tonight let us all do as jamiroquai tells us, and that is, "Dance!"

the day has finally arrived! :)

i don't understand why exactly, but tonight i just hit one of those moods...everything piled up just seems so huge all i feel like doing is bawling my eyes out. and of course everytime that happens i get lonely too and it ends up that there is inevitably no one to give hugs. or at least the right person is indisposed. as was the case tonight and good grief! i'm going insane! i dunno. fetal position sounds pretty good right now. just so.

only three more morning shifts left! which reminds me, I have to figure out when I can work next semester. hmm...no AMs! eeeevil. my schedule for next semester is schweet...two power lectures on tuesday and thursday and the rest is nothing but rehearsals. so that means on monday, wednesday and friday there is no early-getting up! sleep for lorn! hurray! i'm looking forward to a semester of ultimate laziness. boo-ya.
anyway, speaking of sleeping i ought to be getting to bed. goo-night!

home! (well, second home) i have decided to devote today to the study of music, as i have not done such for several days. but first i have to get over all the obstacles in my way...grr, i can't find my barrettes, i ran out of contact solution, the kitchen smells like cooked spinach which has nearly obliterated my appetite for breakfast, even though i'm devastatingly hungry, my dress can't be exchanged....argh argh argh. oh well. i thought i would complain a little and get it out of my system.

Last night Davis Alex and I had an adventure! We trekked out to serene and historic Marshall (I have no idea if it is either, but bear with me in my attempts at dramatic effect) to witness what might be the last show I Voted For Kodos would ever do. After some minor mishaps regarding not having enough money to get in, we managed to enter this quaint little junior high gymnasium and discover that we were the oldest and most conservatively dressed kids in the room (discounting the chaperones, of course...chaperones!!! hahah). Nevertheless, Kodos put on a good show, but we left at their break because we were tired (now i do feel old). We threw some dodge balls at them from backstage first, and Alex attempted to steal Ross's bass. We played on the (wet) playground equipment for a while (hopscotch! uneven bars! wobbly bridges!) and then headed back to boring old Madison. And that was my evening of ska-filled fun.

I realized when we walked into that gym how much I've changed since high school. Everyone looked so young. A year and a half ago I would have loved it in there. I would have been dressed the part, I would have danced the part...well, now i'm just an old college kid, with my "generic college vest" as Toby coined it, and my flat uninteresting hairdo and all that. Weird! Still, we were the envy of all the kiddies, sauntering up to the stage and saying "hi" to Nick and Ross. hehe...well, Cheers to growing up.

I'm rereading some of my old blog archives, and I just realized two things:
1) I miss getting long thoughtful Ben emails
2)My best blogging was done when I was still in Prof Dunne's Intro to Buddhism class.

I highly recommend the week of March 18th-24th. Home of the infamous "Ryan" blog and the discussion on intersubjective samadhi. Very good stuff, if I may say so myself. I haven't been quite up to par since (and that's a shame because it was only my second week of blogging).

well...I am desperate to get back to Madison but I have to patient for another half a day. Sigh!

a very merry thanksgiving! it has been relatively calm here at my aunt and uncle's place--good food, plenty of it. actually we went to my aunt's brother's house in Oostburg...what a name for a town! Oostburg. ha! well, Rebecca's been okay. Yesterday she threw a mirror at my head! That was kind of nifty, especially when it pegged me just below the eye. I was, surprisingly, I'm sure, incredibly displeased and therefore refused to speak to her for a while. It worked like a charm...she was a sweetheart for the rest of the evening and she even apologized! She's never done that before. At any rate, today she was a little jealous that I was playing with her other cousin Samantha, because she thought I wasn't paying attention to her. So that got a little rough. But all in all (minus the flying mirrors) she's been alright.

I've been thinking a lot about Jerry (because I miss him!) but also about relationships, and I think I need some help. I think I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend, there's been too many years between him and Dave and I can't remember.... I mean...I need to relax. And I need to find a sense of security. Of course, it's bound to be awkward in a five-days old relationship. We need to get to know each other a little better too. Project! Ha! A project. Neat-o. When I talked to my parents, they were very negative about Jerry's nose ring. But I talked to my mom the next day and she apologized and made me feel very good! I love my mom. She's a cool cat. Also, on the ironic side of things...anyone from high school remember how my crushes always seemed to have names starting with "J?" (Jon R, that one Jesse kid from US History, Jaime, etc etc)--well, here life goes and throws me a curve! This time it works out. :) What does that tell you? I dunno--we'll see.

Still having Bill troubles, but I emailed Sean, my private teacher at home, and asked him if I could call and get some advice. So that's this weekend. This entire situation is making me feel very helpless. What am I going to do if we can't resolve our issues? I'm working very hard this year, and I can actually see improvement for once in my playing, but I feel like all of this is dragging me down and it's going to hurt me in the professional long run. I just don't know what to do right now. When I emailed him and asked if we could discuss in person some of this stuff, he emailed back with "what's to discuss?" and then a long tirade on what exactly I should do next, etc. So in my reply I told him that I still think we should meet...which means I need to have my shit together before then. I can't wait to talk to Sean! He'll be a tremendous help. I wish he were my professor...he's hip (even down to wearing socks with sandals), he actually keeps up with the professional and teaching worlds and introduces new techniques to his kids, he's not old and stubborn, he's enthusiastic, his jokes aren't dumb, he buys you beer. All positives, in my book. :) Well, everyone cross your fingers for me!

Back to the world of cousin...hurray, Barbies!

hehe. i'm posting from davis' computer! she and chris are listening to some music history stuff so they need to tie up the phone line. anyway, there will be pizza tonight! i need it. it's recovery food. recovery from not sleeping or eating very well, recovery from professor troubles (which have only gotten worse since my bitch post of 11/15), etc etc. i should be practicing my conducting stuff, i as i get to go in class tomorrow, but my little yamaha piano's speakers are busted and i can't get any sound out of it. so that sucks and it means i have to get up earlier tomorrow morning so i can warm up and practice conducting. i'm way behind in this class. i haven't done any video taping in two weeks and i hardly ever practice. i really need to go see him about assymmetrical beat patterns and cueing...but argh! it's so easy to slack. :)

ah well. this is the kind of night you just want pizza and some lovin'. well, at least there will be pizza. the lovin' is finishing his sculpture project. damn, davis' computer screen is reallly extra bright. or maybe my eyes are just tired. hurray for the babble. i wish jessie were online. i could get in some quality really tired babble right now and she'd appreciate it. where is the pizza!?!?!

another successful trombone studio party!!! much drunkeness all around! chairs breaking! packing-peanut throwing! singing along to frank sinatra!

the two funniest things that happened all evening are probably these:
Apparently (i was not present for any of this as I was witnessing the second funny event) LJ and Davis both sat on of the kitchen chairs together, and it started to bend a little. So no one was supposed to sit on it, but Davis forget and did anyway...and it collapsed upon her! She got scared that I would be mad about it, so LJ took it outside and put it in the backyard. Sunday morning I was wandering around the kitchen when I realized that we only had three kitchen chairs...and the other was decidedly absent from all rooms of the house. I shrugged, and walked out the back door only to find the poor chair, disabled, in the grass near the cellar door.

The second funny event involves Sean O'Hara climbing into a large cardboard box and then falling over, spilling styrofoam pellets everywhere. You had to be there. It was hilarious.

There is a good deal of happiness going down in Lorn's life right now. I knew if I whined about being lonely enough someone would pick up on it. Hehe...just kidding. But, I would just like to say this: Jerry you make me very happy!

this message is dedicated to andy putnam. hey, andy, you rock :)

i don't think i could express anything in words right now but believe me, i'm grinning like a big idiot. more later...i have to get up early (in 5 or so hours) and deal with martha stoner and shopping and football games...but once that's done...it's PAAAAARTY time!

I've always considered myself a fairly responsible and trustworthy person--i'm not usually late, i don't forget commitments, i take care of conflicts--but apparently my professor feels differently. Now, because I feel this way about myself, I react very negatively to lectures from said professor about my poor-decision making skills, especially when it is an obvious misunderstanding. I agreed to play in the orchestra concerts on Dec 6th and 8th, only to find out the next week that the 6th is also the night of our russian folk orchestra concert. Now, even though the RFO is a non-SOM group, I have been playing with them for three semesters and owe more responsibility to Victor than I do to the orchestra. Nevertheless, I have agreed to play these concerts, and they are low on trombones so my backing out would surely cause trouble. It's most likely that I can do both...the RFO gig is the CREECA christmas party and can be scheduled for earlier in the evening, which I told Bill and said that it would work out, I just had to confirm with Victor. So he angers me for jumping to conclusions and assuming that my doubts were an automatic failure to be responsible. This is on top of the fact that he just put me on the bass trombone part without asking---and hmm, let's see, if I remember correctly, we had a conversation about this way back when, oh yes, and I told Bill that I love playing bass but I am originally a tenor player. This means if he needs a bass player he should ask me, not just assume that I should do it ("because I have a horn"). I don't mind, just let me know! I'm not likely to say no, but I appreciate being consulted about which instrument I have to bring. He's done the same thing for some trombone choir stuff...which means at our concert in december I'm going to have to haul two (2) trombones up to the capital, warm up two (2) horns, and figure out logistics of placing and storing these two (2) horns. And then I again have to haul back two (2) horns to humanities. If I played the flute or something, that'd be fine. Dandy. No worries about tired hands or stessed tendons, easy. So he damn well better give one of my horns (and it's going to be Bernard 'cause there ain't no way I'm carrying his heavy ass half a mile) a ride to the concert. Well, anyway, he's just so adept at pissing me off. I'm not sure what I'm going to do to stay sane for the next three semesters. Maybe I'll take my out jury one semester early....

My basic concern here is:
It would be extremely easy for me to get out of the RFO concert. Victor's a pussycat...he has another contrabass player who is pretty solid on his notes and it's not like I'm all that great. But i don't want to back out. As long as I've been taking responsibility for my own shit, running into a conflict has meant that I give in to the commitment I'm more afraid of breaking rather than the one that is most important to me. And I always feel terrible about it. Well, learn from your mistakes! I don't want to give in this time. I will feel much better about my capability to be a functioning and responsible adult-type person.

good morning! i've been thinking, and i feel pretty calm today. So:
I would like to make a formal apology for my behavior of the last five or so days. Especially for yesterday. Yesterday all that anxiousness and happiness and worry and everything else caught up to me and I freaked. I panicked. And it is totally undeserving. I've realized that if you go around so worked up you lose your appetite (no matter how hungry you are) everytime food is put in front of you, you start to go a little insane. It also makes you hungrier. :) I've realized that if you go around with your hopes on frickin' Mars (as mine have been), you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment, heartbreak not the least of these. I've realized that the games are all inside my head, and no one else's. I've realized that it's time to relax and roll with what happens...no matter how far away it may seem.

Does that sound healthier? I would imagine so. And I bet this sounds even better: it's time to go eat some breakfast. :)

again, with the games! again, with me always finding something to be stressed out or anxious about!

i'm playing a game of two-person tag (as he has confirmed he is playing), and i chased the other person around and around and tagged him, he's it! and he sat down under a tree and went to sleep. nice time for a nap when lorn's emotions are all in turmoil! arhahahgrhaargh. okay, i must stop panicking. it's a busy week, boys are slow, there's lots of reasonable excuses. all the games are in my head. i guess what makes it hardest for me is that when i see him he acts very nonchalant about everything and that forces me into an attitude of coolness as well, and so it goes (except for today when i spilled water all over myself). this is saying that i see him frequently which is not true, i've only seen him twice since friday. that too, is driving me insane. Jerry you are driving me insane!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaahhh!!!

patience is a virtue, but impatience is a talent, and i have perfected it.

a very merry tuesday buddha stewers! i'm rather tired--i keep waking up around 3 am and not being able to go back to sleep for a long time, but miraculously this might be the first time all year i've been able to get in a nap. brass quintet has been cancelled as mikey has a jazz band gig, so i have plenty of time to chill out, practice, etc...and there's water polo tonight! there hasn't been h2o polo in many weeks. hangin' with the nat cats, yeee-ah. which means i can nail down arwen on a time to come over for tea. now that i actually have something exciting to talk about.

okay, so i just found a staple in my keyboard. what? a staple? who's been dropping staples in my keyboard? grr...

congratulations, grant, on making the concerto finals!

nap time mmm mm mm. :)

happy happy happy ridiculously happy. :D

Lorn's Senseless but Still Very Exciting News for Today, November 11:

I have officially named both my tenor and my bass trombones! My bass is named Bernard (said with a little Jaja Gabor type accent--swallow the r and stress the d), and my tenor Bianca. Now, someone might think...hmm, that sounds familiar, and then you'll go and pull out your copy of Disney's The Rescuers and say, "hey! Bernard and Bianca!!! Hey!!" and you'll be right, because yes, my trombones were named after two cartoon mice. Not for any specific tribute to the movie, which I haven't seen in...oh...seven years or so. Bernard got his name first, and it has a little more meaning at the moment...it's paying homage to good old RB High and it's alliterative (Bernard the Bass Bone). Bianca...well, that just came to me yesterday when I was spending a little quality time with her (she's been feeling a little neglected lately, as I adjust to Bernard) and I realized that in the movie, Bernard and Bianca are lovers. Well, I want my trombones to get along well (with me in the middle), so I figured that it was perfect!! Bianca has to get used to it...she's been nameless (and, frankly, sexless) for so long, but I think she likes it and it'll all be good.

now, not every musician names their instrument. I realize how crazy this all sounds. But i think we should love our horns and use them as friends and extensions of our music. anyway, i do think it's kind of nuts but i like it. I'm very proud of my names. Bernard and Bianca.

Good Morning! I decided to get rid of my comment function. I don't think it was working right and plus it looked really bad. So if you want to talk to me you'll have to do it the old fashioned way, email. (hehe)

needless to say, i'm feeling pretty happy. schmurific. mahvelous. and sort of sick to my stomach too, in that pleasant kind of way. Neat. Perhaps I will get out to JC Penney today. This will require some doing. I hope I don't have to take the bus. But...it's all right because this is turning out to be a very very good weekend because I hardly have anything planned!! No football game, I don't have to play in master class on monday, no SAI meeting (although the party last night was very very fun)...the only thing I really have to do is work, and that's alright (even though Brian isn't there tomorrow and therefore I can't be amused by his random thoughts on cribbage playing) because I like work. I even got to sleep as long as I wanted to today! that hasn't happened on a saturday since summer. So for once, a weekend as it was meant to be, relaxing. I think we are having a "chill" tonight. Our house gets volunteered for a lot of chills, it seems. The more the merrier!

In perfect honesty I think I should stop writing because all I can string together this morning are little choppy sentences that betray no sort of emotion, even though there is a good deal of (happy) emotion wreaking havoc inside of me. So....perhaps I should go do some practicing. :)

*celebration*

tomorrow is going to be a big day...yeah, lorn's gonna do something she hasn't done since freshman year of high school: she's going to ask someone out on a date! woohoo!! more specifically, she's gonna ask them to the school of music formal dance on november 30th...and he's gonna say yes, dammit!!! (we're all thinking positive thoughts on this one) hopefully this will not be another Jon Rathsam experience and I will not get rejected for a family film festival.
wish me luck!!!!

Happy Tuesday! Happy Brass Bashing!

before i start to bitch and moan i will have to say that today was the BEST football game i've ever been too. the crowd was loud as all hell, the wave got all the way to the reverse (split didn't work out so well), we were sitting 20 rows up from the field and i could see everything that was happening in the band, and the game was interesting for once...and we kicked ass! hurray! so that's good. the rest of the evening has been a little rocky.

i got home from sai intending to hang with abby, but she forgot about a prior commitment so had to back out. so i started to wash the dishes, which proved to be a near disaster...i dropped five plates and the cake pan all at once and there was chocolate and soup everywhere. and for some reason this just made me snap...suddenly i felt very angry and very lonely and i didn't know what to do. i needed to talk to someone. so i called mikey and chris, hoping one at least would go to the jazz jam with me. nobody home! alex calls for davis, few minutes later davis comes home, etc. alex davis and i go to jazz jam, yay, some good laughs. watch e.t. with grant and emily. chris shows up, falls asleep. time for bed now...still need to talk to someone but no-one is ever around any more. i hate pushing my problems on people but i hate being alone and upset more. i don't know what to do. i'm very tired of all this, lorn's vicious cycle of self-defeat. not sure how to get it to stop though. i miss bethany. i miss emily and davis. i suppose that's life though. why do people grow apart? don't we love one another? i love my friends so much (the soft-spots around my heart) i think it is my downfall...is there such a thing as loving too deeply?

the party is over! tonight we threw a surprise party for Alex (happy birthday baby!) and now I am all by myself! (tis the way it always is) emily is at grant's and davis is at alex's. so. it was a fun night, though. not the usual crowd, but fun! there was wrestling and sex book talk and jokes and all the good stuff that makes a party sweet. so....now it's definitely time to go to bed, because i'm going to the game with kathryn and heidi tomorrow and we're meeting for breakfast at 9:30 (yuck!)!! So I will swallow up all the lonely empty houseness i am feeling and put that energy into sleeping. hurrah.

I have too much to do!!!!!!