so i FINALLY got a back rub. and I'm very happy. thank you miah. you rock.

good things! my mom sent me pumpkin cake with raisins and walnuts and sugary frosting on top. it's the yummiest thing i've ever eaten. yum yum. yum.
i talked to miss megan last night! hurray! it was a fun conversation. must spent more time keeping in touch. goal for the semester (along with all my other goals).
played a lot of high stuff today...and didn't get tired until much later! hurray! my long-lost high chops are finally returning and making life much much easier.
fun-ass car ride to the oakwood gig with joe. he's hilarious. ("want some juicy fruit? it calms my road rage.") the concert debut of bernard as well. bien! glad it's over, that concert. old people in homes make me sad. it reminds me of my gramma. i hope that i can take care of myself when i am elderly.
okay. i'm tiiiired. and i have studying to do. (bleh!) studying...geez. i've already been studying! (studying trombone) isn't that enough for you people!!!!!!!! grr, argh, ha-rumph.

prretty pretty please comment!

I'm trying very hard to have a good year...but so far it is just not happening.

Lesson learned last night: The more you look forward to things, the more disappointing they will be. I also realized that I am absolutely FED UP. Meaning, as much as I try to be myself and have a good time, I always end up concerned about what so-and-so will think about me, do they like me etc etc. So I'm fed up with this attitude. And I just feel very apathetic about everything (except bass trombone). I need some inspiration, I need to feel like I'm going somewhere...everything is so stagnant. I don't understand myself, either. I have nothing to complain about, but in my head there is always something wrong. The ghost of self-pity.

disappointment also extends to people: to friends, to boys, to society, to everyone. it's like dan's quote...but my island just seems to be miles and miles away from everyone else's. continental drift. I wish there wasn't so much in my head...maybe then i would find some peace and happiness. praise to the simple-minded! may we all strive to be less like Rabbit and more like Pooh-Bear.

"Look at it this way. You, your personality, is an island. Everyone is an island, so we're all a bunch of islands in this big sea..and all we ever get to see of another person is their coastline. Maybe occansionally you'll send in an expedition, chart out some territory, but you'll never really get to the interior of someone else's island." --Dan B, 10/24/01

So I sucked it up and went swimming today, and I'm still waiting for the results. My nose isn't running as much, but the cough is getting deeper. So...oh well. I talked to Arwen and she was super excited about our halloween costumes. I am too. this is going to be fun. I desperately need some orange pants and shoes though. and a little orange scarf, and my ensemble is complete.

boys! (i mistyped that the first time and wrote "buoys") i think i've been reading the sex book too much, now on top of emotional loneliness the physical side is kicking in too. bleh. (jazz band concert very good tonight)

i have weird looking fingers. i've noticed it before, but i just looked again and there they are, in their weirdness. my fingernails are all goofy too, because i never know what to do with them so i just keep them short and then they grow out in new and exciting combinations each time. so my fingers are weird. my feet though, are very cute. i am proud of my feet.

ooookay! tangent, and i'm sure none of you cared. so i'm going to go to bed. just so. g'night.

i had a thoroughly delightful dinner with Dan today. we went to einstein's and chatted about boys.

i also played bass trombone duets with Terry last night...and it was a blast. he's so amazing. i hope i can someday be at least a fraction of his musicianship. we traded horns for a while (he has an edwards bass too) and talked shop and christan and about how blair bollinger looks like a porn star. fun! i love my new horn.

i would also like to reaffirm how much i love my job (the nat). the people are so much fun. even morning shifts. yes. even those. and i scared some lady while i was doing my breathing exercises up on the stand by myself (you have to do something to keep yourself awake). fun fun fun. i am behind on my swimming though, so i have to go in tomorrow night and do a 1500. yargh. oh well.

still needing help on the comments bar. and don't be afraid to put in comments!!!!

now i have a comment function! it's a little askew right now, but feel free to use it, i'll get it straightened out and more visually pleasing asap (right now i have to go break the porch so i can free my bike from it's evil grasp...or rather, my bike lock's evil grasp). ciao!

lorn is desperately need a back and neck massage. yarrrgh.

i will have to say that there is something to be said for not having a voice. you only say what is needed...and how often is that, really? i have had, to be sure, a certain amount of fun going about today writing notes to people and being cheerful. funny, eh? i recommend for a day trying to go with out saying much, and see how refreshing it is! you can say a lot with facial expressions. and little scraps of paper. yeah.

this cheerfulness is also an apology for my previous very whiny post. :)

yes, i now have a beautiful shiny wonderful bass trombone. in exchange for this, i lost my voice. hehe. yes, it's not so much fun, but it's alright. it was probably not a good idea to drink beer last night (although not so much) and stay up late (2:30), but it was fun. kind of weird at some points, because i felt like just an onlooker, but i learned a lot about boys. went over to griff's and played video games and made prank phone calls to the dorms and such. well, they did. and i sucked at the video games. and then there was wrestling. and i almost fell asleep walking home. and i woke up with absolutely no voice and having to go to a rehearsal. i am becoming more and more convinced that sundays just absolutely blow. sunday nights especially. i mean, i have to work from 5-7, and then afterwards i meet with the pledges, or it's possible it's a sai meeting, or even an inservice for the nat. so no matter what i do, i get to run around and there is absolutely NO time to sit down and nap, which is my number 1 sunday activity. well, i'm just being whiny for the sake of being whiny, but i'm just kind of upset because a good deal of my weekends lately have absolutely sucked and i find myself looking forward to the week. because during the week i have regular sleeping hours and practice hours and such. and i don't freak out about boys and i'm not disappointed because a certain evening didn't go my way. so yeah, weekends suck. maybe next weekend won't. maybe i'll take the opportunity to get incredibly wasted next week and see where it leads me. yeah. great plan, lorn. (at least i won't be the only one: it's halloween and it's homecoming. rock). or maybe i'll just forgo all the festivities and sleep. mmm, sleep.
today was brandon's opera thing at canterbury bookstores. intending to go on time, i fell asleep reading and woke up late...so i went but i didn't feel like talking to anyone (or rather, i couldn't talk to anyone) so i just perused the book shelves and listened to the singing. i feel rather bad about not actually going, so to speak, but oh well. life's full of little difficulties.

sigh.

okay, 3 and a half hours of sleep tonight.
so why am i online then, instead of going to bed right away? well, i can't really answer that effectively. mostly i just thought it wouldn't make that much difference either way. so what follows will be a series of seemingly random exclamations, but which actually pertain to the events of this evening.

boys!!!!!

sex books!!! cats!!!

bass trombone!!! hurray!!!!

okay, bedtime!!!!!!!!! huzzah!!!!!

ah, trombone-getting tomorrow! hurray! unfortunately i cannot go tonight because i could not find a sub for work, so now i have to make a one-day elgin trip, which is unfortunate because i love the s'murphys so and i would like to see them for more than five hours. sigh. ah well.

bad news on the bike: the new keys didn't work and if i want to get it cut i have to bring the lock into the store, which means i have to break the porch. hm. unfortunately we don't have anything convient with which to break the porch, so i've been kicking at it with my foot but that doesn't seem to work very well. argh.

a grip of mikey quotes lately, here's another: "oh, that's embodiment of all evil too, just in a convient pocket-sized form." regarding the confusing aspects of the exorcist.

the game got more confusing today. first of all, i'm not sure how to take this, but how come homeless people are the only people that ever hit on me? it's weird. i was walking through homeless and druggie park on my way to the bike shop, and this guy walks up and says, "hey baby, where you been all my life." "zero points for creativity." i should have said, but instead i just ignored him. and then another guy askes for some change and i told him i didnt have any (which is true) and so then he says "that's, fine you're still looking good, baby!" (eek) "uh, great, have a good day." "you know that baby, right? Mm-hmm." this all ties back into that guy outside of knuckheads this summer who wanted me to buy him dinner and made similar comments. geez, people! should i be flattered, freaked out, or nonchalant?
second game confusion: was niles hitting on me at the donut table today? hm.
confused because the person who's supposed to be doing that sort of thing (translation: boy lorn wants to like her) was standing only three feet away. not that i minded the niles conversation. oh boys. you're so silly. here's lorn, intelligent witty charming, and oh yeah, what a niiiiiice ass, and no action!! let's get cracking, kids. i'm running of young carefree college time.

too much for some of you? kittens. roly-poly puppies. baby birds. sandcastles.

shitty shit shittyness.
my health is deteriorating into the sick zone. now, this is not so hot. nobody likes being sick, so you know how it goes. it sucks. especially when you have to play in perf class on monday and you already suck at your piece enough that getting sick isn't going to help anything. well, poo on my immune system! fucker.

mikey wants to know about "the game." ask me in person sometime, i'd be more than happy to tell you. it might envolve a long personal history of my misadventures in the world of boys. be prepared.

still no bike key, still no trombone. argh! i hate waiting. argh. okay. dishes to do, beds to sleep in. g'night

poo, work tomorrow.

brass quintet rocked tonight, i'd just have to say. yes. we are mature and professional musicians-to-be, and my, did we prove it.

it's cold. damn, wisconsin. damn. poo on cold. poo.

hm...what to say? i met with the pledges for sai tonight, and i am very excited about them. they have a lot of energy and organization and i think it'll be a good year. i am very excited about sai this year...we finally got our butts in gear (sufficient leadership) and decided to make something out of this fraternity. hurray! i'm proud to be a part of it.

davis' recital was AWESOME. i wish I had been on the other side of the piano, but page turning was fun too. the brahms trio was excellent. hurray for them!

i am still tired. i think i've finally entered the perpetually tired zone stage of the college semester...which is way later than usual, but i won't complain about that. maybe i just should go to bed...mmm, bed.

well, all else to say is, i really really reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaally hope i get my trombone this coming weekend. reeeeallly. reeally really.

i bought some stuff for my halloween costume today: a cool orange plaid coat, and a fuzzy orange shirt. I already have a beret, so I can be LALA ORANGE from the Rainbow Brite gang. Hehehe.

it has been a weekend of kitty-cats: i am cat-sitting alana's, rocky and niles. and emily's brother rob and his fiancee just got two kittens! They are adorable. I'm pining away for a kitten now. we'll see...maybe if it works out with rob's allergies we can find a way to deal with emily's as well and then the cat house can have real cats!!!

i am extremely tired! it's time for bed.

so, in contradiction to my response of a few blogs ago, no, it's not worth it. it's all crap and i'm destined for loneliness all my life. might as well get started on my wandering asthetic stage now.

ah, i'm such a fool. perhaps it would be best if i just learned to accept this and then maybe things would be alright. i just hate being a fool---laughing too loud at things that aren't all that funny, acting nervous, not knowing what to say, saying dumb things, mumbling, showing off...yes, i hate this game. it's a stupid game. the trouble is, i'm either not playing or losing miserably...i never get past the first stage. when i'm not playing, i'm depressed about it; when i am playing, i hate it. dammit.

I have a new horn!!!! A beautiful, shiny new Edward's bass trombone...customized to my playing style and the best professional horn you could ever get! It is also one of two bass trombones in the WORLD that possesses the new and revolutionary (okay, maybe not revolutionary) "edge" bracing, which frees up the sound and feel. Which means I can't have it quite yet; they have to make another edge valve casing before they can send it to me. It's the most beautiful exciting thing in the whole wide world.

I would have to say that my experience at Edwards was the coolest thing...EVER. Christan is the man and the room is awesome, and we got free posters and hats, and I got to sign my name underneath Mark Fisher's! (Lyric Fricking Opera of Fricking Chicago) Damn. I'm still hyping on how cool that is...I want to work there, man, I want to put things together like that and meet Joe Alessi and Blair Bollinger....argh. Ah geez.

So...that's the big excitement! The other big excitement is that I'm getting my tenor slide fixed tomorrow, and it's donut-day. Mm...

yes it is worth it, but only if i am not shy about it. boo-ya.

is it worth it?

haha! i'm writing from the "communication kiosk" in the lounge. hehe. i just went to breakfast with my dad. hopefully he'll be able to come back on tuesday to take me to elkhorn to assemble a bass trombone. we'll see. it depends if christian is available and if i can switch my lesson to a different day. hopefully chris and mike aren't too busy and can come too. we'll see.

i laughed so hard last night i almost peed my pants on numerous occasions. chris stopped by and then we went over to griffin's where some phi mu alpha guys were hanging and watching Orgazmo. (hmm...interesting) after the movie we played this horribly violent video game (i can't remember what it was called but it's mortal kombat style, kick-the-crap-out-of-your-opponent), but it was so funny....so funny. one of the characters (Yoshumitsu!) could pogo stick on his sword, and this other dude (Voldo) who reminded me uncannily of the gimp from pulp fiction in a harlequin suit could walk around on his knees. it was so fricking funny. most of the time i couldn't play effectively because i was laughing so hard. ah geez. i laugh just thinking about it. hehehe.

ah well, all this kiosking has delayed me from practicing yet again. must go , must regain sense of motivation and desire to become a good musician. sigh.

mikey, you're the greatest. i love you bunches. :)

very very very bad football game today. I'm sure if Babar is reading this, she's extremely happy that our cocky football team got ass-whooped by indiana...haha. it's sort of ironic. anyway, the football game sucked, but heidi, her friend megan and i stayed for the fifth quarter and then we followed the band back, skipping and dancing the whole way. it was fun. my dad is in town...we went to dinner with his friend dean, and it was interesting...well, he's my dad, what can i say. we've never exactly gotten along the greatest...yeah, either we're too alike or too different, whatever it is, we're never on the same page and we end up irritating the crap out of each other. I wish my family was closer together. A lot of people ask me how I can come so far away for school...don't I miss my family? well...i do. but it's weird. it's more like being disconnected. but it's just the three of us and my dad and i always fight, my mom and i try our best not to let that get in the way...i'm not sure how they are together. it seems like they irritate each other a lot, as well. my dad doesn't really take me seriously...which is quite frustrating when you're trying to develop some sort of greater relationship with him and all he does is shoot you down. i wish i had siblings. i wish my extended family were bigger and closer, too...i rely on my friends so much for these reasons, and sometimes i think that's why things get so easily strained...it also makes the loneliness that much more acute. please don't worry about me though. i've learned how to handle it. :)

happy ending note: F. I think F is a happy note. I like F. Here's to F!!!

hurray! tonight was waterpolo night at the nat. a big mutual crap-kicking contest! waterpolo rocks, it's so vicious. there's no fouling, and if you want someone to drop the ball, you just hold them underwater til they give in. it rocks. my shoulder is acting up though, which is bad. it sucks---i never had swimmer's shoulder when i actually considered myself a swimmer and swam on average 8 times a week, but now that i go like once a week it flares up. grrr. ah old age. at any rate, i'm tired out in that good aerobic sort of way, and ready to go to bed for it's only seven and a half more hours til it's back to the nat! hurray, hurrah! hehe...yeah, i really don't want to get up at 6 tomorrow, but i chose it, i must live with it.
g'night folks.

the problem with relationships is that, at their core, they are based on physical attractiveness. you can be with someone all the time, but it's not a "relationship" until you realize you want to sleep with them too. you can start out liking someone for being clever or witty, and these qualities will lead more and more to you finding something in their physical appearance that makes them attractive to you. of course, you can always start out by thinking that someone's a damn fine piece of ass, too, and then come to appreciate their more delicate qualities.

so! conversation with collin today, he intends on asking a cheerleader out on a date this weekend. "not because she's a cheerleader, because also, she's cute! and nice." cute...what a high standard to have to live up to. (by the way, mild disappointment from me but it's not like i ever expect anything from anyone anymore) i mean...on top of being witty and charming and nice i've got to be cute, too? oh dear. cute was an oversight in my genetic code. cute didn't get figured into the double helix and therefore has missed its mark completely. cute. bah! who needs it.

i would like to point out, so that i'm not a hypocrite, that yes, i do have expectations for cuteness in the opposite sex as well. sort of a double-edged sword. kind of painful to hold on to if you grab it in the wrong place.