are so unique. Interesting. Already I've been asked where I'm from several times- yes, Wisconsin. Eh.

With my ear for accents, will I start talking like a Texan? Feel free to shoot me if I do. My hodgepodge California-Wisconsin accent is enough for now.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004


Jerry will be in New York tomorrow. Good luck Jerry! Can't wait to hear all about it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

eat me up

What Flavour Are You? I am Chocolate Flavoured.I am Chocolate Flavoured.

I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You?

stolen lovingly from Roni

Sunday, June 13, 2004

i have work to do

in Texas.


satisfy your inner geek

A new museum has opened in Seatle. Ladies and Gentlemen: the Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame.

squee. They even include Futurama:
The museum explores developments in fictional space travel; one of the coolest sections is an interactive, computer-animated display that mimics a space station. Several ships float past, from the Enterprise and the Millennium Falcon to the Planet Express of the cartoon TV show "Futurama." Visitors can view images of the ships from any angle, learn about their dimensions and features, and see clips of them in action.

As I am currently unearthing my childhood love of fantasy and science fiction, I am incredibly tempted to make a trip to Seattle just to see this place. Oh, and the rest of Seattle as well.

Also, I, Robot is now a movie, set for release July 16th. I just might have to see that...gee, Will Smith likes his sci fi movies, doesn't he?

work-related bitching

[Stopping in to say hi. HI! What have I been doing with my time off, you ask? Lots of stuff. Mostly the money-making kind.

Today I am hurtin', bad, from my signature six-mile hike to the waterfall in Los Penasquitos. Normally the walking isn't so bad, but I went with Nick from Frogs, and he likes to climb things, so when we got to the waterfall we also climbed all over the boulders. Quite fun. My shoulders and back are incredibly sore-
and tomorrow I'm going kayaking, so I'd better rest up.]

Things are Frogs are starting to piss me off ever so. Nick has been reprimanded and had his shifts taken away for a week because of his climbing over things, etc, and it is, in my opinion, a rather shitty thing to do. Before you punish someone for doing something you don't like, shouldn't you give them a warning first? Also, during his talk in the office with "assistant" Pool Manager and Club Manager they said they were "making an example out of him so that the rest of the guards would step up." That doesn't exactly sit well with me, nor does sit sit well with most of the other guards I've talked to. We all agree that it sucks to have a job where you have to watch your back all the time, and contain aspects of your character that might piss off "assistant" PM (I don't really believe he's assisting- I think he's really in charge despite his title). They seem to be real keen on letting things stew and stew until they can build up some self-justified burst of anger and take away your income.

The guard I worked with on Friday night, Mike C (sweetheart if there ever was one), and I made up a list of improvements we'd like to see the new management at Frogs actually take. They talk big- but I remain skeptical of their ability to actually run the well-oiled lifeguard staff they think they can. For example- it makes me incredibly anxious that I got this job without a watertest, and that everyone else was the same way. Seriously- you could apply to this job, make up a few false LGing jobs, and get it. No interview, no nothing. And even if they're not going to test new hires, they should at least hold inservices once a month. At the "inservice" we did have- all talking, and reading from the manual- "assistant" PM blustered on and on about the need to have hard-working, skilled guards, no mistakes at all. A couple of years back this pool had a drowning- and they're determined it won't happen again. So am I, for that matter, which is why I have a few suggestions for Frogs.

-Bimonthly inwater inservices, with scenarios, lifeguard olympics, team building exercises, and water polo. I want to know the people I'm working with will know to get the backboard when I go in after a spinal, and that they'll know how to work it.

-New equipment including plastic (not wood! too heavy and awkward!) backboard with snaps (not velcro! too weak!, and brand spankin' new rescue tubes, like the kind we had at the Nat with the anti-pick surface (Idle hands destroy the fluffy interior of tubes).

-New shared uniform supplies, including lifeguard parkas and club-bought suits (suits are expensive, and if you're going to have a color/style requirement, you should buy the friggin' things like HCW does), shorts, whistles, and tshirts.

-A more complete and detailed introduction to our specific duties around the pool deck besides surveillance- ie what maintenance we are expected to do, what pool cleaning responsibilities we have, and how to handle chemical emergencies with our specific equipment.

Hell, I should run this bloody pool.

Mike and I wrote these all down, plus a few other issues, that he is going to type up and have the rest of the staff sign to present to PM and CM. I'm thinking about discussing some of these issues (especially the inservice one) with them before it comes to that- because I feel they are extremely important and also that I have sufficient guarding experience to bring to the table and they should make use of it. Now, the management treats their guards like insolent teenagers, beating around the bush when they want you to do something and talking behind your back when they're "concerned" about your performance. I don't need shit like that- I know my job, and I'm there to do it to the best of my ability- tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. In the meantime, trust that I have experiences that lead me to make certain decisions, and they are just as valuable as anyone else's. If you want respect- give it. Dammit.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

hot stuff!

Strange Sisters: an archive of lesbian paperpack artwork.


from the inimitable Erica

Monday, June 07, 2004

just a warning

Lately I'm feeling apathetic about the things I usually love doing- blogging, reading, checking my email- so I might take a little break. If you don't see much of me here don't panic, likely I'll get over it in a few days and come back with some exciting tidbit.

But it's the time to be outside, and to be active. Next Monday I'm going kayaking with Heidi from HCW and soon enough Nick and I are going hiking. Katie and I will be headed to the Martini Ranch on Wednesday night and Shaun's having a graduation party on Saturday.

Don't be fooled by my name dropping- Katie'll be back in Indiana soon enough and Nick's on vacation until after I move. Natalie should be done with school soon, and Dan at that. Never mind me though, I'm just mentally rounding people up to help me celebrate my birthday.

Only 7 more weeks til the big move. Can't fuckin' wait.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

hero worship

As you all likely know by now, Former President Ronald Reagan died today. I celebrate this death because it means the end of long years of suffering for his family, watching someone they loved slip away and leaving an empty shell. My grandmother has Alzheimers- it's a disease that robs you of your soul much like the Spectres in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy (which you all should read).

While my condolences go to those near to the Reagans, I must at the same time denounce the hero worship that surrounds such a figure. Made legendary by the news media, by politicians, by an American people willing to blind themselves to truth, Reagan really did...what?

Now, this is not a post to shake fingers, to say that he did nothing good for America, because it is impossible for one person to satisfy everyone. I know little about his policies, his presidency- being born the year he was initially sworn into office I spent the blissful ignorance of my childhood in the Reagan era. What reading I have done has cited the mistreatment of women's rights and reproductive freedom by the Reagan administration, and the willful disdain of the AIDS/HIV threat.

My dad asked me today what my thoughts were on President Reagan, and I told him basically what is in the paragraph above. Naturally, I was discounted and harangued with hero worship. Reagan brought down the Berlin Wall (in memoriam, I have watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch and dedicated it to Reagan's memory), Reagan created a booming economy.

I know very little about these things. I do know, however, that each person in his or her life does a world of good and a world of bad in the same breath. This CEO gives to charity, but his product is made by third world workers in unliveable conditions. This president speaks of freedom and inspires people to believe in the power of their country, yet enslaves the people of other nations under the same speech.

It's no secret, I think our value systems in this country, in the greater capitalist world, are out of whack. Our priorities ignore lives, our ambition creates poverty in its wake. Each person in power in our society has a duty to uphold that system of power, whether they like it or not. Society is thick and convoluted, and works to set up one shining figure above the rest (or one dark horse, or one evil dictator) that will distract us from the true problems (like birds we are attracted to shiny objects, like cart horses, we wear blinders). Thus, when one of them dies, we bow down and pay homage to the puppet while the director moves unseen.

I choose to break the cycle tonight. There will be no mourning here, except for the countless millions upon billions of people who have died for "freedom", for "economic security", for "moral obligations", for "consumer satisfaction". Reagan is as guilty as Clinton or Bush, or you or I, who do nothing to stop it because we are held back by the bonds of enforced memorial. We are all guilty, we are all dying, and like a sufferer of Alzheimers, we are forgetting.

sugar water

i think buoyancy is a great word.

it jives rather well with the feeling i have right now...buoyant, content.

and that ani d line: "because humility has buoyancy, and above us only sky..."

the feeling could hold me up in water if it wanted to.

the other word of the day is indignant.

how great it is to be indignant sometimes, how powerful. how anger makes you see some things clearer and others less important- how anger moves you to act beyond your conscious self.

thus earlier this evening i was indignant, and it has given way to buoyancy.


Friday, June 04, 2004

life lessons learned through the power of trombone

See, I am an amusing drunk, which means you all should take me out for drinks more often.

I have completely and totally wasted this day. I start swim lessons at 3:15, and it would behoove me to straighten my room, practice my trombone, do some yoga, etc., however, I have done nothing except surf the Internet and reread Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

This is totally in violation of the valuble trombone lesson I had yesterday with Sean Flanigan, professor of trombone at Drake University.

Unprepared as I was, he was understanding and kind, and we worked on a plan for my getting back into shape and preparing myself for graduate school for real. This included him instructing me to get in touch with JK, an adjunct prof of trombone at Univ of North Texas, and to keep in touch with him as he is finishing his doctorate work there. Also using Jason as a connection, this means I have a fairly strong in at UNT, which is exciting to say the least.

I played a little of the Ewazan Sonata for him, and he was kind enough to ignore my technical flaws and focus on the musicality and expression of the piece that could be improved in my rendition. We were talking about the style of Ewazen's music, his neo-romanticness and taste for melody, and I played a little of the smoother sections with what I hoped was my best expression.

Seems like these things always fall a little flat. "Let go" he says, "you know what you want it to sound like but you hold back, why?"

Then he encouraged me to think back on a time that I have let go, and the results I got from it. Immediately I remembered my masterclass performance of the Hindemith- Balls to the wall on that one, I was, at the expense of solid tone and perfect attacks. But I still count it as one of my best performances, because it is one of the few times I can say that I actually did what I meant to do. Round that time of my life I was starting to get a feel for living- actually, honestly living- and I made a resolution that was perfectly expressed by the in-your-face attitude of the Hindemith.

I related this story to Sean and he nodded, saying "you see, you're willing to do this. You've got to live your life that way." He went on to explain that only when we put all our cards on the table do we get a good look at our flaws, and only when we can see them clearly can we begin to fix them. There's no shame in a few cracked notes or a double buzz- I know how to fix those easily- the hardest part is letting go.

Those words ring in my ears today. "You've got to live your life that way"- that way. It's time to take risks, and use my head, and take the bad with the good. It's like sitting in Nick's truck yesterday, talking about nothing in particular, and letting his cigarette smoke swirl around my head. I felt dizzy, and happy, and confused- but most of all alive. Itchy for action. Ready to go, get the hell out of Dodge, live large.

Of course it all has to come back to trombone at some point or another, but how else do I learn expression for emotions I've never experienced? If I want my poems to be any good, don't I have to have a launching pad? If I want my recitals to be inspired, I need to know where to begin.

Still, I've done nothing about it today. It might need a little more time to sink in, but it's Friday night, and we'll see what happens. First things first- practice.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

i know you want to be amused

so here's your drunk post, from me to you. happy birthday!

i had a handful of martinis at the martini ranch. suddenly the world is right again. i own lots of things with rainbows on them. hi everyone! i like boys and girls! that's totally bi!

i am so going to regret this in the morning. thankfully i'm not so drunk i can't correct my typos.

children, i am still mad at mr cole for screwing me over in high school while he was worshipping jeff watkins pansy ass. damn. i can play the trombone ten times better than that dude any day.

and i'd better play it well tomorrow because I have a lesson with Sean Flannigan. Hm. What to play?

whoa. i need a girlfriend. where's jerry?

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

miscellany (my favorite word)

I sat in with the Hidden Valley Middle School band concert tonight, which was fun and brief (the best kind of middle school concert). It was nice of Jeff to say that I was applying and had hopes of going to graduate school, even though he knows that whole deal has gone up in flames. I guess he wasn't sure what else to say about me, since I have no major accomplishments in the music world thus far.

In a strange twist of fate, I have been waitlisted at McGill. However, their letter says they will notify me of changes in "late spring." I think they'd better get on that. Only 20 days left. Too bad I won't be going, or something. I fail to care anymore.

I was not scheduled at all to lifeguard at Frogs for the next two weeks, a fact that has me rather angry and confused. It seems the leadership there would like to play games with the staff, lecturing us about responsibility and work ethic yet failing to keep their own standards high. Also, they are never at the pool. I failed to find Jamie today when I went to teach, and Will could do nothing to help me. I am confident this scheduling error is a misunderstanding (after all, I have been in and out of the area lately), but it comes on the heels of my being left off the staff phone list (because it was a summer list, and they thought I was leaving in June, not July). I'll hold my breath though, for a while, because they've got a long way to go before they get as bad as Rick the Dick.

Bathing suits are expensive, but thankfully HCW is on the ball enough to buy them for us (another beef with Frogs). I invested in this swim/surfing shirt thingy because I am tired of the beach entry at Frogs tearing my suits to shit and giving me the baggy boob effect.

It's summertime in southern California, which means I have dusted off my Sublime CDs. What kind of music do you listen to the most in summer?

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It's so quiet in here. Like throwing a pebble down a well. Of course, these days every room seems empty if it doesn't have Jerry in it, so I might be cruelly biased.

Talk at me people, and I'll listen. What's up?