the oracle that is your iPod on shuffle

I know that most songs out there are about love, or someone else, or wanting. But sometimes, your random button just knows the right songs to play.

I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything
I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am
When I go to sleep for good will I be forgiven?
If you want roses you can go buy a bouquet.
If that just won't cut it well then what can I say?
You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone wrong
Strength in my bones, put the words in my head
When they pour out to paper it's all for you, because that's what you do
I want to know your fear from your feet to the back of your ears
When they raise the landing gear will your heart stay here?
If you could forgive me for being so brash, you could hit me or whip me,
I'd savor each lash
No more fighting, this is only a waste of our time, because soon we'll be leaving
Will this strength still be mine?
I'll look out for you until I die, until I rot.

Can't Hide Love by Earth Wind and Fire
You want my love and you can't deny
you know it's true, but you try to hide, yeah
You turn down love like it's really bad, ow
You can't give what you never had, yeah
Well bless your soul, you can fool a few, ha ha
Ah, I know the truth now so do you, how how

(You can't hide, I betcha, hoo,)
Betcha
(Betcha)
Can’t hide love, can’t hide love, well I betcha
(girl, I betcha)
I can’t hide, yeah
(feel inside)

You can't pretend there's nothing there
Girl, I look in your eyes, I see you care
So why not stop trying to run and hide
You won't find out, if you never try,

(You want my love, I betcha,)
Ooooo, yeah, whoa oh whoa
(Hoo, Betcha)

You want my love, well I betcha
(girl, I betcha)
Whoa oh whoa, I’ve a feeling inside
(feel inside)

Love has found the time for kissing, yeah
can you find the time to listen
Life’s found the time to want you, yeah
can you find the time for blissing, yeah, how, how.

carpe something-or-other. just don't sit on your ass and feel sorry for yourself

After a shitty and anxiety-ridden week, I have woken up today with some brighter and calmer spirits with which to shape upcoming days.

Let's just recap:
Monday and Tuesday was spent poring over internet sites, trying to get any news on San Diego, and Rancho Bernardo in particular, that would tell me that my friends and family were all okay and safe and still living in their houses.
Most of the week I was still stressin' about what seemed to be lately my complete lack of performance competence on trombone, and wishing I could shake the rash of bad shows and rehearsals and just...be my trombone self again.
Wed-Monday were spent worrying excessively about major changes in the quintet that had a huge bearing on what came next and how we approached it. I won't write about it here but I'l give you a quick run down in private if you're super curious.
Friday's faux pas on my part in relation to a certain person in whom I am quite interested had me reeling and unhappy, Saturday's progress (or lack thereof) had me convinced that there must be something terribly wrong with me, either that or I'd managed to fall in love with another person not of my sexual orientation. I didn't feel particularly equipped to deal with either of these revelations.

In short, by the end of Sunday night I was an anxiety-ridden and neurotic mess. I was making myself physically ill with all the stress I was putting on myself (having Aunt Flo come by didn't help, either), and I couldn't fall asleep despite being more tired than I think I've ever been in my life.

On Monday something broke in that pattern. During the second of our two kiddie concerts with Santa Fe, I was relaxed (partly due to being so friggen tired I couldn't even make myself think about any of it anymore, partly because it was the third time I'd played this show and it was cake to being with...), and feeling warm chop-wise, and I finally started playing like I know how. Confidently, that is. No holding back on the fun stuff, no worries about what's wrong, just moving forward and making good sounds.

Seems to me musicians aren't always mentally well unless they can really make things happen on their instruments. All of the sudden these problems listed above were surmountable again. The fires have passed, everyone I love is safe. Trombone is fun again, Quintet issues are being dealt with professionally and amicably. And as far as the boy goes- there should be no reason for me to be so anxious. Our time together has been awesome and for me to just simply say, "hey, I like you." without being so afraid of the results is not such a hard thing. If he says, 'thanks but no thanks,' I can move on without feeling like he was the last boy in the world worth my attentions, or that there's something so terribly hideous about me that led him to this decision. And if I'm right and all the signs are there and one of us just has to make the first move- what could be wrong with that?

Now, I've got some business to attend to. Namely, making it to the bank before my last transaction overdraws my account.

resolution

I will be more demanding of what I want, more honest about my feelings, more confident in my trombone playing, and I will live the way I think I ought to, no regrets, no holds barred, no wishful thinking.

I will start immediately.

history repeats itself worse

In case any of you were worried about my folks and friends at home in San Diego, this is just a quick update. My parents evacuated at noon yesterday and went downt to Qualcomm Stadium. They wanted to come back home later, but the freeway was closed. So last I heard, they were spending the night in their cars at the stadium because they didn't want to sleep on cots with 50,000 other people. Fair enough.

RB is hit badly. This is the website I've been going to for news briefs and a list of homes destroyed. Most of those streets are in Westwood, where I used to collect recycling to make money for band. My thoughts are with the Mortisons, the Lannis, the Avriettes, the Sarmientos, the Barrs, and everyone else that lived over there and is suffering from these terrible fires. I know of one old acquaintence whose family home is completely gone. Winds aren't expected to break until Wednesday, and last I check, the fire is one 1 percent contained. San Diego needs help.

woman on the move

Think I rocked my interview yesterday...more details to follow about the specifics of the job and the news as it breaks.

Meanwhile, my inner ethnomusicologist is stirring up a post on Eastern philosophy's influence on funk and soul music. Hello, inner ethnomusicologist!

And I am a woman on the move. Look at me, movi...zzzzzz.

letters, redux

Dear Right Eye o' mine,

I am hoping that this will all get better on its own. Are you thinking positively with me? Because I need some sign that you are healing. So many things are starting to go right that to have to go through surgery and recovery might completely change the way this year ends up. Have you seen how well Left Eye is doing? It sees almost at a level, and it's definitely much stronger now! If you get better, the two of you can work together and we can all have something resembling normal vision for the first time in our lives.

All my best,
Lorn

Dear Season Four of the Office,

You are really funny, but I have to say I'm looking forward to the episodes going back down to just a half hour. There seems to be a point in these longer episodes where shit just gets a little uncomfortable and awkward. Maybe that's your intention, if so, that's cool. It's just...I miss the concise comedy of the shorter episodes. Just sayin'.

Only a little stitious,
Lorn

Dear Job Interviews on Wednesday and Friday,

I am going to rock you. Prepare for rock.

Love,
Lorn

Dear Red Circle,

I hope that on Friday I can give you my two weeks notice. You see, I am a smart and driven woman, and working as a cashier for you is just not what I want to be doing with my time. I appreciate the hours and the money, to be sure, but I need some more freedom and a little more personality. Plus, I've never been great at working in retail because the whole society of consumerism just sickens the crap out of me.

I hope we can part on friendly terms,
Lorn

Dear 'Jesus Camp' (the movie),

Wow.

Stunned and disgusted with evangelical Christians,
Lorn

Dear Boy,

I am sending good vibes your way. I want you to know that I cannot make any sort of first move for many stupid and anxiety-ridden reasons. I hope you understand. Please don't let me be wrong about this one. I've been wrong so many times...I need a win. I am amazing, you are amazing, let us combine our powers and be amazing together.

Yours in daydreams,
Lorn

Dear Albuquerque,

I love you. Thank you for having me.

Always,
Lorn

sunday's mixed bag

So, working for the big chain store with the red circle for a logo is not the worst deal ever. I get paid well enough, it's easy, and so far no one's been a tremendous asshole. We'll see how it works when I need to find time off to do a gig or have a rehearsal, but for now, it's money in the bank that I don't have to sweat for.

Today was interesting. I think I'm going to miss having the Balloon Fiesta in town because it's given me a chance to speak with a fair amount of out-of-towners, some from places I've lived or others with an interest in what's in town and how to get there. Today someone asked what the New Mexico sales tax was, and I, not knowing, told them I had just moved from Texas and wasn't sure. I was asked why I moved and I explained the Copper Street thing, getting the most positive and friendly response yet! The woman was a music teacher and she knew all about it. We talked for a little bit and it made me happy to have established a personality at work, which has so far been one of my struggles.

I almost called a guy a lucky bastard for buying a box of condoms. Curse my inability to get laid!

I think it was Hot Dad Day today. We had one of those every other week or so at the pool this summer, and if it's the same at Red Circle, I'll be mighty pleased.

There were a lot of people with puppies today. *shrug*

I must find something to do for the rest of the day that involves me keeping busy and not burning up my right eye. I guess a movie. I need to practice. We play for Empire Brass on Friday! Holy Shit!

Large, resounding, deep breaths.