Tuesday, September 30, 2003

stupid embouchure, stupid airstream. stupid me not being able to play stupid trombone in a smart way. gr.

I liked this headline from the Onion:

Of course I didn't practice today. Or exercise. i am a sack of beans. My throat still feels funny and I'm very sleepy. I want a friggety-fucking job, for crying out loud. Give me some damn energy.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. grr.

Monday, September 29, 2003

I have added, at left, the link to the coolest band ever that I am in (ha gotcha there), which is Googaloo. We have a gig! My first gig (well not really, but okay, whatever). It's a halloween party (which isn't on halloween). I don't think we're getting paid, but I think we get free drinks and stuff. Whatever.

Anyway I would like to apologize for the very depressing posting I did last night. Everything will be okay at some point and I just get used to having lots of time in which I can do other things, like practice (groan). Because that's not always the case when social activity is present. Most of the time my horn loses out. So I will shush my whiney mouth and get on with it. Speaking of, I should actually practice...

you know what's a funny word? peanutweasel. hahaha

I am so so so lonely. I'm trying hard to reach out to people I know here, but it's difficult, everyone's got a life and there's no room for me to barge in, lay out all my loneliness, and expect friendship. I miss everyone in Madison and I'm longing for the day when miraculously Jerry and I can have a phone conversation that lasts longer than 10 minutes, and without awkward pauses. Life is going on without me and I'm stuck here, no progress, no love, no nothing. I thought maybe by this week I would have a job and be teaching, but neither happened, and I don't want to bother Sean again, I know he's busy, and he can't be responsible for setting up my musical life.
I keep telling myself that this is just a transition, next year it will be go go go and I'll have people and work and life will take me with it. But it's so hard, because I've spent so long being a social person and needing people to share moments with...Jerry tells me he wants me to be happy. All I want is a friend to share some conversation with in person, someone who'll take me out of the house and wake me up and shake the cobwebs off of me. And it's not like I'm not going out myself, and looking for people. I just feel really...lost. I can practice and exercise all I want, but that doesn't add up to companionship. And I have this cell phone, I prostituted myself to the cell phone industry, but why? No one ever calls it. It's not like I need it to keep track of my busy social life. My parents have a phone line, and that'd be free for me to use. What's my deal? It's become the symbol of my loneliness. Cell phone, sitting silently. It looks at me like I'm crazy. It just wants to be used. Talked to. It wants to be busy. Kind of like me, too.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

I forgot to mention two things:


I am visiting Madison over halloween!!
This may be dangerous as I still desperately want to move back. Sigh.

i'm sad. philadelphia is a sad movie. *sob*

well i have hippocrappy oaf rehearsal tomorrow and i'm going to stand up for my right to not be bored or annoyed and tell them to find a different 'bonist.

also!!! my parents are going to palm springs, randomly, until tuesday. HURRAY I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!!! now if I only had someone to share it with, like friends. Sigh.

kind of weird, but jerry was all sickly yesterday and now i'm feeling a very bad vibe coming the region of my throat. and i'm getting all achy. no good. what i'm wondering is where would such an illness be contracted from, as i am not in contact with anyone except my parents. grr. maybe jerry is telepathically sending me sickness since he knows we can't physically infect each other any more.

i am going to go sob for a while about philadelphia, then i am sleeping.

Friday, September 26, 2003

Andre Previn looks like the albino from The Princess Bride.

That is all.

Jerry has started a new and different blog, which is now what the link at left will take you to. happy reading.

Man, I am having the strangest dreams...really cool dreams, but where the fuck are they coming from? Last night I dreamt I was a twin, and my brother could fly and I could run really fast. Only we were in trouble for something big, and trying to escape. But my brother got knocked out and I had to put him and all our belongings in a shopping cart and run to a hotel. And there was lots of lightning everywhere. In my dream I was having trouble thinking of a hotel in RB. I still am. Is there even a hotel in RB? Hm. Might be useful to know if I ever get in trouble and have to stuff everything into a shopping cart and go.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Isn't it kind of funny the way deodorants all die the same death?
As you pop off the lid, the oval-shaped remainder of your depleted anti-perspirant flies majestically through the air and lands at your feet, cracked and broken, as though that flight were its one last attempt at greatness. It can no longer be stuffed back into the container, as has been done once or twice before, but only scraped up from the floor and tossed away. Oh deoderant, what wonders did you carry with you, nevermore to be revealed? Shall I ever grace my armpits more with your sweet scent?

well last night I got call from Lenny (in Googaloo, the band that I LIKE) apologizing profusely for not telling me that they had for this week changed the rehearsal to Wednesday night. Could I come? Oh sure, what was I doing besides watching the Recall Candidates debate? (This whole thing is very stupid. I am NOT voting for Arnold) So anyway, I packed up my stuff and headed over. It was a good rehearsal. I played a few really bad solos, because as you may know, I have had no practice or training whatsoever in improv. Gr. It will get better, I just need to think a little bit while I'm soloing and not just start playing notes. The just playing notes part will come. Anyway, this group is fun, I really am glad I'm in it. After we took a break we jammed again, like last week. This time I really just focused on the notes and played a couple of licks that were almost not square. Hehe. Oh, and I correctly identified the chords without having to be told. I really think somewhere hidden in my dense musical head is a perfect pitch rockstar. Or at least really kicking relative pitch.
I chatted with Natalie online yesterday, and realized that she's coming home in December already! I thought she would be in France all year. Well, that's cool, because I know Natalie will hang out with me. :) I called Dan but I know if I want to do anything with him I will have to keep calling until I actually talk to him.
After I got home from rehearsal I watched Mullholland Drive. Ok, I missed the first half hour. Is that bad? because I am totally confused. I mean...what the fuck?!?!?
It freaked the shit out of me.
Anyway, I'm mostly just passing time because I'm staking out my AIM. For some reason, although I clicked the button that says "start AIM when internet starts" to NOT do that, it still does. Or so I think. It hasn't come on yet, leading me to believe that perhaps it is something my parents are doing accidentally.
Well, I give up. I slept in way late today, I should go swimming but maybe I will do that tonight. I should do yoga too but I've lost some motivation to do all the things I've been religiously doing the past too weeks. I knew it, the motivated stage has given way to my characteristic lazy bum stage. Push through, girl!! rrrrowrrrr!

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

i want a kitty!!!

this is the one downside to living at home.

i want a kitty!!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

At right, please notice that I have added Jessie's beautiful journal to my links. Please click and enjoy her adventures in Glasgow.
The funny thing is, now I have all of Jerry's sibling's names on my link list, even if they aren't really his sisters. So Jennii Jessie and Jerry. Hah! That crazy family with the J names.

I'm super starving because I went off to a yoga class this morning and didn't eat. My parents want me to go up to Dana Point for lunch with them. Well. That's very nice. But I think they are gluttons for punishment. I mean, we'll just get cranky with each other and I'll be mad because dad will do something or say something and if I comment on well then I'm the bad guy and mom will sulk, or try hard to be cheerful and it will all go to hell. I'd rather stay. I'm not prepared to make conversation this morning, partly because I have not much to say and I don't want to talk about my friends back at UW because that will make me sad. Grr.

So of course it will hurt their feelings if I say I don't want to go, but it will be torture if I do. I was planning on getting a haircut and practicing.
I'm being so good about playing my horns! (knock on wood) I'm up to about two hours a day. Of course last night was extremely frustrating. I think I may be pushing my chops a bit hard, but it's good for them. Get in shape dammit! I need to get into a good grad school.

I applied for work at Borders. I have a good feeling about this one, but of course that doesn't mean much. I just think maybe finally someone will hire me. I'm pissed about the lifeguarding gig because I am MORE than qualified for it. Grr. Look, I just want a job, ok? So I can spend the money on things like music and cds and plane tickets to wisconsin. Or Scotland :) Grrr

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

okay, so i guess i was deep and introspective on my last blog.
can't promise that everytime!
well I've decided to give it a go here in SD for a while, even though I get terribly unhappy when i think of Madison and talking to Jerry on the phone or IM is like pulling teeth (come to think of, most of my trying to talk to jerry is like pulling teeth)....I guess I can be a bum for a year. Anyway, Sean called me and is going to help me get set teaching private lessons, and he's going to help me with grad school auditions. So I'll be busy doing that (now that I've picked up my dusty trombone again, I'll have a lot of work to do!). Also I posted my info on a website, and so far two bands have asked me to be their trombone player!!! So as long as I'm busy and playing, I think I'll be okay.
In the meantime I am occupying myself with cleaning out my room and closet. I've decided to live at home for a while since I don't think I can afford living expenses on top of car and food and credit card expenses. Oh well. I rearranged my furniture and tossed a whole ton of stuff (including my desk, which will be sold at a garage sale along with most of the contents of my childhood toy collection). Today I am tackling the closet. Once I have cleaned the closet, I can tackle the immense load of stuff that I brought back from school that is still sitting, packed, in the family room taking up space. So my parents should appreciate that.
As interesting as that is...
Well it's time to practice.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Well well well (deep subject)
Inspired by Davis, I have revived good old Buddha Stew. I guess it never really went under; like a good and faithful companion it has remained, quietly, uncomplaining until the day I would again take up the reigns and write silly random stuff again.
And why I am I back?
Well, for one I am extremely bored, and lonely. I have returned to San Diego after spending a summer at Blue Lake, before which I graduated from the prestigious University of Wisconsin-Madison with a degree in Music Performance (trombone). Several reasons prompted me to leave my dear Madison behind, most of which are rather shady and I'm beginning to think it was a bad idea in the first place. I mean, right now I'm living at home, jobless, friendless, gigless, counting the hours until I get a place, job, friend, gig. Meantime I am thinking casually about graduate school (in which case I should practice) and considering the possibility of putting all my stuff back in the Contour, saying "fuck it" to this damn expensive and overpopulated city, and heading back east to *gasp-dare I say it?* the place that I now consider home.
Yes Wisconsin. Now how, you ask, could any self-respecting California girl reject the land of Dreams and Beautiful Blue Ocean Vistas for the land of Cheese and Farms?
My answer:
You've obviously never spent a good amount of time there. I am sick of the question. Go stick your head in a goat's butt.
Perhaps you are wondering from wither come all this unmitigated hostility?
My answer: You are a tool. I could use to hammer up my shelving units.
Alright, enough of that. My brain has been wandering around and around in my skull searching desperately for something else to think about, but that's hard. What's life about anyway? Where's my direction, my purpose? Do I have any? Should I be talking or should I shut up and throw back a cold one (berghoff, please) and join the rest of America in not questioning, not caring, not giving a shit about anything? Why not watch the damn reality shows and the damn dating shows and the damn reality dating shows?
The answer is:

what a headfuck this is, eh? Of course I could wander on an on but where would I get. I want to go home. I want Jerry and the cats and Scanner Dan and Expresso and Himal Chuli and the lounge and drunken football games and...
hell I guess I want to be a college student again.
Well I said I would be. Next year. So what's stopping me from sitting on my stupid tush for a year until I get to go off and start over? Why not waste time?
Answer, please.