unnggghh

Do you ever finish all the cookies, even though you're dying of sugary sweetness, in one sitting just because you don't want there to be any more when you come back later and you can stop this seemingly endless gorging yourself once and for all (until the next time you go to the store and see them on sale 2 for $5 again)?

Oh god those cookies were good though.

subcutaneous fat turns to gold in california

In three weeks I will be in San Diego. I haven't been home since Christmas, and as crazy as I was going then, I of course miss it desperately now. For this visit, though, I'm taking Chuck- and visits home are always more bearable and interesting if I can play tour guide.

Chuck has never been west of Amarillo, Texas!!

We are driving- one day to Las Cruces, New Mexico, and then the next all the way into America's Finest City. Total mileage: 1,370. Total hours: 21.

I am looking forward to:
-Scenery in New Mexico
-Thunderstorms in Arizona
-The scent of nighttime air on the desert
-The mountains in eastern San Diego county, the familar towns
-I15 going north to home
-The Pacific Ocean: kayaking, swimming, snorkling, strolling down the beach, sleeping in the sand
-Hiking to my waterfall in Los Penasquitos
-Sitting on the porch swing, reading and falling asleep in the sunshine
-Seeing people: Nat'ly and Dan, Jennii, Katie, Sean, hopefully others?
-The Zoo, Balboa Park, Coronado: parts of San Diego that I am proud to show off
-Wednesday night at the Martini Ranch

San Diego for a week, then back to Texas (Houston, to be specific) to visit with Chuck's family. Then we're off to ITF for two days of jam-packed trombonist bonding (and drinking). And then home, where summer jobs will start in earnest.

Friday night Chuck and I drove down to Houston to pick up his mom's van so he could move some stuff into storage for the summer. His family is interesting. His dad and mine could compete for "most awkwardly inserted conversational phrases."

How's, "so, you shacking up with your girlfriend?" for awkward?

Yeah, I thought so too.

"what the fuck, texas?" #4


Not only did they use the word "commode," but their toilets are also elongated...for those Texans afflicted with the rare Long Ass Disorder (LAD). 

um, squee?

Survey: Will next weekend be a vindication of my geeky, Douglas Adams-inspired adolescence?

Whatever happens, my towel and I will be there opening weekend. Voon.

do you ever...

worry about your car and the fact that you don't know much about car maintenance?

want to ask someone named Colby if he was named after the cheese?

think about how sweet a deal it is to get paid to hang out with kids for a living?

realize how astounding the amount of knowledge you actually have is?

cower in fear when you think about how much knowledge there is left to gain?

think about where you've come from, and where you're going, and feel amazed?

think about the person you used to be, even just a little while ago, and see how much you've changed?

wish it would rain so you don't have to wash your car?

wish you knew more about cooking?

realize how much sometimes you hate "home" but when you're gone for too long, you really miss it?

wish you could find a place that was longer than temporary?

eat ice cream out of the carton?

I do.

Happy Wednesday!

i'm back, baby!

Okay, fun yet sometimes stressful weekend in DC. I'm in the process of putting up pictures on the photoblog but my computer's slower than molasses and I'm tired of waiting around for it to perk up.

It's state testing week in Texas which means my lesson schedules are all fucked up. I'm thinking about just not going...a week off, even though I'm only four weeks from vacation, sounds like the nicest thing in the world right now. My brain is in permanent off mode...and I definitely haven't been getting enough sleep for the past few weeks.

Tomorrow night is Wednesday already, and it's going to have to be a hardcore beer and bitching session with Tim and Allison.

Your "What the Fuck, Texas?" post of the week is on its way, I promise. You'll like it.

And, finally, The Chuck not only picked me up from the airport yesterday, but he also got my mail, and left both beer and donuts at my apartment. Best boyfriend ever!

some stuff i have to do but inexplicably am not

-Get an oil change (this is extremely important as I am nearly 2,000 miles over my limit and a few days past the date...yes I know it's whichever comes first).
-FAFSA it up
-Call millions of students explaining how Texas is lame and next week we will either not have a lesson or it will be at a weird and inconvenient time for all involved.
-Pack for my weekend.
-Work out,half-assedly (anytime I work out, it's always half-assed).
-Reorganize my closet so Chuck can put some stuff in there.
-Figure out when to take the GRE
-Investigate small claims court info for bashed up horn
-Some other stuff I'm likely forgetting, but that's okay, I wasn't going to do it anyway.

Why am I procrastinating?

Because I'm off to Washington, D.C. tomorrow! To celebrate Marisa's final few months of freedom!

And I'm excited. You bet.

it's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up

I was surfing the internet for a place to get my hair cut in Dallas that a)has people who speak English fluently enough to understand what kind of haircut I want, b) manages to cost somewhere between $10-20 without being dirty and, and c) has a ratio of blonde, bouffant-coiffed women to normal looking people with regular, nicely done hairdos of 1 to 5 (I can't ask for too much, this is Texas, after all). I really need a haircut. Really. Chuck took a stab at it and did a nice job of cleaning up the shaggies around my ear and neck, but really, this needs to be done by a seasoned professional. Unfortunately I keep venturing out into the world to get a haircut and coming home unshorn because I can't find a place that looks satisfactory enough from the safety of my vehicle to actually attempt entry.

Anyway, this page I found with a listing of salons, while not only most unhelpful, also contained this happy little blurb at the bottom:

On the most special day in a girls life, she absolutely must look her most beautiful and glamourous. Not a single hair can be out of place or the day would be less than perfection, and so would the wedding pictures. Prior to the big day it would be a great idea to visit a beauty salon or spa.

I'll give you a second to figure out why that's annoying as all hell.




Okay?

1. I hope, if I ever lose my senses long enough to get married, that I will no longer be a "girl."
2. Oh, I forgot that the one day of my life I should be looking forward to the most is the day I get married. I mean, what else matters? And if I miss that, I've totally failed as a woman.
3. Wait, you only get one day to be special? What if everything goes terribly wrong? Did you see how out of control my hair was in that picture? OMIGOD it's like the whole day is ruined! I can't remember all the fun I had and how drunk and silly we got and how I'm totally in love with [insert husband/wife's name here] because my hair RUINED THE WEDDING PICTURES!!! Let's all get so wrapped up in pop culture and beauty standards and the absolute perfection of 12 hours of one day of our life that we can't ever see the true meaning of why we gather together in the first place! But don't forget that even if you got married in a big rush because you thought you'd never meet "the one" since all those fashion magazines and bullshit surveys told you the smarter you were the less likely you were to get married and so you said yes to the first person who asked, and eventually you get divorced because you don't even know who the fuck this person is, at least you got married, right? So there!

Sorry. Got stuck in an angry loop there. Have a nice day. :)

tales of interest

Weekly now on Buddha Stew will be a "What the Fuck, Texas?" feature. The first official post is a billboard by the freeway near my apartment. To me it looks like they were going to maybe, you know, put up some explanatory text next to the toilet, but went on lunch break and never...came...back.

Since it seems to be open season for "What the Fuck, Texas?" you get a bonus two posts:
The Area Woman Pees on Author's Car story, and the infamous picture of the Texan that caused the HRC to fold, with a heave and a sigh, and a "fuck this shit, I'm moving to Canada!"

Please check out my new link on the blogroll, Ugly Juice. Excellent use of Onion-style headlines.

Plans for my summer vacation:
-Road trip to CA with the Ugly Chuckling, followed by a road trip to New Orleans for the ITF. Drunken haze ensues while geeking out with fellow trombonists.
-Work at a pool in Plano (oh, Christ, that commute again), teach trombone lessons and various summer band camps.
-Visit T & A in Rice Lake, WI. Drunken haze ensues while getting a righteous sunburn on a boat in a lake in northern Wisconsin.
-Visit New York/Long Island, successfully see Dennis and Marisa wed. Drunken haze ensues while celebrating love and happiness.
-Move to Denton, work ass off to rock auditions at UNT.

Also, Tim and Allison came over last night. We had a good time.

I'm starting a new, weekly series on my blog. It's called, "What the Fuck, Texas?" Here's your first installment for the week of April 10th. 

words fail me

Scene: I'm at the laundromat, minding my own business, just finishing up with my 85,000 lbs of laundry and listening to Tim's excellent mix CD he made for me (which, by the way, is exactly as long as doing laundry!). It's just me and the guy closing the place, hanging out and stuff.

In runs a woman, yelling loudly "I havta use your bathroom! Please sir can I use your bathroom?!!!?!?"

To which he replies, "Sorry, out of order!"

"Lemme use it anyway! I gotta pee sooo baaad! OH LORD I've got to pee. OH!" (This last "OH!" is like a squeal; you can hear the pain in her voice as it sweeps up into her brain and stifles every last thought except the one that says "EVACUATE BLADDER IMMEDIATELY" with accompanying flashing red light.

"FUCK IT! I'm going outside!"

So she runs back out the door and around, and I figure she's going to go around the back of the building maybe, or find herself a bush. I go back to folding laundry.

Something catches my eye, and as I look up again I see that she's squatting right in front of the laundromat...

Directly in front of my driver's side door.

This lady peed a veritible Mississippi (and I will give her that, the liquid evidence did not fail her intense need for urination) not in front of my car, not behind it, not on the passenger side...

But right by my fucking driver's side door.

...

...

...

Wow.

I managed to snap this picture right before MY HEAD EXPLODED. 

how to drive like a texan

A Manual for New Drivers.

Step One: Acquiring a Vehicle

Choose one of the following:
a)The biggest, widest, shiniest truck you can find. F250-350 preferred. Attach cattle catchers.
b)The biggest, widest Suburban, you can find, white only. It should come from the dealer with W '04 sticker already applied.
c)The biggest, widest, rusted-outted-est old Cadillac (it is acceptable to replace the Cadillac with other versions of square-ass pimp cars from the 70s. The more it looks like something your grandma would drive, the better) you can find.

Accessories:
Bush/Cheney stickers (more authentic with '00 sticker next to '04)
God Bless America stickers
"Power of Pride" stickers
Magnetic ribbons (the "Save our Troops" ribbon is the most common; however, for an especially Texan flavor, find as many different ones as possible and use all of them)
Some reference to deer hunting
Christian fish magnet
Decal of Calvin (minus buddy Hobbes...he was always the real troublemaker, anyhow) praying at a cross
Sticker that says "JESUS!" in the loudest, largest letters possible.

Once you have acquired a vehicle and the necessary accessories, you're ready for the road. Just insert your head into your anus and get behind the wheel.

Step Two: The Freeway

It doesn't matter if you've never really driven on a normal street before, you'll find that Texas highways are a fun and easy place to drive if you follow these important rules.

Frontage roads
Many Texas highways are built with frontage roads on either side, one way in the direction of traffic, that assist in boosting the ecomony of the roadside mechanic's shop and fast food restaurant. If you are using the frontage road to enter the freeway, wait in the furthestmost lane from the ramp until the last possible minute, then swerve gracefully over to enter the highway.

Merging onto the freeway
There is no reason to use the onramp as a way of gaining speed to catch up to the flow of traffic, as is a common misconception. Maintain your frontage road speed and make sure to ignore the cars approaching you in the right lane of the highway. They'll slow or speed up to meet your needs. If you are in the right lane of the highway however, make sure to ignore those merging as you have the right of way.

Blinkers
You have two options when it comes to blinkers.
One, you may leave one on, constantly, as no one is sure what it is for anyway.
Two, don't bother using it! As we said, who knows what the silly blinky thing is for?

Flow of traffic
Contrary to what out of state drivers may think, the speed limit posted is just that: a limit. You may go over, but not if you chose option C as your vehicle. Pick a lane and go as fast or slow as you please or as your automobile will allow. If you chose option A or B, be sure to match the speed of the person in front of you by driving as closely to their bumper as you can without striking them.
Vehicles, especially the kind you'll be driving, are often hindered by what are known as "blind spots." When another vehicle or object is in your blind spot, you will be unable to see them properly. If another vehicle on the road is trying to change lanes or merge, make sure to stay in their blind spot so as not to confuse them with more distractions than are already present on the dangerous road.
When approaching a vehicle with non state-certified equipment and/or accessories (such as a Kerry-Edwards sticker, other liberal propaganda, or an out of state licence plate, first tailgate them as closely as possible, then pass them and drive below the flow of traffic. Make sure that their blind spots are covered by other drivers on the road and prevent them from changing lanes or exiting the highway. Use courtesy profanity; driving friendly, the Texas way, is a how we say howdy on the road.

Exiting the highway
Slow down as soon as you see the sign for your exit, and make sure to achieve frontage road speed at least 100 feet before you actually reach the ramp.

That was easy, wasn't it? Let's get you driving our beautifully maintained surface streets!

Step Three: Your Neighborhood

Most major surface streets in Texas cities have a speed limit of up to 40 mph, but never go any faster than 30.

Making a right turn
Right turns are tricky business. Make sure to go as slowly and deliberately as possible, arcing into the next street as far as possible. You don't want to tip over!

Making a left turn
If you have a turn lane, curve outward as you go, intersecting the oncoming traffic on the street you are turning off of. Remember to go slowly!
If turning from a smaller street onto a larger one with a median, when oncoming traffic from your left is clear, pull out and position yourself in the middle of the road, ready to merge into the direction you'd like to go. Make sure to block traffic from your left as much as possible- don't worry, they'll stop for you! It's more than likely they know what's going on, and are paying proper attention to the road.

Conclusion
These few simple tips should make it easy for you to participate fully and happily while driving in our great state. If it's not listed here, than go ahead and make up your own rule...experimentation is the best method of education. Other drivers on the road are always curious to see new and daring forms of innovation in driving, and you're just the operator to give it to them! Let's get driving!

madlibs madness

Description of Wedding
The dirty wedding yesterday afternoon between honkin' Sandy Hyman and her groom, Phil McCracken, was carried off harmonically. The bride wore a long gimungous hymen-remover with phallic eding and a cubist neckline. At the end of the fucking ceremony, there wasn't a dry crock rocket in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a grandious man, just the type of trouser-snake we wanted for our melismatic daughter." The pornographic couple left midst a flurry of penultimate congratulations, to spend a Jesus-rific honeymoon visiting hungry, hungry hippos in Lake Redneck. They are sure to live lustily for many years.

[I give that one the award for the most effective mix of both sexual innuendos/slang and erudite musical terminology.]

slipping away again

Hmm. What to blog about? Life recently has been pretty damn fantastic and I almost (at least on the weekends) don't have time to blog. We can go over my weekend as example, briefly, if you like.

Friday
Chuck came down from Denton around 6, and we went out to an amazing Greek restaurant called Sevan's, on Lower Greenville. The owner and his wife, our server, were ridiculously nice. The hummus was good, the falafel was perfect, and Chuck's gyro plate was beyond amazing. I went selectively vegetarian for the night so I could try the lamb, and I didn't regret it.

Anyway, on the way back we stopped at Tim and Allison's place for a beer, since they had decided to be lame and not come to my housewarming party. Got back to my apartment in time to save Gabe from hours of endless waiting outside of my apartment complex's gate (Sorry Gabe!), Jason and Leon came, and we got drunk. Some interesting things happened. The regional incarnation of Teoteotea (goddess of drunken musician bacchanales), Tricia2001, showed up and made her own t-shirt line ("Tricia2001: Not your ordinary beaver", or perhaps you'd prefer Tricia2001: A spanking pang in your fuckstick"?). Much madlibbing. I'll leave you with one of our classiest ones in a separate entry. We dressed Chuck up as an Eastern European, world-weary transvestite prostitute named Tonya, although it took us hours to come up a name upon which we could all agree.

Saturday
Jason and Gabe hung around until 5 pm, more silliness consumed us. Tricia2001 was obviously not done with us...

But eventually, they left, Chuck and I got cleaned up and went over to T & A's for dinner. They made awesome Pad Thai, we drank wine and watched "This is Spinal Tap", which Chuck had never seen. Then we played some sort of drunken round robin of old skool MarioKart while listening to Allison's bad party music playlist. Twas...awesome.

Sunday
Both Chuck and I were feeling mildly like we were coming down with the plague, so we slept late and in general did nothing. Around 5 or so we cleaned up and went to Half Price Books, where I got the most amazing thing ever for $10: A four LP collection of chamber works by women composers- Fanny Mendolssohn's Piano Trio, Clara Schumann's Piano Trio, music by Amy Beach and Lili Boulanger. I haven't been able to satisfactorily find anything like this on CD, so this particular collection nearly made my panties moist. I also got an LP recording of Bernstein's 1st Symphony and a two CD set of NY Phil playing Mahler 2, 5, and 8. All for under $30. Love me some used music.

After cashing in at the store, we headed to The Blue Fish, also on Greenville, for sushi, although we were both kind of crabby and cold. It was a beautiful day, but windy, and our table outside was not in the sun. The sushi was good- I've had better spicy tuna rolls, but the shrimp tempura and CA rolls were awesome. I was in just the sort of mood where the ugliness of mankind (and yes, I mean mankind) was grating: a continuous stream of motorcycles was making its way up and down the street and being more obnoxious than is really necessary. They drowned out the good Cuban band playing live across the street, and this was a particular insult. I hate that we have made, through the "wonders of technology", so many ugly, noisy things. The world needs more trombones and pianos and big, booming orchestras; not motorcycles and trucks.

Perhaps I'm just biased.

After dinner we made cookies and I convinced him to stay another night. We laughed over some silly things on the internet and then decided to crash early, still feeling relatively plague-ish.

Let me tell you something that awes me about Chuck.

Most people, when I'm crabby, will get the worst of me- at those times I am easily aggravated and notoriously short-fused. But somehow with the boy I'll start out on a crabby binge...and end up laughing my ass off two minutes later when I realize how ridiculous I am. And he's the same way.

My sides ache. I've laughed so hard this weekend it'll take me a month to recover.

But back to the story...

So, instead of actually going to bed, we talked, I showed him my box of pictures, we ranted about political causes. When we finally fell asleep it was nearly 2 am.

Monday
Chuck woke up with the full-fledged plague; I took echinacea last night and feel fine, if not a little touchy and achy. I did offer Chuck some echinacea, before you judge, but he refused. In lieu of leaving, he stayed. Until 3, when he took off to make a rehearsal at 4.

So that was me, this weekend. Crazy, drunk, hilarious, sick, talkative, lazy, playful, mischevious, attentive. Maybe you can see why I haven't had much time to blog...I apologize if you've missed me. I probably miss you too.

But I wouldn't give up this weekend for anything. And yes, the sex was fantastic too.