the continuing adventures of "one thing at a time, dammit!" girl

It's so close to vacation, that blissful, two month-long, sweet jesus I love it vacation of winter break, that I've reverted into full on procrastination and poor time management mode.

And I used to be so good at keeping all my shit together all the time!

So, all weekend the idea was, 'finish Africa presentation for class on Tuesday.'

Big Fat Check off the list.

Now, it's 'practice ass off for rehearsal with pianist and lesson on Thursday', after which point it'll be 'read like crazy for Baroque Music History on Tuesday', after which it'll be 'don't fold in jury/cram for tune jury on Wednesday', after which it will be 'frantically write history paper' after which it'll be 'frantically study for history final' after which it'll be 'leisurely write Africa paper since most of the work was done for presentation' after which I will collapse in an alcohol haze on the kitchen floor of my house.

It's sort of like Tetris. You only get one block at a time, but you're all the way at the top of the screen and everything's coming faster and faster. Where's that long one gonna go? Oops! Coulda had a row there!

Christ Crackers. This has been one hell of a busy semester, and I'm friggen ready for it to be the sweet, sweet end.

that's okay...it'll grow out, right?

For those of you who don't see me in person on a regular basis, you might not know that I cut my own hair. I started doing this while still dating C, and watching him cut his hair I often thought, 'I could totally do this.' The first time was very hard and I know I had to have him fix the back after I fucked it up (I may have quoted Fry from Futurama: "Fix it fix it fix it fix itfixitfixitfixit!!!").

Since then I've gotten varying degrees of better at cutting different parts of my hair, although each time something never seems to go just quite right. One time I'll do a great job on the back, but square off the sides so much I look like I should be one of the boys on the Cosby show, the next time I'll do an awesome job on my bangs but chop a healthy triangle out of my neckline. Regardless, my efforts to leave it somewhat longish and full usually fail because I end up having to overcorrect so much it gets shorter and shorter with each fix.

I've been lazy lately, and even though I needed a haircut rather badly, I put it off because I was toying with the idea of growing my hair out. Nevertheless, the little trailers in my ears and the encroaching threat of mullet prompted me to finally pull out the scissors and go to work this morning.

Being as growing short hair out entails allowing the hair on top to catch up in level with the hair on the bottom, I was trying to keep away from cutting too much of the floppy mess on the top of my head. Which meant that I sort of overcompensated with the sides and the neckline, leaving myself with both the aforementioned Cosby show hairtower and the choppy line on the nape of my neck. I also mananged to cut my bangs a little too short and straight, giving the overall effect of having put a bowl on my head and trimmed around it.

Yeah, it probably doesn't look that bad...and I'm used to the first two weeks or so post self-managling being a little awkward. After all, it's hair, and it grows, and it tends to correct itself if you've managed to doing anything atrocious to it. And anyway, I could be paying someone to give me a bad haircut, instead of giving myself one for free!

In the meantime, it's 'growing out' season, which means at some point I'll look like Prince Valiant again, and then you are more than welcome to mock me with reckless abandon.

recipe meme

Inspired by Clara de Corno's delicious-looking eggplant recipes, and her call for more recipes to be posted, here is a little taste of what I ate this T-giving, plus a little extra.

Dad's Chili

This is my dad's excellent creation, and I think I managed to pull it off fairly admirably. Tip: Don't be stingy with the tomato soup. A lot of it boils off.

Ingredients:
1 onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped and then mashed
kidney beans (pre-cooked)
tomato soup (2-4 cans, depending on batch size)
curry powder
cumin
salt
black pepper
elbow macaroni

Directions:
Combine the soup, onion, and garlic in a big pot and heat. Slowly add spices until to your taste, and then add kidney beans and pasta. Simmer for 10-15 minutes until cooked, stirring frequently to avoid burn on the bottom of the pot. Serve with crackers and extra chili powder for the really bold!

Spanish Tortilla

I stole this from Kristopher and now I can't stop making it. It's easy and delicious and you can experiment with it easily.

Ingredients:
1 large onion, diced
3 large potatoes, or the equivalent (since I usually get organic potatoes and they are a little smaller, I have to use about 5 or 6), peeled and scalloped (see below)
3 eggs
cooking oil
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
The potatoes should be cut in half lengthwise and then into smaller pieces by holding the halves together and going along the length.
Heat in a large saucepan enough oil to cover the onion pieces entirely, add onion and simmer, then add potatoes, stir and cover. Cook until the potatoes are soft enough to pierce with fork, and then remove from heat and drain the oil.
Beat the eggs in a large mixing bowl and stir in onion and potato.
Pour back into saucepan and shape into circle, cook on both sides (the flipping is the hard part- be careful!) until brown, and serve with salt and pepper.

Cinnamon-Apple French Toast (vegan)

From the magazine Vegetarian Times...this is pretty much my favorite thing in the world right now.

Ingredients:
For the apple topping-
4 large tart, firm apples, peeled, cored and sliced (I prefer Granny Smith)
3 tbs sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp lemon juice

For the toast-
2 cups plain or vanilla soy milk
1/2 cup apple butter (any kind of jelly works as well)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
12 slices soft-crust French bread, sliced 1/2 inch thick

Directions:
Coat skillet with cooking spray or butter, heat. Saute apples until softened (5-7 mins), reduce heat to medium. Add sugar and cinnamon and cook 5-10 minutes until tender, add lemon juice and remove from heat.
Blend soymilk, apple butter, vanilla, cinnamon and salt by hand or in blender until smooth.
Cook toast by coating in batter and frying both sides until brown. Serve topped with apple topping.

Cinnamon-Cranberry-Orange Sauce

From Central Market. I picked this up yesterday next to the cranberries and couldn't resist. It's sex in sauce form.

Ingredients:
8 oz cranberries, fresh or frozen
1 orange: juiced, with the zest cut into strips (as far as I could tell, this means: cut off the zest, slice it, and then juice the orange. You just need the zest and the juice)
1/2 cup sugar
1 cinnamon stick

Directions:
Put everything in saucepan and heat on medium until cranberries burst and sauce thickens (15-20 minutes). Serve at room temp, or cool and refrigerate.

Mom's Pumpkin Raisin Bars

Oh man. My mom would make these in the fall and then ship them off to me at college, but I loved them so much I couldn't wait that long, so I got the recipe and now I make them myself. I'm still waiting for my package from mom, though...

Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup cooked, pureed pumpkin (fresh or canned)
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1 cup golden raisins
1 cup chopped walnuts

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350. Cream butter and sugar until fluffy; add pumpkin, egg and vanilla and mix well. Combine flour, b. powder, b. soda, salt, cinnamon and nutmeg in a separate bowl, and stir gradually into butter mixture until well blended. Add nuts and raisins. I make these as bars in a cakepan, because I'm from the midwest and we're all about bars...but you can make them as cookies as well if you're so inclined. Cook from 14-15 minutes until golden. Good with or without frosting.

Yum! I'm hungry again.

too much fun

It has been a pretty awesome, random week so far, and it only promises more entertainment in the future.

Saturday I went with a group of people to the last football game at UNT, and we tailgated. We never actually made it to the game, and instead wound up climbing on top of one of the practice buildings and throwing shit around. I lost hardcore at speed quarters later in the evening and wound up asleep on KC's couch.

Tuesday I worked at the One O'Clock Lab Band concert (featuring Wayne Bergeron...Christ Crackers!) and went to the reception afterward at which they were practically throwing beer at people. Not that you have to, at a jazzer party. Gabe and I stopped in at Sweetwater to say hello to our bosses and managed to stay for some more pitchers, all of which were paid for at the end of the evening by the big bosses. And then...the party, at which a very hammered Wayne totally checked out my breasts. Jason and I ended up leaving at about 5:30 in the morning after we'd cashed the alcohol, and since he drove me home and needed to drop me off at my car the next day before departmental, I woke up to his smiling face next to me in bed saying "hey baby, time to get up now."

And last night, C and I cooked up enough food for a small army, ate what we could, watched The Shining and then played Soul Caliber II. After a short adventure to some random party, I joined my friend BW back at my house and we drank and talked until 6:30 in the morning...so that logs in a good 14 hours of drinking for that round, making the total about 30 hours for the week. Man, if only I could get paid for that!

I think last night was my favorite. I haven't managed to stay up that late talking in a long time, and it's even more fun when it's a new friend you're just getting to know. It's the sort of thing I need more of in my life, and I'm thankful for it when it happens.

There's your t-day cheese from me! heh!

hold on to your hats, people...it's a CUTE-OFF

Today in the Buddha Stew Stadium, Round 1 of the first annual Cute-off. Today's contestants: Lorn's The Gray Gatsby aka "The Love Warrior" aka "Mr Fat" aka "Hi, I'm Gatsby!" vs. Day's The Kitty!

Gatsby is totally going to win. This picture says "Cuddle me" all over it and we know you can't resist!



See Day's blog for the rebuttal!

and then i make a vow not to get emotionally entangled in anything

Let me tell you, it is so much easier to focus on school and work and so on when you're not stressing out about how someone else feels or thinks about you. Now I remember why I like being single and intending to stay that way- because you're not out to impress anyone else but yourself. And you can just hang out and jill off if you want to.

So, I hereby promise myself that I will not actively look for someone else to crush on, be infatuated with, or otherwise donate emotional time and stress toward, until such point as I see fit to allow myself a little romantic playtime.

D'ya hear that, me? I mean it this time.

in which i vow to be productive this thanksgiving break

Things are winding down for the semester, and especially winding down this week as everyone takes off to their various T-giving break destinations. I am not going anywhere, which is absolutely fine by me! Not going anywhere means I get to spend time in my house, cleaning, cooking, and just in general relaxing. I also have some papers to get started writing (one in particular I plan to have done by the end of the weekend) and lots of practicing to do. I am promising myself right now that I will not let the freedom of having no obligations lull me into a coma of beer and movies this weekend.

I will write that paper! I will clean my bathroom! I will polish my jury piece! I will finish learning my tunes for JK! I will still do all these things plus sleep in a lot!

Thursday Chuck and I are planning a gathering for those in town- food! And lots of it. So you are invited if you are in Denton.

Since I can count on one hand the number of things left to do this semester, I am geting a little antsy and lazy. I am hoping I can keep my shit together long enough to finish this semester at least as strong as I started it, and then take a well-deserved break from reality in sunny San Diego. I can do this. I can make it.

bandwagon? what? i'm just sitting here all by myself on the roadside

You ever get the feeling that someone is about to or has in someway been a tremendous asshole to you, and when you find out in what particular way you don't feel any better for knowing you were right about that person?

What if that also makes you feel like giving up, for a little while, or at least until you can be someplace else or meet someone new, on trying to get close to or care about anyone?

What if it's hard to focus on anything else, what for the anger and the sadness that consumes you?

What if you just don't want to try anymore? What about a break from reality or a vacation from the everyday? What about rest?

all dressed up...

Having recovered from my minor plague this week and feeling like going out, I find myself again alone in my house, wondering what to do. Last week when this happened no one called me back and I ended up going to bed (which was alright because I was just getting sick). I find myself in a weird state: I want to hang out, but not with anyone I can think of. I don't know. I miss the relaxed, silly, chill hangouts from Madison, where we'd either drink or not, it didn't matter, and maybe play some naughty Madlibs or Scattergories and laugh our asses off.

Seems like at UNT hanging out can be such an intense thing...spontaneous and fun, sure, but there's something about it that's just not chill. It's all about a goal: get drunk, and then see what happens.

On top of not feeling this vibe, I am so incredibly mad at someone I can't even stand it. I just want to yell and rage at them until I feel better and they feel worse. I am so tired of being treated like ass by this person that almost wish I could have nothing to do with them for a while, but that's impossible. So I deal, I guess.

Maybe I will just stay in and play my trombone and pet my kitties. I wish I could have one of those long, rambling conversations with someone. Yeah...that's what I really want.

politics as usual

I like Democratic majorities, don't you?

Arizona surprised me, Wisconsin disappointed me, and South Dakota made a good decision. It seems it is a good year for women but not homosexuals. California voted down funds for alternative energy but Missouri is allowing stem cell research.

I guess it's just nice to have some balance back.

medicine head

This afternoon I was just waiting around for death to come, but since it didn't, I got up to go and sub for a friend in 8 O'Clock Lab Band.

Meaning...I had such bad coughing fits today that I threw up what little has been in my stomach all day, and when I found some sudafed hiding in my bathroom drawer I was so excited I nearly yelled aloud. I'm feverish and achy and all around grumpy. My apologies to the folks who came over last night to watch V for Vendetta who likely breathed in my noxious sick vapors all evening...but it was still a good time, right?

(The thunderstorm was perfectly timed to some of the scenes in the movie and made the whole experience that much more effective! Plus, it was a good crowd. I think I miss having people over at my house more often)

Now I'm going back home to wait around for death some more, but I'm starting to think he's stood me up. Bah. You can't trust men.

happy friday!

northward bound?

My parents are looking at property in Lyons, Oregon. It's a little town about 30 minutes east of Salem and south somewhat of Portland. For about a third of what our house in San Diego is worth, they can have three bedrooms, a FIVE car garage, and property on a river near a state park.

Do I want them to go?

Yes.

Part of me is really hoping they take this opportunity because...that's just really cool. I mean, on top of Oregon being one of the most beautiful places I've ever been it's also somewhere new to get acquainted with. It's the kind of change I'm craving.

Of course it means selling the house where I grew up, and losing a connection (not to mention a free place to stay) in San Diego, a city that means quite a lot to me in terms of home. It means to go there I would go as a tourist. It means knowing that I wouldn't get to see the ocean crash over the rocks at La Jolla Cove once a year and wake up to the brilliant red of the bouganvilla against the blue arch of sky outside my window. It means breathing in a different kind of air- mountain air, not ocean winds- and coming up with a new concept of home.

I could go on for hours and convince myself that leaving San Diego would be a terrible travesty for me, but I don't want to really. There's too much possibility in this change for me to hold against it. Mind you, this is all speculation on my parents' part. I doubt they'll do it.

But I wish they would.

regeneration

Writing is my therapy. What I write is not who I am but who I was, and through the transformation I become who I can be.

I realized this today, when in my fit of sadness that was keeping me from doing anything but thinking about...well, the reason I was sad, I sat down and began to write about two and a half pages of explanation. To whom? To myself, mostly. Dear Lorn: this is what you are thinking, and why, and you can deal with it this way, or this other way, but in any case you must deal.

And then I put the pen and pad of paper away and played my trombone. I went to lab band and had the benefit of having to read some hard charts, that kept my focus solely on what I was doing in the moment.

When I left rehearsal I was about halfway to my locker before I remembered that before, I had been so genuinely sad I couldn't even make myself warm up on my instrument. I tried to remember why I had been sad and was successful, but it didn't make me sad again. No, I thought, it's all written down somewhere else. I don't have to carry it with me anymore. I am free, as I wished to be in the last paragraph or so of my afternoon writings, to go about my life without the gravity I held before.

This is not the first time this has happened this year- in many ways this isn't even the biggest occurrence. In September I let go of a long-standing pain by merely writing an email, and when I went back to read what I had written, I remembered the sentiment but not the anguish. It was no longer empathy, but mere sympathy that moved me. Sure, it had been a long time coming, this letting-go, but the writing is what finally loosened the moorings.

In the same way, I am no longer the person who started this blog five and a half years ago. In the movie Waking Life (which Tim in his wisdom encouraged me to see), a woman makes the observation that our cells regenerate every seven years, and we can therefore see ourselves as completely different individuals from our childhood selves or even from our college-age selves. Of course we don't feel ourselves change. I think great steps in consciousness happen more quickly than gradually, but our overall progression through life is nearly unmonitored. Friends who we haven't seen in years can attest to this change. How often am I annoyed at an old acquaintance from high school who will make a big deal out of how much different I am now than then?

When I read the archives here I often can't remember writing particular entries, or even what moved me to write them in the first place. I enjoy them, and I think to myself that they are funny or touching or innocent or raving, but I can't really recognize myself in them. I have memory of the events they recount and I might reminisce for a while about them, but it's merely a photograph of something once seen.

So are we who we were then? And now? Are we always the same moment to moment or do the subtle changes make us a stranger from ourselves of the past minute? If we are always learning and experiencing, our reactions are always evolving, and is it not our reactions that play a part in who we are? We might despair one day over the love affair that could never be but months later laugh at how silly it all seems. Can we judge that person we were who fought so desperately for someone we thought would bring us happiness? Can we judge ourselves at all or do those judgments serve only as lessons to finding our next adventure?

For me, I change through writing. It makes a physical imprint of my thoughts and experiences, and in doing so I leave myself open and willing to learn more. I may not always feel the shift, but even in being imperceptible, it is monumental.

just make me laugh

Here's yesterday's Dino Comics.

I needed that. I am sad.