i feel like i don't deserve to be unhappy. ever. it seems to me that every time i feel depressed everyone runs away from me. "let's give lorn some time until she feels better and then she can be happy and make us all laugh again." shitty. i really don't want to be alone!!! but i am. and i hate crying and i hate being sad but most of all i hate having one of the reasons that i stay sad longer be that everyone seems to not care. please, if you're reading this blog right now, tonight, just give me a call. i don't care who you are, i'm tired of being lonely and unattractive and fucked up. tell me to snap out of it, tell me that self-pity is never worthwhile and anyway, just plan ridiculous. please.

must not slip into boy depression mode ("when will i stop being every guy's girl friend and start being some guy's girlfriend?") as patience is a very good virture to have, despite the fact that it is running dangerously thin. oh the torment of having your mind played with. and of course it's all your mind playing with your mind, the other person is just being himself...blah blah blah. sigh.

argh. so far, a rotten rotten day.

it began with some ass ringing our doorbell (and really leaning on it too) at three this morning, and wanting to know if "we were all awake." ok, so that would be sort of acceptable if i didn't have to work at 6:30!! madness. Then, Nate didn't show up for work so I was all by myself and I had to try to keep myself awake by means OTHER than scratching all my mosquitos. So I wrote notes to the other guards and drew pictures in the book. Sigh. And, like all unlucky days, today I seem to have trouble with inanimate objects, the most recent example being a poster i am trying to put up, but on account of me being too short and it not cooperating, it is very frustrating. I suck at trombone, I have $6.52 to my name, and I have to go deal with my 5 year old cousin tonight instead of drinking away my frustrations. ARGH. hehe.. Ok, I feel better. Venting is wonderful. vent vent vent.

ok, so i just spent waaaay too much money on cds but it's okay, they were all worthwhile buys and I am happy. Here's what I got:

Christain Lindberg, Romantic and Burlesque Tbone cds (actually they came as a set, and only for $15!)
Mussorgsky, Pictures at an Exhibition (wonderful wondeful listening to it right now)
De Meij (i am now officially obsessing over mr. johann de meij), Lord of the Rings (too wonderful even for words like wonderful)

So all in all it's great: that averages out to about $10 a cd, which is a steal. Still, i'm not sure if I was at liberty to spend that forty dollars. ah well.

I have a ridiculously swollen mosquito bite on my leg and it's driving me crazy because I haven't itched it at all!!! ARGH! I hate mosquitos. Hate hate hate.

Well, I'm sure after such a dry spell of emotional lorn distress, you are all expecting something great and earth-shattering, or, for those of you who are wise, you are wondering when next I shall babble about my fucked-up non-relationship with Ryan. But HA! I actually haven't got anything interesting or even remotely depressing or deep to say. Things are calm, too calm...(slow, evil-sounding note from the string basses) ah well...we shall see what roads this weekend shall lead me upon.

not all the vocabulary and writing skills in the world could help me compose the blog i wanted to put here, so instead i will hack it out elsewhere, and hopefully be satisfied. if it's worthwhile, maybe i'll make it ready for public viewing. Pfft. g'night.

I am alive!! Today I biked 17 miles. This is what Hot Eric from Olbrich Beach told me. Of course, my use of the term "hot" reminds me of how disgusted I was with the little day campers at the beach...i was in the bathroom at the same time as a bunch of them and the bulk of their conversation was "who's pretty and who's ugly" so me using "hot" feels a little hypocritical but at the same time an entirely accurate description. Kids are so mean sometimes. Especially at that age, pre-preteen. Ah well, I am a little sunburnt and not a little bit tired. So maybe a nap is in order, and then practice, and tomorrow is another beautiful day, I hope!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!!!!!!!!

Alex made it home today. Davis is happy! :) We went to lunch and then saw Shrek. Good times, good times!! I borrowed a CD from Collin that has the DeMeij Tbone Concerto on it, hurray! It is, of course, awesome, and I am burning as we speak. Saturday is Collin and his roomie Greg's bday (21!!!--even though he doesn't drink, he still plans on going to bars), and it is also Rhythm and Booms, so he is going to call me if they do anything. Hurray again! What a sweetheart. He forgot the cd so I walked back to his place to pick it up, and then he walked (with his bike) back to Humanities with me.

Tomorrow I am nervous for. I start working the beaches...but the trick is, I have to ride my bike all the way around Monona in my schedule of relief guarding. So basically, I get to bike at least fifteen miles tomorrow, total. Fifteen! I am nervous because 1) I do not have any of my equipment; suit, shorts, shirt, etc, 2)I'm afraid I'll get lost and be late, and 3)I don't know everything that needs to be done but it seems like they expect you too. Still, it is my first day, and hopefully they will be lenient with me. Ah well...we'll see. Everything, as usual, will be okay.

I ran into Mr. Cynical again today. Remember the "UC Davis? That sucks!" man? Yes, the very same. This time I was with Alex and Davis. And he says, "You sickass Americans! Europe's running circles around you!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Alex took a doubletake and we all gave him confused looks because I can't imagine what we looked/dressed like to deserve that comment, and of course, we still have no clue what he meant. Next time I see Mr. Cynical I am going to ask him why he is so mad at the world. He makes me sad.

Ah well, must wait for DeMeij to finish loading and doing so by enjoying the Kodaly Sonata for Unaccompanied Cello. I have said this many times, but when I get a dog, I am going to name him Zoltan Kodaly. I am sort of thinking about getting a snake. It will be named Prokofiev. (This is where you shout, "Music dork, music dork!!") We shall see.

blogspot is being goofy, my apologies even though i can't really do anything about it. it seems to work sort of alright on explorer though. Anyhoo, aujourd'hui ce n'est pas nouveau, parce que je n'ai pas faire rien mais jouer de trombon et manger. Ah, oui, c'est vrai que j'ai lu mon livre pour une heure. Mais, c'est tout. Qu'est-ce qu'il y a personne qui espere aller a bicyclete avec moi? Je vais aller avec Bethany apres une demi-heure. Compredez-vous? Mauvais francais, je sais! Desolee!

What a wonderful evening! (this typed at exactly the same moment Davis says, behind me, "what a disappointing day" so i guess this means my level of excitement is not communicated to the people around me...well, i know why she said it and i must say, cheer up, lass, it'll all come round in the end, eh? *said in a cockney accent*) I just saw Moulin Rouge which I thought was AMAZING and wonderful and not just because I am a total Paris freak. And now I have just found out (via Hans) that Ewan McGregor did all his own singing which totally makes me looooove him even more. Aw, Ewan. Marvelous, marvelous, marvelous. It has me all worked up now and Davis and Bethany are not (I believe B went to bed) so I must run around and talk nonsense into fans all by myself. And sing, "Roxanne" and other such hits from the picture. I guess at heart I will always remain a Bohemian Hopeless Romantic who loves musicals.
The other best part of tonight is that I got made fun of for once having been romantically attached to Dave Lanni and the thing is, it was perfect! I totally deserved it. Go Jessie. Your rock. It was out of the blue and I laughed out loud. Tears came to my eyes, I swear it. So, Hurray! Go see Moulin Rouge, and laugh, and love the world!

I have used Buddha Stew to brighten someone's day! (ben)

Training for beach lifeguard today...uck...lots and lots of weeds in lake monona. not so hot to swim in. but alright...i have one permanent spot on tuesdays and now i can pick up sub hours. It seems like a lot of requirements for being on time and setting things up and so on...but it should be fun and i get to spend the rest of the summer enjoying the outside! I will let you know when I am close to town and y'all can come visit me. :)

Sad news though, I got my mouthpiece and it's too large a shank. I shall have to send it back. :( Ah well, I have procrastinated ordering it long enough, and I can wait a little while longer. Back to the old Bach 5G for a while yet! It has served me well at least. Lots of new music though, including a Lindberg CD that I am listening to currently. It's got the Sulek and Hindemith, and Blue Bells (haha!), and Sequenza V. So it rocks, basically. A new method book also came...which will be good for my tired out old warmup. Time to start cracking on practicing!

Of course, yesterday only the first day of summer officially. I have been enjoying summer for quite some time and I shall continue to do so. At work this morning it was just Nate and I, and very busy. But it was alright. At least you have someone to talk to and there is less falling asleep involved. :) Alright...I really really deserve a shower right now. The Lake-Itchiness has gone on long enough.

the first day of summer and here's how it was spent for Lorn:

Woke up around 9:40, meaning to get up with my alarm half an hour earlier so I would have time to shower and eat breakfast before practice/work, but only managed the breakfast. Getting up was HARD. Anyway, went to practice but didn't get anything accomplished for various reasons but mostly that I was just fed up with my regular warmup and didn't have the presence of mind at the moment to change it so i quit and took a nap in the lounge until it was time to ride to work. Work, slow...weird, but tolerable. Home, totally needing an increase in bloodsugar...when i got home I had to sit down to stop the room from spinning...went to Noodles with Bethany, Davis, and Chris. After that (and feeling much better and not shaky or queasy at all thanks much!) Chris and I went to the zoo. He saw the live badger that he so desperately wanted to see, and I got to make various and probably very obnoxious comments comparing everything to the San Diego Zoo. Biked through the Arboretum...I fell off my bike! Hurray for me! It was one of those stupid things you do while it's going through your head, "hey, dumbass, you're going to fall off your bike if you do this, so why don't you not do it?" but I went ahead and hit that curb anyway, top speed and on a tilt. Hmm. What else? Practiced...and saw Collin! Yay! He is such a happy, fun person. He yelled, "Lorn!!" and gave me a hug. I felt highly loved. And then walked home with Davis babbling about how I love people and they are so crazy and funny and I just can't express in words how much people make me happy sometimes. I don't know.. as a society we do everything wrong, yet people like Collin can always restore my faith in individuals and I hope I never lose that. I hope I can always be happy about people and their silliness and enjoy who they are. And that ends today...and now it's time for summer!
Mwah!

hm.

interesting conversation about lettuce at work today with nate. we were trying to figure out if it's a flower or a leaf, and ultimately came to the conclusion (sitting on a guard stand for twenty minutes will give you time to think) that it is a leaf because it is green and therefore produces chlorophyll. hehe. i just liked the way he said, "you know, now I'm confused, but I'm thinking about lettuce. When you eat lettuce, are you eating a flower?"

hmm...not much to say. perhaps then, i shouldn't say it. :)

Lorn's Top 4* Things Overheard This Summer:

4)In a parking lot, said as someone walked by a car bearing this bumpersticker:
"Love me, love, my goats"
3)Heard on State Street: "Oh, my god, what a frrrreeeak!"
2)Tired mom at the San Diego Zoo: "Alright. Let's do Africa."
and the number one thing overheard all summer (drumroll, please...) is....
1)On classical radio, said by a melodious dj voice (male): "Anton Dvorak must have been a great lover...of nature."
*List to be expanded as summer progresses

thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Say hi to the bartender, he's a personal friend of mine. Thanks again folks, you've been a great crowd.

just thought you'd like to know, but I am dancing about conducting Tchaik 4 with a spoon and alternately eating lemon yogurt with same. Hot damn, I love Tchaikovsky.

My best friend from middle school just emailed me. She used to live across the street and moved away in 7th grade to Memphis....I haven't talked to her in something like 6 years. She sounds good...I missed seeing her at home, she came to visit two days after I returned to madison. grr.

By the way, some weird grammatical fairy has taken me over and made me start capitalizing things again. Hmm...I think it is getting harder for me to break rules I learned in grade school the older I get. For a while there I was on a stream of rule-breaking, and know I am right back to capitalizing my "I's" and beginnings of sentences. No one will ever get me to stop using comma splices, and runon sentences, though, never!! Ah-hahahahaha!!! Foolish Mortals.

God only knows why, but I am in the greatest mood today. No real reason...I mean, I had to wake up at quarter to 6 this morning and that's not the greatest...but I woke up with "867-5309" stuck in my head and ever since I've been crazy giddy. Actually, most of it is post-early morning nap, as after guarding I was so tired I could barely stay on my bike. I fell into the deepest sleep...and I had a dream that Abby was trying to rearrange all the furniture in our living room, and I was trying to stop her but I was late for work and couldn't do much. This has to mean something...Arwen at work suggested that maybe people are trying to change things in my life (rearranging furniture) but I don't have time for it, because I have other things on my agenda. Hmm...it sounds nice. I haven't decided if it's entirely revelant and especially with Abby because I don't think she's trying to rearrange my life...

Anyhoo...Davis' blog seems to be suggesting that I rant and rave about "My Night With Bluebottle" so I'll do a little. First of all, I had a grrreat time. They are seven hilarious boys and I enjoyed myself completely. I spent most of the time talking to Dave and Brandon...well, let me put that another way: Brandon spent a lot of time talking to me, and Dave mostly made my feet fall asleep because he kept sitting on them. Go fig. Anyhoo, everyone imbibed a lot of alcohol, in fact, ALL of the alcohol we possess, so it was a raucous ruckus all around. I was only half aware of what Davis was up to...and what transpired with Steve is out of my field of vision (although she has since told me), although it is all good. I hope. Maybe I was just too caught up in the whole "This chick is soo cool! I've talked jazz, horns, and lots of shit with her and she rocks! Yeah, I bet...blah blah blah" Brandon thing, I got a kick out of that kid. He talks a lot. ;) People piles on the couch were highly prevalent, and the mayhem didn't die out until after 5 in the morning. Brandon broke my clock...the second hand fell off and it's stuck at 4:25...so at least we know the exact time at which it was broken! Hehe...that's alright, I don't really need another clock. My life is governed by time enough as it is.
Mass hangovers in the morning...I got up at 9:30 and had to wait until noon for the boys to start stirring. Dave was the last one up and the last one out the door, at 2:30 or so. All in all, a good time. A good distraction from thinking, of which I have been doing too much (and i have been thinking without using much common sense, which is a bad thing). Anyway, my good mood continues...perhaps this bodes well for a productive practice session. But first, lunch!

a thunderstorm! the best...for the second time in a week i've gotten trapped away from home/work without a jacket or umbrella. but this wasn't as bad as my bike riding thunderstorm adventure. this was more of a drizzle. the lightning though, is amazing. makes me feel very introspective and philosophical. i think i shall go sit on the stoop and be so, while watching the storm.

ahh....stupid blogger. well, all my long rant about last night disappeared TWICE and I don't feel like rewriting it for a third time. Needless to say, a good time was had by all. A little advancement in the self-image/presenting an effective personality department was made. Actually a pretty good-sized advancement, that comes in two parts. Most of it has already been written down...by hand, in a safe, secret place (ha ha! i have fooled you, loyal blog readers!) which shall not be revealed at this time. Anyhoo, fun times.

And now, a quote that will make you think about me even more!
"Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging (INFJs) personalities are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals, as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people--a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates" [grr]. While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood--particularily by those who have little experience with this rare type."

And more:
"Their combination of empathy and strong verbal skills [hmm..not so sure that applies to me] make them natural writers, especially of fiction or of non-fiction requiring a restrained emotional tone. (I think Kiersey tages INFJ as "The Writer")

"INFJs tend to question and examine their own motivations constantly. In moderation this is admirable, but some go so far as to decide that any "selfishness" (which often translates to taking care of themselves instead of others, for once) in their desires is completely unacceptable. Needless to say, this can cause a great deal of stress for the INFJ in question, which they sometimes resolve in a rather
convoluted manner: by deriving a Higher Principle from the "selfish" need."

So I am tagged by the Kiersey personality test. There is more; interesting but not so relevant. I dunno...I think it fits, as doubtful as I normally am about "personality" tests. Of course, in my endless quest for knowledge about this world and my reactions to it, I am always interested in someone's interpretation of my point of view. The part that really makes me happy is the sentence that ends "this rare type" mostly for selfish reasons (and yes, i quarreled with myself about whether or not I should write this thought) because it means I have some sort of individuality or specialness in relationship to others. hmm. Still, the first paragraph is the most true. Well having, in so many words, gone against my natural tendency to not talk about myself (sarcasm!), it is time for dinner and getting out into the world (sincei have spent all of the day, sadly, inside thinking complicated thoughts that have not yet been solved)...and here i go.

crappy archives! where did they disappear to?

wishing that i didn't have to speak in riddles.

bethany and i went out to picnic point via bicycle today...gorgeous today! the water beckoned me to kayak upon it, so we are going to look into rental of such. also into having a picnic/campfire at the point, since that's what it appears to be there for. ;)

you know...this whole thing has gone on way to long. i must put a stop to it. say farewell, cincinnatus, you are now being retired and you may no longer muck about and cause emotional setbacks in my stream of consciousness. shaky steps forward...and i wish myself, as megan would, luck-luck!

yes yes, i know...i even baffle myself sometimes.

today i am ordering a new mouthpiece! hurray! a schlike 51D...something i've been meaning to get for a long long looong time but just never got around to because of poor timing/lack of funds/forgetfulness. ah well. much new music, too...orch excerpts and some cds.

hey hans...are you going to be online anytime later today?

i did call. left a message. usually he's pretty good about calling back, we'll see.

i'm starting to get that sensation in my tummy, the one that tells me that, oh, yeah...this whole relationship thing (meaning, the concept) is just way out of my control. i mean, i don't know what to think. i'm not talking about ryan really, just generally. i can't keep a grip on what i think is the right path and what the rest of me really wants to do because of desire/personalhappiness/wantingtodowhatwillmakeothersfeelgood...etc. i don't understand why i must make things awkward-in my head. it's all in my head, dammit! what the hell am i talking about? see what i mean? i go insane every time i have to think about potential relationships. fuck fuck fuck.

hehe. today...today is nothing new, really. one of the guys at the pool forgot to unlock the women's locker room so i was locked out of work for about ten minutes, until they figured it out. boys! oh well, as a consolation i only had to sit ten minutes on the stand for the first rotation. bonus.
by the way...seeing mikey and chris on wednesday was awesome. its too bad they don't have very many free days. they are two people i'd like to see more than once and a while.
speaking of which...let's have a poll. should i, or should i not, call ryan tonight? or at all? i have a feeling i will. just because.

crazy weather today, and me stuck in the middle of it! i was at humanitites and it started to absolutely pour and thunder and lightning.....and i had to get to work on my bicycle! so i braved it, and got soaked through. hurray for white tshirts. ah well..it was an experience. otherwise, nothing interesting. it's almost the weekend! time for a break and going out at night. only work once tomorrow, which is nice...that pool is so warm! the high chair is like a sauna. yeegch. but that's alright. i worked with matt and nate this morning, and nate and nick and ryan this afternoon. matt is hilarious. he was going off about this one dude's speedo...it was huge, and bright green, and he had a lot to say about it. hehe. sort of had to be there, but it was funny, funny, funny.
well, laundry awaits.

Jennii..I got my glasses! Thanks! I misplaced your email address...if you send it to me i have a musical present for you. :)

alright..sorry for a small delay in blogging. things have been busy! I started work at the uw natatorium, which so far has beena lot of fun! the other lifeguards are tres cool. one of them, Arwen (her name rocks! it's from Lord of the Rings) is from Poway! she knows Joey Brennan. wow! we were both stunned that we came from the same place to...wisconsin.
anyway, i guarded this morning starting at 6:30...argh. a little tough getting up but once i was outside, i was blessed with some pretty pretty things to see. the lake was still, no waves. it was gorgeous. and it wasn't yet sticky and 90 out. so that's a bonus. i don't know if i can do that often though..i like my late nights too much.
Jon is coming up! first weekend or so in july. we're going to ravinia to see shostie 5 and i believe the tchaik violin concert as well. so we can have a good time and party and see/hear (depending on where we end up sitting) classical music. huzzah!
alright...time for a little lunch, and then, off to see madison scouts play at the capital. hurray! mikey! hurray! chris!

whew. my apologies for the last blog, it's a little insane. we were having a fun evening. hehe *blushing* anyway, no news is good news. time to get cracking on the day and make it worthwhile.

drunken blogging is the best. woohoo!!! aowoibw. we're hanging ot with davis (she says hi) and bethany and heidi (shes bombed) and ryan the horn player not that other ryan guy. wooo. i'm sorry all you faithful readers who thought i was innocent and shit, but no! college changes a girl like so much vodka. i'm sorry! peace out. what does davis want to say? "we had a lot of fun and we played grant's favortie game, shit-on-your-neighbor, but i don't why and i have to pee AGAIN. " this is all davis' words. yehaw. g'night, everyone, love madison, love college. thanks, schmu

my dream of a story website is taking it's first shaky footsteps: here if you'd like to be a part, send me or davis an email. there's nothing there yet. so don't get too excited. :)

hallo all.
hurray! people are back in town and now the summer really gets started. my lips are starting to function normally in relation to my trombone playing, the weather's been nice (although interesting..it randomly started pouring yesterday evening after a pretty sunny day). and so on! hoping that the forthcoming trip to ravinia will become a reality...shostakovich 5!!! and jon visiting. fun fun! still don't know what's going on with my jobs. bleh. and i'm having trouble deciding if i should call ryan or let him call me. i have a feeling that if do the latter, it'll never happen but if i do the former i'll end up bitching at him and alienating him more. what to do? well, i should let bethany use the internet. crises resolved daily, will keep updated.

Interesting and entertaining evening yesterday. Ben called up and wanted to go to a chamber concert, which we did, and it was very cool. Then we recklessly rode our bikes around Madison until we ended up at the Nottingham Co-op, which proved to be a very educational place for me to be. I met some pretty neet people. Allyson(sp?) had just come back from Nepal and brought her pictures...which were awesome, and made me want to go even more. Alas, need money for such things. Anyway, came home, went to bed (very tired and developing headache. bleh). woke up to phone call this morning at 8 am, but didn't answer it, as i thought that anyone who calls at 8 on a saturday morning doesn't deserve to be answered. upon falling back asleep i had the most disturbing dream: i was still in sd and supposed to take abby to the airport but was watching tv and didn't notice that she had left...and then katie came over with this doll that was created in her likeness, it was supposed to be her guardian angel or something. Anyway, I think Jon was there somewhere too but he was more of a presence and less a character in the dream. So, I finally realized that Abby was gone so I asked my mom where she went, and she said my dad had taken her to the airport. I asked why? i was supposed to take her. And she glares at me and starts telling me that i never pay attention and that everytime she's doing work do i ask to help? no, i just go blithely about my business and no wonder abby left without you, you don't care enough to help people out and on and on...i woke up in a very disturbed cold sweat...

anyway, davis and bethany come back today. or tomorrow morning. i hope it's today. i just got a call from a guy named jim who needs me to lifeguard for him next saturday, and he was pretty entertaining. he sounded like the traditional "surfer:" uh, hi this jim, from beaches? i was wondering, uh, if you could, uh, sub for me next saturday? when i told him i would get back to him, as i am not yet sure of my job status within the city beaches community, he said, oh, dude, ok, just uh, give me a call back. thanks.
hehe. i believe bridget jones would term jim a "grunge youth" which seems to fit in this case. anyway, must find something to do for the rest of to-day. hmm.

hurray! i have two jobs now. and a gig. hurray! i love being back in madison..things don't seem so disconnected. i guess that would mean that the majority of my life is at college..and of course that's true. still, i'm glad. i could only do so much from home, and now, not having been back in wisconsin for more than 15 hours, i've already gotten a job and practiced and given my accompanist my address so he can bill me (hmm..maybe not so happy). well, happy anyway. and now i can listen to the OBC recording of On the Town and study up the trombone parts. :) Just waiting now for the horn cats to get back so the summer can really get started. i'm on my own for tonight and tomorrow. but that's alright...plenty of chores to do (argh).

back in mad-town! goodness..this house is a mess of dust and moving in junk. I shall have to work on that this afternoon. I have another lifeguard test, at the SERF at 12:45. I guess since I already passed one lifeguard test (no matter how poorly) I'm not so nervous about this one. What I'm more nervous about is going to humanities (which I will in a sec) and pulling out my trombone for the first time in three weeks. eek. wish me luck!

somebody's blog is called "word to your llama." heheh.

CAKE rocks. no doubt about it.

rooting through my closet today i found some old papers from band leadership camp: my kiersey personality test thing. hmm. neat. i've always been rather attracted to these type of tests. some would say it's a security thing, i need someone else to tell me who i am or something, but i think i just like confirming what i already know. this one's pretty accurate. it says i'm a INFJ: an Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging personality. apparently we INFJs are very rare. hm. neet. i recall being the only one in the leadership, and that i was very closely related to jeff...which i thought was ironic but perhaps not so surprising. well, i won't bore y'all with the details. just thought it was interesting. well...time for supper.

lalala. what to do? go see another movie tonight? i wish abby would get in touch. bridget jones was alright-they changed the plot quite a bit and i thought it could have been much funnier. but it was still good. colin firth, mm, yummy. same goes for hugh grant, only perhaps a little more so.
poop on movie romances.

yes i am still bored. but here i am again! post post post, what a busy little beaver i! i was just rifling through davis' archives. reading some old stuff (but mostly looking for posts about me because i am the shit you know...hmm, not so much) and pondering and i started thinking about chris and mikey and how they are cool people. so, wherever you two crazy scouts kids are tonight, i'm thinking about ya.
i have managed to avoid the cookies. this is good. my mom made me tea, though, so i'm still feeling that "i've taken in too much sustenance" sort of bloatedness. mm. pleasant, i know.
a small annoyance: disneyland now costs $43. what up, fool? that's ridiculously expensive for a park that probably makes more money than the US can produce in ten years. i don't care about the damn energy crisis! they can handle it! it's disney for the love of buddha! so katie wants me to look into getting up to magic mountain...which costs the same but there might be a discount. now, the last time i tried to convince my parents to let me go to mm they turned me down because it's practically in thousand oaks and my dad has enough trouble with me just going to anaheim. humph. whatever happened to disney's southern california days? you used to be able to get into disneyland for $21 if you lived in s.ca. arhahahrhghaagha. that's the noise i made when i saw the price. i was on the phone with katie too and she wasn't impressed (now..i'd definitely be impressed if someone said "arhahahrghaagha" to me on a phone).
my mom and i are going to see bridget jones's diary tomorrow in the the-a-tre. hurray! i've been wanting to see it.
hmm...typing without caps is a wonderful thing.
it's my goal to get my blog up on the list of the 'ten most recently updated blogs' on the blogger website. i don't know why, i know it's a shitty goal but i'm so crazy bored i need something to do. so immediately after i press post and publish i'm running (figuratively) on over to blogger to see if i'm famous yet. i mean, i go click on those random blogs all the time just to compare and contrast. like the competitive weirdo i am.
i will be very happy to see davis and bethany again. i'm wondering (outloud, in case anyone cares to answer me) when they'll get back from the horn thing in michigan. i'm also pumped to start my job. i think it'll be good for me. i mean, look at this way: i have to be alert, confident, and i have to ride my bike to get there and do these things. (i'm obsessed with this bike riding thing, i know...but it all comes from the spell my beautiful blue bianchi bike has set upon me) so i'll get exercise and become a more aware individual. maybe. this is all just me bsing because i don't want to go find another book to read and feel like a vegetable for another two hours. bullshit bullshit bullshit. fun fun fun. i'm laughing at myself right now because i've written an obsessive amount of blogs that are basically ramblings about nothing in particular (and all very similar nothings, at that) which all my friends who are currently in sunny spain will have to catch up on when they get back. haha! i'm so evil.
speaking of evil, the man who does the voice of kronk in the emperor's new groove appeared in the episode of news radio that i happened to be watching today. kronk is my favorite character from that movie because...well, he can talk to squirrels. anyway, the episode was all about him being evil and there were some very funny cracks. the evilness is also ironic because dave foley is in news radio and he also does the character of heckubus(sp?) in kids in the hall, and he is very evil. eh, eh? see the connection. oooh i'm so terribly bored. look at me babble like a lunatic about sitcoms and sketch comedy. huzzah, huzzah! babbling is good for the soul, i've always told myself (more of a self-calming technique). back to the original topic of this paragraph, i simply must purchase emperor on video cassette because that movie whoops so much winamp ass (so there, winamp!). if this is not making any sense to anyone, then how about this:
woieighibodki wiw gohohopd. woijd wiognkdl k dkdigo. hjfirohp fkfl dliwogn alksodi g kls lwiwog.
in typing class (ironically the second reference i've made to that stupid class in two days) my favorite mindless exercise was this one:
asdfjkl; ;lkjfdsa asdfjkl; ;lkjfdsa asdfjkl; ;lkjfdsa
if you could give a definition to the word qwertyuiop, what would it be? how about poiuytrewq? qwertyuiop looks like some sort of sea creature, perhaps a new variant of polyp. and poiuytrewq is a new scientific device that stabilizes atoms. or it's a new type of space exploring mechanizism. you know, "the revolutionary space pod POIUYTREWQ landed on venus today and send back breathtaking pictures of what scientists are calling 'qwertyuiops' because of their uncanny resemblance to earth's own polyp family. no word yet has come back on whether or not the pod will be returning to earth or continuing on to venus' neighboring planet, mercury, for a look at the hot deserts of this solar system's first planet. in other science related news..."
hmm...that was..interesting. you know what i'd like to do? start up a joint blog that acts like one of those games we used to play in eighth grade with our vocabulary words. you know, each person has a word they have to use in a sentence, but that sentence has to be part of a story too. hence something like this: Once, a loquacious mole named gunther was travelling to see his niece, barbarella. he was unaware, however, of a major subterfuge that was being plotted against him in an attempt to steal his neat root collection. while he was on the road to barbarella's spiffy uptown tree pad, he came across a ubiquitous snake with fierce emerald eyes and a charming hiss in his throat. gunther was not alarmed, though, as he had often come across such an aberration in normal forest procedures before...
and so on. only, you wouldn't have to do it with vocab words, just each person adding a new and unique sentence or paragraph or whatnot. sound cool?
hmm. i don't think i can top that, so i'm going to go read some more. and no cookies! arhahahrghaagha.

bored bored bored

i must say, i was terribly disappointed in the sketch comedy proferred to me this afternoon by comedy central. it was very weak. saturday night live failed to stimulate. and kids in the hall only made me laugh out loud once. now...that's a sad episode of kids. i suppose this wouldn't have been so disappointing if it hadn't been the only thing i'd done all day. but it is and it was. sigh. my mom brought home price club cookies, and now i'm just going to spend the rest of the evening in this cookie-induced stupor that i am powerless to prevent. damn cookies. ah well.

well! i do my best work by accident, i suppose. i was getting set to change the colors around and try a sort of pink-on-white thing, but i guess i forgot to change the vertical bar from black to white, and voila! a masterpiece. the title is more centered over the bar too, which improves aesthetics. go me! it would be awesome if i could figure out a way to upload a little picture of a buddha for the title. hmm. next on the list.
as for doing nothing to-day, it's a little stale. i need some excitement. it's sunny outside. i feel like riding a bike or going roller blading. perhaps i'll take mr. chip's lazy ass for a walk.

marvelous news for all CAKE fans: the first single from their new album will be released for your radio pleasure on June 12th. Huzzah! That means the album and the tour are not far behind.

well, I think I'm done mucking with the colors. Maybe not. Probably, though, because it's the sort of thing I can only do in short bursts, and now I'll leave the scheme alone for another month or so. Then I'll figure out how to do something else to make it spiffy. It must be taken a step at a time.

What to do today? It feels like a good day to sit around and read a book. Just so.

well...a whole new look for old buddha stew. whatcha think? there are still some kinks. i'm still working with the color scheme..but i think i dig it. cant' figure out why the title's suddenly decided to be in lower case, but oh well, i figure it out tomorrow. it's definitely time to get some sleep.

I was just clicking through my hotmail inbox and i realized something: this past six months have flown by. I mean, sped by like so many reckless jetskiiers. The email mocking RB that Andy sent me was from december! That totally feels like last week. But then, on the other hand...some of the letters that Jessie and Brandon sent me in march feel like they're from ages ago. How does one cope with this realization that life is moving almost too fast for one to comprehend? There's a paragraph or two in Steinbeck's East of Eden that I was looking for last time I read...and unfortunately couldn't find. But it says something about how, at least for the author, that the times that fly by are the bad times, no matter how they seem to crawl at the time, because in retrospect you hardly remember them. It's the fun times, the laughs and the special stuff, that you retain every moment of for the rest of your life. I always thought that was interesting...the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Good times from the semester are easy to pick out: Paison's after brass bash, staying up all night on new year's watching sex and the city (and getting caught on the roof for drinking sparkling cider hehe), frisbee, brass quintet, random happy evenings playing scattergories in the cat house, "Pete" and Jeff, and on and on and on. Not so much of the bad stuff sticks out. Maybe I'm lucky that good outweighs the bad. Maybe it's not the same for everyone. But still, I'm glad it's this way. Monty Python: "always look on the bright side of life"

that little rant was sponsored by Rubio's Fish Tacos. This next one is sponsored by MTV2:
Watching a few random music videos tonight, I had a sort of "premonition" type thing. Some up-and-coming band was playing, and suddenly, in their place, i saw ryan's band. it was weird. I was thinking, wow, i'm famous by association. that drummer dude, i can say to my friends, yah, he and i used to be good friends. i was/am totally in love with him. maybe i'll get to go backstage at all their big shows. maybe not. maybe it'll just be a big rock star mess. maybe we'll have an argument about why we didn't work out...maybe it'll have to do with the fact that i'm not band girlfriend material or too demanding or that he's just too involved in the music. maybe there will be a lot of drugs, and they'll make the wrong sort of friends and then end up as another tragic story on vh1's behind the music. maybe..maybe...maybe lots of things. and here i am predicting a future for a band that i only know one member of anyhow, and that i've seen perform twice. silly me! but anyway, that's what goes through my head when i'm watching this random band on tv.

I think...although i said yesterday that i didn't....that i do want to go back to school now. it's time to get started on practicing and working and having a good time. not that being home isn't. but it lacks a schedule. and that constant stream of friends that invades my house and makes me laugh...it lacks roomates and bikes and the humanities building. i miss madison. weird, coming from me who lives in one of the prettiest cities in america...but i do. i guess it's just more accessible. i'm sick of driving, i want my bike. i'm sick of living with just my parents, i want my roomies. it's time to start practicing again...time to start swimming and working and partying and being my own person. so...one more week!

this is going to be a long blog. i don't really feel like stopping. fingers crossed that blogger won't erase it.

bandos. what a weird thing to call ourselves. in college, it's music majors, or music dorks. i think. please stop me if i apply any incorrect term to the grouping of the musical profession. gotta have a clique, i guess. at least, i do. it's nice to have a small circle of friends and an outer one too, that easily rotates and lets you breathe a little. that's kind of what the music school means to me. i think one of the reasons i stuck with music was that feeling of always having someone to hang out with. i don't think i would have made it through freshman year with just the people i met in dorms and classes. I mean...the dorm wasn't exactly what i thought it would be. too many hormones, too much one-uping going on. I used to think that that was one of the only reasons I stuck with music (besides my inherent love for the music, of course *rolls eyes*), but i think this desire to be practicing again is something new...something deeper. maybe i do really enjoy it. maybe it is something i can't live with out. wow.

ok, i think i can stop now. writing...it's like a companion. it keeps you company when you need to speak and it lets you say whatever. And for however you like. I used to keep a journal..but this is easier. My brain moves too fast for my pen, but my fingers can keep up okay. Thanks to high school typing class, the most tedious four months i've ever spent. And that my friends, as they say, is that.