Dear Bob Saget:
I am pi years old, and I would like to audition for the talent search you're having on your ugly television program. You are my favorite TV milk and I think you would like my act. I open by playing the beef. Then I sing "Somewhere Over the Lorn" while juggling three ass munchers. Then for a really cocksucking finish to my act, I recite Lincoln's Gettsyburg Dick and go offstage waving an American whore. If you give me the chance, I'm sure that I can become another hoochiemama or maybe even another Alex. And when I become rich and famous, I'll always tell everyone that you gave me my first big enema.
Yours Truly,
Grant

yesterday was, in so many words, a miserable rotten no-good bad day.

i hate being depressed (not that anyone particularily digs it) because for me it always happens when there is no one around who is willing to listen. or give hugs. and not even little things (like half-smiles of pleasant surprise to see you) do any bit of good (in this case, it only made the knives sink deeper). sigh.

but today is a new day, a busy day...and hopefully it will be better.

it's ironic that Friday night I loved making music...there was so much thrill and passion and energy...and Saturday night it was hell to even listen to music. Friday night I knew what I wanted; Saturday night I sunk back into indecision. sigh. little chunks of my heart keeping blacking out or dying of asphyxia. the chunks that manage to revive need a good stiff drink before they can continue with their heartly business. as do i, as do i. (but we can substitute stiff drink with large bowl of ice cream)

arhahahgrhaargh.

yep, that pretty much sums up how i feel about relationships right now. damn frustrated. grr. arrrgh. arhahahgrhaagh.

sigh.

well, the wonderful news for today is that RFO is cancelled, and as much as I love pounding away at the contrabass balalaika, sometimes it's hard to work up the energy. and this is just one less thing i have to do!!! huzzah. i also have to make an appointment at the edwards factory for next sunday to put together my spiffy new bass trombone!!!! i'm so excited...this is going to be the most fun ever!!! (i know, i know, music nerd, but hey, what can i do?)

we desperately need to go grocery shopping...but i don't know when we'll have time. so i've been eating crackers and ramen noodles. not exactly healthy, but remember i can go out to eat because 1)i can't get any cash out (the bank's closed) and 2)i don't have an atm card at the moment. so....ramen noodles it is, one more night. hurray!

arhahahgrhaagh.

oh man, i totally had something to say, and now i've forgotten it. damn. well, you all will just have to be devoid of that little bit of llama wisdome. schmu. g'night!

i am almost done getting my life back in order after the lost keys incident. i now have a new id card, money, a house key, and the bike key and atm card are on their merry way. getting a new bus pass requires paying $20!!!! ridiculous! so i am without a bus pass. no matter. what remains is my fourstar card, copy card, and noodles card. slowly, surely.

it is getting very cold and this is depressing! my california bones are craving warmth and not getting any from the cruel wisconsin weathergods. warm sunshine! there is sunshine but it is only mocking me, not warming me. grr, argh.

my mom is coming on friday! hurray! free meals! shopping! getting my trombone fixed! hurray!

i am definitely going someplace WARM for grad school.

either that, or I'm going to go to london. yes, this is an idea my mom just gave me. london. hmm...gonna have to start planning this...i can handle cold if it's in london. oh yes. i have so many after school plans...at some point, russia? and of course nepal is on my list. and touring europe with out chaperones (this is a must). etc etc etc. sigh.

well, shit. the loneliness is settling in again. do y'all know what i mean by "the loneliness?" (by the way, i just wanted to point out that for some reason, my last three posts have all used the phrase "y'all" and i'm not really sure where it's coming from. hmm) the loneliness for me is mostly just wanting somebody to lean on when i feel sad or stupid (the latter, in the case, is the cause of the former...for an explanation please see #1 of my Top Five Stupidest Things I've Ever Done list), and is compounded by the sight of two other people enjoying each other's company. you know what i mean. the loneliness sucks ass. i have managed to fight the loneliness but now that i can safely say i have recovered from being totally nuts about ryan it has come back with a vengeance. which doesn't really make sense, so let me rethink that. okay...i'm over the period of time where i felt like i had to be completely strict with myself regarding ryan, and now i just get to thinking that it's time for something new. Unfortunately this traps me in a vicious circle. Self-confident, happy lorn is overtaken by jealous, self-loathing lonely lorn whom nobody wants to be with. Yarrgh. whatever shall I do? :) it's alright...it's only one saturday night...

ah, but it's those saturday nights that really kill you...

Heheh...ah, the irony! So I'm telling everyone, go read Mikey's website, and meanwhile, he changes it to what is currently there...which is hiliarious but definitely not what I wanted y'all to read. Still, go see it. There is a tremendously funny comparision of some poor sap pictured in the Onion and the trumpet professor here, John Aley. Ok. Neat.

hmm...going to Milwaukee tonight with Ladies Must Swing...shall prove to be an interesting time, as playing with this group generally is. I have a feeling that I'm going to forget to do something this weekend, but I'm not quite sure what. Hmm...better look into that.

i highly recommend y'all read Mikey's website, if you haven't already (he is linked at left). He has some very intelligent things to say and everyone should read them.

well! this week has gone by crazy fast. after the events of last week i feel like i'm off a day; i kept thinking today was friday (almost!). russian folk orchestra started tonight...i get to play contrabass balalaika! (That's the huge one) it rocks. I'm having a lot of fun...the parts are easier than secunda (as if that could be possible) so all i really have to do is get the technique down and then i should have it nailed.

ah...i'm tired. now that the party upstairs has subsided, i think i can attempt going to bed with a minimal amount of headache. schmu.

oh goodness. i'm hungry.

well, i'm not really sure if i have anything exciting or even boring to say, just checking to let everyone know i'm still alive and school hasn't completely worn me out yet. many many things to do. lots of practicing. argh. not much homework though, which is good...at least i don't have to worrk too much about not doing work and i can spend more time with my horn.

and hunger is treatening to overtake me but i have to wait until five when abby and i are going for sushi. yum. oooh..."grumble grumble" says my tummy. i hope i can hold out.

i just don't know what to write. i have been realizing a lot of things this week, both about myself and about people, and i have discovered in myself such an intense love for all human beings that at times it almost overpowers me. i do not feel hatred, only sorrow...and it seems to me that to hate the perpetrators of this attack is only to aggravate the wound, to widen the rift between people of all backrounds. the saying i have heard the most of this week is "we cannot fight evil with more evil" and i can't agree more. it is sad to know that there is no one culture, no one nation that is entirely innocent of crimes against humanity. i have been looking inside myself to find the strength and love i know humans are capable of feeling. i am very proud of those who are helping, who are feeling, who are cheering on the survivors and rescuers. i am not proud of those who are looking for revenge. if you want revenge, the greatest and most powerful thing you can do is create peace, feel love. people are looking for a war now, and it tears my heart in two. the most relevant saying i can think of at the moment is: 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you.'
peace, love, happiness.

the most real, horrible things always seem a dream.

i am praying that everyone i love is safe tonight...

alright. all the other music majors in the world are out being productive and practicing right now. i should be engaging in this activity as well...in fact i want to be, but i have given in to going home and eating pop tarts on this excuse: due to the fact that i played too much on friday (in my post insulting-email-from-bill anger), or rather i played to much over one small period of time, and now i have a small cut on the right side of my inner upper lip...which makes a lot of things difficult (eating, talking...nothing gross!!!), not just playing. i am a little depressed about this fact. no one else is home. the back door was left unlocked, which for a second got my hopes up that i would have someone to commiserate with and therefore not be lonely. but no, it was not to be.

happy though...yes, the CAKE concert was marvelous. it was fantastic. i am still in awe that I have seen them perform live. it was a unique experience for me being a concert where i knew the words to all the songs. i don't have many favorite single bands...of the two bands which i love and know all their songs, one I have just seen and the other (sublime) no longer exisits as a musical ensemble. so it was great. Unfortunately I was not as close as i would have liked to have been, but i could see, at least (due to the fortuitous placement of a bag of sand near my feet, i was able to give myself a few extra inches). They rocked. I love CAKE. I have a sticker. I love CAKE. I really reaaaally do.

today is the big day! in just a few hours chris, emily and i shall be travelling down I-90 headed for chicago and one of the best bands ever to grace an oysterfest stage. damn skippy. it's CAKE day.

of everything i accomplish, the most important would be inner strength, character. but today i realize that i am the weakest of the weak. there is no strength in me that is capable of dealing with what needs to be done...and there is not strength even to run away and find something else. no, i am as weak as i could be: never moving forward or backward but only standing trembling in one place, unable to understand or reconcile anything. in the real world i will only be trampled and forgotten, all my endeavors will come to nothing and i shall only be ignored. my luck has run out.


what is it i love? what is it i do best? today i don't know anymore. music has offered me little solution. there is so much to learn, it's overwhelming. i'm so far behind, it's like looking up at the top of a mountain and having to climb it, even with a broken leg and a head cold. It could be worse...but it's pretty bad as it is. such a prize is waiting at the top! but i only sink deeper into the mud. only a few get up, and i'm not one of them. victim of ridiculously high standards? i guess so. but i don't know what else i can do. the day you realize the rest of your life is at stake and there's only two choices open to you (run away, or keep climbing) is pain, hurt...the day you'll make the decision seems impossible and eternally far away. you're just too wrapped up in suffering to figure it out. what do i do? where do i turn? i have answers, but nothing seems to fit (or perhaps i just don't want to hear it). it's only one day...and how huge it seems to loom when you don't perceive how much other time is waiting behind it in which you have to heal, to recover and to step forward healthy and conquering.

it hurts to hear that you're not good enough....but it hurts even more to know it's true.

Ah....there's always that period of time after you make a decision that you know will work out for you (whether it be about living life, encounters with the opposite sex, or just plain organizational stuff) where it's stagnant, before things start happening, there is nothing. Just a sort of joyful disappointment that nothing's happened yet. The "Ice Princess" manuever has worked out well. I am enjoying my freedom from complication and just being happy....I haven't worried about loneliness or self-doubt for a while. It's a very nice feeling. I guess I should just relax, and let nature and fate decide, take their time, and impliment whatever strategy they have for my forthcoming existence.

There is still Bethany sadness...If she reading this she should check out the CAKE tour page, for a nice surprise. :)

Corporal Zulu has taken off somewhere. He's not on his web on the lamp, nor is he camped out above Davis' dresser. No, he seems to be on sabbatical. Which is sad because he was becoming a part of our everyday existence (yes, I'll admit, I talked to him, asked him how his day was, if he'd caught any juicy flies... :), almost like a pet spider. I'd still be afraid of him if we came face to face, but I think we have an understanding that he stays up, and I stay down. So I am a bit disturbed that he has left. Where has he gone? Will he come back? Will we ever see him again?

Only one more day til we find out audition results. I'm more nervous for this than for the actual audition!!! The orchestra is playing Sheherazade and Shostie 5 for the first concert! AHH! What fun. I'd love to play that. I'd also love to be in Wind Ensemble again, because bands are fun when they're good and you play enjoyable music. But we'll see. Fingers crossed.

only 6 more days til the CAKE concert!

Ah yesterday. What a draining, emotional day. I think at the end of it, though, I can say that it was good...sad, but good. We sent Bethany off around 10...and Davis and I sat on the couch and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I called in sick for work...well, it was my last day, so I suppose....hehehe. Pulled myself together and went to warmup...not all that exciting. But everytime I talked to someone about Bethany leaving I got a little teary. Went home, ate lunch...got dressed for my audition and went back to Humanities and played. Pretty well!!! I'm happy with how it went. There was a minor crisis about Til Eulenspuihoweveryouspellit: Miah and Collin had to play it, as Bill thought it was on the audition list (another demerit for Bill!). I had to play it, but as sight-reading. Becker gave me a huge Becker smile and Smith spent the whole audition looking at me with his myopic-mole nose-scrunch thing. And he said the same thing he said last year: "much improved, Lorn, much improved" Good...I am so glad that's over. No more worries! Jerry talked me into auditioning for jazz band ("yeah, you should! Because the more people I know in jazz band, the better!"), so I've got to prepare that a little, but I'm not too worried. They're pretty laid back about that. I'll play some bass today and then work on the pieces I copied out of Joe's realbook.
After my audition I watched High Fidelity again with Emily, and then she went off on a date (ooh la la) and Abby and I went to one of the new sushi places on state street. Came back, sat around...Mike showed up, and we went to see Phat Phunktion at the Union. There we met up with Chris, Emily, Andy (date), Abby, Teresa, and various other people...Danced...I love Phat Phunktion---they play the absolute best live shows and they are so much fun! In case you aren't from the local Madison music scene (which rocks), PP is a funk/dance/70s type band. It's like Tower of Power mixed up with Jamiroquai. Only better. Yeah...so that was fun. Tired out and ready for bed, I came home and slept without an alarm clock! How wonderful to wake up naturally. So now I'm doing laundry and thinking half-heartedly about getting dressed.

Bethany's Bon Voyage party was a ton of fun. So many people came! It was awesome. Felicia, Mikey, Chris and I sat in the living room playing Charades with the tin I bought from Restoration Hardware...we were playing eariler but it was too loud and too busy....although Jerry trying to do "Ferdinand the Bull" was hilarious! (Prince....Tim! Prince....Rick...Prince...Raging Bull!!) I think everyone had a good time.

Alright, it's time to go get my laundry. Huzzah! Bethany is arriving in Germany as we speak...yay!