Tuesday, February 27, 2007

hurray! my first internet weirdo!

Here is what I know about my dirty-minded little internet stalker:

He or she lives in Calgary, Alberta, visits my website in the wee hours of the morning by accessing it from Day's page, and has an email address of lucsim@sympatico.ca. Do your worst, friendly internet readers!

See those little buttons down at the bottom of my archives? The Haloscan and Site Tracker ones? They ain't just for fun. They allow me enough information to put together a good idea of who is reading, where they are, and how I can get in touch with them whether they happen to be long lost friends or sad insomniac creeps.

Okay, wait, maybe it is fun.

Monday, February 26, 2007

he's the greek god of why don't you read a fucking book

That title doesn't have much to do with my post. It's just one of the many hilarious lines Mandy Patinkin delivers on my new favorite show, Dead Like Me. I have a tremendous love for that man. Tremendous.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of filling out forms for recital and degree plan stuff, and starting to realize that, as early in the semester as it still seems, all of this is coming to a close faster than I think. I mean...after my recital I just have to do orals and take one more class in the summer. Does that seem fair? I feel like I should have to do some more academic work, if only for the reason that it would give me more time to take lessons and get better at trombone. I don't know. I'm tried of academic work but I'm not tired of trombone. I'm excited about my recital- it's not ready yet but it's close and soon I'll be at the point where I'm gunning to do it, and soon.

I was thinking back to something a trombonist I took a lesson with once said (and I know I blogged this, way back, but I can't find it right now), about how you have to live your life the way you want to play. Meaning...get out there and do it, and then do it on your horn, too.

I think I need some more of that in my life. Lately I've been getting more comments about 'letting go' and 'putting it out there', etc, etc., and I'm just annoyed enough by them to really let something rip and scare the shit out of everyone. I'm always a little scared of myself when I let go. Jean Grey/Phoenix style.

Okay, not that bad.

Anyway, I'm being shy and insecure about some romantic interest stuff, and little by little I'm starting to realize that I needn't be. Not that the other party involved likes me- this I don't know yet. But just that it's time to forget about the things I think everyone notices and start just going after what I want. There's not much of a point in whining about it anymore. And if it doesn't work...c'est la vie!

I'm smart, you know that? I'm smarter than the average bear. I like that about me. Oh, and I'm fucking hilarious.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


I've been so touchy and angry lately. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm starting to get into odd little moods where I don't feel like anyone is taking me seriously, like they think I'm being bossy or controlling about something. I don't even know if that's true. I'm just reacting that way to small jokes and jests I should take lightheartedly in the way they were meant.

I'm frustrated with myself for slacking on so many things: recital stuff, important graduation forms and processes, keeping in touch with people, financial woes, etc, etc, etc.

I'm frustrated with myself for the whole Valentine's Day 'getting laid' joke, which was only half a joke, because it made me seem sort of desperate and stupid in front of people who might otherwise think I am interesting.

I'm frustrated that I'm so torn about what to do in the fall, mostly because I'm not getting good feedback on it both from the professionals in my life and from the people that have a stake in where I end up.

I'm frustrated I don't have any money because I want these t-shirts. And a new computer. And a trip to NYC. And the ability to pay my bills without freaking out about them.

I'm frustrated y'all don't comment. I know I should comment more on other's blogs. I will do that.

I'm frustrated.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

here i go again on my own

Yesterday was a crappy day...one of those bad music days. You know the drill: you're playing poorly, you're getting called on it, and you're started to feel like you don't have the talent, work ethic, or ambition to get anywhere in the music world. The only cure is to put the horn down, have a few beers and laugh with some friends. This too shall pass.

Thankfully, today it feels like spring is here, and it's warm and sunny. I'm getting anxious to plant my garden. I opened up the windows of my house and went for a run, the first run I've ever gotten actually hot on instead of just less cold, and made myself some delicious breakfast.

I woke up with a song in my head, and I didn't understand why or how it got to be there. The only explanation I can think of is that somewhere last night in between all the spontaneous outbursts of Journey songs this one either popped in or was referenced in some way.

So I googled it, and here is what I got. I don't think I've had anything ever make me feel this good. My favorite part is a toss up between the girl doing the splits between the hoods of two cars, or the crazy open mouth driving kiss.

Rocking out to Whitesnake is just one part of my feel-better plan. I parked today next to the world's largest truck, which had done the world's second worst parking job (the title still goes to this guy), and it just sort made me a little mischievious. So I left him or her a note with the words "enormous", "truck", "learn", "park", and "asshat".

It felt good.

I'm playing tonight in quintet at our tuba player's recital. One of the things that got me down yesterday was playing this piece (the notorious Ewald 1) for chamber departmental and getting criticism the whole time, so much more so than the rest of the group that I began to feel pretty weak. It kept running through my head how silly it was that I was struggling with certain quintet things in the Ewald when what I want to do professionally is quintet. I felt a bit like a joke. I know this is not the way to feel, that you take advice and you make it better on the basis of said advice, and move on to the next struggle...but I don't know. It just got me down this time.

So I'm hoping...no, I'm counting on tonight to go well. I need it to. I need to feel like music is inspiring and good and worth-while. I need to focus and drive forward.

Otherwise I'll end up in a bar everynight jamming out to 80s hair bands.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

musings on being home alone

Both my esteemed roommates are away this weekend, having travelled to San Antonio for the Texas Music Educators Association conference. If you know me at all, you know that having a place to myself once in a while is a big fat smile on my face. Don't get me wrong: these two roommates have been the least stressful I've ever had, and I don't know if that's because they're boys, or we're older, or things are just a little more relaxed than they were when the Cats and I were struggling through our daily routines and trying not to get on each other's nerves about things like dishes and clutter in the living room.

But still: Being home alone is a particular magic I've cherished ever since I was old enough and responsible enough for my parents to leave me for a few hours. It means lounging around in pjs with no one to criticize you, eating crackers and peanut butter while watching whatever trashy movie you're ashamed to own, and peeing with the bathroom door cracked open. It means I can secretly practice Guitar Hero without JH giving me crap about how I give him crap for playing it. It means I can clean up the kitchen and have it stay clean for more than a day. I can practice trombone late into the night or go out and party and bring people home for raucous afterbars or have a dinner party and sit around drinking wine and playing board games.

It be a perfect time to bring someone home to make out with...but I guess I should stop bothering you all with that particular whim of me. C'est la vie!

Monday, February 12, 2007

one more thing

I can't forget...

Yesterday was an anniversary!

Hurray for Pepito the Scion xA!

mood swingin'

Man, have I been moody today. If I had to present a description of my various mental and emotional states, it would look something like a movement of a Mahler symphony.

Symphony No. 1 "Monday the Twelfth" by Lorn
I. Crabby-Antagonistic-Elated and proud
II. Mildly anxious-Sweepingly exhilirated
III. Harried and overworked
IV. Simultaneously lonely and horny (A la tango)

I don't know if it was the weather (rainy, dreary), or just the fact that I was tired and overslept a little, but this morning I couldn't shake the desire to be cranky and resistant in quartet rehearsal. In general, I was having a hard time putting up with one person in the group in a way that wasn't really his fault, but got on my nerves nevertheless. It all sort of washed away after a compliment directed toward me on the part of our coach, and steadily my mood bettered until after my very productive lesson. Running around at errands and last minute details after that got me through to lab band rehearsal, where the presence of one or two attractive people suddenly reminded me of how much I'd like a hug that means something. All this brings us up to now, the point at which I go to the pool and even all these jumping moods out with a good hard swim. It's my first real night off in a solid week and I'm looking forward to laundry and quality practice time. Maybe a good night's sleep will ensure that tomorrow (sure to be a long and busy day already) I won't find myself in a constant imbalance of proper emotions.

(And I absolutely forbid myself to go to the Loophole tonight...absolutely.)

Friday, February 09, 2007

so anyway...

There're some goals you should set and some you just shouldn't.

For example:
I want to get all of my recital music in my ear and under my fingers, as it were, before the end of February so I can spend the month of March polishing.

This is a good goal. This is a goal that is reasonable and easy to accomplish if I am diligent and work hard. This is a goal I will most likely keep.

Another example:
I want to get laid before Valentines Day.

This is a bad goal. This is a goal with the expectation of someone else's mutual interest in you, which may or may not be the case. This is a goal set up along the timeline of a holiday that generally makes lonely people feel sad to begin with, and adding an extra qualification and the prospect of intense disappointment. This is a goal I will not likely keep.

Monday night as usual I went to the Loophole for dollar drafts night, with every intention of being responsible and intelligent about how much I drank, how late I was out, etc. However. A few new people showed up right about the time I was thinking of leaving and that group included a person in whom I was somewhat interested. Said person was already intoxicated and quite friendly, leading me to believe that maybe I could get the ball rolling on my ill-fated resolution. I had no intention of sleeping with Party A that evening (I've learned my lesson about drunk sex), but I thought being chummy couldn't hurt. So I drank another beer and took a proferred shot of Jager (mistake number seven, or so, but probably the worst) and pretty much just caught a second wind. Bar time rolls around and I find myself at a friend's house with Party A, passing whiskey around the table and eating Pop Tarts and fried eggs, talking out my ass about stuff I usually only tell my closer friends.

When the next morning I sleep through half an hour of work (Oh $3 I could have earned! Oh precious!) and stumble through the rest of the day feeling like at any moment I might collapse in a pile of either tears or vomit or both, a realization starts to form in my mind. It doesn't solidify right away, however, because it's all I can do to process basic motor functions.

The next day, a beautiful, sunny, warm and spring-like day (which turned out to be a cruel joke when yesterday it all turned to foggy mist and cold north winds), I was feeling much better and expontentially more clear-headed and reasonable. It was then the realization of the day before began to take a coherent form, which was basically this: drinking because you want to hang out with someone is not necessarily a bad thing, but drinking too much and ignoring your own instincts just because you want to hang out with someone is a recipe for disaster. Not a big difference there, maybe, but subtle enough to count.

And then I realized that I wasn't really interested in this person. That although I've met some new and interesting people lately, no one has really managed to catch my eye and keep it. The older and wiser I get the more romantic and physical interest in someone I have tends toward the mutual. I am tired of chasing after people, of going out of my way, of being in a position of instability. I would like someone to take my interest and return it. I would like to see someone at a bar that I feel like hanging out with and have them return the favor by paying attention and engaging me in conversation. I would like to feel that I am desirable and entertaining and charming.

It's not so much to ask, really.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Here is what's new, briefly, because I haven't got much time before I need to warm up/practice for my lesson and then spend the rest of the day completely booked. Hurray for being busy!

1. Masters Recital March 28th, 2007, 8pm. UNT Concert Hall, also starring my fabulous brass quintet!
2. Until that point, I am not going to be the party girl I have apparently morphed into in the last semester or so. I will go out, have a beer, go home and practice and go to bed at a reasonable hour. This is every night, except that I give myself one day on the weekend to stay out late and enjoy myself, in moderation.
3. Mildy addicted to running. I'm liking it a lot and this is pleasantly surprising.
4. For a while I had some crushes, some desires and some goals as per these things. I think I'm over it. Le sigh.
5. Food is delicious and sleeping is a beautiful thing.