disdain on you!

In light of everything, I have decided that for the next few days I will just treat everything with disdain. You like country music? Disdain for you! You forgot your music in our lesson? Disdain for you! Republicans closing in on my reproductive freedoms? Disdain on that!

I will be looking down my nose at everything because I just can't be bothered to think that anyone but myself or my friends are important. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have already started with America West.

Oh, and I took my horn in, and it's probably going to turn out that I need a new bell section. $600?

Disdain on that, man. Fuck.

arahaghagahagh

To sum up my feelings about today: Christ on a bicycle, covered in jam, eaten by alligators I am just ready to explode.

Not only am I back in Dallas, with the mild annoyance of roommate issues and crazy dog stuff, with a bed STILL IN MY FUCKING DINING ROOM, zero local girlfriends with which discussions about vaginas and feminism can be had in person over coffee (and no, boys, please don't say that I can discuss my vagina over coffee with you at any time, because I will scream, and then I will murder you while you sleep with a broken CD. It will hurt, fucking badly I might add), dwindling finances, and the crazy feeling I get whenever I come back to this place that no one's got my back politically speaking (it's the weirdest thing- California feels so comfortable, so accepting of my liberal policies and eccentricities, and then minute I stepped off the plane in Texas all that happy feeling went crashing back down into the abyss (maybe Ed Harris can find it for me?))....

My horn....

My horn....

Oh fuck, it's fucking fucked. Fucked fucked fucked.

Crushed. And then twisted.

It's fixable...but...oh, my baby. My poor baby. You'll never be the same now, will you? And I'm so sorry I only practiced for...maybe five minutes while I was at home, you know I love you, don't you? I'm so fucking sorry. Oh lordisa this is bad. Oh puddle jumper airplanes, how I hate you. I will never ever never ever never fucking fly a one hour connection ever the fuck again.

Guess I'll be practicing bass for a few days, eh?

I'll show you a picture later, when I've recovered a little, and also my (MY!) computer is hooked up to the internet. It's already got a Youngblood sticker on it, I'm that excited about it.

That said, I did make out like a bandit at home. I got new clothes and a pea coat and a computer and Adobe Photoshop and $100 surrepitously handed to me by my father before leaving. Hung out with Natalie and Tara and Nick and Mikey C and Megan. Had a nice sexy dream about Jon Stewart. Ate a lot of sugary crap.

So, the $100 will not be going toward Eddie Izzard DVDs and rent as previously planned, but instead toward instrument repair. I was so upset I skipped out on my students today. I needed the recovery day, anyhow. Back in business tomorrow.

woozy

Just played like four hours of Myst III: Exile, very nauseous. All spinny and flustered.

Have almost won though. I so rock.

t-giving

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." -Jon Stewart

Happy Turkey Day from someone who wishes that, maybe someday, she'll be able to ignore this stupid holiday and its history of genocide and spend the day in more constructive pursuits. Until then, she is obligated to do as the parental units see fit. For the love of Susan, if you can, please do something helpful for your fellow humankind today.

(While I'm on the topic of Jon Stewart, well, sometimes my dreams really piss me off- see below- and other times they manage to rock my world just right. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.)

it lingers

I had these dreams about Jerry last night that spoke of rejection and betrayal, and while I know no facet of either is true, they persistent in haunting my mood today. I don't really want to talk about them- I was going to post elsewhere (you know where) but when I got there I found my voice had already said it for me:

(from Sept 14th, 2004)
I walked up into my bedroom just now, and for a minute I thought- oh, Jerry's left. My bed's unmade, the pillows are haphazardly strewn across it, it smells warm like two people spent the night there.

No, there's no Jerry in Texas. It was an illusion, a throwback to times long past a year removed. It was a double sadness- first the disappointment of not having a sleepy boy waiting for me, memories of the past night assailing me through his fingertips and the circle of his arms, and second the utter dejection of realizing that the boy was never there at all.

The feeling passed, I recovered- did I? I thought I'd moved beyond the aching but it flashes past me every so often, glimpses of happiness tinged with regret. Grateful that I don't feel that way all the time anymore, like I used to, but sad that I am so far away from the memories now as to be shocked by them.
******

Maybe I'm listening to too much Jeff Buckley (who reminds me ever so of Jerry, for many reasons- sensuality being the biggest one of all), maybe I'm just lonely and lost- but the memories I've been living in lately all correspond to my room on Johnson St, twinkling string lights, spring winds, and something soft on the stereo. Passion, tenderness and understanding flicker through my soul but they're only half there- mostly shadows. What's love when it's...not lost, but shifted in other directions? Strained by distance and differences too monumental for us to surmount, it lingers on the fringes of emotion. "I miss you-" can that convey as much as I want it to? It's the deepest thing I've ever felt and the most painful. I miss you.

feeling helpless

Natalie and I went to UCSD last night to see a free showing of The Corporation, a documentary film about the evils of corporate greed and wealth in our rapidly declining world.

I have to say, although the film ended on a somewhat positive, activist note, I've never had anything make me feel more hopeless.

And I'm glad I drink soy milk.

With interviews from both sides of the capitalist fence (ranging from my sugar daddy Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore to consultants for the Fraser Institute and corporate spies), the film pretty effectively dissected the harm done to human health, animal wellfare, and our environment. It was almost too much to handle at times- the sense of humor of the movie coming on strong in the first half and dwindling almost to a halt as the subject material got darker and darker- that I felt pretty hopeless. Fetal position hopeless. If the election didn't make me want to leave the country for more progressive climes, this movie did.

Which is not to say you shouldn't see it. Go see it. Do it. Applaud the wonderful man that is Ray Anderson.

And then read Derrick Jensen's The Culture of Make-Believe.

I was feeling pretty and spiffy in my new clothes yesterday, since it's been ages since I've had anything new. Now I just feel tainted and complicit- what's a Gap whore to do? How do we make the companies we love represent our interests environmentally and in humanitarian ways?

[psst- You can start with Buy Nothing Day. Or- What's your Ecological Footprint? Mine is 19.1 acres- Jay-sus!- 75.8 % of the average American.]

your holiday gift from me

Ally of Subliminal Pudding gave me the idea to do mixed CDs as the seasonal gift of choice this year. It didn't take me very long to put together a kick-ass (if I must say so myself) collection of songs centered around the theme "post-election angst with pre-election songs."

Spanning several decades from Johnny Cash to The Shins, you can expect only the finest in alternative country, rock, hip-hop, brit pop and indie music weighing in on politics and society as we know it from this quality album, yours for only $0.00- alls I needs is an email containing the following information:

1. Your Full Name and Preferred Courtesy Title (Mr, Ms, Sir, Cockface...)
2. Your Address
3. Your Favorite Dead Indie Rocker
4. What Makes Lorn the Awesomest Person EVER (in your humble opinion)
5. Your Hopes and Dreams for the Future of America

Happy Holidays!

done, and done.

Safely home, with only a minor hitch in my layover in Las Vegas. I had to switch airlines, but in Vegas they don't let you just go from terminal to the next, oh no, you must recheck in and go through all the security crap again. Thus, by the time I'd gotten to the ticket agent, I'd missed my flight. She booked me on a later one, which gave me the distinct advantage of not having to wait around baggage claim for my bag, as it was already there. Take that bag! Now you have to wait for me for a change! How do you like them apples? (cue: Chris McGann)

I finally got on an airplane that was showing a movie I wanted to see, Spiderman 2. Except I couldn't see any of the screens- the one closest me was too close and to my left, so I got that schizo side-of-the-LCD-screen crap, and the one in front of that was being blocked by The Man With The Largest Head In The Universe. Well, at least I could hear the movie. Except for when my headphones were, oh, let's say, going in and out of mono. Guess I'll have to rent it.

My dad had transferred some stocks into my name and then cashed them, so I had a cool $200 waiting for me. Money, thou art a necessary evil but I still love it when I have more of you.

And then, I got a new phone. Well, I got an old phone. I got an old phone that is new to me. It is beat up and scratched, but it has a picture screen and "Baba Yaga" from Pictures as a ring tone, and it only cost me $20. I went into the T-mobile store intending to get a new new phone, but as it turned out one of the phone gurus had this old one for sale. Deena. Soooo cuuute. Totally smitten with Deena right now. Serious Ani D vibes comin' offa that girl.

So now I have one goal for my trip home achieved (and that without breaking a sweat!), I can get started on the others. A) Do the grad school stuff. Seriously. Get the fuck on top of that shit. B) Wash my non-machine washable clothes that have lain in a pile in my closet for three months. C) Drink myself silly.

Since, as you can see by the post below, I got barely an hour of sleep last night, and napping in the terminal in Vegas was a bust what with the *brrring brrring!* and the *whoop whoop whoop whoop* of the slot machines, and I've had only a cinnabon and a banana to eat, I'm running on a particular brand of empty I like to call "fuck you guys, I'm going to bed."

whoa, anxiety

Why am I so nervous that I'm going to miss my flight tomorr...er, this morning? I'm at the point where I can't sleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up. And if I do wake up, I'm afraid my roommate won't, and then I'll have to drive myself and pay out the ass to park at the airport. And then I'm afraid, that, since both my flights are short ones (to Las Vegas and then to San Diego), I'll have to gate check my horn and something terrible will happen to it. I'd leave it here- but ten days is too long to go without practicing, especially on my new, improved diet of not being a slacker and having grad school ambition. Taking my horn also means that my mandolin will, once again, have to stay at home. I miss it! Having something that musically I'm allowed to suck at just makes playing my trombone feel so much better. Also, bluegrass! It's awesome!

I only get this way about flying when traveling is especially important to my mental and/or emotional health- I have to get out of Texas. I have to see Mikey C and Nick and Tara and Megan. I simply must be driven downtown and gotten drunk this weekend (I'm not driving! I refuse!). It is imperative that I go to the beach and rejuvinate my tired spirits. I must just go absolutely wild about italics.

And here I thought that beer would make me sleepy. I am sleepy, but still wired.

Okay, I'm off to run around in circles and then hit the wall at top speed. I'll see you on the flip side, on the left coast.

snark is, like, my favorite word, man

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

What kind of blogger are you?

ganked from Elena Mary.

anniversaries

If I were still in Madison, this would be the weekend for the fifth annual Trombone Studio Party. Judging from the reverse exponential curves of attendance of trombonists vs non trombonists, the only actually trombone player at this hypothetical party would be yours truly. But I'd still have fun, and anyway, everyone's an honorary 'bonist when they're drunk.

Here's my recap of the 2nd one, which would make today, technically, also an anniversary for Jerry and I. If indeed you're allowed to celebrate these kinds of things when you are no longer romantically involved, then: Happy anniversary, Jerry!

That also makes it the anniversary of the vodka smoothie and the death of my first kitchen chair by Davis. Happy anniversary vodka smoothie and broken chair!

At the first party, you'll recall, Putnam ate hair gel and also played Lady and the Tramp with Miah. Andy also played balalaika and dragged Cara around on one of our kitchen chairs. Sean rode a bike into a wall in the basement. There were games of dickball. I lolled upon the floor and made fun of Jason. Beatriz giggled a lot, and Collin made soup. Ian "left me a tip" off of my front porch.

At the third party, Dan entertained us in the kitchen until I thought my gut would burst. Tony played with my rubber animal toys, and the only four trombonists to show up did a shot together without shot glasses. This one was fun, but not quite so eventful. I think Sam and Brian drank an entire bottle of Peach Schnapps, unless Beatriz really did show up (I bought it for you, you know!).

In honor of this prestigious holiday, I am off to toast and drink a glass of wine for the memories of successful Cat House parties everywhere.

language, please!

I learned something new today from my culturally adept roommate (note: sarcasm) that rather disturbed me.

He was playing a computer game when I came home and I asked him about it. I forget (or perhaps don't care about) all the details but it was, needless to say, addicting despite it's "gayness." "Oh?" says I. "Does the game like other games of the same sex?" (I used to say that to Blue Lake kids all the time- it really teed them off and it was great to watch) "Not gay," he says. "G-H-A-Y, ghay. It means stupid, uncool."

I offered my opinion that the term, then, was expressing an ironic otomotopeiac quality (in a literary sense) by being very uncool and stupid itself.

Because the pronunciation remains the same, what listener would be able to discern the vague differences in intent? And hasn't "that's gay," in the parlance of our times, evolved to convey this precise meaning? There are people that can argue with me til they're blue in the face that words that previously were associated with a negative stereotype have since become divorced from these images and are acceptable, but I just don't buy it. A man called a "pussy" is still being associated with supposed feminine weakness and something being gay still underlies societal homophobia. The slandered group in particular, of course, can reclaim the term but with a positive spin (i.e. "Davis, you're one cuntastic pussy! Bitch!").

So by saying, "no, I meant to use 'ghay' because then no one can accuse me of being homophobic because I really have nothing against gay people, really, I just don't know any/personally think it's gross/have been hounded to death by the PC police and am tired of crying myself to sleep at night" one is still participating in stereotypical language. A difference in spelling that does not affect pronunciation is just another way of refusing to change in the face of ignorance and hatred.

Anyway, I looked it up. Hrmm. Case in point.

And yes, I know that I am a hypocrite. I say, "that's dumb!" all the time but I certainly don't mean that the object or concept in question is unable to speak. And no, not all things that are "cool" are actually cold or even lukewarm. If I have been known to use the charming phrase "riding the short bus" and anyone has been offended, I apologize. I promise to stop- right after I say it and giggle a few more times.

All y'all, really, are such fabulous cunts.

say, dallas- if you're not doing anything...

Tonight, at 7:30 pm at the North Lake College Theatre (5001 MacArthur, Irving, TX), live jazz!

Featuring yours truly on bass trombone- I've even got a feature! It kicks my ass! But I'll still play it well for you!

This band is pretty rockin- I think it's going to be a spectacular concert.

posts in the works

I finished Catfight, and it's got me thinking about SAI, actually. So a long, dilligent post regarding that topic is in the works.

Reasons why I love Dan B. also being mulled over. Dan B. rocks my world. Dan B. makes my future look brighter just by virtue of being inspiring.

Reasons why I love Davis. Davis cheered me the fuck up in a moment of serious depression today- I don't think she realized what good timing her call was this afternoon. I appreciate it endlessly.

Why Fat Tire is a good beer is kinda the reason for this post. I'm a little drunk because of it, and it feels good.

Do you know what I did tonight? After my roommate and his gf went to do their thing, I walked across the street and petted the horses. It was...sublime. Hurray for horses. If only my life could be so easy.

I'm going home for TEN DAYS starting Friday. I can't bloody wait.

get fuzzy

It's a repeat but it's my favorite:

i don't think i'm living in the real world anymore

I went out and rented The Sims: Bustin' Out (playing it at Jason's last weekend inspired me to improve my experience) the other day and have been playing it pretty much nonstop. This is what happens when you have a) little else to do and b) like to procrastinate on things you should do.

I'm starting to feel like my Sim's life ("Ani Difranco," currently a massage therapist on her way up the counterculture career track) is more real than my own. Sure, I have to tell her when to go to the bathroom and eat and feed her fish, but hell, she's got friends. I'd almost like to hear that jubiliant music for myself when I've gotten fitter/learned a new recipe/been promoted. It would make me feel better. And sure, I'd like to be so dog tired I could just fall asleep on the floor.

The game is due on Monday and this is probably a good thing. I should turn it in and forget about it. I've never been a game junkie, nor do I stay addicted to time wasting activities for very long- but I could see this becoming a serious thing with me. Practicing trombone? Bah. Applying for grad school? Please, I'll never get in. Planning for the future? What future? Ani's about to get that promotion to yoga instructor!

I'm forcing myself to leave for chai at Borders. NOW. Go, Lorn, go. Go now. Stop typing, put on your shoes...go.

mm, smell that sweet texas bigotry

Texas is next.

AUSTIN – A West Texas legislator on Monday proposed a constitutional amendment that would define marriage as a "union of one man and one woman," a move conservatives called an endorsement of national efforts to ban gay marriage.

The amendment is seen as a sure-fire win in a state where Republicans dominate the House and Senate. Lawmakers convene in January, and they could send the amendment to voters as early as next fall.

"Sometimes legislators get out of touch with the people, and this puts it back into perspective," said state Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, the bill's author. In 2003, the Legislature passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

jerry's giving me his laptop

Jerry rocks.

I feel blessed to have a best friend who feels that I am the appropriate receiver of his unused electrical goods. I mean, I hardly ever use the minidisc either, but I do like it. It's sexy and blue. It also came with Tom Waits and Erykah Badu for my listening pleasure. These things matter to me.

But, a laptop means I will be able to do whatever I want with a computer- on Mike's I am not authorized to download or customize much- whenever I want. Sure, I still pine for that iBook, but it's gonna be years before I can afford that shit. Best to go with the generous gifts of someone you love. And I really do love him. :)

Perhaps I'll be able to pay it back to him someday. A plane ticket to see me perhaps?

shit! (or, why i'm a bargain whore)

I went to Borders tonight for the customary chai and flirt with the barista, and ended coming home with two more DVDs. It was a hard decision. They had a bargain bin of 2 for $20, and it contained several of my favorite movies. I ended up opting for The Boondock Saints and 10 Things I Hate About You, because I own The Red Violin on VHS and the DVD didn't seem to have any special features that necessitated getting the DVD. Also on option were This Is Spinal Tap, The Meaning of Life, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I went with 10 Things...well, what can I say, I like the Heath action.

Also, I cooked a roach today in my pasta. I didn't find this out until AFTER I drained it.

Ew.

he treats objects...like women, man...

I've been distracting myself with media of various forms, so I'll share them with you (Just like Jon Stewart said the other night, "Nothing a brick of hash and porn tapes won't fix. I'm a blue stater, baby!") for your comfort as well.

First, music and movies:

The Garden State soundtrack was a mere $10 at Circuit City. Check out the tracks by The Shins, Zero 7, Cary Brothers, and Frou Frou to hear some of my favorites. Ah hell, they're all good.

Also at Circuit City for $10 was The Big Lebowski. I can not establish well enough how much Julianne Moore's character rocks in this movie. "Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey." See also: "Does it bother you when I say that word? Vagina."

Books:
Keeping with the Braff family theme, brother of Zach Joshua has penned a novel by the name of The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green. Good read, I finished it in about four hours.

Leora Tanenbaum's new book, Catfight: Rivalries Among Women, is a similar look at social situations affecting women and behavior like her earlier work, Slut: Growing Up Female With A Bad Reputation. I loved that one, and Catfight is promising more of the same insight into women's relationships with the social order. I have some thoughts on competition- I can read Tanenbaum's book with a bit of disconnect than other women might because I don't often think in competitive terms. More on that when I finish the book.

Freethinkers: A History of American Secularism by Susan Jacoby, was recommended to me by a friend at the OTJ Forum (We trombonists are intelligent, well-read folks). It's a look at the history of those in our country's past who have planned, organized, and defending separation of church and state. I'm told mention of the early feminist movement and abolitionist leaders is mentioned in some detail.

It's a link heavy post, and my "Ctrl-V" fingers are tired. But I'll give you one more. If you were looking for Sorry, Everybody after I gave you that link in the email, it seems to have disappeared. You can find the livejournal community here.

don't discount me, i voted, and so did my friends

There's been people on both sides blaming the youth for low turnout again- and saying that it cost Kerry the election. Turns out it's not true.

Start with the numbers. According to professor William Galston at the University of Maryland, at least 20.9 million Americans under 30 voted on Tuesday. That is an increase of 4.6 million voters from 2000. Four years ago, just 42.3 percent of young people voted. This year more than 51.6 percent did.

Young people were especially active in battleground states, with turnout at 64.4 percent of eligible voters. Furthermore, these estimates understate things, because college kids are more likely than other groups (except the military) to vote by absentee ballot. Surveys of college students around the country, done in the weeks before the election, found 42 percent of students planning to vote absentee. Exit polls completely miss these young voters who numbered, this year, close to 3 million.

That is, according to the article, the highest youth vote turnout since 1972. It also threatens the assumption that absentee ballots will go to a Republican candidate, as seemed to be the fear in Florida and Ohio this year (it makes sense to me, I mean, I voted absentee in CA in the smaller elections while at UW).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Democrats attempt to blame part of Kerry's loss on the youth not turning out at the polls feels like an excuse to ignore us for four more years. It's true that if you don't vote, politicians won't pay attention to your needs. But we did vote this time, and to ignore us again in the next congressional and presidential elections would be a big mistake.

[Via Kos. Be sure to check out what the electoral map would have looked like if only the youth vote had been counted. Or maybe you like purple better.]

blogger ate my inspirational post

And I no longer have the energy to duplicate it. See here and here.

There's work to be done still.

Oh, and "moral values?" Moral fucking values? I have some of those, lessee:

1. Don't kill
2. Don't kill
3. Value the lives (and quality thereof) of people around the world
4. Value the ability of people to make their own decisions on how to live aforementioned lives
5. Don't kill.

Hey, I'm religious too! In Buddhism, we call it compassion and mother-love.

I'm moving to the United States of Blue America (A shoutout to both my home states. Thank you).

that's it, i'm moving back



80,000 people turn out for a Kerry rally in Madison, WI.

survey says...

I'm trying to talk Jason into getting a blog. Who else here wants to see it? I need a show of comments. A show of comments, anyone? He's smart and he's funny and I need something new to read. If all y'all had your own blogs, I'd be in heaven. Unless your posts are sporadic and teasing, and you don't return my phone calls, like Davis.

Jason-I'll even set it up for you and show you everything I know. I'll read it every day and leave a comment on every entry. Or I could blackmail you with some photos I found on the internet one day. Ha ha!

halloween, the fall holiday of choice for binge-drinking college students
[you get a twofer topic on this post, because I'm too lazy to post again]

I spent Halloween with the Halloween master, or at least its biggest fan, the man whose unavoidable descent into blogging is discussed above. Went to a party in my half-assed Leela costume and no one had any idea who I was, which means Denton does not have a high enough concentration of nerds for me to find it an acceptable place to live. In Madison, people would have been all over that shit. [Insert obligatory moment to moon nostaligically over lost UW years] Anyway, we got drunk and were rude in Denny's (although not as rude as perhaps we would have liked to be), and stayed up until dawn playing a game suspiciously like that my roommates and I used to play. Ladies, you know the one- with the questions and the mixed up answers. We came up with a name for it, and I swear we invented it, yeah? How'd it get down here so fast? Should we have copyrighted it?

And here I am, back in Plano, going crazy as fuck from boredom again, and desperately trying not to freak out about the election tomorrow. Although my post below might indicate success for my candidate of choice, I can't help but think no matter who "wins" there will be chaos somewhere which postpones the results.

363 days until the next Halloween, and some 60 or so days until the next binge-drinking holiday, which I'm hoping to spend in Pasedena celebrating the presence of Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. [Insert obligatory Badger football cheer here]

eeeeee! eeeee!!! eeee!

Kerry 298 Bush 231.

And: for those of us whose cell phone is our only means of telephonic communication, our opinions are finally being tapped. 57% of cell phone users favor Kerry. [Via Republic of T]

I know, I know, they're polls. Polls are only a slice of what could really happen, but this mobile phone poll is a step in the right direction.

But if you haven't decided, don't let the polls influence you. Vote for whomever you think is best (a hint: his name starts with a K and ends with an -erry). Take a look at your local candidates, your senate races, as well, because changing the presidency is only half the battle.