Thursday, January 31, 2002

jerry is being difficult. he doesn't mind me walking a few blocks in the shitty weather, snow/rain/ice crap, oh but if i ask him to do it, ooooh watch out. besides, i go there all the time, and i don't feel particularily comfortable there (just, "the girlfriend" to the roomates) so i'm a bit tired of it. okay, and the fact that i've only just now gotten home (after putting in a marathon day: two power lectures, 4 hours of practice, errands, etc) makes me not want to leave so much. so i'm just venting a bit and i know he's going to read this (hey sugar) and he had a long day too, of course, so it's all in good fun. but i need a back massage and who better? hehe...

debating whether or not to attend the movie fun at abby's tonight...on the one hand good social fun, on the other i'm beat and i want to get up a little earlier to practice tomorrow. it's also, as i mentioned, very shitty outside. cuddling sounds good. a book and some warm blankets. we shall see...

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

difficult desicion to make: to waterpolo or not to waterpolo?
pros (5):
exercise; good semi-clean fun (it's never waterpolo unless you absolutely cream someone or hold them underwater mercilessly whilst your team scores a point); chance to see people i don't have shifts with this semester; an opportunity to leave the house, humanities building, and any other places/feelings i need to escape; gives me a free week of not-swimming

cons (4):
it's too cold to bike, and the bus is a pain in the ass and won't get me home until near 11; if i don't get home until 11 I won't have much time to do anything else that evening (incl. spend time with jerry); promised myself I would swim every other day anyway; i'm feeling lazy

so, i think it's defintely in favor of going, and the bus issue makes me want to bike anyway, although i'm afraid that i'll freeze my ass off if i do and be crabby anyway. why couldn't it have stayed nice for just a few more days? ah, wisconsin, i have two words for you: you suck. figure out your weather patterns and then get back to me.

Sunday, January 27, 2002

okay, i know most of my blogs have been pretty bitchy and/or sad recently, but really, i'm alright. it's easier to talk about things you are upset about...well, anyway i feel pretty terrible today. i'm worried. jerry and i had a great great great time last night, much happiness, many smiles...i would be all warm and glowing about that today but i'm worried. and i had these dreams last night, they were all about rejected love and was so realistic i woke up and nearly started it jerry had to think about something and we went to bed and he couldn't sleep so he got up and started writing poetry...which was all about me. I woke up and tried to read some of it, and it was beautiful, sublime, but it was all written on balloons (analyze that) and he was systematically popping each one and as I read the one I was holding, all the words about me turned into past tense and I realized he was trying to get rid of me, so I started begging him to tell me what was wrong...all he said was "no, this wasn't real, you're just my secretary" (okay, that was kind of weird but in the dream i freaked out about it) and that's when I woke up. And it took me a good long time to realize that it wasn't real, and that jerry was still there beside me and everything was okay. I hope. I hate my goddammed subconscious. It takes a minor worry and makes it into the end of the world. And now I'm just terribly preoccupied about everything and the last thing I want to do is go practice, although it's one of the things I'm worried about, and oh yeah, I might have lost the pool keys today at work, which is NOT GOOD AT ALL and dammit I'm just fucking up everything today.

It is time for a fuck of frustration and worry: FUCK!
if i had the proper html knowledge to make that any bigger, I would.

Friday, January 25, 2002

will our apartment-hunting woes never end?

we are having much trouble finding a place. especially in the gilman street is just frustratingly difficult. the first place we wanted was taken not hours before we got there with the sufficient funds, the second place we didn't even get to look at, and the other two places we've checked out are total shitholes. davis and i have been frantically calling rental places and setting up apointments and negotiating costs and trying to figure out just what the hell we're going to do. now we're thinking, what's around in three bedroom that two people can share (davis and i don't mind)? the probably i have is, i really want to live in the area we are now. i love it. it's pretty and calm and close to the lake and state street and it just makes me happy. of course, right now i just want a place to live, i want to stop worrying, blah blah blah. so sunday there is a showing at a house on west dayton, which isn't so bad, it's cheap and not far away. so we'll see. arrrgh. hoping this will be settled by the end of next week...

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

i was going along, minding my only business, happy as a clam, and then out of nowhere this really shitty mood descended and took over my whole day and made it one big fucked-up experience. It's all the fault of that damn Kopprasch exercise. Why can't I frigging do it? What the hell is wrong with me? I'll bet everyone other college trombonist in the world can do it. I bet they can do it without thinking about it. So why can't I? does it mean I suck? does it mean I shouldn't be playing trombone? What the hell!?!?!?! On top of this I found out that I'm playing nothing but second parts once again in Wind ensemble, and it makes me really not want to be there anymore. I can't stand it. I don't want to go. I'm tired and I'm sick of music. I don't want to deal with Smith. I don't want to sit in my chair and feel like I'm the least hardworking player in the school. I don't want to think about how I am or am not progressing. I don't know how I will handle this...

and all this suffering (ah, but a buddhist would say, "suffering is not innate") has left me wanting to do one thing, and one thing only: lie on a couch with jerry and not think about anything except being in someone's arms and being comfortable. no worries. and it is not to be!!! because of course he has a life and doesn't need me to feed him (even though sometimes i wonder about that) and will find his own dinner even though that was only an excuse to get to see him and to feel a little bit better. and i've lost my resolve to make anything to eat myself...
and i have to go to the library and read for renaissance. shit. i get to feeling sometimes that i'm going to be totally overwhelmed by all the stuff i have to do, even though it's totally doable and not hard, it just requires organization and perserverence, but all my head wants to do is let things slide, fuck 'em and take a nap. i am a slacker in a bad mood.

not a good combination.

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

First day of classes! Already swamped with things to do and remember, but other than that I think my classes are great and that my schedule will allow me to do and remember these things I am swamped with. :) Renaissance Music with Crook is going to be intense, I think...but fun. Brandon is back! And in my class! That is excitement right there. Prof Dunne already pulled out the chair metaphor in Buddhism...but I think this class will be cool because it is much smaller and there will be more discussion and personal attention and stuff. It made me sort of giddy to be in class with him again, because he is absolutely frigging hilarious weird. I don't know if I can describe it...but damn, he's funny. He made us introduce ourselves to another class member, which I appreciated because then I didn't have to do it myself...since I didn't know anyone who was going to keep me awake? Hehe...but now I know at least one person, so it's all good.

Had a lesson with Bill...actually just the first lesson chat session, so we went over stuff I want to do this semester and what we're working on. So far so good. He gave me some good feedback on the grad schools I'm thinking about, and said he would put me in touch with the professors at UCLA and Colorado and would help me out with UA. So now I know two people who can help me in at UCLA...Sean's got connections there too, of course. I've decided I want to look into a place that has a good history program, too, because despite all my fighting it in high school, I'm realizing that I really really really love history. Especially music history. So I'm going to talk to Crook about that, too.

What else? Many things to do..I have to start thinking about new member recruitment for SAI, and planning out my recital (gotta call vince fuh), and living for next year...if we get the money soon we'll be able to get the place we want...on Carroll, four bedrooms big bathroom huge here's hoping for that. Gotta go order some music...I think I'll do that right now...hehe.

Friday, January 18, 2002

i have many many words floating around in my head right now, but expressing them feels wrong to me. i guess that's just a long winded way to say that i feel overly thoughtful and reserved this evening. "it all comes from reading the right sort of books" as c.s. lewis would say.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Jennii asked me to inform those interested that her adventures in Prague will be updated at this website:, instead of at her regular site. enjoy!

I fail to understand why I am so pissy tonight. I hate being pissy. I alienate everyone. I think that the combination of there being nothing to do....and there again being nothing to do has driven me insane. All I've done for the past four nights is watch movies. I don't want to watch any more movies. The daytime is fine, I go practice, I run errands, I read. But nighttime makes me restless and I want to be out and socializing and having a good time. It's just not working. So I get pissy and I offend people and then I want to cry and I have no notion of what will make me feel better, except to socialize, but oh yeah, I alienated everyone so that won't work. Then I get pissy again. Then I get mad at people that are just there, had nothing to do with my pissiness, but maybe they could do something to make it better but they aren't, because it's not their fault and they don't feel they have to do anything to make me feel better. You see, it's all one big vicious cycle and it SUCKS ASS. I really want school to start. I don't want to have to be burdened with the responsibility of having to come up with something to do every evening. Weekends are easy. But weekdays during non-school times, that's hard. Grr. Argh. Grrrr.

Okay, maybe I'll just sit on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Anyone who feels like calling is perfectly welcome to and I will be glad to hear from you. Otherwise, do have a good night and enjoy it pissiness-free.

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

hey hey
i have made it safely back to madison and am very glad to be here! it is good to see everyone again. it snowed last night! it's so beautiful...i love watching the way snow never comes straight down but swirls around or floats gently...anyway, it's cold but i don't mind it, even though on friday i was wearing shorts. :)

well, we are house hunting today, and i am working on getting back into shape on trombone. it's alright, it feels funny in the back of my mouth. hehe. something about four extra holes...well, anyway, i really don' t have anything exciting or new to say...soo.....yep. that's all. :)

Friday, January 11, 2002

gorgeous today! if tomorrow is so (and it probably will be) marisa and i are going to torrey pines to do some hiking. i am definitely needing some exercise. nat jess and i went to see beauty and the beast on the IMAX in irvine. It was big. and pretty. and loud. very enjoyable. many laughs, because they are my girls. tonight we are mini-golfing, with some other people (jonny! :). i went and got checked up on at the mouth-surgeon place today, and everything is fine, but they gave me a little syringe thing to "clean out my holes." i'm sorry, but the phrase "clean out my holes" just sounds bad. baaaad. i keep hitting this one spot when i brush my teeth and it starts bleeding. it's obnoxious. i would like it to stop. anyway, apparently i have to do mouth exercises or something to make sure i can get my mouth fully open again. this is what i gathered. he didn't exactly say this, but it was implied. hmmm...okay, commence opening and closing jaw as far as strrrrretch...and close. strrrrrretch...and close. hehe..this reminds me of that silly article in redbook (which i was only reading to pass time in the lobby of the mouth-guy, mind you) about how women can strengthen their vaginas (PC muscles) to guarrantee better orgasm., i am not going to demonstrate!! heh heh heh. oooh people are so silly. so silly. i love it.

well, i ought to go "clean out my holes." go read about how tara is going to war against her toaster. tis funny.

Thursday, January 10, 2002

I am highly entertained by Adam, Megan and Tara's webposts for today. I laughed aloud at each of them. Especially Adam's and the line "which just goes to prove that my house was built on top of a meth lab." Maybe y'all won't find them as funny. But I still recommend them.

Marisa and I went out to lunch and both realized the same thing: we are having a perfectly normal and happy time (well I am when I have enough painkillers) at home, except when we get on the phone/internet with our significant others back at school. That's when the missing depression hits. Weird. Take it as flattery, boys.

So in keeping with the posts on social disorders I have come to the conclusion that I am cursed, and what I am cursed with is this: I love people too deeply.
Because I love so deeply I worry. I worry that I am not enough. I worry that it is not mutual. I have put people up on pedestals because they are so special to me I must worship them in my secret heart of hearts. But There! I have put them up so high they have to look down on me and I am diminished. There is less of me! They are so special they have no need of me. But I need to be needed! (or do I?) They are on the pedestal, I am on the ground looking up, and crying because I am not special. I want to be special. Isn't there something about me unique or different that someone can love? I am flawed and ignorant and selfish. Does anyone else worry that they are not enough?

Because I cannot see myself go through life, my actions and my judgements, I cannot know how I appear to other people. I can only try to be what I value most in others: compassionate. It is not easy to see that the good outweighs the bad. It is not easy to be without thinking, it is not easy to think without feeling. May I be granted the wisdom to know where I am going, and if I do not, may I be granted the strength to accept what lies in my path.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

mucking around on the net and i found this site, which tells you what social diseases you have. let me tell you, i am a bit relieved that i could answer "no" to most of these questions. now i feel somewhat "healthy" or "normal" or however you want to tag it. here tis:


-- Click Here To Take The Test --

there you have it. i am guilty of seeking constant attention, but hell, i could have told you that. why else would i have a website?

Tuesday, January 08, 2002

hehe..i have this little patch of skin on my chin that doesn't have any feeling in it. it's gone to sleep. it's weird. this is by far the only enjoyable side effect of the whole tooth ordeal. *poke, poke* yep, no chin feeling. hehehe

watched wonderful reruns of oldskool Nickelodeon game shows today, Finder's Keepers and Guts and Figure it Out and so forth. Took Jessie to work and then Natalie and I entertained her by dancing around to the kid songs on the Zany Brainy radio. It was much entertainment, except for the fact that the reason I was loopy was because pain was overtaking my head and making my ears want to explode. And Natalie had only just woken up. We were an excellent pair. Now she and Dan are coming over to watch some movies, so it should be a good time.

So yah, everything else is pretty lame. My dad and I are going to the symphony on thursday night, which should be a good time. They are "testing out" new music directors, so they have the candidates give concerts...this one is some canadian guy and they are playing Rach 2 and Beethoven 3. It should be a good show, I'm looking forward to it. Still I am looking forward to Sunday. I think I am driving Jerry crazy online. I am driving myself crazy. Everything is crazy. Even my dreams are crazy. Crazy fucked-up. (lorn bursts into popular Britney Spears song and starts dancing around in a weird factory restaurant thing with Melissa Joan Hart)

Sunday, January 06, 2002

ah....talking to jerry on the phone has made me feel a bit more lively and antsy, so now i feel like i ought to do something tonight, even though i still look like a chipmunk and can't chew or open my mouth very wide. :) unfortunately i missed katie! i thought she was going back to school tomorrow, but i think i had her confused with someone else, or just confused in general.but she's gone already. sigh. i want to be gone! marisa wants to do something, i know...well, i should find something to do instead of watching tv again. we'll see.

davis, your page is down. how come?

Saturday, January 05, 2002

again, for lack of anything better to do other than putting ice packs on my cheeks, I have organized my website. The links to my friend's pages are now in alphabetical order, and I have added Jerry's website of silly poetry whether he likes it or not. :) Tara also is creating a website so i am anticipating this arrival as well.

feeling pretty good today, minus the random spells of dizziness and nausea, even though i look terrible. one of my cheeks is more swollen than the other. it's kind of neat, kind of not really. eating is only slightly easier, and i'm still sticking to soups and applesauce. supposedly tomorrow is the last day of swelling so maybe then i can go out in public. we'll see. for now it's nice to sit around and demand things of my parents and not get yelled at for it :) ah, yes, tis excellent, this invalid life...

Friday, January 04, 2002

my dad got fired from his job at jackinthebox today. for no good reason, other than that his bosses didn't like him. hurray for california and employment at will. it's weird. i'm not worried but it didn't seem like something that would ever happen. i was more worried back in sixth grade when the e. coli scare was happening. it seems that i get less worried about things the older i am. that doesn't make sense to me, because the more you know about something, the more you understand the consequences. then again, maybe it does make sense, because you know that there are more options and it doesn't seem so much like the end of the world. i dunno. i've stopped worrying about stuff that isn't small enough. :) i'll still be able to go to school and all that. maybe i'll pay more of the rent. that's not so bad. i have two jobs, and for both of them i get a raise this coming semester because the university is cool like that. i don't worry about money. i can live without things. it's just surreal. then it gets me wondering. i think i should understand all this stuff. all this how to make it in the real world stuff. i can't forsee myself being terribly rich and famous; my trombone skills aren't good enough for that, but then again i just want to be happy somewhere. i had an idea the other day. for a radio station that plays a greater mix of "classical" (and i would come up with a new term for that) music, not just the stuff everyone knows or is the most relaxing. i think that would be fun. maybe i can be a professor. i like music history...what am i going to go to grad school for? who knows. it's hard to believe that i can make it as a performer in anything but Podunk Symphony Orchestra, with all the competition out there. I want to be in a brass quintet, most of all. But I wouldn't mind doing whatever, as long as it was with music. as long as i could be a part of the family...that's what i love best about music, it ties everyone who does it together. look at all my friends at school! only one or two aren't in music school.

i guess the thought here is, i don't really see myself being successful, but successful in the sense that i have a lot of money and respect or whatever. money and security and tax forms and health insurance...i will do all these things, but i won't worry about them. it is of no importance to me. now i'm remembering the essay i wrote for my UC applications, way back when...all about "the path least travelled" and how "i'll never do anything if it doesn't make me happy." i still believe it. it's been a bit buried lately, but i still believe it. and now i have a definition of happiness...yeah, i think i can figure this life thing out, it just takes a little time and a lot of patience. no worries, i've got both.

arrgh. mouth surgery. curse its bloody name. i have just had my wisdom teeth removed, and now i am recovering. it all went well but as per usual my mouth will not stop with the blood and the drool and it is making me a little nauseous. guaze is annoying. and it tastes bad. but oh well. now hopefully i can avoid all types of surgery for a good long time to come.

yesterday at disneyland we all had a blast. it goes up on my top disney trips. "Day of the Running Gag"...good times. I bought some stuff, which I don't usually do, but oh well, we can all break rules the day before mouth surgery. I guess I should probably go put some more cold packs on my chipmunk cheeks. more when i am feeling up to it. :)

Thursday, January 03, 2002

Llama721: well, i've got a big day at disneyland tomorrow, so i'm going to hit the hay.
Mcgannsop1: well, I'm tired it's late here in the real time zone so I'm going to hit the hay

Yes, folks, it's official. Chris McGann and I are officially psychically connected. We sent each other those very IM messages...AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME!!!!! That is FUCKING WEIRD, man! We should start a cult or something. I mean, how many people use the phrase "i'm going to hit the hay" in the first place? No, this is spooky. SPOO-KY. Spooky. Whew. How will I be able to sleep?!?

Wednesday, January 02, 2002

have added Megan's link at left. HAHA! I am spreading the blog disease all over the state of california! MWAHAHAHA!!!! (evil laugh)

most entertaining moment for today, january 2nd, 2002:
arwen offroading in the target parking lot.

we had just spent half an hour laughing at the mini drama occuring on the other side of the glass inside the cold stone creamery. having three 16 year old girls getting bitched out by their thirtysomething tight-shorts wearing male boss is quite a show. cause for enjoyment were also the car show-offs in the parking lot: the guy with his car too lowered to go over the speed bumps, and the guy joyriding in a van...hanging out the opening sliding door. so for her own showing off, arwen drives her brother's car over the little grassy knoll in front of her parking spot. four wheel drive, baby. ahhh yee-ah.

this is entertainment folks: high school kids. who needs tv with them around?

i'm back! good times up in davis and san fran and sac. now i am doing nothing but waiting for people to call me. jerry and natalie and jennii and arwen. jerry to talk, natalie about disneyland, jennii about bowling tonight, and arwen about doing something tonight too because both of those girls i will not see for a semester if i don't see them today!
hmm. well, the oven buzzer just went off, which means it's time for some dinner! adios.