Wednesday, October 29, 2003

tomorrow is another day...

But it's the day I'll be in Madison! HURRAY. Excellent. I can hardly wait.

Well, we've been trapped inside for three days as most everything is closed and besides it's too smoky and ashy to go outside: air quality is super low. Today is better-I can see the sky and the smoke clouds are father away. However, yesterday was terrible. The little village of Cuyamaca was entirely wiped out by the fire and today Julian (home of excellent apple pies) is being threatened. They're not expecting this fire to be entirely contained until mid-November. Lord.

In my sitting at home time (I must admit, it's not much different from what I usually do; the only difference is both my parents are home and tensions high-another story entirely) I have been exploring the world wide webberverse (thanks, Jake Morgendorffer, for that classic) of feminism. I've been frequenting the (s)hitlist at Bitch Magazine and reading a blog from another Lauren who has some very insightful things to say about just about everything.
I've also ploughed through Slut by Leora Tanenbaum, which we had to read sections of for WS102. It's an excellent book, and man, it makes me wish I could change the way high schools operate in terms of sexuality and gender roles. I was lucky enough to escape a lot of harassment in HS, but I know I was affected by the attitudes of "good" girl and "bad" girl and desperately fought to suppress all notions of sex and any feelings I had sexually. At the same time, though I desperately wanted boys to notice me and measured my self worth in those terms. I think I came out on the good end of things: I did well in school and valued my girlfriends first and foremost (there were those moments where we were all jealous and vindictive at some point, though) and had my own opinions and so on. But so much time was wasted worrying about boys, when I could have been doing so many other worthwhile things. I dunno. I'm not as bad as some. I carried it with me into college and ironically only started to see past that when I actually had a boyfriend. But that's why being with Jerry is so awesome-we built a relationship built on each other's strengths. Plus I took Women's Studies and man, what an eye-opener. So I've started back in on The Gender Knot, Allan Johnson (which should be required reading for EVERYONE), which is quite a task. But it certainly raises awareness of patriarchy and how it is so complex and hard to break down--basically because people won't acknowledge it. They think feminism is at its end because, look how much progress there's been. Women have sexual freedom (ha! One look at the Kobe Bryant rape case will tell you that there's still sexism hard at work), have important positions in companies, etc. But how much of that is just tokenism, and how much have people's opinions really changed? Look at commercials. Gender roles are still rigidly enforced. "Momma's got the magic of Clorox bleach." Any beer commercial. Men drink beer, women want them. And what about sitcoms? Lots of stay-at-home moms there. Now, of course you can stay at home and be a feminist. Feminism gives you the right to choose your lifestyle. But I think advertising and media plays an important role in showing people how they should behave. A woman on the Bitch shitlist made a good point: In the last twenty years our culture has gone from being a patriarchy society to a consumer society that is built on the tenets of patriarchy. So, basically, things may have changed but advertisers and media execs market patriarchal views (such as "momma's got the magic") because they're relying on statistics that show them women stay at home, women, even if they do work, do all the cleaning and laundry and cooking. And why would men want to? They're being told that this is, has and always will be women's work. With commercials out there showing only women doing these things, would the average Joe (homophobic, manly, however else stereotypically you want to think of him) go out and buy, and then subsequently use, Clorox bleach? Maybe more enlightened husbands and fathers do. But there's still a prevailing attitude out there that says who does what and how.
Then I read this TERRIBLE article, linked from another site, about how women "can't have it all" and are choosing more and more to be stay-at-home moms. No mention in the article is given to how fathers play a role in this phenomenon. To me it suggests this: Women are staying home with children because more and more they are being made to feel guilty about not doing so. About being "bad" moms. I don't think there's as much societal pressure out there to be a "good" father. Plus, it's very hard to find a company that will offer paternity leave but every company is required to have maternity leave. What's up with that? So we're still stuck in the conception that men hunt and bring home meat, and women gather grasses and raise children? I think that's exactly what it is. And let's get into this cult of the "real man," shall we? That backlash to feminism that says, "oh no, now you're discriminating against men, boo hoo, look at us poor men, now women won't drool all over us and make us dinner, whimper whimper." The same cult that says let's stop all this now, you've had enough change, look at all the women execs, etc etc etc. The same cult that says any show of emotion, any weakness is feminine, and therefore homosexual (I've never really followed that logic, it always seemed to me the weakest link in the homophobia justification).
I could go on and on. I'm sure I've pissed off someone (you liberal feminist bitch you! you deserve to be raped! i bet you're ugly and fat too!) but that's the way it goes and those people don't know how to argue anyhow. I don't hate men. There, I've said it. I think men are great. I think the men I know are great, and I respect and admire them to the end of the world. What I don't think is great is setting up gender rules and expectations. I don't think it's great to being having a good conversation with a guy and then realize that he's just nodding and looking at my chest (translation: there's a time and a place for flirtation). I don't think it's great to be thought weak or stupid, to be expected to clean up after a man, to look sexy but only for the gaze of men, and to only want it when they do. All of these things have no place in the social order: they are concepts that you define for yourself and within the boundaries of relationships and daily life. Society has no business telling me what I should be. Only I have that business. That's what feminism is for me.

the "women can't have it all" article.

Monday, October 27, 2003

who needs a scapegoat?

I think it's despicable that there always has to be someone to blame. It always has to be someone's fault, people are unable to accept things as they are. They want someone whom they can lash out at, sue, slander, hate. Just so they don't have to get on with their lives and face facts.

There's still a lot of danger from the fire but the wind has died down and some people have been allowed back in affected areas. So now we've got the finger-pointers, the people who want justice served. So some guy was lost in the wilds and lit a signal fire, supposedly. So he's been arrested. Now, sure it's a dumb thing to light a fire when surrounded by dry, scrubby brush. But here's the thing:

dry scrubby brush wants to be set fire to. It's that time, and nature wants to clear things out a bit. So there's been no rain, and along comes a Santa Ana with enough dry strong winds to fan any, I repeat any sparks there might be. It doesn't take much. These are all natural environmental fires. Also, there are fires raging all over southern California. You can't tell me and expect me to believe that a hunter in Eastern SD lit a fire that burned down Ventura county. Bullshit. I know that they suspect arson in some of the fires up in LA. But this isn't arson, this is just a dumb fuck who got scared and did something stupid. I hope that people are calm and sane enough to understand that he cannot be held responsible for all of the damage that's been done. This is a combination of factors that would have happened even if human hands weren't involved. A bit of broken glass in a bush, the sun reflects off of it, and boom, that bush is on fire. It's easy enough to create scenarios where someone doesn't actually LIGHT the fire to see that this was going to happen.

Also, people are blaming Governor Davis. Now that's just plain ridiculous. I am sick of this state that so obviously thinks that all of its problems are caused by one man. I saw on the news one guy say "Aren't you glad you voted for Arnold?" You sir, I know you will never read this, but you sir, make me sick. You make me want to vomit all over your stupid head. So he and some other nitwits think that Davis withheld some government airplanes that could have helped. So Davis gets on and says that basically he's doing what he can but those planes are under federal jurisdiction and he can't just send them off where he wants. And then the fire chief gets on and says, with or without those planes there's not much we could have done. It's so out of control, with the wind, that some things are out of human hands. I don't understand why people can't just accept this. We live on an unpredictable planet, but we've gotten complacent. We want to know that we'll never die, we'll never be inconvenienced, and if we are, well then it's somebody's fault that they didn't stop it. I think that's a lazy way of thinking and I think it's cowardly. Suck it up. Fire is unpredictable, it's dangerous, and in this environment, it's uncontrollable.

I think it's terrible that people have lost homes and memories, cars, even lives. This is definitely a catastrophe. But (except for lives) these things can be replaced or rebuilt, if you have the courage to understand that you have yourself, you have your family, and that's what counts. Please don't place blame, unless it's perfectly obvious that someone fucked up and it caused your personal loss. Do not, for the love of Buddha, go blaming the firefighters like that dipshit in Crest, who lost like six properties (ok, that does suck, but what are you doing with six properties?). He's got it in his head that his homes could have been saved but the firefighters weren't competent, or something. Let's look at the bigger pictures, shall we? There are fires EVERYWHERE. Not just at your house. They are stretched thin as they'll go, and part of the reason they were unprepared is that some of our resources were sent north to help with fires in LA and Orange County.

This is no one person's fault. This is the result of a combination of factors that couldn't be prevented and we have to accept that, and understand that nature is bigger than us and it will kill you. So deal with it, or get the fuck out of the way. Take a little time to be thankful for what you have, not what's been taken from you.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

san diego is burning...

no, seriously, it is. well, the eastern portion. scripps ranch and mira mesa. crazy mad fires everywhere. ramona. the sky is orange. the freeways are closed. ash is falling everywhere. it's windy as fuck.

after the gig last night (which went pretty well i think, except for being shoved into a tiny loft with a railing exactly at the right place for slide discomfort), I drove over to Adam's in El Cajon, as he was having a party. Got pretty wasted. Ugh. I really don't want to ever be that tore up again. I talked to Chris Galaviz, which was weird. He tried to get me to go home with him, which was annoying. Anyway, it's strange (and kind of crappy for him) to be graduated from college a whole year before my freshman section leader. He's three years older. Oh well. It was nice to talk trombone for a while but I'm definitely done with random high school people for a while.

anyway, so i spent the night at Adam's and woke up the next morning to this. fire, everywhere. Getting home was a nightmare. I15 closed down at Balboa Ave, so I took that to 163, which closed two miles later at the 52. That whole corridor, from Miramar to RB, is just shut down. So I had to go to the 805 and hook up with the 5 (wow, we have a lot of damn freeways), at which point I cheated (otherwise I would have had to take 5 to 76 to 15, which is the freeway equivalent of making a U-turn in SD) and took Del Dios back to Escondido and then down. (Del Dios, for my non-SD readers, is a little strip of a road that winds around from the west, Del Mar, to the east, Escondido. In my area of the city, if you want to get to the coast you either have to go way south and then west, or north and then west. you can't just go west, because of the endangered natcatcher. long story. Del Dios is kind of a short cut, and it's very pretty. takes you past such historical sites as the Del Mar racetrack and the Heaven's Gate house) Anyway, it's all crazy and my mom's worried, she said she could see -SEE- flames from the grocery store. That's scary. If it gets any worse we might be told to evacuate, although I don't think we're in any real danger. The problem in the areas with the fire is the scrub, the dry brush and the big eucalyptus tress. Scripps Ranch is pretty much drowning in trees. Jessie's family lives there, so I'm concerned about them.

Brush fires are always a problem out here, and this one's pretty big. It's hard to contain because there are many small fires and the wind is out of control, so new ones keep starting. Lots of houses have already burned and more will go, for sure.

well, i'm going to go drink 823987 more glasses of water. and try not to barf.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

data, sometimes a just a cake.

Yeah, so I just watched the final episode of Star Trek TNG. Well not all of it (plus I think I have it lying around on tape somewhere) but anyway that was WEIRD AS FUCK. But cool. That was a good show and I don't care if I'm a nerd for saying it (Davis will support me on this one). I remember watching that when it aired with Megan, and us getting a kick out of the line, "with mint frosting." Also how Warf looked so uncomfortable holding that cat. Har har.

I am DYING to leave this house. All I want, I've realized, is to be LEFT ALONE by my parents. That means no questions, no TV on at all hours, no doing chores unless I feel like it.

Okay. So I'm being unfair. But I have adjusted to living without them and I have come to realize that I enjoy living someplace where I know I will not be bothered. It gives me a chance to recoup after a long day, wake up in an early morning, and do whatever I please as far as cooking, cleaning, sitting on my ass, masturbating, whatever. Right now I reeeeally, REALLY want my own place. For my own sanity. And for their mental health. Please. Buddha. Argh.

The thing is, I'm not totally anti-social. But I think the cats can attest to this: I need my solitude sometimes. It helps me be social at other times. It's not like I'm always holed up, and it's not usually for any particular reason. Sometimes I just gotta be alone. And here, at home, it's in your face all the time, "What's new? what did you do today? how's Jerry? Talk to anyone from school?" And on and on. And I know they're not being nosy, or trying to annoy me, it's my fault for being crabby and not wanting to talk to anyone.

Ironically, of course, I don't want to be lonely or alone all the time, which is what is happening now. So you think I would crave those few moments of human interaction with my dear and loving parents. But for some reason it just makes it worse. I'm grateful for the free place to stay and the free food and everything, but at the same time I itch at being so indebted to them. As if I didn't already owe them for 22-odd years of school, toys, books, music, university, trombones, etc. I'd like to be self-sufficient, because I know I be, so right now my pride is taking some blows. I think I'm going to have a hard time making it a whole year. I'm thinking about shortening it, maybe going back to Madison next summer if it ends up I'm going to school back in the midwest. I know I can get a job working the city beaches (sounds like i'd be the lake hooker, or something, doesn' it?) and if Jerry goes to BL I can sublet. And if he doesn't well then for sure someone else I know will be subletting, but whatever. These are just idle fantasies and I'm dying to get out of the house even temporarily, so I'm going to do what I usually do in such cases, and go to Borders to get myself some o' dat fine chai they got over dere.

what dreams may come

ONE MORE WEEK! one more week and I will have friends again. Weeee. :)

Anyway, yesterday I finally took that water test for the Poway lifeguarding job. I rocked it! Oh yeah. Actually it was pretty easy. I think I should be good to go for the job, and I'm totally happy about it. I had forgotten how nice it is to work at a pool, outside, making money and gettin' a tan. Yeeeep. No, seriously, I do like lifeguarding and I am excited to start again.

Speaking of makin' money. I coached again for that middle school I worked at last week, this time for just one girl, so it was more like a private lesson. But anyway, I think that's a lot easier because you can focus more on specific problems. So I get paid for that and for the one I did last week. Excellent! And Monday I am coaching for a high school. So pretty soon the dough will be coming in and I'll be able to pay for some of those bills I'm racking up. Arrgh.

On a slightly odd, personal note, I'm beginning to notice that whenever I have a dream about sex, whether I am participating or not, it always seems to have a very disturbing air about it. For example, it could be totally normal, commonplace sex in a regular old bed, but it's always got this atmosphere of depravity, like there's something wrong. You know how dreams always have an atmosphere to them, whether you know that something bad's going to happen, or that you're totally happy or whatnot. Anyway, my sex dream atmosphere is always negative. Hmm. What conclusions can we draw here? Am I oppressing some aspect of my sexual nature, in still holding on to some ideas that sex is carnal and evil? or maybe I'm predicting that someday something bad will happen to me during sex? Or maybe I'm constantly afraid that I'll be discovered, or punished?

Well who knows. Anyway I much prefer the real thing. So, again I repeat, 7 days! one mere week.

Monday, October 20, 2003

it's really true

Yes, it's true. You really can have 400 TV channels and have there be nothing worthwhile on. Take it firsthand folks; it happened to me.

I'm feeling too lazy to practice, and anyway my parents have retired for the evening. Actually I'm feeling rather sleepy myself. I don't want to start in on a new book, because I just demolished a huge one (The Shelters of Stone, Jean Auel. Fifth installment in that prehistoric romantic tale of Ayla and how she basically invents everything useful as we know it today) and I'm feeling like I need a break. However, there's not much else to do. I could study for the GRE, that might be useful. Or play a computer game.

Honestly, I'm not really sure just what I should do with myself. Couldn't get myself to the pool in time to swim, don't really have any money with which to go out and buy myself things. Or entertain others. Have already completely cleaned and sorted closets. I could race marbles. Or color. Watch a movie. Stand on my head and recite Shakespeare. Fart the alphabet. Oh the possibilities.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

and now, it's time for a breakdown...

Well, let's see. I don't have too much to say, except that I did have a fairly good weekend. Last night I hung out with Adam, and got drunk. Yay! How exciting. Well I am a certified lightweight as of now, and I need a few more nights with Adam to get me back on the drinking track. Seriously though, it was a fun time. Watched A Mighty Wind, which was pretty funny. Sampled some of what San Diego has to offer in microbrews, and missed Wisconsin. It wasn't bad though. Just not Berghoff. :)

Today I learned how to convert a midi file into notation on Cakewalk. Adam from Googaloo has promised to give me a copy of the program so I can start doing it myself, and contribute some new songs to the band. I'm thinking about arranging David Bowie's Fame, although I can't seem to find any midi files that sound even close to the original. Even for a midi file. Anyway, I am proud of my newfound knowledge and I think I will make good use of it!

Well that's me. I am looking forward to my trip to Madison--less than two weeks now!Consequently, Davis' blog today sums up a lot. I empathize, and I wish I could offer some advice. I could use some myself! *sigh* To quote Coldplay: "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

what price, nostalgia?

Staring at a menu for an Italian restaurant placed in my hands by my mother, and being informed that we were ordering in this evening, I was tossed back into a wave of memories and a conclusion that leaves me rather weak and beaten.

The simplicity of this Italian restaurant's menu was a contrast to the vast selection of pasta and sauce combinations found upon the menu of a certain Tutto Pasta, and therefore I was instantly reminded of it. That dark restaurant with so many complicated levels and rooms and a lot of tables shoved into awkward spaces and servers with their club shirts on and the smell of bread and olive oil. I can say I've been there more than five times. But the occasions- that crazy Valentines day stunt we came up with to ensure we were not dateless; Bethany's 21st and the silent acquiensence of the waitress to assume we were all 21 (well for the most part we were); Jerry's 21st--I lived through each of these evenings and many others in a flash and realized suddenly that that dear Madison is lost to me, that I can never live those times again except in shoddy replications that I force upon myself. That in four years I won't know anyone left there, and it will become just another city, another place in the fold, just as San Diego is for me now. I remember missing the memories here too so desperately as a freshman, and now what? It's another place and there's no one here to share it with. As much as I don't want Madison to be that way, I am slowly accepting the fact that what I love so much about it is not itself, but the memories that are attached to places and people.

Of course I dearly love Madison on its own--a quirky little city with its hypocrisies and contradictions--a place where I always know where to go to eat and where to find friends. A place with young kids, a place with old hippies, smoky bars, good music, unpredictable and annoying weather, lakes, beer...
The fact is I will never be a college student again. Sure, I'll be a graduate student, but only for a little while, and then what? Do I move again? Do I start completely over and trek across country for job offers that dissipate upon arrival? Do I spend another two months lonely and sad, friendless? Do I worship the memory of the city I have left?
This insecurity has left me exhausted, and of course it stems from the lack of gainful employment or even otherwise useful activity. It almost makes me vow to settle, to find a place to call permanent home. Because I don't want to go through this torture again, this insincerity of living that beats at me day in and day out. I want to start making new memories, and have those memories remain safely hidden in the day to day business of making even more.

Of course life doesn't always work that way, and I am fully understanding of this. Things will always change, and I as a musician will always be forced to change, to move to the job, to be willing to follow it wherever it may appear. So it appears to be a shoddy choice of employment for me, no? Me the stable cancer, a slow moving crab that rejects change and loves to stay at home and surround myself with the good things. Yep. On this thing I can say that the zodiac rings a bit true. Silly eh? Well there have been sillier things. And I realize now that in order to discover your mistakes, sometimes you have to make them first.

Monday, October 13, 2003

in which i am not wearing underpants


I have just returned from another satisfying rendezvous with the sex-in-shower-head-form. Oh WaterPik showerhead, you are indeed a marvelous creation. Thanks ever so for the relaxation of my cranky neck muscles and pesky shoulder knots. I do praise thee, thou art glorious.

Today I am feeling like my trombone playing is a little out of control. I think this embouchure thing is going to take a long time to get better. Mostly I just feel like I'm getting a hollow sound and my lips aren't comfortable at all. Also my high range sounds like complete crap and very forced. GRR. Well, perservance is the name of the game right now. Just so.

Tomorrow I have my first coaching session, and I'm a little nervous. Well the thing is I not really sure what to do. I don't have any fun music and I don't know if we're working on band stuff, or if I'm supposed to bring stuff in, or what. Hm. I've decided to copy some simple warmup stuff and little tunes from Arban and if we're not working on band music then we'll do that. It's only forty minutes, and I think I should be able to find things to work on with young trombonists. Eep.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

ooom= pah?

Nat McIntosh is playing sousaphone in my head, I swear. I can't get any of his licks to stop roaming around in my mind. It prevented me from sleep for at least two hours.

No seriously folks, that was awesome. It would have been even awesomer if they'd actually been headlining, as opposed to covering for some stupid jam band from SF. Joe said they are trying out a new booking agent and that he's been doing some stupid things. Grrr. So they only played for about an hour, but boy were they on fire (as always). Mostly they played new stuff and it all sounds awesome. I have the new cd, center:level:roar, which I would definitely listen to right now if I could guarantee that I wouldn't' be wide awake for the next 72 hours.

Actually I might go see them again today, as they are playing around 2ish at Oktoberfest (chhheye, Ia'm Kaahrl Straauhss) and Joe said he would call me if he could get me a free ticket. But it's only five dollars so I think I can manage---especially since he put me "on the list" last night!! Hehe. I've never been "on the list." I thought that was especially awesome. I think he felt bad that we came out for a big show and they were restricted. Anyway, I made a fan out of Dan (he bought both Unlearn and the new one), and even Josh Chappie and Shaun Haber looked amused (i think the kicker was when Nat started doing his thing. You know, the thing with the crazy whack tuba playing...).

Man, it was a good show though. I mean, it would have been better in Madison, for sure---but what was awesome about last night was that we were so close and it was kind of like getting a private show. My left ear hurts-well my earplugs should be arriving soon in the mail to prevent this from happening again-but it's the price you play for getting to see how tightly that band runs, how they know everything perfect and how extremely talented they all are. This is new music folks! Go check it out if you haven't already.

(now, I have to start plotting my evil plan in which I knock off the other trombonist and get Joe to get Nat to ask me to join the band. eeeexcellllent.)

Saturday, October 11, 2003

things i have learned from close encounters of the third kind:

1. aliens can play the tuba
2. aliens only abduct men who look like Richard Dreyfuss....come to think of it, the movie only hired men who looked like Richard Dreyfuss, all bushy haired and wide-eyed with side burns. Or maybe that's just the decade.
3. if we really did come into contact with a race that required us to communicate through music, i'd never be out of a job (maybe they want to play some orchestral excerpts with me?).
4. cute kid
5. aliens are suffering from malnutrition (look at those pot bellies!).
6. aviator sunglasses really were fashionable at one point
oh yeah, and that one other thing:
7. music really is the universal language! that's right bitches, give it some respect. damn fools.

it's youngblood day, baby!

Oh boy it's gonna be a good night. Dance dance dance my pants off.

this made me happy, beyond all belief:
last night I went night swimming (sing REM here) and it was nice and quiet and I had the pool to myself. Since I had actually brought clothes with me (usually i just go in my suit and a towel, or suit and shorts for biking) I decided to rinse off really quick in the shower. Well my club has done a great thing. They have installed WaterPik showerheads. With four different massaging spraying options. Let me tell you. That was heaven. I've never had a real massage that good. Just me and the hot water pounding on the spots that hurt. Ooooh baby. Gotta get me one of those. hot damn.

Friday, October 10, 2003

you fool of a took!

Well I feel better today. I have gotten some things off my chest and maybe that'll help. Last night, as you noticed, I could not sleep so I sat up and watched the extended DVD Fellowship. Whew. Quite a movie. That was four and a half hours of movie fun. It is a good movie--I liked it better the second time (and also the extended version) because I could see more details. I also thought of it as a sort of "companion" to the book rather than a faithful retelling. You know, sort of as a guide to get your imagination going, or a glimpse into how everyone sees things differently.

Well I'm off to the pool so dorky lawyer guy can try to flirt with me again.

i will not use this blog to post intensely personal statements about depression and anxiety. i will not use this blog to post intensely personal statements about depression and anxiety. i will not...

this is going to be a sleepless night, thanks to my stupid brain. well, maybe that bottle of scotch'll knock me out. here's to liquor for temporarily solving problems.

life sucks. this would all be okay if i had a kitty. goddammit.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

fall cleaning

I took away some of my outdated links--if it was one of your pages and you plan to start up again soon let me know. I only deleted the ones that haven't been updated in more than a year. Yipes!

Well big news for today is that I have decided to abstain from AIM usage for a few days. I feel like I'm becoming dependent on it because I so desperately want to talk to people. Well if you want to talk to me you'll have to call me. End of story. Mostly I am feeling like one of those annoying people that jumps on you the minute you come online and wants to chat chat chat. And it just doesn't substitute. Also I get very frustrated with Jerry, who doesn't talk much anyway, because most of our conversations look like this:

Llama721: what up?
Skrtch4brkf: nothing
Llama721: nothing here either
Skrtch4brkf: cool
Llama721: yep
Skrtch4brkf: wooooooooo

and so on. There you go, a little taste of how the online distance non-relationship fucked up thingy works.

I'm just kind of angry and tired and crabby because I had a rough night last night---I was really feeling the distance and felt very hopeless. Lots of it turned into anger and trying to think about how I could blame Jerry for what I was feeling, but I can't and I definitely shouldn't. It's just frustrating because I feel we have nothing to say to each other, and that's more frustrating because I go on all sorts of tangents trying to understand what that means for us. It's so hard to go a day without thinking about how much I miss him. And I get angry again when he says "Be happy" because I can't, because he makes me happy, he completes the puzzle. Now this is not a concession to modern feminine ideology. I know I should make myself happy, but I learned a long time ago that what I need to do to make myself happy is surround myself with good friends and quality people. And although sometimes the faces have changed throughout the years, there are those that I would despair of if they drew away their friendship. For example--Megan. She's the dearest person in the world to me and I can always talk to her, no matter how long it's been.

In the time that I've been with Jerry, he's become my best friend, the one person that knows me, how silly and stupid I can be, without any of the controls I put on for use in other social situations. To not have that here, close to me, is making me shut up inside myself and present a different face to the world. It makes me feel like I'm dying inside. Rotting away.

The truth of it is, I have to live with what I consider the biggest mistake I've ever made. There are small consolations to having moved here- I rely on my trombone for company thus practicing a lot- but in the long run I should have thought about it. I should have known that there would be consequences. I am not, at the current moment, strong enough to deal with them.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

hans und frans vill pump yooo up!

that's it, get me out of this state now. *Sigh* Well it's over and yes the Terminator is governor. Who knows. I'm done talking about it.

A not-so-exciting day. I woke up late as usual and practiced (which i should go do more of), read, fell alseep again (shit, now I'm super groggy), etc. I had a quite morning as both my parents were at work for once. I'm really dying to have a place of my own. I think I've come to the point where I would really enjoy that. In college I always despaired of not having roomates as I thought I would be lonely. Now that I am lonely, I think having my own place would allow me a little freedom. To go out, to have people over, to have a kitty. To have silence when I wanted it, and not have the tv on at all hours (better yet, not to have a tv AT ALL is an option). To once more, have a kitten. Or two. For happiness. Is a kitty. To practice until midnight if I so needed. Of course this would mean more bills, less money and not as much travelling. Well I will become patient and wait it year I should have my own place. Maybe even by next summer. It's very exciting. I can't wait to return to school. Join the crowd again.

Saturn's Day rehearsal was quite entertaining last evening. Three nice guys, good musicians. I am discovering my improvisation side quite nicely, and even becoming a contributing member of making music (I can listen to something now, and quite clearly hear possible licks/hits that would fit in a certain section). I am quite thrilled by this--it means that I can become a more complete musician and maybe even composer someday. At least it bodes well for my teaching lessons.
I got Dan, the drummer, to say he was going to the Youngblood show. T-minus 3 days!!!!!!

Well my horn needs me. Adieu.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

say anything

I have to say that the most beautiful movie I have ever seen is The Red Violin. Such artistry. True filmmaking, in my opinion. Such a seamless story with such great interplay and is beyond words, such a gorgeous gorgeous film.

Anyway, I'm off to a rehearsal tonight for a band called Saturn's Day. They are kind of funkish like Googaloo, only as of now I think I'm the only horn player and they are expecting me to come up with some licks and all. I'm listening to their cd now; it sounds very good so it should be a nice experience. However I'm not sure how creative I am feeling--but maybe it'll be better once I get my horn in hand.

I have been playing quite a lot since I fixed my embouchure problem, and it's really nice. I think I will definitely give a recital sometime before the year is out, or early next year Januaryish. So people are home and can come. I'm not really picking out too much rep--instead I've pulled up some old pieces to work up. These I also plan on using for grad school auditions. Sean and I were supposed to meet tomorrow night, unfortunately he had to cancel as he's subbing for the Redlands symphony. Ah well. Not my only disappointment of the day:

The lifeguarding gig called---they are postponing water tests and interviews at this time. Until hopefully sometime in the next few weeks. Ahem. Gr. Arrrgh. Is this not, is this not, the stupidest thing you have EVER heard? I mean, first off, they didn't process the aps for three weeks. Then when they called for an interview, it was scheduled a week later. Now, it's all on the fly again. So what I'm wondering is, who do they think is applying for this job? It must be mostly high schoolers, people they think they can keep waiting or something. It's ridiculous. I guess if I hang on long enough and get a job maybe no one will be left as competition. Still, it was promising and I liked the idea of having limit work commitment so that I could practice more. ARRGH. Well whatever. They obviously have their heads up their asses.

Oh yes, and I voted today. No against the recall, and for the green party guy, Peter Camejo, in case the recall goes through. Of course he won't win but I really didn't want to vote for Arnold or McClintock or Bustamante because they all appear to be assholes. The upside of it is, of course, that I got an "I voted" sticker. So everything's alright in the end.

Monday, October 06, 2003

yeah, well i'll recall you...

okay, tomorrow finally all of this crap will be over. well i'm sure it won't be over per say...because you'll get all the people with their bitching and moaning about what happened and who's governor (hm, gary coleman, or mary carey?) and blah blah blah. Politics is the most ridiculous thing EVER. I am so sick of this. personally i don't want a body builder as governor--maybe we should learn from missouri's mistakes. i know it's a little unglamorous state but california has got its head up its ass.

my parents, glorious examples of the conservative republican breed, as frustrating the heck out of me. i don't dare express any political opinion for fear i lose either financial support and/or break their dear little hearts. well, it is my opinion that politicians and all other people who like to close their minds and hum along while other people express views and ideas can go fuck themselves. hard. i am too angry and too frustrated to be eloquent. ha-rumph.

i had a good long talk with dan last night; we went out to dinner and dove right into the deep discussions on life, liberty and all the "isms." twas good, and nice to have a friend. :)

well, all my letters are out to the local middle schools and all i have to do now is wait and see. excitement.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

who's lazy ass? my lazy ass!

That's right, it's 1:17 pm and I am still in my pajamas! In fact, I only just officially got out of bed! (well I got out of bed from like 10-11 but I was so confused about what to do with myself that I went back to bed in hopes of starting over)

I'm trying to work out my day schedule. You see, I am now forced into leaving the house in my car because I told a little white lie to my neighbor lady. Janet is old and infirm and requires much of her neighbors: drive her to this hair appointment, pick up this box, unhook this bra (that last one is a little disconcerting, but actually not altogther gross or intimidating). Anyway she wanted me to go to a movie with her, but I said I had rehearsal. I'm not really opposed to free movies you see. Some part of me resents that she's seen through me: here is another human being who is lonely and desires social interaction. Mostly I just don't want to drive her around, help her with every little thing, and make conversation about her weak arm getting stronger since she broke it. Make sense? I actually don't mind doing these things too much but today I am particularily full of self-pity and lazy-assness.

I would like to do some of the following:
Have the same kind of great day practicing that I did yesterday
Buy blank cds so I can raid the library and start burning that shit up (here is a new wealth of free classical and jazz cds)
clean my bathroom
organize and complete my bulk mailing to middle schools about private lessons
take the online practice GRE

You may notice that only two of these require me to leave the house. So I'm in quite a pickle here (you see I wouldn't mind about the leaving, it's just that sometimes I get the spooky feeling she sits in her living room window and waits for signs of life from her neighbors so she can call them and demand they pick up a bottle of wine for her), but I think this is what will be done:

I will warmup, maybe even do a little extended practicing, then clean my bathroom, then clean myself up a little (not too much) and leave to buy blank cds. I will take my suit and towel with me and go swimming after I have done so, and then come home and do the other stuff. This way I will have been gone about an hour and a half, which should be acceptable.

Okay. remember folks, always tell the truth, and you won't have to make exceptions for yourself.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

well it was saturday night, i guess that makes it alright

what makes me quote prince you ask? well maybe i'll try out putting titles on my blogs, for fun.

anyway, last night i had a long talk with dan which was nice, and then today i talked to josh chappie. i had heard that josh was in town and i thought hey, why not, who needs a social life? (lorn) Anyway I am working on finding as big a posse as I can to descend upon the Youngblood show next weekend. I am so excited, I can't wait. What an incredibly awesome band.

went to the mall, bought some tshirts and my mom was kind enough to buy me a new watch. my old dear watch disappeared somewhere between my car and the terminal at the Milwaukee Airport. Well that made me very sad, so I got the exact same watch. hehe.

practicing is going rather well today, and I'm happy. I went to the OTJ (online trombone journal) and posted about my frustrations with embouchure and all, and someone wrote back with the advice to tighten my corners, they might be loose from playing bass and not readjusting when I played tenor. So I tried that out, and low and behold...well I'm very grateful. I have to start working up all the grad school stuff, and also have something to play for Campbell in a month. Frustrated as I am with my bass playing, I've decided to put it aside until after grad school auditions, or at least until I feel I can play my tenor again comfortably and not screw things up. I'm sad about this; I love Bernard dearly. But I definitely need to focus on this one big thing and really work hard, and he's going to make that difficult.

i am hungry. i desire to eat.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Fight Club!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Well I have had a productive morning!!

Let's see: I have organized, somewhat, my graduate school stuff. At least I kind of know what I need to prepare and all. So my list is as follows:
Indiana University
UW (of course, the more I miss it the more it becomes appealing)
Univ of Michigan
DePaul (oooo chicago)
ASU (kickass music building)
USC--this I am skeptical on but Sean really recommends Terry Craven as a teacher so what the heck.

I'm wondering if I should expand my options a little and look outside of the US. But what I'm hoping is that maybe these options will open up to me as I experience a little more of the professional world, and, hopefully, get taken more seriously as a trombonist. So I think for now I will stay here. I'm kind of excited about what will be known henceforth as the "Midwest Tour" in which I will schedule my auditions for UW, IU, UM and DePaul in the same time period and thus get to visit the Madison kids, Katie, Grant, and maybe Val respectively. Or anyone else in Chicago. The exciting part is that I have a place to stay at all of these schools so it will be fun. yes. fun. :) If only I could rent a car!!! gr.

Also, I polished up my letter to the local middle schools about teaching and sent it off to Sean to have him proof it. I stopped by RBHS last night and got from him a list of all (ALL) the schools in CALIFORNIA (what the fuck), and now I must muck through this ENORMOUSLY LONG LIST and find the ones in SAN DIEGO. Well they have addresses and all. I was pissed off immensely when, after I had finished copying all FIFTY pages I realized that the stupid ^@*%^~@%^$ band office copy machine had continously been cutting off the left hand side of the page, thus depriving me of one third of ALL THE SCHOOLS IN CALIFORNIA. So I ran through and just wrote down the ones in SD. The band office copy machine has been doing this to people since forever. Since I had to copy stuff for marching band and pep band and all the things in between. You'd think it'd be time...but well, arts education, haha, has no money.
Anyway, once Sean sends that back to me I can send it out to ALL THE SCHOOLS IN SAN DIEGO and hopefully get some students. And maybe some coaching gigs.

I also am applying for a job at Bernardo Heights Middle School (my alma mater) as a music assistant. Woohoo! It looks like fun: I get to do some conducting and chamber stuff, and basically just assist. In the production of music. Of course it is a middle school band and occasionally I have memories of the terrors we inflicted in middle school upon our poor director. Hm. Well, it's a job anyway.

Last night was Googaloo rehearsal. Only we didn't really rehearse. We went to Adam's house and goofed off, basically. Adam wanted to clean up some charts and put some four-part harmony in, since we have added to the horn section Pierre, on tenor. He's french! He has a french accent! I think he might be scared of us. I told all my naughty jokes to Lenny, since we were pretty bored. We played with rubber chickens. Adam burned me a Poncho Sanchez-Freddie Hubbard cd. And a Johnny Cash cd but I get that next week. It was quite fun and I feel refreshed and like I have friends, or at least goofing off partners, whom I will see at least once a week.

Well, I'm still stuffy headed and going swimming is unappealing. I think I will do yoga instead, and call that my exercise for today.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

countdowns of my own (inspired by davis):
6 days until the California Recall Election, which is stupid.
10 days til I get to see Youngblood!!!
30 days til I get to go to Madison and party hard. and hopefully get some lovin'.

okay so those are the only two things i have to be excited about, currently. Although let's see if I can make some more:

57 days until thanksgiving, which means I might get to see some friends.
83 days until Natalie comes home from France, which means I will have a friend all the time :)
340-odd days until I attend grad school, and have a life again. Maybe.

exciting things for today:
the lifeguarding job FINALLY called for a water test and interview. lord almighty. of course it's not til next week which means if I get the job I probably won't start for like two more weeks after that because they are slow as fuck. i repeat: slow as fuck. (my apologies to my younger readers) Good grief it's been three weeks already since I turned that ap in. And I turned it in on the deadline! Grr. Anyway, I hope I get the job because I need money.

I emailed James Campbell (the new trombone prof at UW) to ask for a lesson when I'm out over Halloween. And he's hurray! Now I can judge for myself if he's hot or not. hehe. Anyway, he was very straightforward in the email, telling me what to bring prepared (generally, like excerpts and solos, and a rochut), and I like that. does one go about getting offered full rides and assistantships with out asking, like Griffin and Grant do? Oh yeah, you have to be some sort of amaaaazing musician or something. Well guess that counts me out. Ha-rumph.

I am having the hardest time getting out of bed lately. I wake up at a reasonable hour (like 8:30 or 9 or so) and prepare myself to get up and get going...but I just keep falling back asleep! It's not like an "i didn't get enough sleep" feeling. It's more like there's something seriously wrong with me and I'm lethargic and all. Maybe I'm anemic. Hm. Weird.
Anyway, I managed to get up before 10 today and go swimming. For the first time in a few days. So that was nice. I rode my bike there, and it's getting easier to go up those hills.

My Jack anttena ball is missing!! My poor poor Jack who lost all of his facial features except his nose but still valiantly travelled twice across country with me and was loyal to the end. I am sad today, for I have lost a friend. I also have no idea how to spell antena. Antenae? Anttenna. What a weird word. Sigh.

Well, I think I've cooled off enough that I can take a shower. And that sounds mighty appealing.