i wonder when collin is getting back into town...

anyway, i am very tired but the good news is that today was my last day of riding my bike around lake monona. i can now relax and go to reasonably close places, like bernie's and bb and vilas. ott rehearsal again tonight...just waiting for justing to pick us up...maybe i should warm up a little too..hmm...well, maybe not. i just burned my tongue on dinner and it needs time to recover. just so.

blogger is being defective, and i don't even know if this post is going to show up. ah well, off to work for me.

riiiight. my lack of posts might tell you that nothing interesting is happening...and you'd be pretty damn close to the truth. On the Town has started, and so far it's been a fun time. the music is pretty fun to play. the singing is okay..the leads are pretty good, but they can never live up to the leads i have in my head (frank!) so that's a little disappointing but ah well, that's the way life goes.

other than all this musical stuff i have nothing to talk about. i'm sick of analyzing ryan, i'm sick of telling stupid stories about what happened at work, i'm sick of riding my bike and being in a swim suit twentyfourseven (ironic i should say that as i am considering going swimming right now). In other words I've reached that point in the summer where if school started in two weeks I wouldn't be upset about it. I'd secretly be excited while on the outside dutifully pursuing an attitude of annoyance.

Somewhere in the time I have left of summer, however, I'm going home, which will maybe spice things up for a little while. It's due...I miss San Diego and friends there. I should be home for Natalie's birthday...so maybe something exciting will happen around that. Surely she'll have a celebration of some sort! Also Marisa will be home, and I haven't seen her for at least a year! Maybe Megan too will magically appear and we can all go to the HCW pool and sit in the spa and recount all our college adventures (of which I have very few to offer that would translate well outside of present experience). If not, sigh. I will come back and practice like mad, have my audition, and start school again. welcome, i say.

I know my last blog says life is wonderful, but right now, life is terrible. I just want to yell at someone. Inanimate objects (at which I have been yelling at already) just aren't doing it. I really want to yell at Ryan. But anyone will do. It's nothing personal. I know, I'm trying to NOT be angry because I hate it when other people lose their tempers but this whole week has just been miserable and I'm fed up. I've fallen off my fucking bike twice already, skinned both knees, the chain slipped both times...i feel like a complete numbskull at work...i'm a romantic pariah....dammit...this isn't how you're supposed to spend the first week of your twenties. dammit.

alllllright. life is wonderful, for i now possess all four CAKE cds. and the new one, so far (8 songs in) is maaaaarrvelous! hurray for CAKE. they are on the late late show tonight but beatriz is asleep on the couch. :(

i worked a long and hectic day today, and i am surprisingly not more tired! actually i have a lot of energy, which is weird for a tuesday night...ah, maybe not so weird. oh well. still, i should get a reasonable amount of sleep as tomorrow is *zzzzzz* my SERF day. argh. oh well. jason is having another party but i don't have quite enough energy to work my way over there. sigh! bedtime.

ok. i still don't think i feel like writing much. but, needless to say, I had a good party. the day after was a little shaky, but saturday was a good day. yah. well, you'll get more later. or you can go to davis' page (see links on left) and get a different perspective on the day. i have a lot regarding ryan on my mind...bad. but i shall explain it someday soon, when hopefully i'm not grumpy and don't have a headache. yah...just so.

yars

my blogs feel very uninspired. would y'all be offended if i took the weekend off? i promise a full and play-by-play update on all birthday happenings, but otherwise i've run out of stuff to complain/gush/sob about. ok...i shall do so. i will return, monday, full of happy birthday stories and funniness. mwah.

Yeah, I've been sort of pitiful about posting for the past two days. I'm gearing up for the big day--but at the same time I feel a little foolish. I always get this way. I give myself so many conflicting streams of thought that I end up just feeling lost in my own head. I love my birthday, and I feel that birthdays should always be celebrated with parties and happiness, but at the same time I wonder that I'm not really annoying some people by going on and on about it, and then I get into that section of feelings dedicated to blueness and semi-unhappiness. Hmm...Ah well. It's my one day of the year. Might as well use it.

It's very hot and ucky. I need to go out and put up posters for the Russian Folk Orchestra thing, but I'm a little T.O.ed at Victor for thinking this all needs to be done three weeks in advance. Everytime I see him it's "Well, Lllorn (victor does this cool L rolling thing), I am getting little nervous for the concert, you see, we onllly have thrree weeks. and people want to know in advance, so if you could just do this..." (not at all representative of russian accent, but in my head it works). And it's annoying because 1) I have to work when the stores are open 2) It's always hot 3) I'm tired 4) I want to take a nap. hehehe....the last three are my lame excuses and the first one isn't even true because I have that whole window of time between 1 and 4 to go out and be productive. Ah well, Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to sleep until 3, and then go do posters, and then go to work. sounds good, eh? oh yeah..somewhere in there I will make a walgreen's/cat's meow stop, to purchase some fun for tomorrow night....heheheh

argh! my archives have, once again, disappeared. I mean, beyond even reposting, they are just gone! arrrrrrrrghahghaghahga!
today is, already, becoming one of those days where i can't handle anything. Even walking is kind of annoying. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my throat is full of crap and the rest of my body isn't quite in top form either. It's pissing me off. I couldn't practice for more than twenty minutes because i could get a deep enough breath to even finish warming up. I thought today was going to be cool because I woke up to thunderstorms...and that means no work! but the storms have stopped and now it is sunny and humid. fuckers. i need a nap.

Well, today I have proceeded to prove, once again, that I am a complete incompetent failure at dealing with unfamiliar social situations. (so incompetent that i even managed to spell "incompetent" wrong the first time I typed it) Here I was going to put a rant about my SERF incident, but before I could write anything I dropped a bunch of cheesy noodles on my keyboard, proving that I am not only incompetent, but a dork and a klutz as well. Anyway, I had a lot more speculations to put here...about why I feel like a dumbass...perhaps delve into the reasons behind it, but all my good and reasonable thoughts have been lost on the bike ride from the SERF to here, at my computer desk. I am wondering when I will learn, 4 days from being 20, how to deal with myself and others effectively. I think it is incredibly ironic (but perhaps not too much so) that my desire to communicate and be liked by most people is shot to shit by my obvious inability to even have words come out of my mouth in a clear and concise fashion.

At any rate, a good deal of my antics today may have been the fault of being a tad hungover, as hanging out at Jason's last night was a little too much fun. But fun nevertheless, and part of my self-awareness realization for today is that although I'd like to know and be friendly with most everyone, there are certain people that are perfect for me, because they make me happy and I don't have to stress out when talking to them. So I must let go of my desire to be 'everything to everyone' and be content with being myself to my friends. :)

Hurray! I had a good time last night. Brandon, as always, was in top form (slightly tipsy and very amusing) and said he'd try to make it to the Wes and Lorn Bday Extravaganza. He's become a vegetarian until August on a bet from one of his friends, so he made veggie shishkabobs for him and Davis that turned out sort of interesting, I guess. ("I've had too many...vegetables!") The brats (cooked in the dark) were also interesting. Very crispy on one side, near to uncooked on the other. And kind of spicy, as I suspect they were actually Italian sausages and not bratwurst. I learned the fingerings (well, a good majority of) for euphonium and it was fun! I should play it more often.

Well, speaking of which I thought it might be nice to get up and practice before work (12:15) today, but I'm too lazy! I'd rather sit around in my pjs. And that means I probably won't practice at all today (get off work at 8), so, bad Lauren. Ah well. That's what sucks about rotating work schedules...I don't have time to get into a groove. I had a little groove going for a while, but then the Nat closed (alas!) so it's all off again. Argh. well, best go get ready for...something...uh, yeah.

Well, this is shaping up to be a good weekend!!! Last night's show was awesome...with the exception of our answering machine freaking out which resulted in B and I not getting in touch with Davis. We did try, hon!!! But it was awesome to see the boys...Mike's solo sounded great (sufficient mojo), Chris is way skinnier (not so hot as he was sick last week), but good. They both promised to call me on my bday *hurray* and so I'm looking forward to that.

Tonight!! Tonight Grant is driving us to Oconomowoc (say that three times fast, Jon!) to see Brandon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! He is having a party at his "incredifuckingly" nice house. Brandon! yay! Brandon is one of those people that makes me happy just because he's part of the world, and more importantly, my world. So needless to say, I'm excited to go. Tomorrow I work all day! At BB Clarke, and Ryan said he would come visit. I get to work with Mark, too, from the Nat, and prove to him that I am not "quiet and innocent" as he seems to believe. Speaking of which, the Nat is now closed! *sob!* Ah well...this coming Tuesday night is actually supposed to work out for Pat McCurdy, so *fingers crossed* hopefully I will get to go out with the other guards.

Well, I think I am using far too many !!!s today so i shall go take my exuberance out into the world and share.

*yawn* laundry day.

MADISON SCOUTS TONIGHT! hurray! Chris, Mikey! Hurray! excited? you bet. hurray!

ah davis..there is so much sadness in the world, and we all own our fair chunk of it. sometimes if you want someone to listen you have to ask them to. (i think you told me that) i think everyone is a little down right now..midsummer blues or something. i got a birthday package from my mummy today, and it made me cry for lots of reasons. Most of all because I miss my parents sometimes more than I care to admit, and also because it's my birthday soon. I love birthdays, and especially my own. It's the luckiest birthday of the year!! (7/21) and it mathemathically works into itself: 7x3 ((2+1)) =21. I think I lead a bit of a charmed existence...so whenever I feel down I look at what makes me happy (my bday) and say, things will always get better. The other thing about my birthday: it's the one day of the year that's reserved entirely for myself. As a recovering shy person I think I still have issues (both timid-related and for unselfish reasons) being the center of attention. But on July 21st people are supposed to pay attention to me! it's the law. It's wonderful. Birthdays are awesome. I wish I could spend it with everyone: family, friends from home, college friends....but nevertheless it'll be fun. Only 10 more days! I go crazy about birthdays...but I definitely think it's worth it. :)

well, i've reached one of those stages you hit (or maybe just me) every once in a while where everything just seems a little silly and petty. and you want out. so you drive everyone else around you insane by being crabby and unhappy and pretty soon you get left alone to be eaten alive by naked mole rats. I'm having a little difficultly dealing with Cara being here...she just does and says such ridiculous things I can only be civil. Whatever friendship we had has passed...I'd like to think I learned a lesson or two out of it, but if she has she's keeping it secret because she still has all the same old annoyances. I like to come home and be relaxed..but I always feel tense and on edge when she's here. The very air tightens up. I realize perhaps from another point of view this may all seem very petty on my part. I really can't defend myself in that case, I'm sure that a lot of things I do are also ridiculous and incoherent to other people. But at least I try to practice what I preach, so to speak. I shall be civil to her because she is our guest (and she still pays some rent), but I can't do anymore. I'd feel like I was cheating myself, pretending to display emotions that I do not feel.

At any rate, the lifeguard thing never went through, Rachael had to study, and Ryan wasn't home. So I watched Mallrats with B and then Alex came over and we rented The Princess Bride and watched that. It was a good evening, anyway, but disappointing as I did not get out of the house and associate with the rest of the world. I had an interesting dream about Ryan...well, he wasn't the main character but always in my peripheral vision. Kind of haunting..I can't explain. Ah well, "I can't explain" comes in handy for a lot of what goes on in my head, not just dreams. sigh.

options for the evening:

waiting for the other guards to call and tell me if there is still Pat McCurdy action tonight at the Annex. If I don't get a call by 7:45, I think I shall call Rachael and see if she wants to go, in which case we might end up running into work buddies anyhow. If she doesn't want to go, then I am going to call Ryan, because he mentioned that he was interested. If Ryan can't go, then I guess my roomates will have to entertain me. Heheh. Wes is supposed to call, I guess, but then he was supposed to call about a movie last night so we'll see. I should have gone and practiced, instead of sitting around here reading Mademoiselle. Arrgh. OH well, baby steps getting back into shape, I suppose. At any rate, going out tonight is a HUGE priority for me, especially with the other lifeguards, as I would like the opportunity to get to know them better (and, ultimately, have friends outside of the music school) and hang out with them. So, just as well better free up the phone line (although now we have nifty Callwave which takes messages for you) and get started on the evening!

"too darn hot!" to quote cole porter. bleh. bleh bleh bleh.

but, still happy, all's well. blah. blah blah blah.

bedtime.

I think I need to clarify last night. It was nice to hang out with Ryan...because I wasn't expecting anything from him. I realized that if I go around thinking that everything I say and do has to correspond with some level of emotional commitment, I'm just going to be nervous and act like a fool. So I went out and was myself....which is something that's easy to do around him anyway. It's easier to act like he's oblivious to everything and just be friends rather than to assume that everything I do has to be an act in order to keep his friendship and not alienate him. Things are only awkward if you make it so in your head. So it was a good time because it was like hanging out with an old bud....nevermind that for a while I was tragically in love with him. :) I'm not going to analyze any of it...nothing of what he said, nothing about the hello and goodbye hugs, nothing! (ha!) I'll just go crazy again. I got what I wanted, anyway...which was to just be able to hang out with him again. I'm still a little miffed (and he knows it, too, he said as we parted ways, "ha, well, I'll see you in October, then!" so i punched him in the arm. :) but I'm not just going to bring it up because I don't feel like the playing field is quite level yet. Updates to follow. Nice to not have to be pissed off, anyway. OH yeah...this summer he's been in S. Carolina. So I guess the little part of me that said, "he's out of town," triumphs after all. Ah, ye of little faith.

so sad!! i have just returned from seeing Artificial Intelligence. I cried for the last half hour!!!!!!!! I'm still sniffly. (lorn then prompts her audience "but, who did you see it with?") Audience: "but, Lorn, who did you see it with?" L: "ah, well, he's an old bud of mine, you know." A: "don't beat around the bush!" L: "ah, you know, ahem, Ryan." A: "Ryan?!?" L: "yes, Ryan."

and how was it, you then ask? (davis did) Well, here's the deal: he called yesterday and left a message, and I was going to be testy and wait a few days, but then he called again today. And we caught up a bit on the phone, and I felt like I didn't have to pretend, and a few months (but only a few) of resentment melted away. So we went out and sat on the terrace for a little while and talked about music and dogs and everything else. And then went and saw said movie. So I was trying to measure my reaction, but the funny thing was, I don't think I had one other than, "I'm glad to be with my friend again." friend, hmm, key word or not? as of yet I cannot tell where I stand emotionally (as movie has drained me of emotion), and shall have to see...mostly I'm just happy that we're in touch and that he considers me "his only friend in madison this summer." so it's all good. i'll keep you posted. and i shall have happy dreams. :)

here's the big scoop on the last four craaazy days!

thursday, jon was here when i got back from work! so we (b and i) took him on a tour of the campus and learned about carillion bells, and watched traffic (good movie, set in san diego!). didn't really get enough sleep (5hrs) as had to get up for work at six...but it was okay. Jon and I attempted to purchase alcohol using his fake (his brother's) but apparently madison is a tougher place to be underage than even california (he says, since he's had no problem with it there). anyway, Ben got us some, which proves that the youth of today cannot be deterred by silly restrictions. So we had a party! A random, but very enjoyable, group of people came. Wes, Darren, Sean and his gf Kristen, Collin (!), Rachael from work, her friend Jason (who was very very cool), Alex, Ben, Jon, Davis, B, me, all told. Not a big party but we had fun! Despite not everyone being acquainted it went over very well. A minor incident occurred: Davis disappeared and we worried about her, but she made it back okay. She says she went for a walk. :) But she doesn't know where. hehe! Saturday arrives, and we go to Chicago! Alex had a little car trouble but we got off okay, around four, and made it to Ravinia at 6:30. Ran into Miah and Sarah! It was awesome. Caught up with both of them, and enjoyed Shostakovich immensely. They played the end of the fourth half tempo and everything. The low brass was all ringers...but they still played amazingly. Man!! Someday.....
Today we woke up and made blueberry pancakes...which were a disaster cooking but ended up being yummy anyway. Sent Jon off at 11:30 and went to work, 1-4. And that is everything updated! A good time. I hope Jon had fun and gets home safe! :) Now, it's time to recover some sleep. pfft!

fun night last night. more to follow after miraculous chicago symphony experience! (hoping it won't rain)

tomorrow (or today, later morning) is a new day! jon is coming, and i get to work a beach all by myself, and friday night is party. so no more of this loneliness bullshit! it shall be a happy happy weekend. schmu!

happy fourth!

i think i've figured something out. one of the reasons i miss ryan so much is that when we hang out, i feel like i have someone direct the majority of their attention on me. i mean, in an overall context. uncomfortable as i am being the center of attention, i think one of the things that made me like him so much was that he always seemed interested in me all the time...which is a complete shocker in my little self-contained bubble. sigh. i'm going to call him twice more...once tomorrow, to see if he wants to party with us friday, and once before the Wes and Lorn Birthday Extravaganza. And that's it, if he fails to get in touch with me either of those times, I can't do any more or it'll just tear me apart. I've gotta let it go sometime...there's no better time than summertime to be free....

reason: work.

explanation: biked lake monona

tiiiiiiired!

oh, by the way...i saw nate today at work and i could only laugh at him. he said "are you going to smirk at me all day or do i have to beg for you to stop?" heheh...he owes me big time. poor little cripple...mwahahah!

the best way to combat sadness is to make yourself busy! I have been ACCOMPLISHING GREAT THINGS today and it is a good feeling. Perhaps they are not all great things to everyone else, but they are working out for me. :) 1) I finally called a beach supervisor to ask them if i could get my uniform 2) Called Alex to see if he can drive on Sat (he can!) 3) Ordered four marvelous CSO/Ravinia tickets
so, hurray! can't wait for the weekend and jonny and shostakovich 5 (which i am now going to go listen to)....perhaps we'll have a little party on friday night. ;)

phone number has been taken off internet, moment of loneliness has passed and therefore no internet weirdos shall be haunting me with phone calls. phew.

yes, i feel better. sort of. davis and i talked. bethany and i didn't, which is what stresses the "sort of" okayness mood. we got our wires crossed yesterday and i had left to go to the gritty to see collin before she got home from a day with her mom, and she was upset because we had planned to go see fireworks together, a fact that i completely forgot in my rush to go see a boy of all silly things, and i felt/feel incredibly guilty and not at all equipped to deal with the situation. Ben told me that I did what I could, and he thought that Bethany had accepted my apology, but if I know B correctly her body language was all wrong and she was still upset with me last night. After Qdoba I went home alone...and hence the height of my self-tragedy. Ah me, what a little melodramatic fool I am. Mostly I was mad at myself for being impatient (of course i shouldn't expect a newly turned 21 year old to give up his night at the bars for a foolish underager who thinks she maybe likes him or something), and unhappy about being alone, and sad about my failure to be a good friend, and lots of other things all stemming from deep-seated self-confidence and awareness issues. Sigh. It's not as if the whole Collin thing didn't end on a hopeful note. It did, rather. ("Hey, wait, when will I see you next?" "well, i'm always at humanities, or give me a call! i'm usually around""okay, that's right, i have your phone number now!""alright, well, don't get into trouble hon, and have fun!") Little seeds of self-doubt always creep in, however, so most of happiness is therefore smashed before i have time to get into too much trouble. Bleh. I wish boys would like me more, my romance skills are rusty (almost corroded) and most of the time I haven't got a clue what's going on. ARGH. ok, i suppose the best thing to do would be to get on with the day and start fresh.