i just got home from a highly amusing game of frisbee with Mike and Sean and Chris...and it's raining and it smells so good! I think I might go stand in it for a while rather than get started on my theory paper...theory paper, shmeory paper, right?

NO...I should do it. Then I can go to bed earlier. Cara and I stayed up late last night talking about a lot of stuff..we haven't talked in a while and it was good. I was just about to say that it's surprising how not tired I am, but just then that wave of exhaustion hit me and i'm urged by my body to go curl up in a ball and take a nap...however, nap = not doing theory paper. Arrgh, life.

Good luck Emily, Davis, Heidi, Dan, and Cindy on your recitals today! I'll try to make an appearance at each. Mwah.

sigh.

you know what? fuck it. i resign myself to being lonely and i'm damn well going to enjoy it, too.

I'm feeling that compositional urge again. Mainly because the idea I have for a piece is really cool and I think the finished product (if there ever is one at the rate I'm moving) will, if not revolutionize the twelve-tone music scene, at least raise a few eyebrows. Ok maybe not. It's pretty tonal, anyway, tonal using 12 tone as a structural idea. So we'll see.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the big stuff either. In fact, try not to sweat anything. Unless you're hot and your body is looking for an efficient way to cool down. In that case, sweat water. Anything else can get kind of sticky.

If you'd like any more earth-shattering advice, you can request it of me in an email. I only accept cash and checks, no credit cards. Thanks, have a great day.

perhaps I should have clarified: Jealousy VS sentimentality was a problem yesterday. Meaning, what's the difference in my head? When I think I'm being sentimental am I really just jealous about something related? I dunno. Sometimes I think I really don't know anything. ;)
Got together with Ryan today to work out some details in the piece I'm playing on his recital...and it was a little strange. He was almost very professional in manner, and it freaked me out (professional in the sense that he can be so, which you probably wouldn't understand unless you knew him...it's sort of a quirky messed up sort of organization) because I realized how far away from each other we've gotten. Even in levels of comfort. That pains me. Of all the people I can be myself around, he makes me the most comfortable. That's quite a task. Dammit. I know I know...this should be something I'm past already (according to a lot of people, but how often do I accept the majority?) but moving ahead is just a pain in the ass.

Jennii's blog from yesterday is really good and sums up all my feelings about beach bonfires. A bonfire is, in my ever so humble opinion, the best friend gathering you can have. (except for that one where Dave hit me in the mouth with a frisbee and the drunken baseball league dads tried to set us on fire) There is nothing that makes me happier.
Go see: www.jennii.com

i'm having issues with jealousy and sentimentality again...other than that, it's a beautiful day.

Davis, schmu!

hurray!

well, good things from yesterday:
I talked to Megan. Yay Megan!! We shared similar expressions of loneliness and stressed-outedness, and quite a few laughs. She's not one of my bestest best friends for nothing, you know. ;)

Today?: It's nice out, with very little wind! Speaking of wind, wind ensemble concert tonight..I'm really looking forward to it...we've been working on this music for a long time and I think it's going to be really really good. So y'all come if you're in Madison!!!
I ate too many grapes and now my stomach's a little unsettled. arrgh.

let's see if blogger and i will get along better today...

what a random, random weekend.

Tonight actually made me feel like I was at college. Our neighbor, James, rings the doorbell and gives us beer and asks to borrow the grill...so i let him and he made hamburgers for us and it was great. It's warm outside, the beer is cold, and the hamburger is yummy. and the friends are fun. College is not like this near enough anymore. This summer has to be like that. There must be lots of outdoor cooking fun. That being said, I'm going to play a little jazz trumpet for y'all.

How come it is that whenever I most want to talk to someone, everyone I call or try to get in touch with is not there?

It's that time of year. I'm starting to feel lonely again but it's ironic...I'm sick of dealing with boys and trying to make them like me. It's just one humiliating experience after another. There's always something I miss and therefore end up feeling like a fool. It's been three years since someone's made me feel like I was attractive. Three years? Is that legal? Nevertheless, Bob Marley is playing outside my window and he's telling me, "everythings going to be alright..no woman no cry" which is entirely appropriate for this mood I'm in, so I think I'll go sit outside and listen to him.

i'm slowly remembering some things about living that i knew just a few weeks ago and then forgot in the hurricane of emotion that came my way. Good news though--I'm back! hurray!

The thunderstorm last night was so loud that it woke me up a couple of times. Some of those times I think I was still dreaming, but it was crazy!! the wind was blowing so hard one of my posters on the outside wall started to fall off. Weird. Cara didn't come home, either. So, as is usual on a Saturday morning, the house is all mine and I can do laundry and eat and listen to music and relax. I can't wait until summer.

mmm.....time to watch a movie. I've decided to make it mandatory to watch a movie once a week (on a weeknight) in order for general relaxation and fun purposes. That being said I'm going to go watch Toy Story 2.

is there something i should be doing or thinking about right now? I have a feeling something's being neglected.

hmm. I don't know. Oh well. Back to the theory book and learning about Les Six (it's deja vu).

I registered today. 12 credits. Rock on.

there's nothing like taking a shower in the middle of the day. Now I'm going to go sit outside and sweat a bit but still feel refreshed and happy about not being in Humanities. I'm back on track with practicing, and even though my lips were a little sketchy today, at least I'm getting in the time. And I don't have a lesson tomorrow, so I can catch up a little. Cool cool.

ah, but there's a theory test. Eek!

nifty cool thing for the day:
I can take a max of 13 credits for the next four semesters and then, poof, graduate! How nice is that...how scary, too eh?
This good news comes on the heels of me being rather depressed today about not having time to actually BE a musician and not just a college student studying music. I asked myself too many questions about where I was musically and how I liked the current education I'm receiving and I ended up making a healthy, realistic and pretty sound decision (it's too complicated to explain and besides, I don't feel like doing it) yet still feeling a little down about everything. Downness and I have been one lately. Grr.

I went for another run with Mike...I'd tell you how I feel but today's been a day of bitching already and I need to stop. Time for bed.

analyzing and identifying twelve tone rows and finding combinatoriality is a pain in the big fat ass.

it's snowing. how rude.

Well, not much to say except that I took a stab at composition today (seriously, instead of just randomly improvising on the piano when I don't feel much like playing scales) and it didn't turn out too badly. I have to be careful though, or it'll take up all my time and I'll never practice. I had fun though...it's a long way from done but Ryan said he'd play it for me sometime (which is good because my limited piano skills can't play it as fast as I'd like). Hurray!

I wish Jennii would write something! Hey Hans...it's been a month. ppppbbbt!!! ;) j/k love ya bunches.

damn. it erased my whole rant on my weekend, and there's no way I can relive that again. My ponderances on the proper raising of children can only come so often. Ask me sometime in person.

hello, blogger? are you working now?

not much to say today....I went for a bike ride with Ily and Any, down Lakeshore Path. It was awesome. Just a little non-guilt exercise before I spend easter weekend chowing down with relatives. But, I get to go to a Brewers game on Sunday at the new stadium!! I'm pretty excited. I haven't been to a bball game since the Padres had their good season (cough, hack, choke)--it should be fun.
Well, nothing tomorrow but tata til Sunday!

Bethany and I invented a new dialect. It's called "Bonics."

Grammatical Rules:
-all one syllable words stay the same
-two syllable words, take off the first letter; example: Pencil= Encil.
-two syllable words like straighten, with more than one consonant, take off the group of consonants before the first vowel ("aighten")
-two syllable words beginning with a vowel take off the entire first syllable. Ex: April= Ril
-words with three or more syllables, take off the entire first syllable. Ex: Computer= Puter.

Exception: Garbage Can, which should technically be Arbage Can, is instead, Bage Can.

The Cat House:
Ily
Any
Ra
Auren

Y uestions? Tact me a mail.

ok, yeah, I'm sore. Hell yeah! Hehe...play with pain, my dad used to tell me when I didn't want to go to swim practice. argh.

I did this Dalai Lama quiz thing that Felicia sent me. Some of it did work out too well, but I did put Ryan for red (someone you truly love) and got a little freaked out. Mostly because I don't feel any sort of connection at all there anymore...that forced distance thing is really taking its toll. I used to be afraid to admit love for people...but love is such an all encompassing topic....I have great emotion for lots of people (little soft spots in my heart I like to call them) which amounts to love but it doesn't mean I am IN love...critical difference, right? Well, I don't suppose I'd know much about it.
I'm "supposed" to send the quiz to the number of people that is my favorite number, but I sure as hell am not sending it to 721 people. Besides I don't subscribe to that anyway. Not like I don't want my wish to come true.....;)

First step to regaining happiness: going running with Mikey? Yikes I feel like my heart's trying to jump out of my body, and making a valiant effort to take my lungs with it. It's alright, I'm all good. Apparently it's put me in a Beatles mood (or maybe that's because I've had A Day in the Life stuck in my head since this morning).
Last night's blog was refering to what Bethany said to me last night: She came in and sat on my bed and said "i want to talk about your problems" (good intro, eh?) She thinks I've been projecting an attitude of being not only way too stressed out but also not exactly happy in all my friendships. She wasn't exactly clear about it being just lately or always (she said something about me being cool right after breaks and then being annoyed by people as the semester wears on)....but in my personal opinion it's just been lately...because I love my friends here unconditionally and if I get upset or crabby with them it's usually because I'm crabby because of myself and not them. And it made me a little sad because I don't want to project an air of unhappiness with people, I think I am a basically joyous person and I don't want people to think otherwise. I dunno...Jennii and Ben did a good job of putting things in perspective for me. :) thanks much.

My, but it's a challenge to be a social individual sometimes, isn't it?

Tell me the truth, please: Do I project myself as an unhappy person?

sheesh. i'm out of shape. I dusted off the bike and brought it up from the basement this morning, and rode it to and back from Humanities. Now I'm going to ride it to the SERF, but my heart's still pounding. Uhoh. It's a good thing I'm going to do more exercise. ;)

What's the correct reaction when someone on the street you don't know makes a nasty comment toward you? Here's an example: I was going to get a bagel this morning for breakfast, wearing my UC Davis sweatshirt and feeling better good about being up as early as I was. This older man, standing out front of the store, says, "UC Davis?" And I nodded and smiled, and he says, "well, that sucks. Are you from California?" "yes" "Ugh, yuck" He was totally serious about it too. I didn't say anything else and just went in to get my bagel. Reflecting back on the whole issue, though, I wish I had stopped to talk to him and inquire more deeply into this hatred of my home state. Not in really any argumentative sense (although I did feel like calling him various bad names) but just out of curiousity. I'd say next time, but I doubt I'll get the opportunity again. Ah well.

I wonder how often I sound meaner or more upset than I mean to be? I wish sometimes I could not be me so I could figure out how to make myself better more effectively. Ah well, all part of the challenge of living, just like acne and love and self-esteem.

today is a blustery day, just like in the Winnie the Pooh story!!!

nevertheless, it's in the 70s. WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

Finally, a Saturday that might be worthy of being called a Saturday. Ian Andy and Paul are having a little shindig tonight: the first since the big halloween bust. Maybe the right side of my head will stop hurting by then.

I made a conscious decision tonight not to go to Russian Orch. I was standing in front of Van Hise, looking forlornly at the 14th floor, and alternatively looking longingly at the lake and the mist that was setting over the grass by Liz Waters. So I went and I sat at the scenic point instead of going to rehearsal. Everything was so sublime and it was just cold enough to keep me aware of every last detail of the scene. In many ways it reminded me of the day spent at Lake Geneva, just walking in the drizzle by myself and trying to regenerate some sense of control. I think in my quest to become a more outwardly expressive individual I've lost a lot of the qualities of the introvert I truly am. I think it's bad thing. It's necessary for me to escape once and a while and not talk to anyone just so I can recooperate. Except today, it didn't really work. I still have that choke in my throat and I still feel like I can't express the emotion that currently grips me. I thought of a metaphor today, while practicing: I feel like my role in the social situations around me is falling behind. It's like when you're trying to practice with a metronome, and you're slowing down, and it seems to your ears that the metronome is getting faster. No one else is really speeding up, you're just behind. And it's almost a hopeless feeling. I wish I could snap out of this foul mood. But in some part of my brain, the darker, more thoughtful part, I question the desire to be happy. What's to be so happy about? people are stupid, society is messed up...But this is not right either. Where's the middle way? Too many jealous and petty thoughts came to mind today. I read too deep into just about everything and I teared up once or twice about nothing in particular. What's wrong?

Hey, Megan...I miss you!

well, I just ordered my football tickets. getting set for another fun fall of drunken football fans screaming obsenities and making up clever taunts in order to keep Camp Randall the most "intimidating place in college football"

I decided today: There are those people you just KNOW are going to be good and successful musicians eventually. I'm going to be one of those people. And if no one believes me, hell, I'll just surprise everyone. So that's my great revelation of today...Now! I have to keep it. I have to keep practicing and being strong and not let being tried effect me so much. Hahahah...we'll see.

brash bash: good times. It's over!! And there was the customary good ol times Paisons chill afterwards. What I miss most about last year is just hanging around with really cool people on a Tuesday night and be crazy sacrilegious over a glass of beer (or sangria, as the case may be). Not enough of that has happened this year. Not enough random fun "college" times. Everyone's way too tense. Man, tonight was way fun. That's what life's all about man. Relaxing. Doing all this stressful shit and then getting to loosen up and have a good time. Sigh. Hurray for Paisons!
G'night!

i hate mornings

eating leftover stir fry and feeling good about myself for the first time all day.

As long as I can swim, I know I'll be okay. It's currently the only release I can find from school and stress and playing. It's the one thing in all aspects of my life that I've mastered and don't have to think about. Social situations are becoming more and more a challenge the more tired and crabby and crazy I get, and sitting in a practice room is just frustrating and not always helpful. Schoolwork keeps piling up, I have to learn to better balance myself, eat better, think better, live better. But if I have that hour to slip off to the pool and not be bothered, I know I'll be okay. I can control myself, I'm the driving force behind me, I know how to handle the water and the walls and there are no other external factors.

We never know that we are actually going somewhere until we can see and feel it ourselves.


Jennii...nice try ;)

wow. last night was exciting. i don't think i can properly recount all the funny crap that happened, but man, it will live on in my memory as one of the coolest saturday nights ever. I'm proud of my mingling skills.
Another non-practicing day. Feels good. I think I'll be able to get back in full force tomorrow, after this mental break.